Does a stay at home mom need her own vehicle?

Becky - posted on 02/01/2011 ( 195 moms have responded )

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I saw this conversation over on the SAHM forum. A SAHM was talking about how her husband won't buy a second vehicle because he doesn't feel a SAHM needs to have one.
What do you think? If you are a SAHM, do you have your own vehicle? Do you feel it's necessary for you? If you don't, how do you manage?

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Joanna - posted on 02/01/2011

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Just because I'm a stay at home mom doesn't mean I stay home. I feel like being home 24/7 won't allow your child to grow. You can only walk to the park so many times before you go crazy.

[deleted account]

"I think it depends on where you live. If you are a SAHM and you do have a car, I think you should only drive it when NECESSARY, as you are not contributing to the bills, and so I feel a full tank of gas should last you almost a month... (depending on how far you live from certain things.) It definitely shouldn't be used for pleasure purposes, not at least until you have your own money to put into gas."

HAHAHA! I am laughing my cute little sahm ass off at the ignorance of this post! Not attacking the poster, but the logic in this post is hilariously flawed to me.

My husband and I both have defined, equal jobs in our family, and we make EQUAL contributions. His job in our family is to pay for stuff and care for our son. My job in our family, is to take care of the stuff he pays for, and to teach and care for our son. I know it's difficult to understand, but money isn't all that matters......in fact, it's pretty far down there on the value scale.

First off, sahm mom's DO contribute to the bills--When I worked, we paid $1200/month for our nanny, $300+ for housekeeping, spent a fortune on prepared meals, $60+ on dry cleaning, and we paid a landscaper, so you could say, by doing all the extra stuff we pay for when I work, I earn about $1800/month. Of course I made more than that working, but we we decided it was better for our son to be raised and taught by me rather than his nanny and that I was being spread too thin trying to work and parent, so the work was cut out because, well, our kid was more important than my job, and I felt like I could do most of the medial work we were paying the nanny and housekeep for in order to pay for my extra time with our son.

Second, sahm's contribute a lot to the family that is far more important than a few thousand dollars each month. Ask yourself, "What is so important to you that you are willing to sacrifice time with your child in order to pay for it?" If it's food, shelter, and such, well then you have no choice, but in most cases, it's higher end clothes, expensive cars, bigger homes, and a bunch of crap you don't really NEED. So what's more important? Time with the kid, or the big ass house with the Mercedes parked out front?

As for the financial security aspect, most sahm's ARE prepared in the case that their husbands are no longer able to work, die, or leave them, and I can't stand comments, like your later one, that imply that they are not prepared or are to naive to see the possibility of lost financial security.

Krista - posted on 02/01/2011

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I think if you live in an urban core, where basically NOBODY needs a vehicle (and where public transport is plentiful) then you can probably manage halfway decently without a second car.

But unless most everything you need is in walking distance, then yes, a SAHM does need access to a vehicle -- even if they just arrange it so that they share the one vehicle (she drives her husband to work 3 mornings a week so that she can have the car all day, for example.) I live in a rural area, and NOTHING is within walking distance (unless I wanted to go hang out with the deer or something), so if I hadn't had a car, I would have been utterly housebound...and would have probably gone quite mad.

Jodi - posted on 02/04/2011

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Rebecca, you are right about location and the necessity. It really is dependent on the person. My brother lives in a big city, and they used to work close to where they lived, so they never needed a car. They just rented one whenever they needed to go out of town. But where we live, with 2 businesses to run, and a limited transport system (namely, no buses to where my husband works anyway), it doesn't work.

So basically, there IS no right or wrong answer to the questions as to whether a SAHM needs a car - some do, some don't.

Tia Melissa - posted on 02/03/2011

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@Brandi:
"I have always wondered how people say it is Our money, if you are not working. I am not trying to be rude, please don't take offense, but if you are not working, how is it labled as OUR money? I work and my husband works we put our money together then it is OUR money. "

Communal property state, my dear. Communal property state! If one of us earns it during the marriage, we both own it. By pooling our resources and divvying up the responsibilities, we have OUR money and his/her roles as we've decided is the best use of our time and talents.

The idea is: When you get married, each person brings skills, resources, talents, etc to the marriage. You decide what best uses those and then determine each person's roles and responsibilities until such time as that no longer works for the benefit of your family.

I could (and certainly have) work outside of the home and have my husband stay with the kids but how does that make sense when he has a degree higher than I and can make 2x what I can? We could both work but the cost of daycare in this area alone would eat through one and a half paychecks. Do I want a daycare or another person raising my kids if I don't absolutely have to do it? Also consider that breast feeding would be difficult for him and the gyrations we would have to go through not to use formula if we didn't absolutely have to, for both of us to work, well, it just makes more sense - financially, emotionally, time wise - for me to stay home and care for our young family than it does for him - or for both of us to work out of the home. If my husband had to pay for the individual jobs I do inside this house - child care provider, chef, personal shopper, laundry services, house cleaning, chauffeur, grocery delivery, financial services, etc. - well, he couldn't afford not to have me. It's logical especially if you have children in your marriage.

Now, if you don't have children or only one to provide child care services for, well, I can see how it would be his money and her money. If you take the his/hers world view, how do you calculate the house payments? Grocery bills? Doctors fees? Child care costs, assuming you have kids? On a flat half? A percent based on how much each person makes? A contribution to a central account? Allowances?

Honestly, I don't see how you can have the world view that you do. That if you don't provide financially, you're not actually contributing, I find to be very denigrating to your intrinsic value as a person. You aren't just what you bring in on a payroll. You have value that cannot be measured by money alone.

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Amanda - posted on 11/29/2011

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Glad this got bumped. My family is getting a second car in the next few weeks. Thank god. I am so sick of begging for the van to get food, or take kids to school on cold days. My husband is a fool and believes his wife picking him up after work makes him feel like less of a man which is just silly. His co workers love it when I stop buy and say hello. Stupid men LOL. But I sure will be glad to have my own car I can use or not use whenever i want!

[deleted account]

I walked and my kids walked, well one was in a buggy.My oldest loved it, i got looks and comments from other sahms who drove tho.My daughters loved the little games we played like eye spy on the way to school.Not to mention i toned up great with all the exercise.I didn't need a car and i don't think some mothers do.Its up to the mother i guess.I didn't care about what other nosey moms thought either.

Sylvia - posted on 11/29/2011

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Sherri, Celeste, believe me, I understand how lucky I am to live where I do! (Although it's been pouring rain all day, we're expecting 30mm (!) by the end of today, which makes me appreciate my place of residence a lot less :P) I was talking to a guy at a conference a couple of weeks ago who lives in Pennsylvania somewhere and drives 60 miles each way to work every day. Almost 100km. I don't think I could cope with a 100-km commute during which I couldn't even read. Or knit. Or use my laptop. And yet people (who don't live here) are always asking me how I can stand not being able to drive. It takes all kinds ...

Becky - posted on 11/28/2011

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I was reading through this thread and came across this post from Heather L. on Feb. 7th, " I just want to go to the gym and drown my TTC sorrows in exercise...' Made me giggle a bit! Not because of your TTC sorrows, but because you must've been pregant at the time and not realized it yet! :)

I can't imagine not having a vehicle right now! Between having gestational diabetes (yuck!) and back problems this pregnancy, I am at the office of some sort of medical professional at least once a week, if not more. And nothing is walking distance from our house here, nor is transit particularly convenient. If I had to drag my 2 boys on 2-3 buses to get to appointments that are a 15 minute- at most- drive away a few times a week, I would lose my mind! Especially now that the temperature is generally below 0! Plus, my husband drives a pick-up and I am the world's worst parker, so I refuse to drive it! I need my own vehicle that I can bang up when I"m parking! Haha! (I don't really bang it up! But I really am a horrible parker!)

Vicki - posted on 11/28/2011

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Just read back a few pages to the talk about ambulances. I'm an ambulance dispatcher and not much annoys me more than people using ambulances as taxis! Yes if you are in a life threatening situation call, but people do ring for stuff that needs medical attention (such as an ongoing illness, nasty cold, fever, swollen ankle, early normal labour, cut finger, I could go on) but is not an emergency. Some people think because they are either covered by HI or on the pension then they are entitled to free rides whenever they want. They kind of are (we have to send one if asked) but when you're dispatching and run out of crews for real emergencies because some people have called for stupid stuff it's very frustrating.

Vicki - posted on 11/28/2011

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We have one car, who has it depends on the day. We have a bus stop outside our house which connects to the train station, this is how my partner gets to work most days and I have the car for playgroups, shopping, etc. On days that I work I get a ride from a workmate and my partner uses the car to take our boy to my Mum's then goes to his work. The workmate lives in the next town and drives rights past our door so it's not effort for him. When I nightshift I have the car (my work isn't easy to get to on pt).

I could do without a car at home. I could join the local playgroup instead of the specialist (Steiner) one we drive to. I could buy most things we need from the local store (short walk) and save other things to buy on the weekend. We could use public transport to visit friends, I sometimes do this anyway as my little man thinks it's a great adventure! I could also work at making more friends within walking distance rather than driving to my friends further away. I don't think I'm ready to make all these changes though!

Celeste - posted on 11/28/2011

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I have never been in a cab LOL Same here, Sherri, about no cabs, and no public transportation here. The nearest is 3 cities over.

Uggh, just sucks that we are down to 1 car again..My van is in the shop and we can't afford to get his car fixed. In fact, my husband is staying at my mother's house since it's closer to his work. This is night #2 that he's been gone.

Blah.

Sylvia - posted on 11/28/2011

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@Carol, that's why at our house we have a cab company on speed dial ;) Once DH hurt himself, I had to take him to Emerg, I called Beck Taxi and the cab was there before I even got him into the elevator to go downstairs! (Yes, I'm a city girl...)

Carol - posted on 11/28/2011

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I do, what if something happeneds and you have to go to the hospital and hubby isn't home, he works out of state or far from home. You will need a car to transport yourself and another child just so you can get home. We have one vehicle, however my husband has a company truck so i have our truck at home, so if i need to go shopping/ hospital/ church i can without any problems. My husband works away from home for long lenghts of time. If i didn't have a truck it would be hard.

Caitlin - posted on 11/28/2011

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We have one car. My husband takes it to work, but since he is now the manager of his station, his hours are more flexible and if one of the kids has an appointment, he'll make sure he is home in time for me to get them there (or come with). Since my kids are all still preschool aged, I have no real activities to take them to (my oldest just turned 3). I could see it being handy having a second one depending on where you live. Out here, 1 car families are rare because public transit is almost unheard of (like a bus once an hour? and costs like 5$ a trip!) If wewc were in the city, the hubby would probably take public transit to work, but we're not. I can walk to the park from here, so it's not big deal really.

Stifler's - posted on 11/27/2011

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We have 2 cars. my husband has a work car aswell. We should get rid of one but meh.

Frances - posted on 11/27/2011

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I think a second vehicle is necessary because they need a back-up in case the other vehicle is in the shop. Also, it is convenient for her to go to the store, doctor, dentist, etc while he is at work.

Sylvia - posted on 11/27/2011

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I would say the real question is, if there's only one vehicle why should the WOH parent be the one to "need" it? When I was a kid, 2-car families were extremely unusual, but the SAHMs all drove. Why? Because the dads got to work some other way. Bus. Carpool. Shank's mare. My dad rode his bike to campus (even in the middle of winter -- my dad was a bit of a nutbar). Or mom dropped dad off in the morning and picked him up in the afternoon. It was understood that if anyone needed a vehicle, it was the parent responsible for grocery shopping, piano lessons, doctor and dentist appointments, emergency school pickups of sick or injured offspring, transportation of equipment to hockey practice/band or orchetra practice/the Science Fair/etc., and a bazillion miscellaneous errands. Not the parent who made one trip from home to office in the morning and a second trip from office to home in the afternoon.

Other than that I can't opine, since (a) I'm not a SAHM and (b) my family doesn't even have one car, let alone two ;)

Celeste - posted on 11/27/2011

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For me? YES!! It's funny that this was bumped up. We used to have two vehicles. Our cars broke down within days of each other. We're getting one fixed but can't afford to get the other one fixed. So, down to one car.

It was nice because I could take my kids to the doctor if needed, pick up prescriptions, go to the store if needed, just different errands.

My husband works an hour away, and doesn't get home til 6, so many times, waiting til he got home from work wasn't an option. Plus, we live about 30 min from a bus/train station.

We plan on selling his car, and using that money and the money we get from our tax return to get another car. But, we'll deal.. It blows but we'll survive.

Hope - posted on 11/27/2011

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Yes I think it is very important for a SAHM to have a car. With my first baby I didn't have a license and it was so difficult and stressful, I don't how I did it. If i wanted to go any I had to lug a pram, baby and nappy bag onto the bus with no help from anyone. Planning your day around a bus schedule is not easy and make the day long.

Katherine - posted on 11/27/2011

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Yes, they should have a car. I am a SAHM and my hubby bought me a vehicle a long long time ago because I have the kids with me 99 % of the time considering he works crazy hours.

Charleen - posted on 11/27/2011

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I had been a stay at home mom with and without a vehicle. It was take hubby to work then I have the car or wait till he comes home to use it and be out late with the kids. Now I look back at it and I should have walked to the park or something with the stroller because I would not be the weight I am now. Then now I have my own vehicle (currently in need of repair) but now I am walking because besides the grocery store I have everything within walking distance. But if the kids need to go to the er a broken limb god forbid that ever happening but one time my daughter had crushed her foot or that is what it seemed at the time it was a broken toe but her foot was so blue we didnt know without a second car we would have been in a bad place waiting for an ambulence for 30 minutes or more to get to me so I think 2 cars even if it is a beater car you can go to a place called picknpull.com and see if you have someplace near you in your city and you can buy cars there for just a couple thousand owned outright and usually there is minor work if any needed to buy a car

Lori - posted on 06/13/2011

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I normally have my own vehicle. My husband is in the Army and we sold our extra vehicle during his last deployment to pay for our adoption. We're planning to buy him a vehicle at the end of the month. I definitely NEED a vehicle of my own because we have special needs children who have many appointments and at least 3 days a week they are outside the home. It's hard, the days when we don't have appointments and my husband takes the van- if we run out of milk or something, I can't just run to get it. My biggest fear is that one of the kids could get hurt. Yes, I can call for an ambulance, but if my husband didn't make it back home before the ambulance left, my child would have to go alone to the hospital because I can't leave the other three by themselves to go. Maybe a silly fear, but it is something that concerns me, especially as I have two with autism that don't do well with strangers or unfamiliar circumstances.

Lori

Jessica - posted on 04/06/2011

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I'm a SAHM and we have 2 cars, but I say yes. My main reasoning is, what if one of them gets sick or hurt and I need to take them to the hospital? And also, because I go batshit crazy if I have to stay in the house! We were down to one car for a while because I was letting my sister borrow mine, and I even drove DH to and from work just so I could have it during the day.

Krista - posted on 04/06/2011

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@Kimberly: I would start gnawing on the furniture. Seriously. I had my own car when I was on maternity leave, but even then, because of our reduced income, agreed to not drive it any more than I absolutely had to. And even THAT restriction drove me a little insane, particularly as I don't live within walking distance of any conveniences.

Kimberly - posted on 04/06/2011

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i dont have a vehicle and i dont know how i manage but i do being inside and only going out when my husband takes me before he goes to work i know this summer i am going to have him drop me off at my moms house and pick me up on his way back home but until then i have been locked in the house for the past 7 months its not easy

Ann - posted on 03/02/2011

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I stayed home for 6 months after my first son was born, and my car was a lifesaver. I am definatly not the type to not have other adult conversations and having a car meant I was able to go to mommy & me groups, the library, grocery shopping, bring my son to doctor appointments, etc without having to get rides from family and friends. Of course, the fact that my husband works in construction and cannot leave the car at home for me may have been part of the problem!

Cyndel - posted on 02/08/2011

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It depends on the situation. I don't need one, though it would definately be wonderfully convenient if I had one, though I wouldn't be able to do any more driving around then I do now with only one vehicle because of gas. But the assurance of a quick trip to the doc with out waiting for DH to get home from school would be nice.
Another mother however might need one.
I don't know the SAHM situation but if her husband refused to get the car because he wanted a plasma tv or a boat etc then I think it is rediculous. But if they had to choose between a second car and rent or health insurance then I don't think it is unreasonable to say no, at least for now. He should make an effort to be able to get her a car in the future.

Noreen - posted on 02/07/2011

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I am a SAHM and it is a HUGE necessity to be able to have a vehicle to drive. Yes, my job title says stay-at-home. However, we are hardly EVER home. Mon-Fri are pretty booked up with activities, playdates, and appointments. Mondays I walk my oldest to school, come home, clean from top-bottom and do laundry. Pick him up, come home long enough for him and my 2nd son to change into their karate uniforms and nurse my 16mo old. Then Karate at 330 for Noah, and then from 4-5 for Kaleb. Tuesdays we venture out in the early morning to either the museums, zoo, or other fun stuff at Balboa Park. Wednesdays the same or shopping for things we need around the house (just not the same thing we did on tuesday) Thursdays is story-time at barnes and noble and then karate in the evenings. Fridays is another stay at home day to clean and get things done around the house and if we have time, maybe a lunch date with a friend.

If we only had 1 car, my husband would have to carpool to work or I'd take him myself.

Tara - posted on 02/07/2011

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where we live we simply could not do without two vehicles, right now my van is down (seats 8) so we are down to Steve's truck (seats 3) which is making my life miserable. But at least we can walk to skating, library and other programs.
Btw.
Ambulance rides here are a standard $75 regardless of where you are going.
Health Canada pays the rest I imagine... don't know.. I just know that it's been $75 for me the last 3 times we needed one in the last 8 years or so.

Lady Heather - posted on 02/07/2011

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Well, I am having a need a car day. There's a foot of snow on the ground. Even my skookum stroller won't go through. I just want to go to the gym and drown my TTC sorrows in exercise. Bleh. It'd be 10 minutes if I could use the car that sits in the driveway mocking me.

Are people still fighting about this? I guess I'll see the rest of the discussion after I post. Ha.

Cat - posted on 02/07/2011

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I think it depends on where you live and how active you and your kids are. Some people live where everything is close and can walk or take a bus. For me, I need a car because I do the shopping, and take the kids to their dance and karate classes which are both at least a half hour drive. I think it's always better to have a second vehicle because you never know what could happen to the first one - a break down, fender bender accident or it could get stolen. While insurance takes forever to get the money to you, you could have a second car to fall back on.

Bonnie - posted on 02/07/2011

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I had an accident here at home a couple of months ago and I went by ambulance to the hospital just to get checked out and to get a tetnus shot and I got charges $45.

Jess - posted on 02/06/2011

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I like that you pay it without realsing it. And I love that it doesn't change even if you have 10 people living in the house. Its the one insurance policy you can count on and has no exclusions !!!

Stifler's - posted on 02/06/2011

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Yeah it is $109 a year but since I don't get sent a bill for that I don't mind.

Stifler's - posted on 02/06/2011

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Oh now I remember. It used to be $5. Then they put it on the energy bill and people started calling ambulances for papercuts and all sorts. I don't get anything from Centrelink I just don't check the bill hahaha. I thought it was only $5 I don't think they itemise it on the bill here.

Jess - posted on 02/06/2011

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Emma, I want to join your electric company. I just checked our bill and I'm pretty the fee is set by government, its 29c per day which adds up to about $108 a year. Perhaps you get a discounted rate through centrelink? I know ours is free, but it still shows you on the bill how much it would have been.

Its a great theory, forcing everyone to have ambulance insurance. Pitty there is no Fire Fighters insurance.... you call them out and you get billed per truck that attends. And they are expensive !!! Best hope your home insurance picks up that bill !

In the past 12 months have called the ambulance out 4 times ! Twice for my daughter once when she stopped breathing and once when she was choking, once for John when he passed out and once for me when I had internal bleeding. They carry some pretty awesome pain killers ! That would have been worth any bill had we not had insurance.

Sal - posted on 02/06/2011

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emma, you are a lucky cane toad, here in nsw we aren't covered automatically, but it is only 80 a year a family to get covered, and in the past 2 years we have used the ambulance at twice that we would of had to pay for (hospital transfers are free) and we were billed over $1400 for them so we are mighty glad me pay for the cover

Veronica - posted on 02/05/2011

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I am a stay at home mom - my husband's truck is broke down, so he is using my truck for the time being -- and i hate it with a passion right now. I feel trapped without a vehicle, I want to be able to come and go as I please, and this just doesnt fly with me. I dont have access to walk everywhere i need to go either - so a vehicle is necessary. The only thing that has changed in the time being, is I simply make appts/plans when my husband is home - and grocery shop too.
When we first started out, we only had one vehicle - and I didnt have a phone -- it was the most miserable time of my life - and so therefore - i will advocate for any woman who is SAH - to get a vehicle because, to me, it was torture - no where to go, no one to talk to; even with a phone later - it still sucked. My feeling is - you can adapt as much as you like - i think you should have a vehicle.

Stifler's - posted on 02/05/2011

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I live in Australia. We pay $5 a year on our electricity bill and there's no charge when you call an ambulance or go to a public hospital.

Kim - posted on 02/05/2011

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How am I going to get my son to school for Band and tutoring 4 days a week? My youngest to and from Preschool, my son and older daughter to and from after school activities and CCD? Everyone to Dr or Dentist appts? Grocery shopping? My husband can not come home or be home for all of these things. I had my own car before we got married. We don't live in an area with buses or trains. My Mother had a car off and on but we had buses we could take everywhere and we could walk to the school. But where I live I NEED a car and I'm an equal partner in this marriage why shouldn't I have my own car? She should say fine and get a job somewhere. He can pay for childcare and deal with her not being home to make a nice dinner and clean the house, maybe take care of the kids at night, he can do some of it!!

Brandi - posted on 02/05/2011

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@ Erin... I am sorry to hear that, believe me, I have been there before. If you make it through it, you are much stronger than me. I divorced my ex because we both worked, but only I was the only one paying any bills, he was out blowing all of his money on cars. So when we got an eviction letter on an apartment we had, I lost it because he was supposed to had paid it. I ended up paying it, and that was that. He didn't care that our 2 children would have been homeless! That is what got me. So, I don't have a problem with SAHM I just wanna be prepared for anything because the things I thought I would never have to worry about have happened, so I hope for the best but expect the worst to happen these days.

Johnny - posted on 02/05/2011

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Yikes! Our charge is $80, but if you can prove that it's a burden, you don't have to pay. Our private insurance pays us back 80% of that cost. So basically it's $16 which is about the cost of a cab, depending on which hospital we had to go to.

[deleted account]

Ambulance are free?! Back in November I got violently ill at work with severe stabbing chest pains and could not breathe. (Thankfully not in front of students). I managed to call the school nurse who promptly called 911. The ambulance got me to the hospital 3 1/2 miles down the road. The insurance company is disputing the $1331.00 bill for this ambulance ride! I have excellent health insurance, but I could only wish this was free! I've been fighting it, and will now always be leary of calling for an ambulance. I am still have health issues but I'd rather drive myself.

Rosie - posted on 02/05/2011

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yeah for my husbands ambulance ride after his car accident was over $600. chad said if he would''ve known that he would've drug himself there, broken legs and all, lol.

[deleted account]

That would be nice....a cab to the local urgent care center here is about $25, an ambulance ride the same distance is $385. The sad thing is, it is less than 5 miles away...
The cab is expensive because they don't usually run out here, but there really is no excuse for the ambulance cost.

Stifler's - posted on 02/05/2011

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Ambulances are free here, but sometimes it's just not worth calling an ambulance because you'd be last priority to car accidents and heart attacks.

Johnny - posted on 02/04/2011

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I figured out that the cost of calling an ambulance to take my daughter to the hospital is about the same as calling a cab. Safety is a good reason for a car, especially if you live somewhere without taxis and with an ambulance barn some distance away.

Bonnie - posted on 02/04/2011

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One example...today I spent nearly 6 hours with my boys at the COPC (Children's Out Patient Centre) at the hospital here because my younger son has had a high fever for the past 2 days and a couple of other symptoms. It is roughly a 30 minute drive from my house. If I didn't have my own vehicle I likely wouldn't have been able to take him. Unless I called a taxi, which would have been costly.

Mrs. - posted on 02/04/2011

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No I don't have one, neither does my fiance. We live in a big city, in the city centre and pay more for rent because we are right next to the subway. We don't need a car generally. My fiance works in the neighbourhood, which saves cost and if we need to drive anywhere that the transit doesn't go to, we use a car share program.

So, no I don't think you need a car as a SAHM. You do need the ability to travel but this, in bigger cities, does not mean you have to rely on a ride.

Jodi - posted on 02/04/2011

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Well, we are lucky. We have 3 cars, so if one breaks down, I still have one at home. But realistically, I have a business I run from home, so I NEED a car to get my parcels to the post office. I also drop off and pick up at school, need a car to get to the markets, kid's activities/sports, etc. The times when we have only had one car (it has happened), I have dropped my hubby at work and taken the car home, then either I pick him up, or he gets a lift with someone else. I am generally the one who needs a car more.

Sal - posted on 02/04/2011

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for my girls to go to preschool (their curent school) for 6 hrs a days is $50 a day, (only1 goes i day a week) so would be $300 a week, and i would lose about 200 a week from family support so thats about 2 grand a month i would outlay and lose just to work and give someone else the joy of looking after my kids and my hubby's tax would change and cost more too, and hell i did have kids for someone else to look after them. I have been a working mum when i was single and i don;t plan to do it again full time, i don't think it is the best way to do things, something has to go in that situation i did spend more on take away, i did spend more trying to make up for missing things that were important to my son, when my son at the tender age of 8 told me that "he'd rather be poor than have no mum" it really puts it into perspective. also my brother and sil work and make real money (i'm guessing they'd be around half a mil a year) they take their kids over seas every year, they do anything the kids want, and all my neice wants is to have breakfast at home with her family. and if i want to go for a drive just beause its fun then i will,

[deleted account]

Brandi, no I am not entirely happy in my situation at the moment. It is not necessarily ALL about my husband...finances are tight, I'm avoiding paying bills I never thought I would be at that point...brings me back to my parents when I was growing up and I hate it! My husband has his ups and downs, and those days were DOWNS! He isn't THAT bad anymore, but he will throw comments out there that lead me to believe he still feels that way at times... I am working at being more positive and blah blah blah, but I have certain resentments towards ways he has disrespected me since we've had kids and when I go back there for conversations sake, or to make a point, I am often brought right back to how I felt and that is probably what you are sensing... and yes I do resent that I don't have more clothes and have replaced his wardrobe a few times over...I ♥ equality and I don't see it in my relationship and around the house, Work in progress, work in progress...I'm working on it, just seems his priorities here are less then I'd desire!

Johnny - posted on 02/04/2011

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I was discussing this thread with my husband last night. As I said in my previous post, I'm working half time right now and my parents look after my daughter. When they travel, my husband uses his vacation time and looks after her while I work. He LOVES it and I think if we won the lottery, he'd want to have more kids to stay home with.



In the fall, I'm going back to work and my daughter will be starting a full-time daycare/preschool. I'll be driving her and picking her up on the way to work, and my hubby will be taking the bus. Now, the housework is split about 65/35 because I am home more. When I return to work full-time, it will be 50/50.



I view it as my responsibility to keep the house clean, groceries in the fridge, clothes at the ready, etc. But I do expect help from him, since I am not a full-time SAHM. That's been the deal from day one. When we were single and both working, we always split things 50/50 and pooled our money for whatever we need.



We respect each other enough not to go around spending willy nilly on frivolous crap, but also to accept that we each have the right to fun and freedom once in a while. We talk to each other about the extras we want to buy. Last night I mentioned I wanted a new lingerie set and he was obviously keen. Last weekend he wanted a new shelving thing for his shop, and I could see the benefit. When he wanted a big screen tv for our bedroom, I said no way, and when I wanted a fancy new duvet set for the bed, he said no. We agreed, too much money and we don't really need it. Respect. No hard feelings.



So I asked him about what he thought about the value of SAHM as workers. He listed off this laundry list of people you would have to hire to do the tasks of a SAHM if you were a full-time working dad who didn't want to be bothered with house care. We figured that in our area, to hire all those people and pay for extra services would cost around $2600/month. Yikes!



2 kids = $1600/month daycare

house cleaner = $400/month

personal shopper/grocery delivery/laundry service= $100/month

Gardener weekly (summer only but..) = $200/month

Eating out + takeout meals = extra $300/month



That's a pretty fair wage I'd say.



If you have an equitable relationship it doesn't have to mean that both people do the same thing. It just means that both people are contributing equal value to the family unit. A woman who can afford to stay-at-home and does all the work that is included in that has every right to access a vehicle if the family can afford one and every right to spend her money how she sees fit. In a mature, respectful relationship, it shouldn't be an issue.

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