Giving your baby up, to make your husbad happy?!

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 12/29/2010 ( 39 moms have responded )

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There was a program on last night

This asian women who was married to an Asian man, had an affair with a Black man. Well she ended up getting pregnant from the affair. The man she was having the affair with turned out to be married and did not want anything to do with the baby. Her husband wanted to stay with her and try and work things out but could not stand the constant reminder of the affair by looking at the baby (because he was mixed) So she gave her baby up for adoption! That really bothered me because that baby did not do anything wrong. I could not have given up my baby!

What do u ladies think about this?

Could u have given your baby up in order to stay with your husband?

Because regardless of the father of the baby. That child still grew in your stomach and you bonded with the baby. What do u think?

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[deleted account]

"That baby is completely innocent. Why punish the baby?"

See...this is where I disagree. I don't think the baby is being punished if the baby was placed in a loving and WANTED home. Obviously I cannot speak on behalf of the woman involved, but add raging post-partum hormones and shame, she was probably ill-equiped to care for this baby. I personally think she did the right thing for the baby's sake.

Sharon - posted on 12/29/2010

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I knew a woman this happened to.

You're not talking about a baby conceived in love that was desired and sought after. It was an accident, conceived in lust from a situation that was nothing but physical pleasure.

why would you bond to a baby conceived and born in that scenario?

this is really hard for me to wrap my head around. I wouldn't do it. I also wouldn't continue a pregnancy in that situation.

IF i were to have an affair, and then decide I loved my husband and found out I was pregnant with the lovers child, I'd have an abortion and stfu. I would "develop" a painful female condition that prevented me from having sex for the next six months, get std checked repeatedly and shape the fuck up.

The woman I knew this happened to, was a gold digging bitch. She had a great husband who adored her and their baby but that wasn't good enough for her and she whored around until she managed to catch one unaware and got pregnant. he straight up told her that if she came back into his life with that baby in tow he'd drag her into the desert and kill her. I don't blame him. sorta. he was an ass, she was a bitch. the whole situation was NASTY.

her husband was working on forgiving her, but he couldn't stand the "idea" raising the lovers baby. She freaked out about losing her house, income, marriage, car, etc. decided to give up the baby .. omg the whole thing was so friggen nasty. I'm pretty sure she "sold" the baby at least once. After the baby was born the husband got over the lovers' baby issue and they decided to keep the baby boy. Then she pulls her crap again and cheats on him blatantly and he divorced her, got custody of both kids and disappeared. Good for him.

Shauna - posted on 12/30/2010

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My husband found out he had a child 1 month after we were married. The child was 2 yrs old the mother waited that long to test to see whos it was. It was a total shock. At first i was furious, b/c he found out it was a possibility it was his while we were engaged and didnt tell me b/c he was afriad i would leave. He didnt want anything to do with the child as their relationship was bad and drug related. I insisted he needed to be in the child life, we saw that child for 1 yr. it was CHAOS. The mother has a crazy lifestyle, the boy called several guys dad, she caused our life to be a living hell, and nothing we did could make the sitation better. It wasnt helping the little boy at all only making his messed up life worse with us in it. We tried getting full custody, but the lawyer warned it pro wouldnt happen so we gave up. It bothered me for a long time that my husband gave up so fast on seeing this child, he finally explained to me, i just cant love him, i cant give over the hate i have for his mother, and since the child was 3 when he first met him there was no connection, he couldnt force himself to love this child he never knew as his. So 1 yr later, we have our own son now, and my husband is the most loving tentive dad he could be. The love he has for our son is amazing, they have such a close bond. So in circumstances, i can see where infidelity, and other women or men and such can cause such a huge deal in a relationship. My husband pays childsupport to this child, but we have no contact to him or his mother, and thats the way she wants it and also him. After 1 1/2 yrs of battling and putting so much strain on our marriage, ive come to the conclusion its best this way as well.

Lindsay - posted on 12/30/2010

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There are so many things wrong with this picture but the one positive thing I can find is giving the baby up for adoption. I'm not sure why anyone would think giving the baby up for adoption is somehow a punishment to the child. It's getting the innocent child out of this ridiculous situation and putting her/him in the arms of a loving family that will give that child unconditional love. We have several adopted children in our extended family so maybe that's why I view adoption as a positive and not a punishment. Their adoptive parents love them and how they were conceived or what situation they were in prior to the adoption isn't of concern to them. These are their children that they love and cherish regardless of how they came into the world.

The mother of this child could not possibly be a good mental state with all of the drama surrounding the baby to give it the life it deserves. The baby would be the one to ultimately suffer having to deal with the drama of the situation that it's completely innocent of had the mother tried to keep the baby.

Krista - posted on 12/30/2010

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Obviously I wouldn't cheat in the first place.

But theoretically, it would be a no-win situation, wouldn't it?

Either you keep the baby, and your husband leaves you, or you give the baby up for adoption and resent your husband for the rest of your days for making you do that, while he resents you for cheating and putting him in that position to begin with.

Basically, the odds are pretty good that the marriage is over, no matter what you do. So at that point, if you've bonded with your baby, you might as well keep him/her, because that baby is your lone consolation prize in the colossal fuck-up that is your life.

39 Comments

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Rosie - posted on 12/31/2010

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i don't know what i'd do. i don't think i could give up a child for any man though. i'm pretty sure i would keep it.

Vegemite - posted on 12/31/2010

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You make your bed you lay it, harsh but that's the way it is. I don't know if I would have chosen adoption over being a single Mum though I've never had to even think about it.

Becky - posted on 12/31/2010

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I don't think that adoption is punishment for the child by any means. And I don't think that in her situation she did the wrong thing, or that it would be the wrong thing for anyone else to do. I just know that for me, it would be the wrong thing to do. Having to give my child up would be too much punishment for me. I wouldn't get over it and I would resent my husband, and the marriage would not end up working anyways.
Then again, I would never cheat, so it's really a moot point.
If I were raped and got pregnant as a result, and carried the baby to term (which I probably would because of my personal beliefs about abortion), then I might place the baby for adoption. But really, having never been in that situation, I can't say what I would end up doing.

Shauna - posted on 12/31/2010

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Just because a women cheats doesnt always mean shes not in love with her spouse. Sometimes a trip to a pychologist is what this women needs, it may be her own self that she has problems with, low self esteem etc etc the list can go on. I dont condone cheating but sometimes there is a bigger picture than whats being told.

Natasha - posted on 12/31/2010

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I am truly ashamed of the mother. Not for giving her baby up for adoption, but for getting herself into this situation in the first place. I am a firm believer in if you are not happy in your marriage you leave before you cheat. My husband and I have had that conversation more than once. We agree that if we ever fall out of love, or feel the need to move on that we would do that instead of cheat, is it weird that we discuss stuff like this? That being said, I think that giving the baby up for adoption was the best decision. I don't think that the husband was out of line for telling her that he could not love the child as if it were his own, he was merely being honest. And this way the child will get a chance to have a family where both parents love it and won't judge it based on how it was concieved.

Michelle - posted on 12/30/2010

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Well in the show the woman in question admits that she didn't know who the father was. It was a 50/50 that it was her husbands and that is why she went through with the pregnancy, but during the entire pregnancy she was miserable and scared, not happy or excited about being pregnant. Her husband was thrilled they were finally having a baby, he was there in the delivery room when the baby was born.. Out pops a little boy that definately wasnt his. The husband just got up and walked out. He didn't say a word to his wife, just left.

[deleted account]

I guess it's just me as the minority opinion here-and I'm OK with that. I just simply could not raise a child that was a product of an affair. It was a child born out of lying, lust, and cheating. Not born out of want or love. I could imagine myself being resentful towards that child, even if the marriage was unsalvageable and resulted in divorce. It's not fair to a baby to be unwanted by their mother based on her own selfish and stupid choices. And to be quite honest, I would offer the baby for adoption to a wanting and loving couple. Or, if still in early pregnancy, the pregnancy would be temrinated.

Lacye - posted on 12/30/2010

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Personally, I wouldn't cheat to begin with. I'm not that type of person. But if I was ever in a situation like that, I would not give up my child for some man. Not no but hell no. Screw that! My child comes before any man!

Michelle - posted on 12/30/2010

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I saw the show that to OP is talking about. The couple in question are both Chinese. The husband was born there and came to the US in college. It is a different culture. The wife's reason for cheating was becuase of the cultural aspects on men and women in the chinese culture and she didn't like that way of thinking. The couple had tried to get pregnant in the past but she kept having miscarriages. So when she did end up pregnant she didn't tell him about the affair. He didn't find out until the baby was born as a mixed/black/chinese baby. When she went to the man she had the affair with, his wife anwsered the door, (married 15 years and also pregnant) she didn't know he had a wife. The man claimed she was crazy. So she called her best friend(her husband) they talked about things and decided try and work it out. But the husband decided that having to raise a child from his wife's affair was impossible. They went to counselling, the counselor is on the show stating that only 1% of couples who save their marriage after infidelity keep the child in question. The adopted the baby out to a biracial couple black/chinese. After over a year of counselling they tried for a baby and had a little girl... It was also an open adoption and they plan on introducing the brother and sister some time soon....



Now that I have given the recap. Let me say that my husband had an affair. We have been working it out, going to counselling and things are going great. There are a lot of good days and some bad days. It is just like any other marriage. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. The hardest part is learning to trust again, but it is possible, if you truely love that person. And there is a possible child from my husband's affair. We have already discussed it. He is to have no contact with that child. Period. If it is even hism no DNA test to date.

Desiree - posted on 12/30/2010

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I suppose it all depends on the person, thinking a little about it I would either leave him but if I didn't and decided to give my marriage another go maybe I would give up the child instead of take the risk that the child might be abused, and neglected by the husband. Imagine growing up in a home where the man you think is dad can't stand you, hits you, gives you emotional up hill and neglects you! I would rather my child went to someone who loves him and wants him than take that kind of a chance.
I know of a case here in South Africa, where the mother found herself pregnant, still studing, living at home and no where else to go having lived a very sheltered Catholic Life ( yes this does still happen) where the father is king. She loved the father but knew neither were ready so she gave him up and my Step sister was finally able to have a child as neither her nor her husband can have children and they didn't want to adopt out of their race. or should I say she would have but he wouldn't, its a matter of choice. Needless to say this child is a most wanted and loved child and wants for nothing in his life.
We have to look at all the possibilities before we turn and say yes or no...

Shauna - posted on 12/30/2010

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I dont think the baby is being punished by being put up for adoption. But rather given to a more loving family where resentment isnt a factor. IF this couple wants to work things out, having a constant reminder of the situation is going to caus constant fights and that is no place for a child to be born into.

[deleted account]

Th ebaby was adopted out, so off to a hopefully happy happy life for teh child. Now I hope the mother gets some much needed therapy to deal with the infidenlity, relinquishing her child, and overall drama for even showcasing her story on television. It was an attention seeking move, and whatever the results may be (divorce or marriage) she needs counseling to help her move past this chapter of her life.

Amanda - posted on 12/30/2010

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if it were me, i would keep the baby because if i had cheated then i didn't really love my husband or respect our relationship..... however, i think the baby is much better off with an adoptive family then with a family that doesn't love him. if the mother kept him she would likely resent him for the rest of her life and treat him as such, that's no way to be raised. so the child being innocent in this situation, adoption was not punishment it was a wise decision and a win win situation for the baby.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 12/30/2010

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I don’t think Adoption is punishment by any means…How can it be? If a child is with someone who doesn’t want it, or cant stand the look of it, that child could be in danger, or have a very sad life, in some cases a child is way better off with other people…



I wouldn’t have given mine up, but then again if i was actually in that situation, i just might... if i didnt that means I would have had to leave my hubby….because it would not go over right in my house to have a baby with someone else...no room for forgivness

Lindsay - posted on 12/30/2010

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I was a teen mom but I am definately not of the adoption is punishment camp. ;-)

Sharon - posted on 12/30/2010

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I'm wondering how many of the post'ers who claimed "adoption is punishment" for the baby are teen moms or were teen moms.

Adoption is NOT punishment. Frankly its the best for the baby.

[deleted account]

Definitely keep the baby. If your marriage was screwed up enough to have an affair.... getting rid of YOUR child is not going to solve anything. While the affair was probably an incredibly stupid move.... I couldn't/wouldn't live w/ a man who would want me to get rid of my baby regardless of how he/she was conceived.

September - posted on 12/30/2010

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No I could not give my baby up. She chose to cheat and should have owned up to her responsibilities!

Bonnie - posted on 12/30/2010

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No, I wouldn't be able to give my baby up. And in this case, it is her fault for having an affair anyways, she should care for her baby.

[deleted account]

I posted aobut this topic on another mothering board I belong to. So, here is my copied & pasted response:

But to play Devil's Advocate, I personally don't think I could raise a child that was a product of my infidelity and ask my husband to be supportive of this child, and treat this child fairly. I think I would resent that child and it would not be born out of love. It would be born out of lies. I know this may open a can of worms with what I'm about to say, but if this was a true scenario in my life, I may consider an abortion.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then I was told that all this unfolded AFTER the baby was born, so here is my response to that:

If it was the case of learning the baby was not my husband's AFTER the baby was born, I might consider adoption. Same reasons as I mentioned: I could not raise a child that was was a product of lies & deception. Not fair to the innocent baby if I was the cheating whore. I'd probably treat the baby very differently than the child who is a product of me & hubby. Even if I thought the baby was hubby's throughout the entire pregnancy. So yeah, adoption is probably one consideration, or relinquish parental rights to the bio dad. I would also have to take into consideration if my marriage was salvageable or not. Many couples can and do rebound and rebuild after infidelity. But add a love child into the mix? Not sure if that would be too much for my husband to forgive. I guess I should be grateful I'll never be in this position.

[deleted account]

It depends. The baby might be better off with adopted parents than growing up in that situation. If they had existing children I can understand why she wouldn't want them to grow up without their dad? You would have to consider the best interests of all the children involved.

C. - posted on 12/30/2010

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I think that's wrong. Plain and simple, it's wrong. First of all, she shouldn't have done what she did BUT you're right. That baby is completely innocent. Why punish the baby?

Tara - posted on 12/30/2010

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Better for her to give it up for adoption to a loving couple who can't have children than for her to abort or to keep the child and have her husband hate it for no reason other than it being someone else's child.
I think if she did it for the sake of saving her marriage and that baby is going to be loved and cherished by his adoptive parents, then who is getting hurt by this?
I couldn't do it, myself but I admire her for being able to carry this child, give it life and let it go to a loving family.

[deleted account]

I wouldn't cheat in the first place.
But lets just say we had decided on no more kids and something went wrong and i fell pregnant and if hubby said it was him or the baby then i kick his arse out so fast. I doubt he'd do it thought bec ause he loves his kids more than anything.

Joanna - posted on 12/29/2010

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I think the baby is best being given for adoption, rather than being raised by a man who resented them and couldn't love them the way an adoptive couple could.

Becky - posted on 12/29/2010

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Yikes, Sharon! In that situation, the poor baby would've been better off if she'd placed him for adoption!

Carolyn - posted on 12/29/2010

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do you know specifically what nationality the couple was, and where did they live ?

sometimes cultural values, beleifs and family systems play a huge role in decisions made in regards to marriage, children etc.

not saying it is something i would do, considering like the above poster said she was cheating, so must not have been terribly happy anyways. but then again people do stupid things out of stupidity and selfishness and live to regret them.

no the baby didnt do anything wrong, but if the mother is in a situation where it is culturally unacceptable to divorce/ seperate , giving up the baby would be best so that it could be raised by 2 loving parents, and not in a home where it is hated/resented by one.

[deleted account]

If it were me in the situation, I would have kept him! I definitely would not put him up for adoption. 9 months is a very long time to become bonded and have love for something that you have created to go and just "give away".... But I also can say that it probly was the best for the baby in that situation. I'd rather see him go to someone who wants him and would love and take care of him like he deserves, rather than have a mother who resents him. Poor thing. I hope he finds a loving family that will cherish him.

[deleted account]

wtf? if i were her i would be leaving the man, if i had an affair, obviously i didnt love him. I formed a bond the moment i found out i was pregnant. i couldnt just give my child away, thats ludicrous.

Becky - posted on 12/29/2010

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No, I don't think I could put my marriage over my child. And if I was having an affair, then how good was my marriage to begin with anyway? I'm curious if anyone knows any statistics for marriages where one spouse cheats and they try to work it out. How many of those do end up working out in the end? Because if I placed my baby for adoption to save my marriage and the marriage ended up failing anyway, I'd never forgive myself. And the marriage probably would fail, because I'd resent my husband for making me choose between him and my child. I can see his point of view, but it would still be MY baby, a part of me, and I think if he really loved me and wanted to work things out, he would learn to accept that.

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