Don't know which way to turn??? Suggestions.

Desiree - posted on 05/30/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have no idea which way to turn any more if I do one thing I sacrifice my family and if I do the other I sacrifice my childrens future as well as myself!!

Let me put you into the light here. As a good many of you know I live in South Africa, born and bred. I am not going to get into the polical intricasies as all it does is make me nuts and its a quagmire of wwho has done what to whom. but I will bring up the Education System which is an absolute joke. If you can't afford to put your children into a private school you are stuffed 6 way to the wind. Anyway here is the problem... My daughter wants to be a Doctor and yes I can hear everyone saying why panic its still 5 years to go before she is finished school don't panic. But I am panicing the Education system is a complete joke where a portion of the population must get higher than 80% and the the other portion can get a way with 50% in Varsity. Where the passing mark is 37 to 40% thats to get into the next grade.
Anyway a couple of years ago I wanted to move to the UK so I could ensure that my children could get a good education and were on the same level as the other kids. But my parents gave me the "You are being selfish and what about me" story especially my mother. The way I see it she has 2 other children she can move in with. Anyway my father decided in order to stop me from going he would pay for my children to go to a private school he pays half and I pay half and this he will do for all his grand children. Beside my husband wouldn't leave his parents behind even thought they kept telling us not to stay because of them (They were also going to move across, we were waitng for them to go accross first then catch up.Unfortunatly they both passed with in 18 months of each other) Anyway I have now gotten to grade 7 with my daughter and I look ahead and it scares me.
Again I am looking to go across and what happens my mom goes insane again and My sister is calling all kinds of things, my brother has that paniced look that screams who is going to look after mom. And my dad he will try stop me again.
I know the right thing would be what in he best interests of my children. But I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I have already sacrificed my happiness twice in favour of my parents and family and have ended up regretting it. I don't know if I can do it again because this time the sacrifice is not me it's my children....
I am so lost and confused all I hear all the time is what about mom, and dad and you are being selfish. And the only reason I would be moving to the UK is for prestige and money. (What money??)

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I'm going to put it very bluntly and harshly, so please understand I mean no disrespect or pain to you or any of your family....

Sacrficing the well being of your children for a woman who will be dead soon (whether that is one year or 20) is stupid.

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I havent read the rest of the posters but I am from Rhodesia (I know it's Zimbabwe now but it was Rhodesia when i was born so that's what i call it) and I TOTALLY get where you are coming from. My cousin just moved here with his family for the same reasons. I dont know what the easy answer is sweetie but I know for me, I would do what's best for my kids. I wish you luck- not easy xoxo

Jaime - posted on 05/30/2011

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I say do what you gotta do. Your priority is you and your children. If moving to the UK is what you want to do and feel that you need to do, then that's what you should do. I'm sure that in time, your family will come to understand that your reasons for moving were not motivated by selfishness. And if they don't see that, then they're far too self-absorbed to understand much beyond themselves to begin with.

Tara - posted on 05/30/2011

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I would have to say that you should do what you feel is the right thing for your children's future. Your family will have to eventually understand. When it comes to family, the future is just as if not more important than the past. Yes your mother is there and yes everyone thinks you should stay to help care for her but your children are there and they are suffering because of it. Their futures are going to suffer, their dreams are going to suffer. And by the time your daughter is ready for pre-med, your mother will either have passed on or or will still be needing care. But your daughter's chances at becoming a doctor will suffer if she does not receive a good education in a safe place. Your family is just going to have to come to terms with the fact that YOUR family is also very important to you, YOUR children should have better opportunities than you had. And your family should be glad that you are seeking options that will provide more opportunities and a better education than they were able to provide to you.
Stick to your guns, tell them you love them and will visit often, tell them they should come with you, tell them you will always be there for them, but that your own family needs a future and you are going to supply them with one.

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Desiree - posted on 06/01/2011

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Mandie I know you understand better than a good many people and appreciate it. That Lunatic in Zim doesn't make matters any easier for those of us living here on the South End of the border. (sometimes I wish he and a couple other politicians would just vanish and leave us all alone) Oh Well. Right now I am doing a lot of home work with hubby and looking into it very carefully. Thank you all for your support.

Angela - posted on 05/31/2011

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I come from a mind set that children take care of their parents and family so I know that it must be a hard choice for you.
I fell in love with a man from The Netherlands, I ended up moving here to NL. My family was very upset and acted as I abandonded them. I have to say after a few years they are okay with it now. Sure they miss us but they are better and we get along. But it DID MAKE A BIG RIFF for a while. My brother and father did not speak to me for years!!!!
The thing is I think it is best for myself and my family to live here. I come from the USA where many think is so great and wonderful...it is if you got money! Just as you only the private schools or schools in rich areas are good otherwise you kids could end up graduting without being able to read or write! The crime is horrible and the public schools are going bankrupt...it is a shame.
Here in NL it is not perfect but at least I don't have to be rich to get my children a good eduation and the crime rate are low, I think my childrens happiness comes first. I always tell my family I am here and will be there for them. I do go visit often.
In the end do what is best for your children, you can be there for your family as well but you children are 100 percent dependent on you. They are not....
Good luck not to matter it will never be easy with having to make such a choice but do what your heart says to do and trust your family loves you despite the protest. Do not give in to emotional blackmail. Just be sure to tell your family you appreciate all the help and are grateful but despite all they can do you think you can do better for the children by moving to the UK.
Best wishes...

Brittany - posted on 05/30/2011

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Want to talk about being selfish?

You are trying to be a good mom and ensure your children are educated so they can have a wealthy life and your brother and sister are worried about your parents? Why can't they take care of them?

Do what is in the best interest of your children. Children need a proper education to be successful in life. That is where you need to go.

Kate CP - posted on 05/30/2011

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Your parents should want what's best for their children and grandchildren. THEY are being selfish. If you need to move to secure YOUR family's future, then they should be supportive of that.

Desiree - posted on 05/30/2011

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Thanks ladies I needed that. will let you know what the final desicion is going to be. After a very long conversation with hubby tonight.

Krista - posted on 05/30/2011

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I don't think you're being selfish at all. Your job is to provide a good future for your children, and that is what you are trying to do. Frankly, I think your family members are being the selfish ones, as they appear to be thinking solely of themselves.

I would explain to them that this isn't about you. This is about you wanting to provide your children with the best opportunities possible, and that you hope that they can look beyond their own needs and see that this is the best thing for those children.

Other than that, Tara said it perfectly.

Nikki - posted on 05/30/2011

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Wow that's awful. I really don't mean to be rude about your family but I think your mum and dad are being really selfish. You need to think of your children's future, if I were in your position I would certainly move, not just because of the schooling but because it is a safer place for your children to live. My mum and dad would never hold me back or make me feel guilty for wanting something different out of my life, or for wanting more for my children. You only live once, you need to be able to make your own decisions without being held back by guilt. Good luck

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/30/2011

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I know exactly where you are coming from, just not as extreme.

We lived near my in laws in Missouri. My husband grew up in El Paso Texas, and I grew up in Massachusetts. Over the years, we went on many vacations to Massachusetts, and my husband fell in love with it. I had always wanted to move back, and had NO intentions on staying in Missouri for 10 years...but he and I met, fell in love, got married, had a kid....bought a house....sold the house....moved in with the in laws until we found another. The house we wanted desperately fell through at the literal last second, so we decided hell.....lets try t moved to Mass.

When we decided to tell his family, (which was 1 week after we made the decision), we got a lot of heat. His parents have another son and daughter in law that seem to not be able to have children....I also got pregnant with our second child about this time. They were devestated that we were leaving, we had the only grandchildren. We decided that this was gonna be our only chance to move and to just go for it. It was HARD. We got a LOT of guilt trips, and virtually no support....just "WHY?" I kept presenting it as, "you guys moved from El Paso from everything you know to better your families life...give us a chance to do the same thing."

We have been living in Massachusetts for almost 2 years now, and quite frankly, it was not the best thing to do after all for our family. My husband works up in Boston, which on a good day is a 1 1/2 hour commute EACH WAY. We live in a not so desirable area, because we blew through all of our savings. Cost of living is killing us here.

There really is no way to assure that one place is going to be better for your family than the other. It is a hard decision. The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

Do what you and your husband feel is right for your family. This is not a democracy that your family has a say about. If they do not want to support it, well that is up to them. You guys need to pound the pavement and know for sure that this would be in the best interest of YOUR little family. You cannot live by what other people WANT you to do. It is not their choice.

After all I have already said about our move probably being a mistake, we do not regret doing it, even though life is less then steller. We would have kicked ourselves in the ass if we didn't at least try. We needed this to figure out what we really want. We are still in that process.

Good luck.

Jenn - posted on 05/30/2011

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Is there some real concern for your mothers health in the near future? I'm confused why everyone is so concerned with who will take care of her. I think this is one of those things that only YOU can decide (I know, I'm not helpful LOL), because you have to weigh out the pros and cons for you and your family. For me personally, if it meant a better future for my kids, I'd move in a heartbeat. Not that I'm saying it's easy to leave your parents/siblings behind - but for the sake of my kids I would.

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