Do you think this would be affecting a 9 year olds development

Angela - posted on 11/16/2011 ( 9 moms have responded )

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This is a complicated one. I have always been a part of my 9 year old daughters life to begin with. When she was born I was a teenage mother and my parents helped watch her while I worked. At some point the lines were crossed between grandparents and parent. We had tried moving out when she was very young but myself being young as well knew this was not the best decision I could not care for her the way they could. So I moved out (my parents and me fought non stop day and night) and left her with them. This was to be temporary. I would visit while not at work be there for all mild stones just did not sleep there. My father would tell me , once I was at a place he felt that he was comfortable living with me than he would return her to me. I worked all the time , rented a two bedroom apartment and tried everything in my power to be right by his eyes. But every time it would not be good enough. A year or two later I became very depressed and moved back in, I was still mommy to my daughter and everything was going back to normal. I met a man (now my fiance) we purchased a house in a wonderful kid friendly neighborhood in the best school in our district. I became very successful in my career and make a pretty decent income as well does my fiance. When we purchased the home my dad was moving out of state to help a friend with a business endenvoure . This was okay because we worked out an arrangement that she would gradually move into the home (weekends than a week here and there) to allow her to adjust . At the time she was 5. Everything was going smoothly until my mother asked if they could visit my dad. With no reason to believe that this would not be okay I agreed to a 2 week visitation out of state. After the two weeks they did not come back, I threatened calling the police and was calmly told that I should read over paperwork when I signed it. See before I moved out the first time I thought maybe the military would be the best option for us, but chickened out, my fathers attorney worked up paperwork that was suppost to state in the event of my death they would have custody. Little did I know at that time being 19 and trusting I signed off rights to my parents. So here is were we stand. My daughter is now 9, we have gone through some court custody battles (I decided I did not want to do that to her) and we have gone over agreements over the past couple of years ( holidays and summers I get her) We have gone round and round in arguements that she is now calling them mom and dad and other things I don't agree with but I am always the one depressed at the end of the conversation because they manipulate me into thinking it's whats best for her. Now here we are she is 9, an arguement came about her not coming up for Christmas. My father calls me the next day and states she wants to come home and she misses her family and this is what she wants. He now wants me to take on all custody. I am completely ready, my fiance and family in the area are on board and we have everything ready to go as far as school child care and everything. My father was very gun ho on this and said it's what she really wants , now 2 weeks later he is not so sure about the idea and is calling me all kinds of names out of anger and saying that I'll never be the mother my mom was and just putting me down so bad. I want to do what's right for my daughter but I grew up in a very emotionaly abusing household from both my parents and fear the same for her, not to mention I feel it's right for her to be around her family and with me. I just do not know how to look at this and what the long run risks will be for her once she is older. I do think she is going to change her mind on wanting to be with me because of seeing them upset and that is not the right thing for her.

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Sal - posted on 11/16/2011

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i understand that you dont want to hurt her by going through court, but if she knows you are fighting for her in the long run she will know you did it for love, ALWAYS the best options if a amicable mediation with legal papers drawn up rather than a full on court case where you and your parents can put in writing the type of arrangments you have had in the past that your dad backed out on but if this can;t happen you have to ge to court, get a lawyer who fully understands the situaion you are in and fight for your little girl, it is going to be hard with her at nine but it is nver going to get any easier...good luck

[deleted account]

The only thing I can think to add is to stop talking to your dad. Get your lawyer and have him/her do all the communication. Emotional abuse/manipulation is VERY hard to get away from... especially if you keep trying to communicate w/ the abuser.

Since you can't go back in time and change the past... the only other input I have is... Good luck!!!

Sal - posted on 11/16/2011

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ohhh and by ripping her away from her mother and not letting you have full custody they are being enotionallly abusive, she would know they are calling you names and that hurts your relationaship with her and that is abusive, so you have every right to be concerned about her emotional health

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Angela - posted on 11/18/2011

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Jeannette , thank you for sharing this, it does give hope in a sense that I am not the only one that has been in this situation and that I can work through this. The statement that you made about your now 20 year old is why I feel the need to step it up and not be scared and keep pushing through. I do not want her to anger or resentment towards myself nor towards my parents or anyone else in life. I appreciate the comments from everyone, this is a fantastic site in so many different ways!!

Jeannette - posted on 11/17/2011

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Your story sounds a lot like mine Angela. I had my first child when I was 18. I tried taking care of her, but like you said, you need your familial support at times.
Support, key word. My mom and step-dad made me out to be a careless bitch who was doing more harm than good to my daughter. I moved in with a guy shortly after she was born, just to get away from them! I NEVER signed over anything to them, even though they CONSTANTLY (capitalized to stress almost daily, but for certain weekly) tried to convince me to let them adopt her. They kept her beyond any weekend visitations I would allow more than once. It destroyed us for a time. This all stemmed from me going back to school for computer programming while living with my sister. My parents live in the middle of nowhere, my sister lived in Arlington, TX. So, since there were no online schools at the time, I lived with her so I could get to school.
Because of that stint of time (and they would not bring my daughter up to visit me btw, I always had to fly/drive down, broke as Hell, and pay child support, PLUS continued paying child support after her father started paying) and making me feel as if I didn't love her if I didn't buy her new clothes or toys every visit. Love = cash spent on my side of the family.
At any rate, I ended up moving back in with my parents, in the middle of nowhere. I got a job in a city 40 miles away and my brother got a job with me so he could drive me back and forth. Btw, I didn't have a car, the car I used in Arlington was my Mom's which she promptly sold when I moved back in. Which sucked because my parents bought both of my sibling's cars. And is still doing it for one of them, 20 years later...
Longer story short, my daughter is now 20. She is very angry about how much my parents interfered with her and I. She knows that if she or her siblings were to have a child and needed help, I would never do to them what was done to me. It took me a long time to be able to trust myself and my judgment as a mother.
My biological father, my husband, and even my daughter's bio father had to convince me that I did love my child and I was doing a good job. That cash did not in fact = love.
Angela, fight with all that is in you. You realize your mistakes, forgive yourself and get your daughter back!

Tracey - posted on 11/17/2011

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Either record all phone calls or communicate via email so you have evidence of name calling / emotional blackmail.

[deleted account]

She is your daughter and you have every right to get her back. Get a lawyer and fight for her. They can't keep her from you.

Angela - posted on 11/16/2011

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I agree on many different levels that I was very wrong on many different things over the past years. Signing the paperwork my biggest mistake, it was more along the lines as my parents were the only people in my life and I trusted them, when my dad explained everything that the paperwork stated I trusted what he was telling me was true, it was all very fast , very legal writing and just plain idiocracy on my part. It did take me years of therapy and speaking with people to realize how I was treated as a child was not "normal". As far as them being emotionaly abusive to my child it's kind of weird, they never really have been. They are so loving towards her and basicaly took everything they did wrong in my sisters lives and did right by her. Now with that being said she is still my daughter. And the lawyer thing is deffiently in the works, my father has a way of munipulating me and making me believe that it's all "for my best interest and the interest of the child". I have grown up from the scared child I was and have a wonderful support system and can recognize to some parts when he is trying to "get one by" on me. Even as an adult it is hard to justify how a parent could do this to their child , my entire family is on my side but also don't want to fight with each other so basically stay out of it but no one can rap their head around the situation. I am not a bad person, for years I falsley believed I was , but I am not I was just very very weak. I am researching to find the best lawyer in their area because it is my understanding since the child has been residing in that area for over 6 months it would have to go through their court system. Thank you for your reply and I can completly understand the distraught part because even after everything if this was presented to me I would want to shake the person and be like WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU

~♥Little Miss - posted on 11/16/2011

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??????? Ok, I am very distraught by this whole thing on many MANY levels. But I am only going over the main points. GET A FUCKING LAWYER AND EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO THEM! I don't see how you would be tricked into signing over all parental rights without you even looking at the paper work to see what you were siging. Secondly, if she is being raised in a house that is emotionally abusive, it is sad that you let her stay there ever. BUT since you cannot change that now, those are great points to bring up to your lawyer. You want your daughter??? Find the best lawyer and do it.

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