Do you think women should stay with their husbands because they can't afford to do it alone?

Brandi - posted on 02/04/2011 ( 23 moms have responded )

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I know a lot of women who are scared to leave their husbands for the simple fact that they couldn't afford to be a single mom.

Do you agree with this? How would you handle this situation?

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[deleted account]

I'm a sahm too, but I did it by choice. That does not mean I'm not prepared to walk if he ever pushes me! I actually do have a small income of my own through investments, and also a little through occasional freelance work, but I still keep my savings, and my car, and I stay current in my field so I can step it up if I need to. It might take some time to get back full time, but I have enough saved to get into proper housing and support us during that time.

Danielle made a good point about it keeping them on their toes. If they know you are "trapped" so to speak, they have no reason to make extra effort to "keep" you or to make you happy enough to stay with them. Yes, they should put forth the effort just because they love us, but the ultimate goal is to make us stay BECAUSE they love us--there are 2 ways to make us stay: Trap us, or make us want to stay.

Bonnie - posted on 02/04/2011

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If you are staying in an unhappy relationship than chances are you are not happy and then the kids won't be happy. I find that it's not only that women are afraid they cannot do it alone, but they stay for the sake of the children. When perhaps if there were no arguing and fighting that would make the children more happy than being in a relationship just for the sake of it.

[deleted account]

I think men and women in general need to actually make a real go of it and stick to it. Unless you are being abused you picked each other for a reason and you signed as well as said vows saying that you would be with each forever. Most people today don't take that as seriously as they should even 50 yrs ago divorce was frowned upon. Am I divorced? Yes, my ex was abusive and I got out. However, through all the ups and downs my husband and I have had and do have now I seldom think I will ever truly leave him. Not because I don't love him, which I do, not because he can be a real ass sometimes, he can and is. It is because I made a vow to him, to myself and on paper that this was the man I truly saw and see myself with when I am 50, 60, 80 and even 100 if we make it that long. If you can live with your husband just because you can't make it on your own then obviously there is something there that makes it possible for you both to live in the same house without abuse. Maybe a counselor should be called and both of you going to it every month, week, or even every other day.
IHMO good luck and god bless

[deleted account]

If i had to i would leave. I am not afraid to leave his arse if things went south. I can't afford it but hell whats the point of staying in a bad situation? I think though that living in Aus makes that easier because i could get government assitance right away if needed and it's enough to live off.just.

Brandi - posted on 02/04/2011

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@Danielle Yes, I am proud of myself. People were kind of mad at me on the stay at home mom question, but this is my main reasoning, I never wanna be caught off guard. I want to be prepared for anything. But, I feel that when my kids look back when they are old enough to understand, they will appreciate me, and will look up to me for doing it on my own. No, IHOP was not the kind of job I wanted, but who cares, it paid the bills, right?

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[deleted account]

You asked me if I was happy in that other post...and I responded with a not soo much right now :( I am kinda on the same boat w/Deanna though... I don't by any means hate my husband, I love him and he I. We've been together 14 years, half of our lives. I know the circumstances to our lulls and just because we're fighting paying our bills and are working out the kinks to our additions doesn't mean that I'm gonna step out. If I was gonna step out I wouldn't have had #2 a year ago :) Honestly, I've considered it, I have back up plans, no back up savings...but there are avenues I could take to leave my husband. Like I said in the other post, its a work in progress!!! There are some aspects of our relationship that are doing great, its just the pressure/stress of our finances and having young children that are putting strains on us...his back & forth work situation is causing inconsistancies in his help around the house, little things that irritate me cuz i'm getting over being sick and the kids trashed the house and he actually worked a FT week this week...but I'm not gonna leave my husband cuz things are getting tight :/ I just finished my AA and I have a year before my BA degree starts and he's gonna go back to school this year... We have common goals its just the process that kinda sucks right now! We're working on it...

On that note, if you are being abused or have fallen out of love then I don't think you should stay in an unhappy relationship. But thats not where i'm at so I plug through ;)

Lady Heather - posted on 02/04/2011

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I think it's a terrible reason to stay mainly because the kids always know what's going on. I guess it's fine for you if you want to be in a miserable relationship (well, not fine but it is your choice), but it's not fair for the kids.

I know I would have a really hard time getting a decent job right now if my husband and I split up. I don't have some secret hideaway account somewhere because I paid for our house downpayment. But my name's on the house and you can bet that it would be sold and I'd get my money back. I don't think this will ever come up, but my husband is well aware that I come from a family full of lawyers. Ha.

Meghan - posted on 02/04/2011

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Nope, otherwise I would still be with my asshole of an ex. Has it been easy? Nope. Did I have to swallow a lot of pride? Sure did! But seeing how much me and my son have grown as people has made it that much easier to pull through! Money doesn't matter, but being strong and confident people does imo.

Brandi - posted on 02/04/2011

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It took me 3 years to come up with the money for a divorce! He didn't pay any part of it, it sucked but I did it. When those papers were signed a black cloud was lifted that day!

Danielle - posted on 02/04/2011

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@ Kelly~ I was very straight forward with him when he finally talked me into coming back home. I told him that it wasn't fair how my kids and I were treated and I'd NEVER be that naive again. He completely understood and it also keeps him on his toes cuz he knows I'll walk if I have to lol

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/04/2011

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It is also becouse divorces are so damn expensive some women just stay. My sister is in this kind of situation right now. She is working full time...he works on movie sets (building them) but he is laid off right now....he makes great money...but they can not afford to seperate...too much to have 2 house payments...it is a terrible situation that I help her through almost daily. It is hard on everyone, including the kids. Hopefully he will be able to move out when he gets his next movie to work on.

Danielle - posted on 02/04/2011

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I'm a stay at home mom now but not b/c I want to be. Right after we got back together my husband was laid off due to the economy and he found a job in another state so I resigned my job which was at a nursing home. We wound up staying b/c it fell through and only had one vehicle again so we are just now getting straightend back out b/c he just got his job back two mnths ago so as soon as my youngest starts to school next year I go back. I can't wait!! Since I was making my own money then I don't like the fact that he makes the money. It's kind of a pride thing lol I miss that feeling of accomplishment.

[deleted account]

See, that is a great start! Living arrangements are usually the biggest obstacle, and you've already got that covered. Next tell her where she can file for assistance with food. When she applies for that, they will give her information about other programs she will qualify for.

Brandi - posted on 02/04/2011

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Yes, she could stay with me and she could get a night shift job. She could watch my children after school and in return I would watch hers at night so she could work. I have no problem with that. I wish she would do it.

[deleted account]

That is awesome, Danielle! It sucks that you had to have that awful experience, but it speaks volumes about your character that you not only learned from it, but had the courage to take action and prepare. A lot of women end up in this situation because they are not brave enough to tell their SO that they are going to keep savings aside in case they spit. No one wants to talk about that, and no one wants to tell their husbands they are not 100% sure they'll be together forever, but it must be done, so props to you for doing it!

[deleted account]

I don't know....most women can scrape together $5k & a car when they are single and childless, it's just that most women choose not to, then get into controlling relationships that do not allow them to do so, or maybe they are choosing to be involved in such relationships before they could every have the opportunity to earn money, but it's all their choice.....unless it's an arranged marriage.

Of course, hind sight is 20/20 and there is no point in dwelling on what she didn't do before, but I always mention that in the hopes that more women will take the initiative and not jump into serious relationships or parenthood before they are financially prepared should they need an escape. At the beginning, we all think the man is perfect, but no one can see the future.

Help your friend draw out a financial plan of action on paper. Map out the actions she needs to take and in what order, so that it is broken down into smaller tasks that are less overwhelming. Help her research charities that provide food and clothing until she can get assistance set up. Obviously, things will be rough until she gets on her feet, but it's not impossible.

Danielle - posted on 02/04/2011

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@ Brandi~ I'm not sure about you but during the time that this was going on I became more independent and I can't tell you how good I felt about myself knowing that I did it.
@ Kelly~ I agree 100%. When my husband and I split up we only had one car and I had to depend on him to come by on Sundays so I could go get groceries. He finally got him a truck and gave me the car. I had to survive off of $100 a week and that included groceries and diapers till I found a job. Even though we worked it out and are back together I will never be caught unaware again. My car is in my name and I have money saved up for a "rainy day" If you're gonna do it make sure you're prepared or its gonna be VERY hard.

Brandi - posted on 02/04/2011

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I agree with you on that Kelly. But, a lot of women don't have that kind of money to put back. And yes, they should sue for child support, but if they are anything like my ex husband it will be years before you ever see a dime. Men like him quit their job so that their wages can't be garnished, and they work "under the table." JERKS!

Jenn - posted on 02/04/2011

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There is always help out there so that you CAN afford to do it. You just have to finally grow the balls to leave the situation. I know, because I've been there. I never once thought I couldn't afford to do it on my own, but I was scared to leave. I was working and had to start receiving some assistance, but my son and I managed. There are lots of ways to cut back and go without extras and still have a happy life.

[deleted account]

No, I don't think that is a valid reason to stay with someone. I don't know about most countries, but in the US anyone can leave pretty much anytime and make it on their own. We have programs that pay for food, housing, utilities, child care, healthcare, and even provide cash for other needs like clothing and furniture. There are also thousands of charities to help women in those situations out.

That said, I don't think a woman should ever put herself in a situation where she would not be able to leave her husband should they need to. Before a woman goes into a marriage/relationship, she needs to put aside a small amount of savings--she won't need much, about $5-10k would do it--and NEVER touch it other than to make additional deposits if she chooses to do so. If she is in a place where public transport is not feasible, she should also OWN a car, that means already paid for, not leased, not on loan, but completely hers. If she has a few thousand dollars and a car to get her started, she can rely on gov. assistance until she can get a job that supports her and her children without her husband's assistance (but she should still sue for child support).

Brandi - posted on 02/04/2011

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I hear you Danielle. I worked nights at IHOP of all places. I worked from 5pm to midnight Monday, Tuesday. And on Friday and Saturday nights I worked 9pm to 4am (that was tough when your kids wake up at 8am) and Sunday from 6pm to Midnight. It was hard, but I paid someone I trusted to watch my children. We made it, with no help from anyone.

I feel that I am in a better place now that that marriage is over. I was depressed and I felt brought down by him, and I wasn't allowed friends, and so on. We fought all the time. I would rather my kids see me in a healthy, loving relationship rather than be with their dad and be miserable all the time.

Danielle - posted on 02/04/2011

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If you're not happy in a relationship there is NO reason to stay. I know it looks like this huge mountain to climb and yes it's a very hard road but it's possible. I say this from experience. My husband left me for about 6 mnths b/c we were fighting all the time. All of the sudden I went from a SAHM to a single mom who needed to find a job and find one fast. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done but I proud to say I did it. I hated it b/c I worked nights and hardly ever got to see my kids but we survived. Not only did they have what they needed I was also able to provide them with things they wanted also. It's something you have to put your mind to and not give up. Not to mention here in Alabama DHR is more than willing to help a mom that wants to help herself. I never went through them b/c I wanted to know I could do it on my own and my husband did provide a check every week, but I do have friends that have. They send you to a trade school and find you a job and start child support if the father won't help you.

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