Do you PARENT to PLEASE others?

[deleted account] ( 18 moms have responded )

I most certainly do not.I am 100% happy and confident in how i parent.I dont feel in anyway less of a mother if I'm doing it differently to another.



I feel for the moms who cant parent how the want or who will parent differently around certain mothers to fit in so to not be looked down on etc.



Your thoughts..be 100% honest because i know many feel judged, as i have been in many areas of my parenting because its different to another.

It even goes back to the delivery of our children and the choices we make before there even born into the world for heaven sakes.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sharon - posted on 09/05/2010

11,585

12

1315

NO. I don't give a shit what anyone thinks about my parenting choices. My kis are healthy, happy, well behaved, well mannered, earn good grades, have lots of interests and I LIKE THEM. They're cool kids who can hold intelligent conversations. I'd feel bad about bragging about that except everyone tells me the same thing. No matter what subject comes up, they have some idea of what its about.

Ez - posted on 09/06/2010

6,569

25

237

Do I parent to please others? Not even remotely lol. Do I feel judged for some of my choices? Sometimes. I have felt judged purely for being a single mother. I've felt judged for being an AP Mumma. Do I care? Not in the least. If I did, I wouldn't be on COMs lol.

But I do think our most valuable resources are other mothers, so I love hearing other people's stories and parenting attitudes. None of us know everything, so none of us should be shut off from other options and suggestions. But I have no issue dismissing someone's advice if it doesn't feel right ('just let her cry!'/'she needs a smack!').

[deleted account]

I am naturally a people-pleaser. Always have been. Just within the past few years I've learned to not care so much what people think. But it's still hard. When it comes to my daughter, I listen to what other say, then just do what I want, but my feelings will get hurt sometimes. Thankfully, I have a husband that knows my nature, and will help me not take things so personally. Plus he backs me up when it's his family getting to me.

Charlie - posted on 09/05/2010

11,203

111

409

I only care about my kids and my fiance .

I dont give a shit if people are bothered by me BF in public which is probably why i dont see anyone who really cares anyway .

I dont care if people dont like me using a pacifier when my baby is crying from his colic , it soothes him .

I really do not give a shit that i had an epidural after trying for hours ( days in coopers case ) to push my giant babies out .

Oh i could go on about everything i do as a parent but i just dont care LOL .

I am completley confident in the choices i make that doesnt mean i dont make mistakes because i have but i learn from them , i am open to learning and enjoy parenting the way i do .

Mary - posted on 09/05/2010

3,348

31

123

I don't...one of the benefits to being an older mom is that I'm past the age of giving a shit what other's think =)

This conversation has been closed to further comments

18 Comments

View replies by

Jacquie - posted on 09/06/2010

109

43

5

Nope- however I will pretend to.

For example- my mother/father/grandmother/aunt/in-law/church lady will give me some "helpful" advice, to which I will say to him/her "Gee, I should really try that. Thank you SO much for the tip."

But I don't really try it.

Amie - posted on 09/05/2010

6,596

20

412

I do not. It's caused a few issues over the years, especially within my own family.

My parents were spankers, we are not.
My in-laws think we spoil our children, we've told them just because they couldn't afford certain things for their children does not mean we are spoiling ours.
My husband's grandma is the worst for making rude comments, though I honestly think she doesn't realize it comes off that way. Lately she's been on us about our 3rd child's potty training and how "back in her day" kids started training at 1. *sigh*

I can understand why some would do it though, if for no other reason than to not cause waves with someone they care about. I don't personally care if I make waves or not. I've had it out with every family member who has had something negative to say.

I've also laughed at more then one friend who has given me parenting "advice". I should mention too that those friends did not have children at the time. Now that they do, their parenting ideas have flown out the window. gqtm.

Krista - posted on 09/05/2010

12,562

16

847

I'm with Carol on this one: I'm not always 100% confident in my choices, just because you have no idea what the results will be long-term.

However, all of my choices are made because I think that they are in the best interest of my child and my family -- my choices are not made due to pressure from any third party.

[deleted account]

Exactly i agree with many saying look at my children..i believe the proof is in the pudding as the saying goes.Just look at the children&listen to them and you see were we have went right or wrong lol.

Johnny - posted on 09/05/2010

8,686

26

322

I always have doubts, but they aren't related to what other people would think about what I'm doing. I worry that my choices will have the intended outcome for my daughter, but that's all I care about. I've chosen to do some things other people disapprove of. My daughter sleeps in her own bed, but we've always allowed her to come in with us when she chooses. We've received criticism for that, mostly from my mom. I chose to breastfeed until she was 2, and I pumped until she was 18 months. I didn't get to much flack for the breastfeeding, but 2 women at my work actually filed a complaint about me using the bathroom to pump when it was no longer 'necessary' for my child. Luckily for me, my boss is a great guy and backed me unequivocally. I don't give a rat's ass what other people think of my choices, I think that what matters is if my child is happy and well-adjusted. I try not to get too concerned about other people's parenting choices, as long as I can see that they are intended to produce that same result all parents should want, happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids. If I think that the choices are made for other particularly wrong reasons, then yeah, I might judge.

[deleted account]

Being 100% confident in how i parent doesn't mean i have to be close minded though.We can always learn from others and better improve in areas of parenting etc..thats a good healthy way to be as a parent.I love all the input so far..very honest.:-)i think we need to own who we are as parents and not apologize for it and if we improve on areas or have help to see were we can improve thats fantastic but i wont apologize for how i got my daughters into the world or be made feel less for how i chose to feed them and discipline them etc.You know the usual stuff on this were your made to feel like crap..formula is poison and dummies are bla bla bla..lol.Even if i dont use some of those things or do some of those parenting techiques i dont think i am above anyone to judge them for them doing it.

Rosie - posted on 09/05/2010

8,657

30

321

i don't parent to please others, even if i did i wouldn't be pleasing EVERYBODY because everybody has different opinions on how things should go. i just do what makes me and my family happy, whatever that may be.
i had at first wanted to do some things that others had wanted me to do, like breastfeeding or not taking any drugs during labor, so i questioned myself, and i felt bad for not doing things the way others wanted me to. but i have since grown up and realized that those things didn't make me or my children happy. the way i did things did make us happy so they can all piss off!!
and like sarah has said i have some healthy, happy, well behaved ( well for the most part, and as much as you can expect with one autistic child) little boys. thats all the proof i need to prove that i've done things right. :)

Sarah - posted on 09/05/2010

5,465

31

344

I wouldn't say that I parent to please others, but I also wouldn't say that I'm 100% happy and confident in the way I parent either.



There's many situations and occasions when I think "Did I handle that the right way?" or "How the hell do other people get their kids to do X Y and Z"

I DO second guess some of the decisions I make.

I TRY to make informed and educated decisions on how I bring up my kids, but I am only human, and I make mistakes, or misjudge a situation.



I'll admit there's times when I think everyone else must have got some secret handbook about raising kids that I missed out on!!



In saying that, I have 2 beautiful smart little girls, who are (the majority of the time) well behaved and polite. They're not behind in intelligence or physical milestones or anything. They seem happy and contented. So I must be doing something right hey!



While I don't think I parent to please others, I do learn from others. Sometimes I will see (or read on here) advice and think "Hey, that's a good idea!" so I try to implement it myself. Not to please them, or to conform to what "should be done" but just because I hadn't thought of it!



I have felt judged for a few things, mostly not breastfeeding and having a C-section and for using my own little version of CIO. I know in my head now though, that I made the RIGHT decisions for my family. Sometimes it takes a little time to be at peace with decisions you've made.



No-one is perfect, no-one gets it right first time, every time. :)



(jeez, what an essay! sorry!)

Nikki - posted on 09/05/2010

5,263

41

574

I don't parent to please others any more, I did to begin with until I realised it was so much easier and we were all much happier if I just followed my own instincts.

C. - posted on 09/05/2010

4,125

35

242

I'm like you, Ashie.. I am 100% confident in how I parent. My son is proof that I am doing well. He's very intelligent for 2 years old, he has manners that most 2 year olds DON'T have (says 'please' and 'thank you' for everything, 'you're welcome' and even says 'excuse me' if he burps/farts.) He listens.. Very well, might I add, to everything we say. So while some people may think that the occasional spanking is 'horrific', it has obviously worked well with him thus far (for example, if he's about to climb on the GLASS part of our coffee table, he's told 'No!' and if he continues to do it, he gets a spanking b/c we don't want him to fall through).



I couldn't be happier with how I parent.

Stifler's - posted on 09/05/2010

15,141

154

604

I feel like I don't know what people are on about at times. It's always "I'm so busy" like I feel like I'm not doing enough with my kid as I'm not that busy, just bored. He likes to play by himself and won't sit still for a story and doesn't care that I'm facebooking or hanging out washing. I've gotten over trying to be a clean freak as it doesn't make me happy anyway and I'd rather walk and visit friends and go to mother's group and travel than stay home and clean.

[deleted account]

Hell NO! I parent to please myself, my child/ren and their father, in other words, I do what works for our family according to our circumstances and values. I am also confident in my parenting decisions and couldn't care less what others think of me for some of my more 'controversial' choices. Sure, I've felt judged for some of my approaches, but what other people think doesn't really bother me unless they are personally attacking or insulting me.

I guess I see your point about people who can't parent how they want or to please others and feeling looked down on, but I really just wish more people would own their own choices and their own emotions. Nobody else can MAKE you FEEL guilty, selfish or inadequate, that is your own interpretation and emotional emphasis. I feel that if you are confident in your actions being based in the belief and knowledge that you are doing the right thing according to all of the information/research/experience you have at your disposal, then people can say, feel, do what they like about you and it will just roll off your back. At least that's how I try to live.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms