Do you believe that having children totally changes marriages?

[deleted account] ( 17 moms have responded )

Do you believe that having children totally changes marriages?
Why or why not?

Just because your relationship changes once you have kids do you think that is a good enough reason to get divorced? Why or why not?

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Sal - posted on 02/14/2011

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my relationship with my 1st sons dad died completly after his birth, it wasn't amazing anyway but having my son made me act, i wasn't going to have my precious baby being bought up with hate and hostility everyday, i hadn't had the courage to leave before he was born even though i probally should of, but having him relying on me gave me the strenght to demand a better life and when his dad wouldn;'t step up i left him, so i changed and that ment i left him,

Krissy - posted on 02/13/2011

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First question...

Does having a baby change YOU???

If so, then, yes, it's going to change your married life...

However, if both parents are looking forward to parenting and remember to put an effort into themselves as well as their child, then the impact can be very minimal..

Also, the changes can be more indepth over time. As your child grows, as you have multiple children, etc... you continue to change...

It's really unfortunate when marriages fail over having kids. I honestly think it's wrong, and obviously the fault lies with the parents... sometimes one more than the other, but still lies with them NOT the fault of the baby.

Sharon - posted on 02/13/2011

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Yes & No.

Some relationships are built on pleasing each other 100%, some are completely thrill seeking, new adventures every week and there are others but I've been in both of those kinds.

Once you have kids - you can no longer indulge in those self serving behaviours.

Women tend to get to the "time to have kids" thing before guys. When guys get suckered into having kids (I call them guys rather than men) they become resentful. They can't resent their kids, thats unnatural. But its perfectly acceptable to hate the woman that won't let you go skydiving every weekend. Who sucks up your money redesigning yet another baby nursery.
Is it a good reason? Not really. Are they immature - hell yeah. This is why they shouldn't have become fathers to begin with.

My brother is a geek tech collector. If its brand spanking new technology - he has to have it. His girlfriend has a kid from a previous relationship. He does NOTHING to support the kid. Why? He says its not his. Well duh. but her dad is absent from her life why not buy her some clothes? Pitch in for the electric? Nope. It would get in the way of his tech collecting. I think he and his girlfriend are idiots. But they're happy with the way their relationship is. she wants another kid, he doesn't. He thinks the one kid she has is a huge impedment to an other wise fun relationship. I've told him to wear a condom at all times and see if she'd be willing to go on a more permanent birth control... other wise he's going to find himself a "dad" when he doesn't want to.

If you can't be utterly devoted to being a father & mother, then you should get a divorce.

And yes, I've seen it and read of it from the females point of view. They just want to be young and carefree or pursue dreams they just realised or missed out on.

Krista - posted on 02/13/2011

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I think it's impossible for having kids to NOT change your marriage in some way. I've heard from some people that having kids strengthens your marriage, and from others that it weakens it.

I think in a way, it's both. You tend to have a bit less time and patience, and might snipe at each other a little more when you're exhausted and stressed out.

However, you also suddenly have a sense of yourself as being a family. And the love you share for your child flows into the love you have for each other. Seeing your partner in their new role as a parent can open your eyes to some incredible qualities that you didn't know they had.

So I think that if your relationship changes for the worse after having had kids, it's worth really working on, because I think that love is still there -- it's just drowned out by other, more immediate stresses.

Sara - posted on 02/13/2011

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It has changed my marriage. Sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad...but we soilder through it. I think we had a pretty good foundation before we had a child, so the stresses induced by children are a storm we can weather. If you don't have a good foundation, I think the stress of a child can and sometimes does bring the whole thing down.

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[deleted account]

I can honestly say that IMO marriage does change when you have kids. Your carefree life is no longer there. You don't get to or at least shouldn't get to do whatever you want whenever you want. Children are not planned over 70% of the time and so in any relationship it can be a cause of change. My DH and I had our DD Astin before we married so we were already parents. We got married a year later and we have 2 more wonderful, beautiful girls.

I agree with Krissy in the following;
It's really unfortunate when marriages fail over having kids. I honestly think it's wrong, and obviously the fault lies with the parents... sometimes one more than the other, but still lies with them NOT the fault of the baby.

I really think parents/people need to think about what could happen BEFORE having sex. If you aren't ready for that child then don't have sex. If you never want children then go get it cut off, out, or removed. I have seen and will see more lives ruined because they were so happy before they had children. They have kids and they fall apart. It isn't the children's faults and yet as adults we as a society seem to think it is perfectly ok to just jump from one marriage to another. I actually think children were better off when there was no such thing as divorce. it forced the married couple to actually work out and work through their differences instead of just giving up and moving on.

I am curious if there is anyone out there willing to stand up and say;
Yes my marriage failed after I had kids. They totally changed our relationship and we realized we just couldn't keep going as a couple.

I know there are hundreds of thousands of people out there like this but I doubt less than a dozen will admit to it.

[deleted account]

Having children changed our marriage, but not that much. When we got married we already had our oldest living with us full time (she's my step daughter), so adding our first baby together was a change, but not as big a change as I think it would have been if we didn't already have our oldest.



I think there are very few reasons that justify a divorce, but chanigng because of the dynamic that children brings is one that is a yes and no for me (if that makes sense). I know a lot of people that have drasitcally changed after having children, and not always for the good, and those relationships have crumbled. BUT, I also know people who have had children, but remeain true to who they were before they had kids (mostly at least) and those marriages are lasting (so far).



I think the main issue is that couples should have a solid foundation before they have kids. It's like a house (IMO), if the base is weak, or built on a swamp, the house will sink. If the base is strong and on good ground, then the house will stand through the ages - even with additions here and there.

Sal - posted on 02/14/2011

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by the time we got married we had 2 children so didn;t chanage ours much, but of course kids change a reationship, and change isn;t always bad, and change happens to anyperson over time, i do think that people don;t always realise how big an impact a baby is going to have, they think of cute little bubs, not the noisy tantrum chucking toddler, the sheer work that goes into school age kids and the stress of a teenager. How ever if your unhappy together and making it work isn;t happening yep get a divorce i don;t believe in staying together for the kids, being good parents isn;t connected to being married

April - posted on 02/13/2011

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I was only married for 7 months before I got pregnant...so I really don't have much to compare to. We dated for 3 years but didn't really have that day in and day out experience with each other. I lived several hours away in another state. About a year before we were married, I finally moved to the same state! We really didn't get that much of a chance to experience life without children. We didn't travel or do spontaneous things, etc... because I was working on my master's degree (which I completed 1 week before our son was born). I guess I am concluding that having our son was part of the whole marriage experience (hope that makes sense!)

Sharon - posted on 02/13/2011

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Well our marriage changed. My LIFE changed.

I used to get off for the weekend, gas my truck up and head off in some direction I hadn't been in before and I'd drive until half a tank was gone.

I used to free climb cliffs.

I used to hit the dance clubs 5 nights a week.

I was bored with the nightclub scene by the time I got pregnant. But I didn't expect I'd have to give up the rest of it. I didn't realise how much gear a baby needed, to be comfortable through out the day. I'm a gadget person too, so I have everything under the sun for a baby or toddler.

I didn't mind giving up my outings because I got to show this brand new person everything I considered cool as a kid and plenty of things that weren't around when I was a kid that I considered cool or at least interesting.

Even though the cliffs weren't far off - I had to give it up - I got hung up (not the first time) and I realised I could fall and then where would my baby be?

I cheerfully gave up all those things - with some moderate regrets.

But some guys just don't see the joy in a baby. The newness of the world through a toddlers eyes. They're bored to tears contemplating a trip to the zoo.

My husband was older, divorced a woman who didn't enjoy motherhood but took their kid as hostage anyway, who was utterly devoted to kids.

He even sacrificed our livingroom furniture.. ::: sigh ::: sonofabitch.....

Stifler's - posted on 02/13/2011

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We got married after we had kids so not really. We mutually decided that having kids was a much bigger commitment than getting married. I have a pretty good marriage if we disagree about something we get over it quickly.

Fiona-Rhiannon - posted on 02/13/2011

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Having a child didnt totally change my marriage. Things are certain to change. But Having our second child, and her being disabled has put alot of stress on our relationship. We have slightly different views on things, so come to blows about her care, and because i am her main care provider, im nearly always too tired to be with my husband.
But were working through it.
I think if you share the responsibility of the child, things can work easily. We have more time for each other and share the stress load!!!

But having a child gives you this wonderful bond and no matter what, you share something you both love completely, and in the same way.
But it is something that should be talked about!

Bonnie - posted on 02/13/2011

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Yes. I would say marriage changes once you have kids. Some marriages grow stronger because you have a different bond than you did when you were just a couple. Some marriages grow apart because it seems to be only about the kids and the stresses that having kids puts on a marriage.
I don't think it is a good enough reason to get a divorce. Marriage is suppose to be for better or worse, but people have their own reasonings. If it gets to the point where the couple can't even stand being in the same room as one another than a divorce is probably best :-).

[deleted account]

I don't think having our son has changed our relationship per se, but he has enriched our lives, he has made us happier so everything seems better.

I think though that to bring children into a relationship you need to have a strong relationship to start with becase band aid babies do not work, they force relationships further apart. I think that if you're not happy in your relationship it is important to do something about it, especially if you have children, whether that be going for therapy together or getting a divorce only the couple will know.

Jenn - posted on 02/13/2011

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I don't know that I'd say it TOTALLY changes a relationship, but there are obviously changes that will occur. First of all, in the beginning, you'll be lacking sleep and cranky. Your social life becomes more restricted (well, unless you're a useless POS who doesn't care and goes out ALL the time still). But other than that, I don't think it has to change. I don't think it's a good enough reason to get divorced, because you got married for a reason and you find a way to work through the hard times. Now, if you're talking about the relationship changing because someone's not putting out and the other person cheated - yeah, I'd think a divorce would be warranted if they are not willing to work things out.

September - posted on 02/13/2011

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Yes and no. I think having our son has made keeping that healthy balance a bit more challenging but I don't think that it's totally changed our marriage. It took at least the first year of our son's life to adjust to parenthood but the feelings and love I have for my husband have never changed throughout the journey. I think that we will continue to adjust as our son grows but we've found our healthy balance now. We had a child because we love each other very much and regardless of the challenges we’ve faced we’ve stuck together, love has always been our foundation. I would never consider divorcing my husband due to the life changes we’ve had to adjust to, by bringing a new life into the world. It’s been a beautiful thing, even in the hardest of times.

Katherine - posted on 02/13/2011

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Sometimes it does, if you haven't talked about it before getting married.
It does change a relationship because you just don't have the time it seems to be with your SO as much anymore.

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