!!!Failing as parents!!!

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 07/26/2010 ( 12 moms have responded )

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We as mothers wish the best for our children and plan on raising them to the best of our abilities. We want to give them and do for them all the things we may or may not have gotten. We often pride ourselves on how well our children are turning out to be, but what if………they take a different path then what we intended or thought they would.
What about the mothers, whose once innocent children became strippers, prostitutes, murderers, and rapist, Ect….
Did they fail as parents?
Is there a time that we stop taking blame or responsibility for the way our children turn out?

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Sharon - posted on 07/26/2010

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Yes there is a time you stop taking responsibility for your "child".

When your kid is 34 and lives in the basement/spare room and his life revolves around role playing games and talking to him/her is via skype/text/ or IMs, yeah time to let it go and let them find their way.

Fuck. If the above were my kid and he grew up to be a chippendales dance - I'd be friggen thrilled.

Not so much if he grew up to be a crackhead.

I know people who had the best upbringings, they're stripping for a living.

Guy had the best of everything, his only goal in life is to be a DJ. (DiscJockey - outdated term that means to play music for crowds)

I turned out to be a housewife - drives my mother nuts.

I believe a lot of this is the parents fault but there are times it isn't the parents fault.

Parents who were fuckups and raised shithead kids will never admit their mistakes. Parents who gave it their all and still their kid wound up a fuckup - will look for the flaws in the past and look for ways to fix their kid. Or something like that.

Not all parents whose kids turned out to be fucktards failed.

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Shelley - posted on 08/02/2010

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This is like the whole nature vs nurture debate I think that nurture has more to do with how someone turns out than nature so yeah i think parents of children that go a long way off course should look at what they may have done to contribute. Having said that its a bit late to worry too much you can't fix the past but you can always go a long way towards a better future if you want to that is.

Tara - posted on 08/01/2010

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I am a good enough mom. Some of you have heard me use that term before. :)

I believe it is my responsibility as a parent to raise my children to be good thinkers. To be capable of making good choices. To be aware of the consequences of their actions and to be accountable for them. My kids are pretty "free range" (also from another topic!) they are allowed to make decisions about their life now, and they have to live with the consequences of those choices.
They are being raised to be emotionally intelligent people. To know what empathy is, to know what it means to be proud of who you are, to be strong in their choices and to know when it is necessary to call in an adult to help with decision making.
My role as mom will last until they die or I die. But my responsibility for their behaviour is not part of that deal.
They are already aware that they and they alone are responsible for the way they act and conduct themselves in society and in our home. We give them the tools they need to be well adjusted members of society with a thinking head on their shoulders. If they choose later in life to make choices that end badly for them, that is their choice. I will not take responsibility for my adult childrens choices in life. They know that. They also know that they have my love no matter what they choose to do in life. (not like anyone chooses to be a rapist etc.) but they know that no matter where life takes them I love them.
"When giving to your children, give to them two things, give your children roots and give your children wings"

That said if one of my 6 turns out to be a rapist or murderer etc. I would not question what I did wrong but I would question what has happened in their life to come to this point.
Tara

Stifler's - posted on 08/01/2010

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There are a lot of parents out there who are shite parents but convinced they are good parents.

Jessica - posted on 07/26/2010

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A lot of the times in cases of major problems- rape, murder, similar issues- there were things going on in their childhood that definitely contributed to it, like abuse, neglect etc. And that, obviously, is most definitely the parents' fault. Other things... there's a lot of gray area. I do think that how we bring up our children, especially when they're very young, can affect a lot. But at some point too, it is the responsibility of the child. When they are adults and can make their own choices. I can blame my dad for the anger/emotional issues I am still dealing with today. I know for a fact the way he acted when I was growing up contributed to it. But I also realize I am old and competent enough to take responsibility for my own actions; I also would not say he "failed."

I actually had this discussion with my therapist, lol. I was saying how worried I am that I'll make the same mistakes my parents did and cause my son to have issues as an adult. Really, it scares the crap out of me. She said, basically: None of us can be perfect parents, and you will make mistakes, and your children will encounter difficulties and issues growing up and as adults- that's life, there's no way around it, and that's ok. What you CAN do is do your best to pass on to your children the abilities to cope with whatever issues they may encounter.

Isobel - posted on 07/26/2010

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I have tended to find that the more a woman questions whether or not she's a good mother, the better of a mother she is...it always seems to me that it's the ones screaming about how awesome they are that are the shite parents.

If you don't question yourself and whether or not you are doing a good enough job, then you don't take it seriously enough.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 07/26/2010

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My sister in law and I were having this discussion the other day, we know a lady who has two girls that are ages 23, and 30. They are both alcoholics. The 23 year old, dinks Friday thru Sunday and she is an angry drunk, the other has to have a beer for breakfast, just about everyday, and now her kidney is starting to fail her. Their mother was like the both of them when she was younger, (she has been clean for 15+ years now) she cleaned up her act, but it seems to have been too late…as far as being a role model for her kids go, but the thing that my sister in law and I were wondering is…. does the lady blame her self??? Does she feel guilty for the way her girls are?? That is how this topic came up for me.
I don’t think all strippers and prostitutes are bad people, but I highly doubt most of there parents are proud to say what profession they are in, if the parent even knows, that is why I put them there. I do indeed know a stripper and an escort girl, and they are very nice people, but they have not told there parents whey they do…….

Lyndsay - posted on 07/26/2010

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I'm kind of on the fence here. I think that a large part of how we turn out has to do with how our parents raised us, but at the same time.. maybe how we, individually, react to how we're brought up.

Most strippers and prostitutes and random criminals who beat up old ladies to steal their purses, they have drug issues. Most people with drug problems have mental health issues. It's not up to the parents to decide whether or not their child will have a mental illness, so that can't possibly fall on them. True, it depends how the parents *deal* with the mental illness... that can have a huge impact on later life..

I just don't know. Back in my days of drug using I knew a couple strippers and prostitutes, and I've known many criminals who do abhorrent things (never a murderer or a rapist tho) just to get their fix... and some of them actually came from decent families.

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We all do the best we can. No parent is or should be expected to be perfect. Which is one of the reasons I feel it is very important for my kids to be aware of many of my imperfections. They know I love them and am doing my best, but I WILL screw up. How they are as adults really isn't up to me. It's up to them.

Krista - posted on 07/26/2010

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There are SO many variables that influence what a person will become that it's absurd to blame it all on the parent, really. There are genetics, upbringing, social environment, things that take place outside of the home, things that take place as an adult, etc. etc. Of course, if your kid goes down a seriously bad path, we're going to ask where we went wrong. And in some cases, yes, you can see where the parents went wrong. But in other cases, stuff in the brain just went in the wrong direction. And in yet more cases, outside influences (besides the parents), set the kid down a bad path.

Ashley - posted on 07/26/2010

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I have often wondered about this myself. I believe a lot of the way we turn out as adults has to do with how we were raised. But it also has to do with what we have endured in our lives. That paths life takes us on, thoughs tricky turns we are not expecting. As a mother I dont think if my son turned out to be a "Bad" person I would ever stop blaming myself. I may have not deliberately set them up for a life of bad ways, but maybe there was something more I could have done to prevent it. It may not be at all there upbringing, but I still think in that situation I would put all or most of the blame on myself. That being said I know I am very hard on myself at times.

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