Do mothers judge other mothers if they have different parenting styles?

Jamie - posted on 01/15/2012 ( 132 moms have responded )

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During another debate on here I received this response:

"YOU chose to [fill in blank with parenting style] because you feel it is a better choice. you are automatically judging anything else with that choice."



Unfortunately, the poster was making false assumptions about me for that particular topic. I choose what I believe is best for MY CHILDREN. I do not believe that parenting is "one size fits all." Even in my own house I will change my parenting style to what I believe is best for that particular child.



With that being said, I would never judge another mother for choosing a different way to parent HER CHILD. To me, that seems ridiculous. I do not know the family or the child's innermost workings. The mother does, and can assess what is right for the family. And that is what confuses me. Why would I judge someone for doing what is best for their family because it isn't the same as what I know is best for mine?



But then it got me thinking. I've felt judged so many times in my life for the choices I've made parenting my own children. Could I be in the minority in my beliefs?



With all that being said, I want to hear from you! Do you judge mothers that have different parenting styles than you?



Be nice, and be honest. I think this is an important topic.

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Ez - posted on 01/16/2012

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I think it's naive to think we don't judge. We all judge everyone, all the time. It's how we form our opinion. I'm not sure when making a judgement of someone or something became this taboo thing with everyone screaming 'NO! I don't judge!'. Because we all do it.



Now I guess the issue becomes what we do with that judgement or opinion. Do we quietly think to ourselves 'wow, I can't see myself doing that for my child'? Or do we yell to everyone who listens 'anyone who does X is a hopeless mother who doesn't deserve her children'? The first is perfectly reasonable. The second is obnoxious.



There are also those judgements that DO require us to do or say something, as they allow us, as a society, to protect children from all sorts of harm.



And then there are the situations that are so outrageous and stupid that I would call you (general you) a liar if you claim to 'not judge'. The woman giving her 8 month old Coke in a bottle? Yeah I will judge her as being ignorant. The family dosing their kids up on Benadryl or Phenergan every night so they sleep? Yep I will label them lazy and reckless. I make no apologies for forming a negative opinion of someone based on something so extreme.

Elfrieda - posted on 01/18/2012

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Okay, I'm going to wade in with my teacher pants on! What I'm seeing here is misunderstanding what "judging" means.



As far as I understand it, "judging" has two meanings. Sloppy, but that's English for you. :P



Judging #1: I look at what other people do, I read parenting books, I think back on what my parents did. As I do that, I decide, or *judge*, which I will use and which I will not.



Yes, some people will be offended by that especially if the difference is obvious (like homeschooling vs public vs private), but usually that is because they do not feel secure about their own choices. The only way you can avoid offending people in this way is to have everybody do everything the same way. This is only possible in

a) a very small homogenous population

b) a cult or really controlling religion.

So, basically impossible, and not really something to hope for.



Judging #2 - taking definition 1 and deciding how much other people are worth based on whether they make the same judgements as you.



examples: "She spanks, she is a terrible mother and her kids will be maladjusted.", "She breastfeeds her two-year-old, she is a terrible mother and her kids will be maladjusted.", "She yells at her kids, she is a terrible mother and her kids will be maladjusted."



There's no need to do this, unless she actually IS a terrible mother. (probably none of the above is a good guideline for deciding - I always think, "Would the kids be better off in foster care than with their own parents?" and the answer is almost always no. (sometimes yes, but usually no.))



Anyway, I think Judging#1 is very good and healthy, and Judging#2 is unproductive and mean. And giving advice can come from either definition, either saying why you chose what you did (Judging #1) or saying "if you don't do it my way you're a bad mother" (judging#2)



Does that sound right to you?

[deleted account]

Well, except that I have subsequently told my dumb ass friend who is withholding food from her 2 YO that she is being a dumb ass. Because she is and because that's what friends do - they are honest with each other. So I guess that's not really a great example for you, Kel.

Krista - posted on 01/16/2012

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And yeah, like Erin said, there is some parenting out there, that richly deserves judging.



Let's say you were at a park. And you saw a kid pushing over other kids, and just being a real menace. And over to the side, on the park bench, is a mother. She periodically screams at the kid to "stop doing that, you little shit!", but doesn't actually get up from the bench. She's got a baby in a stroller next to her, and the baby is sucking back a bottle full of Pepsi. The mother is chain-smoking, and talking on her cell phone the whole time, completely ignoring the baby.



You tell me you wouldn't judge that? You honestly think that she's just doing what is right for her family?

Krista - posted on 01/16/2012

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I judge...depending on the situation.



If someone's parenting choices are different from mine, but they make SENSE, then no, I won't judge them.



If someone's parenting choices are different from mine, don't really make sense, but aren't really hurting the child or other children, (like when I see babies with their ears pierced) then I might look askance at them, but that's as far as it goes.



But, if someone's parenting choices are hurting their child, or hurting other peoples' children, then I will absolutely become Judgy McJudgersons. So if I see people smoking around a baby, or being verbally abusive to their children, or letting their kids hurt other kids, then I will absolutely disapprove and my face will usually register my disapproval quite clearly.

132 Comments

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Mother - posted on 02/26/2012

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I don't think doing something differently is judging. Like Kelly said....it just might not work for the other family because of time constraints, schedule, possibly even knowledge.



I think the judging comes in when people take on the O Holier then Thou attitude. People who claim what the parent is doing is wrong. Possibly even belittle and name call because they think their way is the superior way or only way. That's judging.

[deleted account]

I think I may have interpreted the OP differently than most.



Yes, people judge each other--all people, not just moms.

That said, I do not think that having a different parenting style/technique than another mom is, in and of itself, a judgment about the other mom.



Take one of my very good friends and I. She eats only organic, non-processed food. I do when I can, but we eat a lot of store bought stuff because I just don't have the time to shop, tend garden, and prepare like she does. She doesn't think any less of me for eating Campbell's soup, and I don't think any less of her for refusing anything non-organic.



There ARE areas we judge each other in, but the act of doing something differently is not judging the other person.

**Jackie** - posted on 02/25/2012

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I think it would be very hard for a mother not to judge. I'm ALMOST inclined to say that a mother has judged another mother at least once in her life. Whether it be a pregnant girl smoking, a loud mouthed child in a store, or even a trouble-making child in school.



I really try not to judge but I have to admit that I do. It's sad but I can't help it.



I can't tell you how many times I've seen really young children by themselves in the bad side of town and I've said "WHERE is their mother?!"



That's judging. At least I think it is.

Julie - posted on 02/18/2012

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When I was a young mother I used to see families, usually my relatives, with older children who got into trouble and found myself judging their parenting as being too lenient in a lot of areas and that's why their children were getting into so much trouble. Now that I'm older and I've raised 2 teenagers to adulthood and am working on the 3rd, I've realized it's not as cut and dry as I once thought. Some children are just more difficult than others and really struggle such as my 3rd. When I see others around me who have teenage daughters who are having premarital sex and getting pregnant, I do judge what the parents did wrong that could have led to that, but not in the way you think. I'm not judging them saying they are bad parents and that's why their child got into trouble. I'm looking to see where they went wrong so that I can avoid the same pitfalls with my 6 daughters. My mother-in-law had 4 of her 5 daughters get pregnant out of wedlock, 3 of them as teens. I'm terrified with having 6 the odds are stacked against me that it could happen to at least 1 so I'm always trying to figure out by looking at other's "mistakes" so I can avoid them and keep my girls safe and happy. For instance I've noticed that with all the girls that I've known that engaged in premarital sex they dressed immodestly or usually didn't have a set curfew or were allowed to date before the age of 16 or were allowed to be at a home alone with a boy or all of the above. So when I see these things I use it as a learning tool for me with my daughters to not do those things and so far so good. Only 1 is married so far though so I have a long way to go. Sometimes mothers have told me something they do or don't do that I'm not doing or doing and I can choose to feel judged, but I think about it and realize they're doing it a better way and that would be helpful for my family to do it that way. Sometimes I think they're just know-it-alls and how they do it is fine for them, but not for my family. The older I get though the less I judge people whose children wind up in trouble because sometimes in spite of our best efforts as parents our children will make bad choices. We can only control so much and the older our children get the more freedom they have and they are free to choose for themselves and all we can do is try the best we can to raise them with a knowledge of right and wrong and hope they make good choices. I can look at another mother and judge that her child is a certain way because of something that mother did or didn't do, but in all reality even if she had done it different her child could still wind up the same way because children will choose what they want, parents aren't perfect and teenagers frontal lobes aren't fully developed so they can't always control their impulsiveness. Whenever someone I know has had a child who is struggling I always try to show compassion, and never tell someone it's their fault even if there are things had they done them differently they could have avoided the situation. If it doesn't change anything, there's no point in bringing it up and making a parent feel worse than they already do. We all do the best we can in any given moment and hopefully learn from our own mistakes for the future. Sometimes we share that knowledge with others to help others avoid the mistakes and suffering we've gone through and hopefully it comes across that way and not that we're judging someone in a similar situation. Well I don't think it matters if you're in the minority in your beliefs or parenting style. The majority aren't always right, especially if they're o.k. with things like underage drinking and smoking and immorality. If you feel that what you're doing is the best for your family and your children are healthy and happy then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. There will always be those who will feel the need to put in their 2 cents about how others are doing things and rarely are those people perfect or have the perfect family. So I guess judging actions to determine what is right for yourself is righteous judgement, but judging people to put yourself above them as being a better person than them is wrong and only we as individuals can take a hard look at ourselves and see which kind we're doing and make a change if we're doing the latter.

Katie - posted on 02/13/2012

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Of course we all judge. I try really hard to admire other mom's for there strong points, and get advice in departments were I can use it. Whether you are the majority, or minority in your parenting you need to take a stand for what you believe is right, because you know what is best for your child. There are times where I think am i being to easy? Or am I expecting more out of my child then they are capable of giving being tired/hungry/bored? Am i being to strict? Of course I question myself its so I can grow as a parent.



We all judge the extreme.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/09/2012

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Boy and I should say I can be damn well long winded! Judge as you may... ;)

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 02/09/2012

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I definitely can be judgemental. I like to believe though that I keep it to myself unless it is something that is directly/indirectly hurting my child and sometime other children.



In the case of bad food choices, yeah that bugs the hell out of me but who am I to say anything, I do judge though. I definitely look at my husband or daughter and make a remark in how terrible that is. I mean, come on, giving you LO pop or fast food (especially when they are already fat), not good!



In the case of a spoiled brat freaking out in the middle of the stores aisle, well if the kid is in my way I will ask for him/her to take their tantrum to the sidelines so that I can get by. If they are not in my way, I may or may not (depending on my mood) make a gesture that says WTF mother/father DO SOMETHING!



In the case a parent is - I can't recall who gave this point - at a park and their child is hitting/biting/bullying other children while they sit on the sideline smoking up a storm, yelling every so often for the misbehaving kid to stop. Well, that is either directly or indirectly affecting my kid, either way my kids is being affected. Be warned I WILL freak! That parent would be crapping cigarettes for a long time after, if they don't either get the hell out of there or get their child under control..



In the case of a parent yelling and swearing at their kid in public, absolutely I will yell and swear back at them. That is directly affecting that innocent child and I will stand up for them. CAT FIGHT! hahaaha



In the case of parents that spank or use aggressive methods of "discipline" (I don't consider them discipline but whatever), I do judge and hard!



In the case of whether a parent breastfeeds or formula feeds, never, I do not judge on that. Whether a parent uses CIO or No Cry Method, never, I do not judge on that. Whether a parent makes their kid do chores or not, never, I do not judge on that. Whether a parent co-sleeps or not, never, I do not judge on that. However, all these things I have tried, I have experience and understand reasons for each of them. These are a parents choice. They will learn for themselves what is best for them, I know I have.



As for any of the other stuff I listed and said I do judge for, I judge damn hard for those just differ in what way I express my judgement. However, I do have an opinion on many things but these are things that I have formed an opinion from research or by listening to others or just from who I am and how I think but am open to learning about others opinion. I am willing to see another perspective and at times my opinion can be swayed or evolved but this is only possible when the other opinionator has good points that are rational and easy to get my stubborn head around. ;)

Barb - posted on 02/09/2012

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All mom's judge parenting skills and moms are extremly judgy here I have notice. If you don't want to hear something about a certain sitution don't both asking cause you have more then one person judging you over everything and anything. I try to be very open with all question don't agree with everything, but not going to look down my nose at other moms because of their parenting choices or questions.

Kerrie - posted on 01/31/2012

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Yes of course i judge other parents sometimes. I don't judge a parent on things like whether or not they breast fed, or co-slept. But here are certain things that I do. For example. I know one couple in the town where I live who I have chosen not to be friends with because they smoke pot in the house with their child right beside them. Or in the car with her in there. That I pass judgement on. I know another couple who smokes pot in their basement with their child upstairs and there is a vent that goes straight up to the living room from the room they smoke in. You can see the living room through the vent but they justify it by having an air purifier in the room.



Parents have their own ways of disciplining their children but when i am told by a parent that she repeatedly smacked her sons but for half an hour because he wouldn't react to it, I pass judgement on that. When i see a child who is 3 years old and swears like a trucker and tells his mother " your a f*ing b*tch". Its hard not to be judgmental about the father. Its obvious words like that are being heard from daddy.



But when it comes to regular things like glass bottles over plastic, time outs vs other forms of discipline, toy guns or no toy guns. those things I do not judge so much. I have my own opinion as to whether or not i agree or disagree but those things to do not make me form a distinct opinion about a persons parenting.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/30/2012

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Yes and it's also lucky for me I live across the ocean from you. I'm starting to have the sneaking suspicion that the reason you don't have a picture in your avatar is so one of your real life friends never finds out how you really feel about them and leaves a pile of smoking dog crap on your porch.



Let's get one thing straight though and I will type slowly so maybe you'll comprehend what I'm about to put up here. Just because most of us are polite with each other doesn't mean that we're all out to make friends with one another. It just means that we've learnt compassion and understanding. Something you would do well to learn about yourself. We're also not secretly judging other moms (although for you some of us might make an exception) by some statements simply because we don't belittle and degrade another mom's choices on how she raises, feeds or works the way you do



Finally you obviously do care what the 'not real' people think and say about you. If you didn't you wouldn't keep replying to everything.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/30/2012

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LOL True Jodi.



She didn't exactly win friends on the Working moms community, that's for sure. To say nothing of non breastfeeding moms, moms who like civil debates and moms who have a solid grasp on reality.

Jodi - posted on 01/30/2012

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Megan, I don't think it is humanly possible to disagree about Kel.....I suspect it is the one commonality every person on CoM has. I could start a poll on it, but that would violate No THUMPS.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/30/2012

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Exactly Jodi! That's why I suggested it. After that maybe some fruit flavoured juice or Kool Aid. BTW, are you worried about the sky crashing since we're agreeing on something again?



Kel, the only one I've seen on here with a complete disreguard for the English language has been you with your excessive punctuation marks. And my mom may have fed me formula, but she also taught me manners. Something you're sorely lacking in.

Maree - posted on 01/30/2012

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Is that your favourite line...or your only line ???

Good to know i am amusing !!!

Jodi - posted on 01/30/2012

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No Kel, actually, people are laughing at you and find you amusing. But please, by all means, carry on.

Maree - posted on 01/30/2012

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Maybe that's why very few people on here can spell or use punctuation....might be the formula !!!...or maybe it's because they are so desperate to reply to my posts that they had no interest in reading.

Jodi - posted on 01/30/2012

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Nooooooo....not formula!!! That shit will poison your kid!!!! How very lazy and selfish!

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/30/2012

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Oh I know that (except maybe some formula) But they are fun to have around.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/30/2012

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Aww Jodi I think she's kinda fun. I love seeing what convoluted piece of 'information' she'll come up with. Working moms are bad moms because they'll turn into alcoholics and cause their babies to have stress and maybe cancer. FF moms just don't try hard enough and are lazy and will cause their children to be obese. People who say that what they do works for them are being judgemental. Truely I believe she should stay on here just for her twisted take on reality.



ButI was a formula fed baby so what do I know? :)

Jodi - posted on 01/30/2012

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Oh, FFS Kel, why don't you just crawl back in your hole. Seriously, you are a waste of space on this board.

Maree - posted on 01/30/2012

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ummm...i don't recall saying that i care...just can't be bothered posting anything other than how i agree with Jennifer.

[deleted account]

I can't say I'm never judgmental in a harsh way but I try very hard not to be. I do share my opinion more freely with my family and friends because I love them and I expect the same from them.



I think everyone goes through moments of just being a dumbass and it only makes us human. Needing our loved ones to help wake us up and see we're being a dumbass also only makes us human.



When it comes to people I don't know or have only met briefly, then I try to keep an open mind. If don't know the situation on a personal level, then I try not to be judgmental. If someone asks my opinion and they don't agree it doesn't offend me normally. Having a different opinion but being able to have a discussion is very different then thinking someone is wrong for not agreeing with you.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/30/2012

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Amen Krista, Amen. Of course we're not real people, we're moms and anyone of us who wants a break from being a mom (ie: an outside career) has something wrong in the head.

Krista - posted on 01/30/2012

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Jennifer...you are right. I am not going to say anything else though because no matter what i say i will get attitude from everyone else on here but just wanted to say that i agree with you.



Oh, horsefeathers. Absolute horsefeathers. Spare us all from the "poor, persecuted Kel" song and dance, okay? You're the one who came in here with guns blazing, deliberately saying rude and judgmental things about non-breastfeeding moms, with the excuse that we weren't "real people" and hence, our feelings didn't matter.



And now you're whining about getting attitude?



Gee, maybe it's because you were only too eager to dish it out?



Besides. We're not "real people", remember? You've told us that multiple times. So why should you care what kind of attitude you get from us?

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/30/2012

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Kel, have you ever considered that the reason you 'get attitude' is that you intentionally push everyone's buttons by accusing them (Ie: Working moms) of being bad parents because they don't do what you do and not just because someone doesn't agree with you?



I can honestly say my only WTF moments with other moms have been situations that Jennifer has mentioned. I have consideration moments for why another mom does something but I try really hard not to pass judgement on another mom because it's not my place. Although giving a young child soda or kool aid does give me a start.



I grew up with bi polar and ADD and my brother has ADHD so I remember quite vividly my mom being judged by other people and my grandma Donnelly for everything from adopting children (my grandma- my mom's MIL- told my mom that she should've prayed harder to have children of her own) to how she should've controlled my brother's behaivour and mine. Seeing my mom be judged so harshly pretty much helped me decide not to pass judgement on others. It also helps that I was a target for bullying because of things I had no control over. It kind of gives you compassion when you get put through a lot of crap in your formative years.

Jodi - posted on 01/29/2012

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Before I had kids and when I was preggers...wow...I was incredibly judgemental...and probably a while after I had my first too. I never would have said anything to anyone, but in my head...oh the thinks I would think!



Now, I guess I *can* be, we all can at times. Mostly, I get a little judgy with moms I know who use one parenting style and I use another...but their kids are little terrors, and it seems obvious to me whatever they're doing isn't working. But I try to always remind myself, I only see these children an hour or two at a time maybe once a week, I have no idea what their average, run of the mill behavior is like. I have no idea just *how* stressed the mom is and how hard or easy it might be for her to raise her kids day to day. Complete strangers mom, no judgement...I assume you're doing what you feel is best your children, just as I'm doing what I feel is best for my children...and maybe they might have some tips for me to use one day...even if it's something I won't practice now, I have found myself using tips I've heard from here before that I wouldn't normally use. Some have worked, some havn't. Parenting is different for everyone, what works for you, might not work for me; what works for your kids, might not work for mine...and that's ok. Just so long as our kids are happy and healthy (or as healthy as they can be...since mine have pink eye right now! lol).

Rebecca - posted on 01/29/2012

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Just to throw in my two cents, I feel I'm judged quite harshly by myself when remembering the lofty ideals I had about how to parent before my kids came along.



A lot of my ideas and opinions have shifted, and I have strong opinions that are the exact opposite of how I felt 4 years ago.



I think overall as mothers we think about our decisions and make them in the belief it is the best choice for our children. When we come across another parent's choice which is in conflict with our own, I think we automatically form an opinion the other parent is incorrect. We become judgemental when we believe that makes them lesser parents.



Having been blind-sighted by an out of character total meltdown at the shops by my child, I initially feel for a mum who is struggling with a behaviour issue and KNOWS everyone has an opinion about what she should be doing.



When I see a mum who is at a loss, I try to catch her eye and give that nod of understanding, so she knows not everyone sees her as a failure!



Opinions and judgements aside however, I have low tolerance when I come across a child who is being obnoxious, threatening or behaving in a way that could potentially upset or hurt my child.



If there is no parent intervention through lack of attention or inclination, I will admonish that child in my best teacher 'that's not appropriate' voice.



I've had the dirty looks and a few comments from other mothers, but it takes a village to raise a child, and children should acknowledge and have respect for everyone who they meet in their village.

Maree - posted on 01/29/2012

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Jennifer...you are right. I am not going to say anything else though because no matter what i say i will get attitude from everyone else on here but just wanted to say that i agree with you.

Jennifer - posted on 01/29/2012

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I do judge other mothers for their parenting style or lack thereof. Working in retail I watch parents do horrible things that only encourage their child to be a terror. They buy a toy for their child even though the child was an absolute horror the entire trip through the store. Other times the parent comes up to the register and the child is holding a toy and the parent refuses to explain to the child that it is not theirs yet and it needs to be scanned and will be returned to them once I scan it. They need to learn that a store toy isn't theirs until it's paid for. I also cringe when a parent buy toy guns for their child... especially the semi-automatic style ones that make the noise. There is absolutely NO reason a child needs to pretend play that they have a semi-automatic hand gun! If I had my choice, it wouldn't even be sold in the store I work at.



There are also the moms who allow the toy aisle to babysit their children while they shop. The kids go in there and destroy all the hard work I have done in there and I am suppose to say nothing? They open packages and break toys and their parents don't even care! Yes.... I judge other parents and I can't help it. I see how the children of today are just being allowed to grow up instead of being led or guided to make smart choices. These same parents are the ones who sue other people when THEIR little cherub does something that gets themselves hurt. Parenting is starting to become an obsolete word and it's sad.

Sally - posted on 01/29/2012

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I think we all do.its nature. It only becomes a problem when you try to stuff your believes down someone else throat. When someone puts a question up i assume that they want a honest answer. My reply maybe different to others but by exspressing it i am not saying that my way is right. Im just saying what works for me. Its up to the person to read the replies and decide for herself@

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/27/2012

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OH God, Brittany. I let my 7 year old play Halo once every other blue moon. I asked about it in a thread once and was told that my husband and I should be in Jail and not be allowed to have children because he plays Halo reach and is a hard surface modeler! I know about having my parenting style judged and I don't like it.



My 7 year old is a nice, polite, creative and helpful girl. She has her off moments like everyone does, but that's normal. She wants to go to a design school like my husband did and learn fashion design and she also wants to run a pet daycare. And she actually likes sharing a room with her baby sister,

Brittany - posted on 01/27/2012

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Jamie,



I am not going to say that I do not judge others because, we all do but, I try not to. I am a part-time cashier at a grocery store and I see all different kinds of parenting going on. I also have a little bit more wiggle room. For example, if a mother comes up with four kids and she is buying a whole bunch of "junk" food, I will ask "Having a sleepover this weekend?" or "Getting ready for the school week, I see." Most of the time they say will say "Oh, they are having a class party" or "We are having a (insert type of get together)." Perhaps I am being a bit, intrusive when I ask but, at least I am trying not to judge on a false pretense.



I know parents who believe in spanking a child and I know parents who do not. I have seen people pop that little butt in public and I have seen people threaten to do it. I do not think any less of someone who spanks then I do of someone who does not.



I can tell you, from personal experience, that my parenting style has been judged quite often. I am a white girl from New Jersey, I am Catholic, I am a Democrat and I live in South Alabama. I let my daughter (4) listen to Lady Gaga, my oldest is 6 and he LOVES video games and my youngest son is 3 and he will tell he is Batman, wears a cape and wants to play football for Auburn University. My kids are respectful, polite, helpful, intelligent, funny, well rounded and social-able. I like my parenting style for my kids.

Janice - posted on 01/27/2012

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If I wasn't around or distracted, I would be really annoyed if my child did something wrong and another parent DIDNT say something. I would never want my child to 1. hurt another child -physically or emotionally or 2. think they can get away with something because I didnt see it happen.



Tara, I know of a mom a lot like the one you described and I cant stand parents like that. Children are children and they will make misbehave sometimes. That doesnt mean "its ok they're just a kid" it means they need to be taught how to behave.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/27/2012

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Well Krista, you know that common sense isn't always that common.



Tara, I would've done the same thing. My 7 year old knows that threatening people is unacceptable, she's not even allowed to say I'm going to kill you when she plays with other children (Yes I'm the same mom who allows my child to play Halo video games) I taught her that she can't say things like that because it's mean and hurtful.



And I can foresee some serious parenting issues with that mom because she's not teaching her daughter to take responsibility for her actions.



I don't know why some moms get up in arms over another parent saying something to their child when they don't say anything first. Back when my parents were growing up if a child acted up at their friend's home the other parent was allowed to swat the child. We should just be glad that isn't socially acceptable any more and all another parent will do is talk with your child or bring the child over to you.



Completely off topic, but what is up with the lay out?

Tara - posted on 01/27/2012

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I would be quite upset if my child was doing something dangerous or hurtful to another child while adults stood by and did nothing.

We are all parents, in many ways responsible for all children. If I were in a large store and saw a child crying, obviously lost or separated from his mom I would stop and tell them I would help them find their mom and stay with them until we did.

A month ago a child at skating who has a history of being violent with other kids told my daughter in my presence that she was going to kill her by stabbing her with her skates. The other mom was also present and said NOTHING. So I said very firmly. "you sound really angry, but threatening someone like that is completely unacceptable and if you say things like to other skaters you will not be permitted on the ice." Her mom looked at me, grabbed her daughter, hugged her and walked away. Pfftt.. I'll follow through because I don't think it's fair for one child to torment others and if the parents are not going to do anything I will.

Jamie - posted on 01/26/2012

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LOL I guess this is a "hot topic"- vicious words being thrown around and all...;-)

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/26/2012

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Thanks Krista, :)



Now I have given time outs to kids in my care because they were acting out. The way I see it is you're (the child) at my house, you obey my rules or you will accept the consequences, simple as that. And I will have you sit in a chair or stand for a few minutes to think of what you did, collect yourself and appologize. And yes I'll tell your mom/dad/ care giver what happened as well.



I'm not very passive on here or in real life, if there is a kid acting out and the kid's parent isn't around I will say something to the kid. I was at a McDonald's once with an indoor play place and there were some pre-teens charging through there not paying attention to the other children- my then 4 year old included. While another mom went to get the manager I went up to the older kids stood in front of one of them and told him that the place was for little kids and they should either leave or be more careful. Then the manager made them leave.

Krista - posted on 01/26/2012

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I agree with the other girls. If some kid is endangering himself, or endangering other children, and the parent is nowhere to be found, only an idiot would sit passively by and go "La, la, la...none of my business....I'm not his mother." We're not talking about garden-variety discipline here. If a kid's misbehaving, then no, it's not my business. If a kid is climbing up on a table and likely to break his neck, then yes, I'm going to tell him to get down from there before he gets hurt. And if a kid is waving a stick around and just about poking the other kids' eyes out, and the mother or father isn't doing anything about it, then yeah, I'm going to say, "Hey -- don't wave that stick around. You could really hurt someone!"



That's just common sense, frankly.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/26/2012

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If the child is endagering themself you should be able to take action as well. DH and I walk my older daughter to school in the morning when it's nice out and home in the afternoon. In the beginning of the school year we'd also walk one of my daughter's friends to school and tell him to stay away from the side of the road or even tugged on the boy's arm to get him away from the road.



Also here in Canada teachers are allowed to do time outs if a student isn't behaiving at primary levels.

Jamie - posted on 01/26/2012

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I agree...

if the mother isn't actively taking care of the issue and it is affecting my family, I would definitely say something!



If it isn't a dangerous situation then I would give the mother a chance to react first. If the parents are nowhere to be found then it becomes my place to stop it.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 01/26/2012

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Katherine, if your kid smacks , hits or throws something that hits my kid (or my baby) though and he or she knows better I will have a talk with your child then you and I will have a talk.



DH and I had to do it a few times over the summer with some kids in our apartment complex. One morning we woke up to all three of this woman's children banging on our BEDROOM window, playing on DH's spare tires (we don't have a storage unit so they were on our patio) and chalking on the side of our apartment. DH yelled at them then we went over to the woman's apartment so she could talk with her kids and know what they did. And I'm not talking about a 2 year old testing bounderies here, I'm talking about school age children



Your children are at someone's home and although you aren't paying the other people they have the same authority with your children as a baby sitter would. At least IMO. And your children should expect that if they don't respect the rules at someone else's home they will at least get a time out.



ETA: I don't see where Laura said she'd snap at someone's child.

Katherine - posted on 01/26/2012

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Dear sweet Laura. My pet peeve would be that mom who feels obligated to parent another child without allowing or informing the parent of what happened. Sometimes kids don't mean to do things like that. They are kids learning and forgetting. Don't think its ever your place to put a CHILD in his/her place. It's a child at a young age interacting with other children you can't control every situation.

Snap at my kid and you will be put in your place.

Michelle - posted on 01/22/2012

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I try not to judge, there are times where I do catch myself thinking about how much of a (for lack of another word) brat that child is. For example my daughter recently attended a party at which she was given a balloon and everytime she was given one a 5 year old would proceed to take it off her for herself which eventually made me snap that same child is pushy rude and arrogant but that could just be the way the child is although i know the parents and know that she is allowed to walk all over everyone I also catch myself thinking that I would not do that to my child but I do believe that it is their choice and they must find it works or that is how they cope. Unless someone is beating their child(not just a smack) than I dont think im judging I think I just disagree with the methods IF they were used on my child.

Jamie - posted on 01/22/2012

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disagreeing and judging are two different things.



I am not sure if you are referring to Laura, but this is the way I see it (and Laura may chime in and say if she agrees of not, I'm not speaking for her)



My initial issue with negative judgement is it makes mothers feel pressure to all have the exact same parenting style. If they are advocating there is only one choice, that is what I take issue with.



If you want to wear a cover NIP I would support to until the end. If you say everyone needs to wear a cover, that is where I find judgement. (not saying you said that, just explaining my reasoning)



I don't change my value of you as a mother or a human being because I believe that nursing in public without a cover is beneficial for everyone, and you disagree.



I'm going to give you my reasoning behind why I support it. That is probably where you feel judged, but it isn't my intention at all.



I don't feel by using a cover you are wrong by any means. I am just explaining why I would never use one. I am not going to make the world feel comfortable because they don't share my beliefs. If you disagree you disagree, and that is okay.



I personally feel like there needs to be some kind of conviction in a person's beliefs. Speaking about something passionately even if the other end opposes doesn't mean they are judging the other person personally or negatively. It just means they are giving truths to why they believe what they do.



I think there is also a confusion with my initial question and what the real question evolved into through the posting. The "two types of judgement" that Elfrieda pointed out. There is a helpful (primal) judgement, and then there is a negative judgement (the one I should have specified in the original question)

Suzie - posted on 01/22/2012

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i disagree your post on other debates are very judgmental and very your way is the only way as i have been on the reciving end of it. so Yes i see were the other moth is coming from and frankley we are all like that. we all have our veiws and that makes us indivduals and there will never be a utopia and that is fine with me

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