Goodbye or No...

Desiree - posted on 03/27/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Just got some bad news again(getting really tired of this) and it got me thinking about a disagreement with one of my staff about death... Whether it is better to be able to say good bye to someone you love or whether it is better that they leave your life very suddenly? He said that he would prefer the person to be there one minute and gone the next.. I disagree having been in exactly those shoe more than once occassion I feel it is better to say goodbye it for me paves the way for acceptance and dealing better with death something I haven't been able to do since 1999 when my sister was killed. But I accepted my Grans death better because I was able to say goodbye to her.

My question which do you think you would prefer Goodbye or No...?

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Krista - posted on 03/27/2011

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I guess it depends on the circumstances. I'd hate for someone I love to have a long, painful lingering death and to suffer, just so that I can say goodbye and have some closure.

But by the same token, it IS an awful shock when someone you love dies, and can make the healing process a hell of a lot longer.

I guess my answer is that I would prefer for them to go quickly and not suffer, and I just have to make sure that nothing is ever left unsaid with any of my loved ones, because you just never know.

April - posted on 03/27/2011

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That's a hard question but of course everyone wants to say goodbye to the ones they love before they pass on but then again you wouldn't want them to suffer longer either.

I think the best solution is to make sure you always tell the ones you love how you feel about them every time you see them. Give them a hug, an i love you and a kiss before leaving them.

I've never experienced death in my life to anyone i was close too. So i'm afraid about how that would effect me. So i always make sure i tell the ones i love how much i care about them.

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Brandi - posted on 03/28/2011

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yes, I would prefer Goodbye. I didn't get to say goodbye to my grandfather and it took YEARS to get over. I felt it was my fault..

[deleted account]

I would want to say goodbye. In December '03-January '04 I lost both my mentor and my grandfather within 13 days of each other (my mentor passed December 27, 2003 and my Papa passed January 9, 2004). I was 17 years old and in my senior year of high school. It was REALLY hard, but I was happy that I got to say goodbye. I saw both on a regular basis, but I was still grateful for those last few weeks.

With my mentor, we knew she wasn't going to make it very long. Her stage 5 ovarian cancer was discovered when she went in for a physical so she could visit her family in Fiji over Christmas. She was immediately put in the hospital, but she died 3 weeks to the day after her diagnosis. The whole time she was in the hospital we knew she wasn't going to make it much longer. Instead of being sad, we had a party in her room every day. I curled up in her hospital bed with her and we all spent Christmas in the hospital. Her daughter got married in the hospital and 2 days before sh passed she got hte happy news that her daughter was pregnant. They named the baby after her (Emeli - pronounced like Emily). I spent nearly my entire winter break in the hospital (both my mentor and my Papa were in the same hospital - down the hall from each other as a matter of fact). It was very hard, but we were so happy to have that "party time" with her.

With my Papa, we actually thought he was going to get better. He had emphyzema from his chronic smoking and went to the hospital for a small cold. He was getting better, then one night he got pneumonia and he was gone the next morning. So we kind of got to say goodbye, but it was sudden as well. We lived an hour away from the hospital and by the time we got there they had taken his body to the creamatorium. The funeral home was very nice and understanding and had them bring his body back so we could see him. It was actually really good for me to see him in death. He wasn't suffering anymore and he wasn't struggling to breathe. It was really hard toward the end to watch my Papa, who was a very strong man both in precense and stature, struggle to do something as simple as breathe. I was very thereaputic to see him at peace and say good bye one last time.

Damn, now I'm getting tears remembering Emeli and Papa, but now they are good tears. I always remember the good times I had with them and I am honestly very happy they are no longer suffering. I just wish they had lived to see my kids because I am sure he would have loved them so much.

Tara - posted on 03/28/2011

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I would want the chance to say goodbye if possible. But that also depends on who is dying. If it were my hubby or my kids or my mom etc. I would certainly want to be there when they died, I would want to hold them in my arms and love them until their last breaths had faded into the room.
If it were my great uncle, a distant cousin, an aging relative, a terminally ill relative, it wouldn't matter to me as much whether I could say good bye or not.
For instance my uncle passed on this past winter, while I loved him I had not seen him in almost 6 years and did not feel the need to go to him in his last days. I can assure you he was not likely thinking about whether I was there or not to see him off.
But as hard as it would be to watch my closest loved ones die, I would rather be present and loving the whole way through.

Bonnie - posted on 03/28/2011

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For me it's bad enough to lose someone you truly care about and love as it is for most people, but I think saying goodbye makes losing that person even harder. You have this time knowing they are going to go and all you keep doing is telling them how much you love them, etc. It seems a lot more depressing. I would rather just be able to tell the person everyday how much I love them and how much they mean to me.

Sal - posted on 03/28/2011

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the only real personal experience i have is my nan and my hubbys nan, they were the same age but my nan died about 8-10 years earlier, i would of loved more time with her but seeing what that 10 years held for my hubbies nan it is my selfish desire not in her best interest, my nan just dropped dead, she didn;t suffer, i remember waving from her pourch waving as i left, i been to visit just because i wanted to see her no reason, it is a nice memory, my hubbies nan slowly died, strokes, leg amutated, slow slow death (4-5 days) after her feeding tube was removed, i wouldn;t wish it upon my worst enemy, she died a broken fragile lady basically unconciuos, he got to say good bye, but his last memories of her aren't the happy one i have of my nan,

i firmly believe in not ever leaving anyone with any doubt about how i feel everyday, my hubby is a cop. the fact is while we live in a relatively peaceful place, everytime he goes to work he might get killed, so i always tell him i love him when he leaves and he never leaves angry, if anything was to happen i know he would know how much he means to me (as everyone could be but those with loved ones in the forces cops army what ever know what i mean). I think it is far more important to live everyday as though it might be the last one you have with a loved one and not hope for a moment on their death bed to tell them...

Lacye - posted on 03/28/2011

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It's better to say goodbye. I got to say goodbye to my grandmother before she died, even though my family didn't want me to because I was pregnant and they didn't want to stress me. However, I didn't get to tell my favorite aunt (the same grandmother's sister) goodbye. It hurt like hell when she passed away and even now I'm crying a little bit because I do miss her so much. :(

Desiree - posted on 03/28/2011

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It's something I have wished for for the last 11 years. She was taken so suddenly. I was not allowed near the funeral home either I was pregnant with my son at the time. I did go to the church but it's not the same. And still today I keep expecting her to walk through the door. Amy I am so sorry you are going through this hard time, I will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers.

ME - posted on 03/27/2011

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I spent the last ten years of my grandmother's life 1000 miles away from her...I grew up on her farm, went on family vacations with her, talked to her almost every day from my dorm room in college...I don't think about it every day anymore (she passed away in 04), but it's very hard on me that I didn't get to say good bye...When the phone rang at 6 AM the morning we lost her, I knew she was gone before I answered it...I wish I'd been there with her and I wish I'd held her hand and hugged her and said goodbye...

Iridescent - posted on 03/27/2011

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I haven't hidden it, but it's been a really hard winter on me. There are only a couple places I talk about it.

Jane - posted on 03/27/2011

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I've been through both and honestly, I prefer the quick and over method HOWEVER not if it was a tragic ending.

What I mean is that my dad died suddenly of a heart attack when I was 17 years old (I'm 52 now) and while it was hard, I knew my dad loved me and I had no regrets. He went quick and peacefully. My grandmother and my brother both died of cancer (different kinds and obviously my gram was old - 85 and my brother was only 49) and it was so hard to see them suffer like that. IT SUCKED as a matter of fact. Yeah, I got to say goodbye to both but honestly, I was so wishing it would just be over for them.

Iridescent - posted on 03/27/2011

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I can see both views. My FIL had a heart attack and died about 5 years ago. They continued CPR even after we knew he was gone for over 2 hours, so his children would all have time to say goodbye. It was horrifying. Even though it's been so long, I was so sure last week I saw him when we were getting groceries that I stopped and my jaw hit the floor. I KNEW it wasn't him, but I was so sure when I first saw the guy...

I think whether it's sudden or not, it's hard. We were told our youngest daughter wasn't likely to get to 5 years old. Chances are not good for it, anyway. We hope, but it's hard to keep hoping when you go to the doctor 2-3 times most weeks and the news keeps getting worse, and the problems she has keep getting harder to cope with, and the medical interventions keep getting more and more. I don't want to accept this. It's a lifetime of torture, but it's one I can't give up on. Would I prefer she seem healthy for the same years we'd have with her, and an accident happens to take her from us at the same age she will go from this? No, I'd never wish that. But I'd like to be able to forget what we know and just be a normal healthy family, and not worry so much or feel so heartbroken any time her health changes. I'd like to be able to enjoy her as a little girl more, and forget all the medical things we can't forget that keep her with us.

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