Do you get along for the children's sake?

Katherine - posted on 12/08/2010 ( 17 moms have responded )

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Ok so my soon to be ex husband and I hadn't gotten along for about 2 years now. Everyone always says, "You need to get along for the kids!!"

What?

The kids leave and move away, then you're left with each other. Why drag it on?

What's your take?

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Jenn - posted on 12/08/2010

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I think there's a difference between staying together for the kids and getting along for the kids. I did not stay with my son's father, but I do get along with him. Well, truth be told I think he's a lying sack of shit who isn't worth my time - he lied about still being married to someone else, about having another child who he also owes child support to for like 10 years, and he has very little to do with our son (by his own choice) and has not paid child support in over 2 years - but of course it's all my fault so he says *rolls eyes*. But, even though I hate his guts and sometimes wish he'd just fuck off and die, I don't ever speak ill of him around my son and when he does come to pick Phillip up I greet him at the door with a smile and a friendly "hello".

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Tara - posted on 12/08/2010

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Been there done that. I was married for 10 years, the last year and a bit we actually tried living in the same house but in different rooms. It's just not worth it, nor do I think it is fair to children for parents to stay in a loveless marriage, especially if there is any hostility or anger between the parents.

All that teachers children is that emotional needs are not important and that the best solution to a problem is to ignore it. This does not mean that I don't believe in trying to save a failing marriage, I tried and I tried and I tried.... and many people do. But the stats say it all, marriage counselling more often leads to marital breakdown rather than marital success.

Being unhappy in a marriage can be fixed but that takes two willing people who still love each other. And to me whether you have kids or not shouldn't matter in that regard. You married each other, not the family you would one day create. Family is forever but marriages fail.

Besides kids aren't stupid, even little kids can sense when things aren't good between mom and dad and it's completely unfair in my opinion to force children to grow up with that kind of anxiety.



edited to add the word "not" because without it a contradicted myself.

Stifler's - posted on 12/08/2010

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I think people should definitely work on the relationship because there is a reason you got married... but sometimes people just grow apart and can't and don't want to get along. It's better to divorce than have the kids watch you fight and be unhappy everyday.

Rosie - posted on 12/08/2010

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i'm confused are you asking if you should stay together for the kids, or simply get along for the kids. cause the first option is crap, but the second one i think is completely ideal. obviously if the other partner is a twit, it throws those plans down the tube, but i would say you have to make an effort. things would go so much more smoothly for the children if both parents could get along. :)

[deleted account]

Ditto Jodi, only I don't think my situation is 'quite' that severe. Very similar, but very different too.

Jodi - posted on 12/08/2010

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My ex and I still don't get along......honestly, the guy is a jerk. You can't do much about it with someone like that. He won't talk to me, he will only yell at me or hang up the phone, leaving me with the handset wondering what the fuck happened. Mind you, this is after 10 years divorced. He is an abusive, controlling shit who still slags me off to his son (who doesn't actually listen to it, he just tells me what was said, rolls his eyes and moves on).

So basically, I just agree to not get along and all my contact with him is by text message only. Or I send a note or letter with my son. That works for us SOOOO much better. I have absolutely no desire to speak to him.

I still have no idea what is going to happen come the school formals, 18th, 21st, wedding, grandkids, and so on. I have time to deal with that. With a bit of luck maybe he will have mellowed his anger a bit.....

No, no-one should ever stay together just for the kids, but you should always make the effort to get along once you make the decision that you are not staying together. Easier for some than others.

Lacye - posted on 12/08/2010

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my parents left each other when i was a young child. to this day they won't even speak to each other. If something was to be discussed, it was through my stepmother and I know that put a huge strain on her because she couldn't stand my mother. I wouldn't stay with a man if i wasn't happy with him but if we had children, i would at least try to talk things out with him and get along.

Nikki - posted on 12/08/2010

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I agree that it is very unhealthy to stay in a relationship just for the children. Although if you are separated, I think it is important to at least pretend to be nice to each other in front of the children. Separation and divorce can be stressful on a child, I think that as parents one of the best ways we can teach our children is to be a positive role model, part of that includes being civil and polite, even if we don't necessarily like them very much. That's not to say you have to be best mates, just no bitch fights or slagging each other in front of the kids.

Kylie - posted on 12/08/2010

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I dont think getting along means staying together. I think it's important that kids dont have to worry and stress about drop offs and special events when mum and dad will both be there. It makes it easier on them if their parents respect and like each other or pretend to like each other.

Hannah - posted on 12/08/2010

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My parents are still together but I do remember many times when I was younger that I wished they would divorce. My parents constantly fought, I could tell my dad wasn't inlove with my mom and I could tell that my mom knew he wasn't. It was terrible and I always felt caught in the middle. I hated seeing my mom hurt and I knew she would be so much happier. Still to this day I hate seeing my dad "check out" other woman and my mom turning a blind eye because she doesn't want to admit it.

My point is, you should NEVER stay together for the kids. Kids know when things are right and they can tell if something is wrong.

September - posted on 12/08/2010

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I get along with my husband because he is my friend, my partner and the father of our son. I don’t think it's ever a good idea to stay involved in a relationship that is unhealthy just for the children.

Katherine - posted on 12/08/2010

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Well said. But you don't STAY with him. ANd you wouldn't after all of that. I can see getting along after the divorce, but not while you're married just for the sake of it.

Bonnie - posted on 12/08/2010

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I have heard of too many cases of couples staying together for the kids or because the kids are small. Truthfully, I think it is better for parents to split before it gets too bad so the kids don't go insane. Many children blast their music or hide out just get away and try to avoid the yelling or fighting and it's not healthy.

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