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Catherine - posted on 09/08/2011 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I am a mum of an 11 year old daughter who has just started high school. My daughter went to camp recently and started getting loads of text messages. I occassionally check her text messages and computer activity to make sure she is sending the right messages to her friends and speaking to the right people. She started getting messages from a Frankay, I was suspecious because of the time these messages where coming in and the rule we have in our home is texting and calling stops at 7pm because thats when she is winding down homework is done and we are having dinner for her to go to bed at 8pm.

This wasn't happening then I asked who this Frankay was and she lied and said it was her friend from camp. I wasn't convinced but didn't say much. Then last night she went to bed and I heard her phone go off then she put it on silent. She was late waking up this morning which I didn't understand as she goes to bed by 8pm, having started high school she needs to rest.

Well today I checked her phone and it turns out Frankay is Frank a brother to a friend of a friend. He is sending her texts about buying her stuff, and the groom kissing the bride behind a curtain because he is shy. I was mortified, I was scared, I was angry that this was happening to my child. Do I report him to the police, do I speak to his sister. My family always spoke about this and what we would do if anyone ever did some thing like this but never thought it would actually happen,

Please help I am confused, I am lost, I am scared of being too upset with my baby coz its not her fault, I am scared if I see this boy I will be charged with murder because I will just loose it, I wasn't protected as a child when my father molested me, and I vowed no one would ever do this to my child not when I was alive. I feel like a total failure, I can't stop crying... and I am due to go back to work tomorrow.

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Lady - posted on 09/08/2011

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First thing I would do would be to take the phone away fom my daughter - get the number of the guy, phone him and tell him to stay the hell away from my little girl and if he ever texted her or phoned her or contacted her again then you would get the police involved. hopefully that would be enough to scare him off.
It is so inapropriate for a 19 year old to be texting a 11 year old - this needs to be stopped now. You are a good Mum for noticing this was going on - good luck x

Denikka - posted on 09/08/2011

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The first thing to do is to take a deep breath and calm down.

How I would handle this depends a LOT on how old this Frank is. If he's under 13, I'd chalk it up to a relatively innocent crush and I'd talk to her about what is and is NOT appropriate to be talking about. If you don't want her dating, then tell her that, and tell Frank. If he's under 13, I'd probably go to address the situation in person. Maybe his parents are unaware of what's going on and, if brought to light, they will deal with it.
If you're really uncomfortable with her talking to him, tell her that and explain to her why. Tell her that she needs to remove his number from her phone and cut off contact with him (I'd give the benefit of the doubt and let her tell him why at least-aka: my mom is uncomfortable with some of the things we've been talking about and I'm not allowed to talk to you anymore. Sorry.)

If he's older, there would probably be a more direct approach. I'd probably just bypass my daughter and text him directly- This is so and so's mom. I don't like the things you've said to my daughter, so I'm cutting off contact.

A lot depends also on exactly what's been said. I wouldn't report to the police, but if it's really inappropriate (sexual), I would definitely also bring it to his parents attention and let them deal with it.

America3437 - posted on 09/08/2011

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Leave this up to the professionals! If this person is sending these types of messages to your child then how many others has this happened to or will happen to? You need to take her phone straight to the police station and they will take care of it! The last thing your daughter needs is you in jail for murder(although I myself would feel the same I'm sure). She needs you to explain to her that this is wrong on his part and he was playing "grown up" games with a child and needs to get some help for that! Make sure you stress to her that this is not her fault in any way and she should be very careful who she talks to cause anyone can become someone else over the phone or internet. She should only talk to people she has physically met! Try not to let her know that you want to kill this person because she may then think about you getting put in jail and leaving her alone so in the future she might not tell you about someone actually hurting her.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/08/2011

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I am so uncomfortable with the fact that he is 19. It is really hard to wrap my head around any plausible reasons he would be in contact with an 11 year old. Nope. Haven't come up with one good reason yet. Only bad reasons. I feel the same as everyone else. Keep a level head when contacting this boy. It is fine to contact his parents, but he is legally an adult. What are they gonna do about it really?

I would not hesitate to issue a report with the police. You may want to check your area for sexual predators and see if he is on the list. I think you can actually check when you are at the police station to have them pull him up and see if he has had any convictions. It is suppose to be accessible to the public, so you would not be infringing on his rights.

Amie - posted on 09/08/2011

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1) I would call him & his parents. I would let them know that I am going to the station to file a report - so it's on record. Also, a restraining order will be placed. (This is for my child's safety.)

2) I would take my daughter's phone until I was able to remove the extra's. No more texting, it is an emergency phone and that is it. If her friends want to talk to her, they can call like a normal person would. She can earn back the texting and extras on the phone. (This is the discipline for lying to me!)

3) I would have a good long talk with my daughter about why that was inappropriate. How she could have ended up in a serious jam. That boys that age should have no interest in girls her age, if they do - you need to find an adult to talk to it about. It doesn't have to be me (my kids have a lot of adult options though) but someone needs to know so an adult can assess the situation. Sometimes older siblings are just friends with their younger siblings friends but they need to know where that line is. If they are unsure, they need to know who to ask. No judgment, no freak outs, just us letting them know because we care. (This last bit covers any future instances of something going on - god willing it doesn't though. ugh.)

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seeing as the boy is 19, it is very inappropriate why he is interested in an 11 year old. you should take her phone away and have a discussion with her about why the relationship she is having with a man of this age is inappropriate. explain to her ways that older men try to take advantage of younger girls. if you don't feel she will listen to you, then have another female that she is close to and respect do it. if she still continues the relationship she is having with this guy, then take her phone away.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 09/09/2011

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Catherine, where are you? I am so anxious to hear how you are handling this! Please update us!

Natalie - posted on 09/09/2011

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I understand all the concern but why is 11 year old in high school? My daughter is 10 and she is in 5th grade, we havent gone through puberty or any interest in boys at all. Just wondering what grade is she in?

JuLeah - posted on 09/08/2011

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Yah, take her phone. She is not old enough to deal with this. I am glad you are dealing. My mother didn't. She stuck her head in the sand, her fingers in her ears .... she didn't want to 'make waves' or 'rock the boat' - I was 14 he was 27 .... she needed to makes waves as I was not old enough to handle the situation, thought I believed I was

Calm down though, this is not you and he is not your father

You need to stay calm so you can see what you need to see, hear what you need to hear ... if you are all in your head, reliving your experiance, ful of fear .... you won't be the help your daughter needs

So, breath, take the next right step ... this might prove to be an amazing learning experiance for her - what she learns here might keep her safe in some future encounter in which you are not around to help ...

Stifler's - posted on 09/08/2011

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And call the cops about this Frank guy. Unless your daughter looks 18 (unlikely if she's 11) he really has no excuse to be texting her these things.

Sam - posted on 09/08/2011

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One more reason young kids should not have cell phones. I would call the cops and that guys parents, if they are decent people they would probaly be horrifed that their 19 yr old son is texting an 11 yr old girl. especially if they have a young daughter as well. Maybe his parents will knock some sense into him.

Elfrieda - posted on 09/08/2011

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You might need to take her phone in the evenings, both to remove her from getting any msgs from this guy, and to prevent her from sending them when she's supposed to be sleeping. This shouldn't be too insulting, as I made my husband do the same thing with his blackberry phone. As soon as he walked in the door, the phone went into the same basket as the keys, and he could pick it up again on the way out. (This was in response to constant internet surfing and game playing, even at the dinner table and in front of guests.)

Denikka - posted on 09/08/2011

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If he's 19, then that is definitely inappropriate!!
I would be getting his parents involved ASAP. Sit down with him and his parents (leave your daughter out of it after making it PERFECTLY clear that this in unacceptable) Tell him AND his parents that this is completely unacceptable and that if it continues, you'll be forced to seek action, such as a restraining order (not knowledgeable on the legal side of things, so look into what CAN be done in this type of situation).
This definitely needs to stop ASAP though.

Catherine - posted on 09/08/2011

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Thanx Gillian, I will be calling him tried earlier from her phone but he did not pick up will do it from mine a little later!

Catherine - posted on 09/08/2011

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Thanks Denikka I am trying to be calm right now this boy is bout 19 years old. I have asked the sister to meet up but she is away this week so will talk to her wen she is back I guess. Its just hard having not had anyone to protect me I guess

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