Egos and Motherhood

Darlena - posted on 09/28/2010 ( 58 moms have responded )

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So, last night I was talking to my husband about a blog I was writing about the mommy martyr competition, and how I didn't get why some mothers think they had to give up their entire identities to prove they loved their children.

There's a weird facebook message going around that rubbed me the wrong way:

http://parentwin.blogspot.com/2010/09/ra...

My husband said he thought women used children as an excuse to let themselves go.

Then he backtracked and said that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing; that people are slaves to their egos until they have children and being able to let go of that ego for a while is a good and freeing thing.

So, what do you think? Have you given up your entire identity for your kids? Are parents using their children as an excuse to let themselves go? If you don't have children, are you a slave to your ego?

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Serena - posted on 09/30/2010

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I think that when you have babies at home its hard to have an opportunity to think of anyone but them. They are surprisingly very needy people. So for a while at least our self-identities can end up wrapped around them and there's nothing wrong with it. Its just how it goes. I will admit I am looking forward to the day that everyone in my house knows how to wipe their own butt and flush the toilet afterwards, but I still have a ways to go.
I do look at myself though as becoming the person I always knew I was deep down. I have become a responsible and very caring person. I spent much of my pre-mommy days being very unproductive and sometimes self-destructive. (I used to party a little too much) But since I have had my children I have learned to put their needs first which has always led to the better decisions.
I think everyone at some point or another (even childless people) "lets go". I don't like to think that I have completely let myself go, I will admit that I don't dress the way I used to or care so much about it cause it always ends up with somebody's food all over it anyways. But I still take pride in myself...
I think motherhood is such a sensitive subject in general. I don't think that anyone really has a right to judge another mother for her parenting styles, there is no one correct way to raise a child.

Cat - posted on 09/28/2010

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Well lets see... I didnt give up my make-up, I just put it on before I leave the house rather than right when I get up... I wore ponytails before kids, I cant stand salon prices... And I will never EVER give up my late nights (although they're spent at home online) and that is why I'm not awake enough in the mornings to do my make-up... that waits till after coffee now... I seriously think that original facebook post was created to make underachievers feel better about themselves and overachievers feel worse... I despise guilt trips disguised as peppy facebook statuses

Johnny - posted on 09/28/2010

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I didn't lose myself when I had my daughter. I wanted to be the best for her, so I made sure I took care of myself. If I felt good, she'd get good vibes from me and for some odd reason, I think it makes a difference in a kid's happiness. Probably because I grew up with a mother who was miserable.

However, now that I'm back to work, and still trying to take care of the house and my daughter, I'm finding it virtually impossible to look after myself. I haven't had a hair cut in 8 months. My color is totally grown out. I do get up every morning, take a shower, shave my legs, do my hair & make-up, but I feel like I already don't get enough time to spend with her that I really just don't feel like giving up 4 hours on a Saturday to sit in the chair and get my hair colored. I might try to get a trim soon, but I'm just going to live with my weird color.

But it is NOT about wanting to martyr myself to appear to be a better mom. I think that's BS. It's because I really miss her and I can't bare to sacrifice any more of that precious time.

[deleted account]

I'm struggling to think of a way I've changed....

...ok, I have to get up at 7:30am on a Sunday morning and I never had to before....that's it. Wait! I also own more toys :)

I've never owned makeup.
I've always worn my hair down and it gets frizzy if I wash it every day. I have had 2 haircuts in the 11 months since my daughter was born and that's normal. Hairdressers are thieves!
I wore jeans and t-shirts before I had my kid (the same jeans and t-shirts actually. Hmmm, need to buy more jeans and t-shirts).
I've been out the last 2 Saturdays in a row (I'm not talking getting blitzed, just dinner and movie).

I think some mothers just like to be martyrs. It backfires on me because I just think they're doing something wrong. Cruisey mum = Cruisey baby IMO

[deleted account]

Everybody rejoiced in telling my hubby and I how we would 'know about it' when we had children, how everything would change, how we couldn't do the things we enjoyed once we had kids. How WRONG were they!



Yes I have changed since having Ethan, I am more considerate of others, more open minded, more aware of money and time. But with all the changes that have occured I'm still me...I still love reading, learning, talking, watching movies, spending time with family and friends, etc.



My appearance is more relaxed as I am not representing a company anymore, so I don't need to look professional anymore, but again I'm still me. I am in need of a haircut and haven't had any new clothes since my son was born but I have more important things to spend my money on and I have a wardrobe full of clothes, so now I am more inventive with my outfits, they are more interesting and less generic now because I am more comfortable in who I am.



If I want to style my hair I can, generally if I am not going out i prefer just to have it off my face (damn fringe needs cutting grr). I shower everyday. I put make-up on when I'm going out, I never enjoyed putting make up on, now I do because I don't do it EVERY bloody day.



Finally designer bags, oh shit I missed a trick. I have never in my life owned a designer bag, oh well...

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[deleted account]

We do have proof of how good a mommy we are, we only have to look at our happy, contented, usually well behaved little angels...

Mrs. - posted on 09/30/2010

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I think that martyr mommy mentality is a bit of a throwback to another time. If you saw your mother do it, you might be more prone to do it yourself. It's a sort of, "The more I appear to suffer with my mommy hair shirt, the better mom I am." It is a tangible measurement of your value as a mom-and wouldn't we all love to have tangible proof, for everyone to see, about how good a mom we are.

It is a hard balance. However, I don't/can't function just for my kid. I had PPD/PPA, I still do to an extent. If I just live my life for my little girl, I become a mess. Call it selfish, but it is who I am. It took me awhile to figure that out and be okay with it.

My mother always worked, always hard something just for herself. In fact, she went to the other extreme and was a little absent because of it. I know this was some of the reason I had a lot of guilt about making things just for myself. I didn't want to abandon my child. However, once I worked that out, it became a lot easier.

Some ladies just haven't got the support, insight or desire to do that.

Nikki - posted on 09/30/2010

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I don't think the author intended for the post to be offensive, she was obviously just being subjective to her experience.

In some ways it kind of reminds me of my life, I have let myself go and I really don't know who I am any more, my life has changed so much since I first became pregnant, in a very positive way, but I still haven't figured out where all this change has left me.

I don't use being a mother as an excuse, however, the responsibility and stress of being a mum along with the emotional roller coaster of having pre natal depression set me on a one way track to fatville and daggy town, I didn't even realise how bad I had become until I looked at some wedding photo's last week.

It was never a conscious decision to let myself go, I was just busy looking after my daughter, her needs have always been more important that mine. I am now just starting to realise that I need a better balance, I need me time, I need to feel good about myself and my looks in order to be a happy mum.

It's taken a long time to realise how much my decision's have impacted my own happiness, hopefully now I can begin to make a change for the better.

Tah - posted on 09/30/2010

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we rearranged and decorated the room for my 3 year old so fast we almost tripped over her on the way out...it was his room anyway..now he can get out of our room, i never knew how small a king size was with a 3 year old at your feet every night..but it seems to have gotten bigger since she left..lol...love ya but ya gotta go...

Charlie - posted on 09/30/2010

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Glad to hear she moved out Tah :D i hope its made life less stressful for you .

Tah - posted on 09/30/2010

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mommy martyrs love it....i however am not giving up me. Sorry, call it selfish if you want, but i'm not doing it. I have only worn make-up 4 times in my life prom, glamour shot and 2 work parties with my husband. but i keep my hair done, my sister used to do it when she lived here but since she moved out i started going back to the hair dresser and am going to spend 200 dollars to get my hair braided this weekend and it will last 3 months and i can style it however i want, or just get up and go. I do wear tee shirts and jeans on occasion, but i will get spiffy more often than not because i like for my husband to have something to look at besides a navy wife or nurses care tee shirt all the time...lol....



i still work and go to school, i work nights and not every night so days like today when my husband has my truck(his car died, we just sent out the funeral announcements, it can be viewed at pep boys because i am not paying 4000 to get a 5000 dollar car fixed..sorry fo ya, buy another) he dropped the baby off this morning, the 13 year old is pretty self-sufficent and so is the 8 year old, i wash her clothes she picks them out and i approve or tell her what she needs to change if her colors are yelling at each other..but she's pretty good cause she's a princess..lol..i have them finishing up any dishes they didn't complete yesterday because i went to bed early, i have been drinking benedryl because i have been breaking out for 3 days from something...and when they leave i will have the house to myself..just me and the dog,



i will get homework and whatever else i have to done, like dinner prep and out to the balcony for a little run since i put some of the weight back on when i injured my ankle at work and couldn't work out... When they get home, it will be time for after school activities and the husband helps get them back and forth if i'm making dinner or in my late class. If mommy isn't happy nobody is happy..that is the motto in here and it works...lol.....i am not going without a shower, i have brought the kids in the bathroom if i have to in their car seats or swings so i could get a shower, i get my hair braided about 1 week before the due date so that even if i go over a week or so i still have 3 months of not having to worry about curling and getting to the hair dresser, i still get my feet done, even if it is a trim and polish change, i'm going. I have friends who act like that and they dont want help, or want advice, they want to sit in the house in sweats with their hair a mess, no shower, kids climbing the walls and them right there with them and if it's what they like, good for them. my mom stayed herself after 7 children, she has a walk that my husband calls the tornado, i dont remember her ever walking out without make-up and she still dresses the part, . she, at 63 has men complimenting her at random, her lawyer came on to her for goodness sake....if she can do it without losing herself, what choice do i have...lol..

LaCi - posted on 09/30/2010

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I'm just now getting back into myself after 2 years. I was only wearing makeup to school, all summer I looked like hell lol. Now I'm wearing makeup and fixing my hiar every day again. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not wearing my night-night clothes. I'm beginning to put forth effort though.

I didn't give up my identity for my kid though, I've been me all along. I just haven't bothered with my appearance. I would try to work out in spurts Hopefully now that I'm putting more effort into the rest of it that will be a real routine.

Before I had kids, I was a freak about how I looked when I went out. No one ever saw me without makeup and hair done, I worked out frequently, watched what I ate, etc. That was just a lot to deal with, during the first couple years of first time *surprise* parenthood. ;/

[deleted account]

That's what we do Emma. I have Saturday morning to do what I want (and I choose SLEEP!) and my husband gets Sunday morning and he does a 15km run. Weirdo! LOL I usually get until she wakes from her morning nap at 11am. Bliss!

Stifler's - posted on 09/29/2010

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I sleep in one day one the weekend and my boyfriend sleeps in the other day so we both get to sleep in one day a week.

Johnny - posted on 09/29/2010

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Anika, that has got to be one of the few things I wish hadn't changed after having a child. I loved sleeping in on weekends. Now there's a kid dropping a hardcover Curious George on my head, "mommy read George." I have zero guilt when I say, "no, read it yourself. And do it in YOUR bedroom." I didn't mind giving up going out at night (I still do it rarely and that's enough) and I can't think of much else that I don't get to do. But what I wouldn't give just to sleep in until 9am and then read the entire newspaper without getting up.

Jodi - posted on 09/29/2010

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Well, I was never the type to make sure I was a size 0, I was happy to just be not overweight! I lived in ponytails and cheap clothes and make-up was for special occasions. I worked hard at my job, even though I hated it and prided my close family connections above all else. I have to admit, very little has changed with having a child! I am now slightly overweight, (darn baby weight won't just be walked off!!!), still live in ponytails and make-up is for date night with hubby. I still work hard at my job as a SAHM and pride my close relationships with my sisters, mother, daughter and hubby. So I get less time to scrapbook or read or go out with friends, it honestly is par for the course, but I do carve out time for myself. I often take my child with me to get my cappuccino or check out library books or shop for a new pair of jeans or shoes. I am not a slave to my child, but I don't feel like I was ever a slave to my ego either, I'm just happy.
I know a few mommy martyrs though, and when I have offered to babysit so they could shower, clean house, grab coffee or go out for an hour or two with a friend...I get turned down. They like being that way, it gives them a sense of self worth I suppose or a sense of superiority. I just wish they could realize that you can be the best mommy in the world and still be a grown-up person too.

Stifler's - posted on 09/29/2010

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I agree with Sarah and Toni, I used to work in aged care which means 5am wake ups to get on the cross trainer, shower, pony tails, non stop showering and crap 15 minute lunch breaks, studying nursing on the weekend, no make up, no jewelry allowed. Being a pregnant and then a mum has let me wear jewelry and be interested in my hair and stuff like that. I'm enjoying lazy days at home with Logan reading stories and going for walks and cooking decent dinners/going to restaurants for dinner instead of frozen pizza and still carry a handbag even though everyone told me I'd end up shoving my keys and wallet in the nappy bag. My nappy bag is cute too and taking him out and about is a hell of a lot more convenient than people told me it would be. I think people feel they have to punish themselves and buy the kids 1000s of dollars worth of toys and themself nothing in order to be a good mum and it's not true.

Denikka - posted on 09/29/2010

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Looking at me now (without looking at the me of premommyhood), most people would probably think I'd let myself go.
I really haven't though. My clothes aren't all that different (same baggy t-shirts, same jeans although now I have fewer clothes), my hair is still just thrown back (although I'm not as obsessive about brushing it ALL the time) and I still only wear makeup when I go out (I just used to go out more often, school and such)
I've never looked at what I've *given up* as giving things up. My priorities just shifted and now I have better things to do with my time. I used to read a lot (because I never went out) and now I'd rather spend that time with my son. It's not a sacrifice to me, just new things came along that I'd rather spend my time on.
Some days are bad and I wish I could go take a bath and read for 3 hours like I used to, but then I actually get into the tub with a book and I'm still out in less than 30 minutes, just because it seems like a waste of time to me.
The things I've sacrificed in my life really don't have much if anything to do with my children. I can't shower every day because I'm living with 7 people. I can't cook whatever I want because..I'm living with 7 people and I'm the one who took on the cooking responsibility for the house. Etc, etc, etc.

Petra - posted on 09/29/2010

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I think there are some women who view locking in the husband and having kids as an excuse to let themselves go... not all, by any means, but some. I've heard the phrase "I'm eating for two now!" and watched a woman down tremendous amounts of food, for the baby, of course. And then berate the husband for doing things wrong, sigh about how she has to do it all herself, and commend herself on how much she has given up to be a good mother and wife. The women I am speaking about are the ones who post these kinds of things on their FB statuses.

On the other side, I personally have had a hard time reconciling pre-baby me with mumma-me. Giving up the occasional party night wasn't difficult, but giving up the day on the couch to finish that really good book was. I view getting out and wearing a cute outfit and makeup as a treat, but I don't bother with blow drying and flat ironing the mane as it just takes too long. I am also dying to go back to work - and have opted to do so a month early. Being at home most days and having the responsibility of baby, housework, laundry, cooking, etc. makes me resent the shit out of being a SAHM and my partner, while usually pretty good, ends up being the target of my resentment a lot. So balance between who you were and who you now are can definitely be hard to find, but I think playing the martyr card and slagging mums who still wear makeup or go to the gym is the defense of those who secretly are afraid (or too lazy) to do it themselves.

[deleted account]

I think I spend more time on myself now that I'm a mom. In college I wore my hair long and wavy pulled back with a scarf, wore t-shirts and ripped jeans, showered every other day, and only put on make-up for church. Now I rarely go out of the house in a t-shirt, keep my hair cut short, discovered a love for jewelry, and put on at least basic make-up everyday. Hmmmm....maybe it's not motherhood that did that to me but growing up. Whatever the case, I don't fit the facebook message model of motherhood.

[deleted account]

I'm an even bigger idiot! I was wondering what Emma was talking about thinking SHE was random. Thanks for posting that Amie.....cleared up A LOT for me! My goodness, I think I need to go back to bed for a week. ugh. Roxanne is sick and we haven't slept much and I'm just not myself.

Feel free to laugh out loud at me.

Stifler's - posted on 09/28/2010

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It's just so lame. It sounds like it was written by someone with nothing better to do than sit around analysing how good of a parent they are.

Darlena - posted on 09/28/2010

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@ Annie: that's how I read it, too. But I think it's stupidity on the original poster's part, not malice. I don't think she intended it that way, but that didn't make me feel any better and I had to wait a few days before writing that blog so I didn't tear her a new one.

Amie - posted on 09/28/2010

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I also am just going to add, I find that post insulting. For every mom who did not give up their full identity/ego it's a round 'bout way of implying we don't love our kids as much. =/ Well, how I'm reading it anyway.

Amie - posted on 09/28/2010

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I think the FB post in question should be posted here to help clear up the confusion:

"All the unselfish moms out there who traded eyeliner for dark circles,salon haircuts for ponytails ,long showers for quick showers, latenights for early mornings, designer bags for diaper bags, and WOULD NOTchange a thing. Lets see how many moms repost this. Moms who don't care about whatever they gave up, instead...LOVE what they getin return.Repost this if you're a mom and LOVE your KIDS."

Darlena - posted on 09/28/2010

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I pretty much agree with you, Emma, and I use CAPS LOCK in my own personal writing, etc. For emphasis. I agree with your stance on it, in this particular instance.

But, I didn't set out to make fun of that little chain message. It's not like an article where someone is getting paid (and still being ridiculous and writing badly). I think it was just some mom with good intentions gone bad.

Stifler's - posted on 09/28/2010

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Like jesus christ anyone who is a good mum doesn't need to post that crap. It's pretty much saying to me "I need to JUSTIFY my EXISTENCE because I don't WORK".

Stifler's - posted on 09/28/2010

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I don't have a problem with it on actual important words. But it's like IF you LOVE your CHILDREN you WILL be BORING.

[deleted account]

EMMA! I happen to LOVE the CAPITALS on the EXTREMELY important words.....it's a GREAT way to EMPHASIZE them.

Stifler's - posted on 09/28/2010

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I HATE the CAPITALS on the SEEMINGLY IMPORTANT WORDS. No. I'm still a person with thoughts and feelings and interests besides childrearing not 'a mommy'. Parents are using their kids as an excuse to not do things like help people, go over people's houses and clean their house because "zomg it's all the kids fault that the house is messy even though there's a load of washing in the machine that's been there 3 days".

Kate CP - posted on 09/28/2010

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Dana: I think you mean a 180 degree turn. 360 degrees is a full circle so you'd be right back where you started. ;)

[deleted account]

All I have to say is that I'm COMPLETELY 100%, '360 degree turn' different now from what I was before I got pregnant. I won't go into details but even though I may wear sweats grocery shopping or a ball cap once in a while because I don't want to do my hair, the new me is who I've strived to be.

Have you given up your entire identity for your kids? Absolutely, thank god!

Am I using my child as an excuse to let myself go? Nope, quite the opposite actually. As she gets older and I have more free time to myself I'm starting to find out who I am

Hopefully I make sense and don't sound too mushy!

Tara - posted on 09/28/2010

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After my first I thought I had to be everything to him and nothing to me. I still showered etc. lol but I really didn't think of me ever.
After having 6 kids I know all about balance. I am a good enough mom. I'm not super, and I"m not apathetic or worse bad. I meet their needs and I meet my own. A happy mother means a happy home. I take time for myself so does my partner. I have recently acquired a pottery wheel and some clay so I've started making time each day to play in the workshop, it's fun and rewarding.
I also study and read a lot. My priorities have changed, I think all parents do.
I homeschool as some of you know so my kids are in my life most of my life. When we go out, I dress in jeans that fit nicely and a nice t-shirt. Easy wash and wear clothes and hair, little or no make up. But I like to feel good, if I feel good I look good and vice versa. It's important to set some minimal expectations when it comes to appearance, my girls have to have their hair brushed, whether they want it up or "done" is left to them. They have to wear clothes that are clean and in good repair etc.
But when we're home, we're messy, so we wear comfy old clothes that don't mind getting paint, clay, glue etc. on them.
I think Kate is right about kids needing to see that us as parents respect ourselves enough to take care of our bodies, it doesn't mean dieting or wearing make up and the latest clothes etc. it's more about cleanliness, pride in appearance etc.
I think some women do use children as an excuse for letting themselves go. I know someone who still claims she hasn't lost the pregnancy fat from her last baby who is now five years old. The fact she eats McDonalds 4 times a week and KFC the other 3 doesn't seem to factor in for her. :(

Charlie - posted on 09/28/2010

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I agree Kate , children need to see that you respect yourself enough to care , not care what others think but to care about yourself , your body , a persons appearance says a lot about them regaurdless of the amount of effort they put in , but it has to be for YOU first and foremost .

[deleted account]

Oh yeah, we're talking about ego too....

Nope. I wear the same types of things I did before kids, still no make up or doing up my hair or anything. I've always been like this. It is me and I LIKE it. Anyone that can't accept that... isn't worth my time. :)

[deleted account]

I haven't given up my identity for my kids, but as someone who has wanted nothing 'more' from life than to be a mother since I was 14... my kids pretty much ARE my identity. Not to say I'm not my own person, just that I don't live a very 'eventful' life outside of my kids and I'm totally ok w/ it. When they are gone and I'm old and gray (yikes!)... I'll get to enjoy the same things I enjoy now... only in peace.. and hopefully w/ frequently visiting grandkids. ;)

Kate CP - posted on 09/28/2010

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I haven't given up my entire identity for my kids but that's not to say that I WOULDN'T if I had to. I think having an identity is important and showing your children that you care about YOURSELF is just as important (if not more so) than caring about others.

Ez - posted on 09/28/2010

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The transition into motherhood can be difficult. Trying to balance a newborn's almost constant needs with a desire for 'me time' just didn't happen for me. I am a single mother and for the first year I would say I very much put myself on the backburner. There were a lot of very necessary sacrifices.. I'm only one person and my daughter had to come first.



The turning point for me was losing the baby weight. I spent the first year of my daughter's life looking like someone else!! Finally, just after she turned 1, I started WW and have lost 30 of the 34kg I gained while pregnant. Now I wonder why I didn't do it sooner, but I honestly don't think I had it in me to be so disciplined while caring for a baby on my own. I don't think that's an excuse for letting myself go. It was my reality. I knew I would eventually get serious about losing the baby weight, and I was happy to wait until my daughter's needs had changed so as to allow me that time to dedicate to myself again.

Carolee - posted on 09/28/2010

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I have found that, since becoming a stay-at-home mom, I am actually MORE able to express myself. For example, I now have pink hair and bought a really cute '50's-inspired black and white dress that I couldn't wear before because I was too disgusted by my body. Once I had kids, I actually stopped thinking about what other people would think of my body. I love my body because it gave me two beautiful children (one of which is screaming her head off for no reason, even when held and fed). I pay more attention to my appearance now because I want to be a pretty mom. I told my husband that I want to always be his MILF (lol).

Jocelyn - posted on 09/28/2010

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I almost lost myself after my first kid. I had horrid PPD. Since I had my second I've really gotten back to ME!
But I have had to make small changes...
I traded my designer bags for REALLY big designer bags.
I've traded my bright red lipstick for a bright red lip stain.
I've traded my high heels for....wait, I didn't trade my high heels.
I've traded my jeans in for a smaller size ^_^
Yes, we are moms, but we are not JUST moms.
But not having kids doesn't make you a slave to your ego (although I know a few slaves...)
With child or childless, you need to find a good balance.

[deleted account]

I have never been a slave to my ego, but a lot of that just goes back to good genes. I don't really need makeup, never really had to work out (til baby #4 that is) and never really care what the new fashion is because I like my jeans and t-shirt.



The only thing I gave up is being able to just grab my keys and go whenever I wanted and partying a lot. Which I don't miss but I do enjoy the occasions when I can just grab my keys and not have to lug my herd everywhere.

Charlie - posted on 09/28/2010

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Nope.

Even with a newborn and a toddler i still make time to go the gym everyday ( thanks to a very supportive partner) and generally when they have their morning nap i get to shower , straighten my hair ( twice a week 10 minutes ) chuck on some mascara , lip gloss and SPF 30
( takes 5 mins ) .
When i look good i feel good .
As for my personality i think it has matured a lot since having children but essentially i am still me :D
I dont think people without children are "slaves to their egos" yes some people are egotistical but generally people are people enjoying their individuality and freedom and whats wrong with that ?

Amie - posted on 09/28/2010

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Not at all. I do my make up and dress nice when I need to but for every day wear and tear, not happening. lol I am the mom who goes to school with a pony tail in her hair, jeans and a t-shirt. It's functional and I don't really care if the kids spill paint, food or wipe boogers on any of it. Once in awhile I will have very minimal make up on but it's never been a big deal for me in any case, except for going out/special occasions.

I still take care of myself. If I don't, I may very well lose my mind. Our lives keep me so busy that if I don't take those selfish times for myself, it will all fall apart. A person can only take so much! I go out to get my hair done and streaked, though I am letting it grow out right now. I have this really neat white streak cropping up on the right side of my head. I may just leave that too. haha. I go out with my friends. My husband and I go out on dates.

I do think some parents do this though. =/ I always wonder when they'll crack.

Sara - posted on 09/28/2010

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I haven't given up my identity for my child, but I think it has changed my priorities. Does that mean I don't go out once in a while with my friends? No. Does that mean I don't try and look nice? No. I think some people struggle with finding their identity again after having kids, and that's where the "mommier-than-thou" folks come from. They are so insecure about themselves and their place in the world that they feel they have to overcompensate in their role as "mother of the year". I hope they eventually figure it out, or their kids are going to hate them.

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