Fathers Day?

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/10/2011 ( 35 moms have responded )

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Yeah my boyfriend totally forgot it was mothers day this year. Even though I made a huge deal out of it LAST year when I was pregnant with our son I was soooooo excited to be a mom that my mom and my boyfriends mother wished me a happy mothers day with cards and he didn't do anything. So I figured this year would be different, when I was actually a mom. My first mothers day!!!

I woke up to his best friends online (male and female!) wishing me a happy mothers day :D yay... and my fucking boyfriend not saying one damn word about it all day......... I thought it was dreadfully pathetic. I cried.

Why can't he just understand? When will he understand? Will he?! Ever?! His friends can tell me but he can't even remember to say it!? Wow. I was totally offended and still am.

So........ I'm not quite sure what to do. He told me he was going to make it up to me and he hasn't. Therefore, I feel like I should ignore it but I HATE being forced into being a toad about holidays. I love them! This is NOT what I want my kids growing up knowing of holidays!

They are the one day each year where family gets together, bakes cookies, goes sledding, cooks feasts, over eats, gathers, decorates and well...... I just think they are a little peice of light that can make our day to day lives more special each time they come around.

I also do not believe we have to celebrate each one to its fullest. Fourth of July can be simple. Bbq, friends, family, fireworks. Halloween, for the kids. Easter, mainly for the kids. But there are some that are huge, period, like Christmas.

So I'm torn.

What would you do? Tell him to screw off, or try to make the best of it?

Go ahead, run ragged on this one. I don't mind :) haha

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Dorota - posted on 06/10/2011

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I would leave him at home alone with the kids so he can enjoy being a father on father's day..... and go out for the whole day for some much needed me time :)

Becky - posted on 06/10/2011

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Maybe - if you haven't tried this angle already - make it about your child instead of about you. Tell him that you understand that his holiday experiences weren't positive and that maybe he'd just as soon pretend they didn't exist, but that that's not what you want for your child. Holidays can be a very special time for family to form lasting memories together. Tell him that you don't want your child to miss out on that, that you want him (her?) to have the opportunity to make wonderful family memories and to feel the magic of the holidays, and be able to bring that to his/her own children someday. And maybe, if he gives it a chance, he'll discover that there can be more than what he was brought up with.

Barb - posted on 06/11/2011

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You can't control him, and you are right, you wouldn't be happy if you were forcing him to act a certain way.



If celebrating holidays like father's day makes you happy, than do it. Father's day wasn't created to get back for what he did or didn't do on Mother's day. It's to teach your kids to appreciate their father and for you to let him know you appreciate him being a good father to his kids.



Perhaps giving him an action would help with his involvement on Mother's day.. like "someone needs to teach the children how to treat their mom on mothers day" but don't say that on father's day.. 1. it's not your day. and 2, he's not going to remember you said that next year on mother's day.



You have to do what you feel is right, but how would you feel if this was your last Father's day with him? Would you be glad you celebrated it, or would you regret you let that chance slip by?

[deleted account]

Remind him that his mom is a liar and she was wrong in what she;s said and done and that he is worth so much more than that. Tell him to picture his own kids, would he want them to have these sad memories of him? Of course not. But alot of times men (and abuse victims) really need things drawn out for them so they have a clear picture of how things *should* be. And bc holidays mean so much to you that should be enough of a reason to celebrate it but since he has a special circumstance with his mother messing up his outlook you have to draw it out and show him how it should be. I know its hurtful but I bet you that he didnt do it from a place of being uncaring or thoughtless. Maybe holidays are just something he blocks out. I know when I was little i dreaded holidays bc thats when everyone would get drunk and fight. They always got drunk and fought but on holidays there were alot more people doing it. It sucked so bad. But now as an adult and a mother I make holidays a priority for my kids and really for me too bc i feel like i was robbed of those special times that children should have.

[deleted account]

I agree with Barb. Treat things as if it's your last chance (bc it might be) and do the best you can at it and put your heart into it. Putting your heart into it doesnt mean you have to put your money into it. Get a piece of colored construction or printer paper and some markers. If you dont have any you can get a pack at Dollar Tree for a buck each. Trace your child's feet and hands and make a card for him from you and your child. You can look up sayings or quotes for Father's Day on google. Or think of a special song and print some of the lyrics, cut it out and decorate the little piece and glue it onto the card. Makes little stars or flowers and color them different colors and cut them out to make a border....make it cute and thoughtful. Make him dinner and give him a back rub. THEN say to him 'Honey, THAT is how it's done.' ; )

35 Comments

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Stifler's - posted on 06/11/2011

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I get myself what I want for Mother's day and write Love Damian on it, same with Christmas, birthdays etc. He hates shopping and never knows what I want, so he says. I asked him why he never got cards and he said that his mum and everyone he knows just throws them away anyway so why write them. He doesn't understand that I keep everything like that and actually like the card.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/11/2011

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But that's good too, because they will feel your joy! Not bad at all :)

[deleted account]

I have to admit, I do live through my kids quite a bit lol. I buy toys and things that I wish Id had when I was a kid like playhouses and dolls, a bouncy house, stuff like that. I cant help it!!! : p I cant wait til we go to Disneyland!!! Ill be more excited than the kids probably! : p

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/11/2011

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Thank you so much. I really think this is more the case than him just straight being an ass too. I feel better about what to do now :) thanks thanks thanks

I am glad that you have overcome your stigmas with the holidays for you and your kids. My friend still seems to be struggling with this, as I talked to her about holidays and stuff a few weeks ago she said she hated them and her boyfriend is really trying to get her on board with how nice they can be. It's not easy.


I know there are some things (even though holidays were awesome) that I lacked growing up that I want to give my kids. Mainly a stable home environment (one school year I went to 4 different schools!). Yeah, it was aweful.....

I never got to go to Disneyland growing up, so when we finally take them I'll be just as excited to go :D

[deleted account]

My childhood was the same way so I get where he's coming from and how he feels BUT you have to break the cycle and make things different for your own family. Make things better like the way you wish it was when you were a kid. At some point you have to let go of what your parents did to you and put you through. Has he gone to counceling? I think it would really help him to have someone put these things in perspective for him. But I know how guys are and alot just 'arent into' stuff like that. But if you could get him to do it it would help you and the kids as much as it would help him.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/11/2011

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Thanks. Yeah my boyfriend was treated like dirt growing up. His dad never wanted to hang out with him much and his mom babied his sisster, so she's now a total whiney needy self centered B at 24 years old who has GLORBAL melt downs every 4 hours. My boyfriend has also heard the 'You ruined my life' line and 'I'm in this miserable situation because of you' 'It's all your fault' everything was his fault growing up because his sister did apparently nothing, ever. So yeah, he has issues I get to deal with :) haha

Like I said, Mothers and Fathers day I could probably not care much about but it was just that first one and how everyone else around him cared, even his own friends, that made me look at him and go WTF? Lol

So we'll see how it goes. Thanks ladies :) all/any imput has been wonderful

Emma - posted on 06/11/2011

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LOL my son is 5 and my husband has never got me a card or present from him on mothers day in the whole 5 yrs. He says I'm not his mother (my husbands) and when my son is old enough to buy me something himself then I will get something. I buy him and present and card every fathers day but he just doesn't care. He says its just another way of getting money out of people.

[deleted account]

Given his history with holidays, this might help.
My family is not terribly spread out, but with busy lives and somewhat long drives, differing work schedules, and small houses, it is too difficult to get everyone together at once very often. So throughout the year, most families in my family stick close to their single generational nucleus, and we all get together on holidays.

It is not that we don't care about each other during the rest of the year, it's just not practical to get together. Everyone at those parties might have seemed "fake" to a kid, but they were not faking, they were happy because they were seeing people they truly love, whom they hadn't seen for nearly a year.

Cindy - posted on 06/11/2011

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Part of the issue very well could be that as a child he never celebrated holidays/events or the memories of them are very bad. My wonderful awesome son-in-law had a terrible childhood and was, in my opinion, mentally abused by his mom. He is one of 4 boys in his family born 11 months after his oldest brother and his mom made comments to him, and yes i have heard her, about her being miserable because he was born so close to his brother. This is just one example of his childhood. So when he and my daughter dated/married and we celebrated holidays/birthday's/special events he had a very hard time joining in, and even forgot many of them. Now after them being together 8 years and married 6, he has come around and enjoys them with us. He has not spoken to his mom in almost 3 years but has a great realtion ship with his 2 brothers (1 was killed in a accident) and his dad who come for the holidays/birthdays as they now have 2 children. So I say give him time and don't pressure him. I also married a man who also really didn't like holidays/birthdays because of his childhood and it took him time but he also came around. It was many years of him never saying Happy Birthday/Merry Christmas/etc and many tears but my birthday was just a day ago and he works all night and he called me just after midnight to tell me Happy Birthday and again when he got home and then again when he left for work. We are financially struggling right now so he was not able to buy m anything but that is ok because he remembered. That was all I needed but we have been married 31 years and it took so time (not 31 years) but I found the more I pressured him, the worse I felt. So just a thought.... Give him time and see what happens and realize that there are more important things to stress over.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/10/2011

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That's what I'm hoping for in the long run, that the kids will help bring him around even if I cannot. Because it is easier when they are involved. Him and I want to do so much for them, we discuss it all the time. So I know it won't be too big of an issue later to do Christmas properly, and Easter.



But in the mean time, dang. I'll just have to whoop his butt :) lol and come to a final conclusion on which holidays we will celebrate. I want ooooooone at least and I hate stressing everytime one comes around as I'm not sure what to do........... yep......... we're gonna have to talk.



So far, I asked him what he wanted me to cook him for Fathers Day. I thought it would be nice, we both love food and he said nothing.... of course...... but I said fine, pizza it is (his fav) so we'll see how it goes. I'll learn to cook pizza for him and talk to him about holidays again this weekend.



Thanks ladiessssssss :) I appreciate your thoughts, sentiments, advice and help. Made me feel loads better

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/10/2011

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I just wonder how I can get this point across to him anymore.. each holiday we hit is starting to eat my soul more and more with this problem.

Ez - posted on 06/10/2011

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Nichole, for this reason... 'Come on, we all do stuff maybe we dont want to to make our partners happy, but really we should want to BECAUSE it makes our partners happy'.. I think you're entitled to feel hurt and angry. I get that you don't want to force him, but you want him to WANT to do it because it's important to you. If you are being sensitive to his feelings about the issue (which you seem to be), he needs to give a little and acknowledge your feelings too.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/10/2011

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Yeah.. you would think. But I've seen my own father at 35 be a turd lol

Dana - posted on 06/10/2011

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Well, if he was in his early 20's I'd say give him time to come around, he's a young man, he's a young dad...but, at 28 he should be capable of understanding your feelings better.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 06/10/2011

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YES, we've had this conversation for a year straight, going on 2 years now. He absolutely hates holidays. His parents screwed it up, he thinks it was a time of year when a bunch of family got together that never cared about each other all year, just to smile around a table and then disspear again.



I understand where he is coming from, as that is exactly what happened in his life. His family was never around, so he hated pretending for holidays that they were all a 'loving caring group of family' when they weren't and after that fake afternoon on Christmas was over, everyone would go back to ignoring eachother all year, completely uncaring about eachother.



So, he never liked holidays once he got old enough to consider it. Probably around 10 or 13, he said.



I told him last year, holidays are big for me. I told him what I want from them. I even told him we didn't have to celebrate every holiday, that stuff like 4th of July can be simple Bbq's and firework watchings if we wanted, but stuff like Christmas was huge and important.



Even if it just was the tradition aspect of it (we both agree and actually have some things to give towards making our own Christmas' special). But other holidays fall short. Valentines is a whole other story....... so is my birthday.



I have talked to him. He knows how I feel. I just don't quite know what to do anymore. I don't want to spend my whole life fighting over these things...



Like Tasha said - Come on, we all do stuff maybe we dont want to to make our partners happy, but really we should want to BECAUSE it makes our partners happy.



I think this statement is a general problem for him on a day to day basis. Him struggling to just generally do random things out of the bottom of his heart. And it makes me worry. I don't want to tell him how to act. I wish he would just love me enough to do it, like I do for him.

Tara - posted on 06/10/2011

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First off I think that you are jumping to conclusions about how he feels about holidays in general. Mothers day is different for some men, they honestly feel that you are not their mother and it's a holiday that has been only for their mothers and no one else all their lives.
So now it's shifting gears for him. Did you try talking to him before Mothers day this year and asking him if he thought about how you felt last year and if he needed any suggestions about what to get you etc.?
I get the feeling you reacted a little harshly, especially if you were over the top about how he doesn't like holidays and you do.
Has he actually said "I don't like Christmas or Easter or Fathers Day"
He is new at this parenting and relationship with kids thing, it might be easier for you to just fall into a pattern of what your life and ideals are, but he might have his own experiences and his own feelings about them that are different from yours, that doesn't make them wrong, just different.
Talk with him not to him.
That's the best I have.

Tasha - posted on 06/10/2011

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I would ask him what he wants, since he doesnt feel mothers day is a special day, ask if he thinks fathers day is. If he wants to be celebrated as a dad, if he doesnt i think that says alot. I know us ladies take this more seriously, usually, than guys, but he should at least understand how important it is for you to feel special on moms day, and everyday. Come on, we all do stuff maybe we dont want to to make our partners happy, but really we should want to BECAUSE it makes our partners happy. But to cut to it, id go with dorota, or something like it. Tell him hes kind of a jerk and that he should spend the day with his children to get some perspective, while you do something for you. Good luck

Jenn - posted on 06/10/2011

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I don't consider Father's Day a holiday. We don't really do much for each other on those days, a card and a little something small - like I got some hanging baskets for the front porch. I'll probably get him a summer outfit because he needs it.

Dana - posted on 06/10/2011

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Well, if he repeatedly forgot Mother's Day then I'd say forgo Father's Day but, since he's new to this and just missed this first one.... I say go all out, make it a nice day, make him feel happy and proud to be a father. Then at the end of the day, say "wasn't that nice, that's what I missed on Mother's Day". Don't do it in a vindictive way or he'll be defensive but, do it in a way that makes him see how much it would mean to you too.

Becky - posted on 06/10/2011

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I like Kelly's idea! :) My dh kind of blew my first Mother's Day, but he didn't completely ignore it at least. He learned his lesson! :) Is he the type who will feel guilty if you go all out for Father's Day? If so, I'd say, lay it on thick! If not, I'd be tempted to ignore it, although that might just make him feel justified in ignoring your day... soo, I don't know what to do! Whatever you think will work best to make him realize how you felt.

[deleted account]

You know, I've always said that Father's day should come right BEFORE Mother's day so we could show them how it's done. It had to be a man who lined those days up because the guy always under-performs on Mother's day, then the mom totally over works herself on Father's day so he'll know what to do next time, but by the next Mother's day, a full year away, he's totally forgotten. So the guy always gets an awesome day, and the mom always gets a mediocre one : /

Anyway, I'd probably ignore Father's day for him. It is only going to make you feel resentful if you go all out knowing he didn't acknowledge your day....Do you have your dad that you could celebrate with? That way you still get the joy of the holiday without rewarding him when you are upset.

Or....If you're feeling vindictive, tell him that since he didn't give you Mother's day, and hasn't made it up to you yet, you are taking Father's day. He said he'd make it up to you--make him do it on Father's day!

Jocelyn - posted on 06/10/2011

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Sara that's what I do. If DH forgets something, I go all out when it's his turn and make him feel really guilty :S Then I go buy myself an awesome present.

Lady Heather - posted on 06/10/2011

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I don't expect a TON for Mother's Day, but I'd better be getting a meal cooked for me and I'd better get to sleep in. This year I got a cozy blanket to match our new couch because pregnant Heather likes to be on naked on the couch in a blanket. Okay, so I keep some undies on. But I digress...

I am not normally the vindictive type, but if Mother's day was entirely ignored I would be rather tempted to ignore Father's day. Or maybe because I enjoy it so much, I would go to the car show myself without him.

[deleted account]

I say show him how it's done. Make father's day so good that he feels terribly guilty for skipping mother's day.

Johnny - posted on 06/10/2011

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I'd ignore it. Personally I'd be pissed. May not be taking the high road, but the high road doesn't always give all that much satisfaction. My husband is pretty lame about Mother's Day. But at least this year he went out and got me a card from my daughter (she's almost 3) and a plant. Better than nothing. I still ended up cooking my own brunch though. We'll be leaving my MIL's for an 8 hour road trip home for Father's Day. I'll probably just give him what he gave me, a card from our daughter and a potted plant (which he'll be a bit annoyed by just like I was, lol).

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