grandparents requesting to spend time with grandkids and cancelling.

Momof2 - posted on 02/21/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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so (last week) my mother requested to take my oldest for the day on Monday and i (of course) agreed. now there was a snow storm on Sunday and she didn't feel like going out on Monday. ok understandable the roads and stuff are clear but it can still be a bit slippery and not all the sidewalks are done. so she wants him Tuesday instead ok I'm fine with that. but she forgot and wanted him Wednesday instead. the Wednesday she wanted to wait till Thursday when she gets paid. ok fine whatever they'll have a better time... then my sister got into a car accident (thankfully i was babysitting my nephew so he wasn't in the car. shes also fine but very shaken up. so today i definitely understand her not taking him. she went out and bought a few groceries and a few other things fo my sister (apparently spent 400$ on them.) and still wants to take my oldest for the day "some time" but cant afford it for at least 2 weeks.

keep in mind she asked me to take him it was her idea. I no longer want her taking him. My husband says that's not fair to her. i've been stuck in the house waiting to get postponed again and again and again. and now its just "some time" i dont think so. she can come visit us here.

am i over reacting. or should i just make the plans with her and not tell my son in advance (he has been disappointed 4 times this week already with no new plans.) I'm done getting him excited just to be the bad guy and say its not happening anymore.

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I never tell my son about plans with other people until right before--you can't depend on other people, they're always cancelling or postponing or whatever. As adults, we can deal, but kids are easily disappointed.

I get annoyed when people cancel plans without at least a day's notice, but really, she is offering to take your son for free so that you can have some alone time--I don't see the point in not letting her take him. She did postpone, and I know that's annoying, but most grandparents wouldn't just offer to take a grandchild for a few hours so mom can have some free time AND spend her own money on him. That was really sweet of her.

What would you accomplish by not allowing her to take him? You'd miss out on your free time, and your kid & mom would miss out on a great relationship. I'd just tell her that the constant postponing upset him and that if she'd still like to take him he'd love it, then spot her the cash so they can have a good time. Or suggest they just hang out at her house. My son loves just chilling at my mom-in-law's house. If she does want to take him for pizza or to a fun park, I pay for it anyway, so she wouldn't have to worry about not having enough money to have a good time.

Dee Dee - posted on 02/21/2013

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I don't think you are over reacting. Your mother keeps changing the day to spend the time with your oldest kid. I wonder why? She is your mom, right? I wonder you could ask her, and explain to her that her posponment inconvient you and disponted your child. i wonder what she will say. If she apologize, I think she will try to keep the appoitment next time, If not, I will set reasonable boundary which you and your child are confortable with. For me, reschedule one time a week is all I can handle. Tell your mom, the rest of the week your kid has something else planed. It may give your mom has a reason to stay with the plan.

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Momof2 - posted on 02/22/2013

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she asked to take him i was fine with it... i am more than capable of taking care of my own kids... she has on several occasions cancelled on babysitting last minute causing me to have to take my oldest to ultrasounds and other medical tests when i was pregnant or having to take both kids to a doctors appointment in the winter cold. (by which i mean i call her 20 minutes before the bus is to show up only to find out she wasn't coming at all. and i now need to rush to get both kids ready and rushed out the door by myself.)... I am the one who told my mother about the car accident. i love my sister and dont have any problems with her... i was watching her kid at the time of the accident there is no issue with sibling rivalry... my mothers money is hers to spend as she wants and i am glad she bought things to help my sister out. i mentioned that because it is the reason she now cant take him for at least 2 weeks.

imo she didnt offer to take him she requested it an offer is i'll take him if you woul like... a request is could i please take him.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 02/22/2013

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First, like Kelly said, your mother offered. Most grandparents wouldn't offer at all. They'd wait to be asked, and then some of them would make you feel like dirt for asking!

I understand that she postponed, but from the sounds of it, there were valid reasons each time, and if that were the case, then you need to be understanding of that.

Like Kelly, I never tell my kids (even now, at 15 & 18 years) what someone else is "planning". That word, "plan", usually indicates that it will fall apart at the last minute, in my experience. So, if my mom says "lets get together on Sunday", I don't tell my kids until that morning, after I've confirmed with her that the plan is still on. If my dad says "I'll be over next week"...I plan to MAYBE see him in a month, and again, don't tell the kids until he's confirmed that he's on the road to my house.

Here's the deal. You can dictate all you want to your mom about how you want things to go in regards to her spending time with your kid. BUT...she can also decide that your dictation is too much, and completely stop even offering. And I don't want to bring another dynamic into the picture, but why did it matter what she spent on your sister's needs after her accident? By throwing that in, you kind of sound like you're not only upset that your mother isn't consistent, but you're also upset because at least 2 of the postponements were due to her helping your sister after her accident...a little sibling rivalry overlap almost.

So, yes, I understand the frustration with multiple reschedules, been there. But I do think you're overreacting. Your mother WANTS to spend time with her grandchildren. But, some things come up! You can't help that life happens, and by deciding that (based on one week's events) you are going to cut off contact between your mother and your children unless she shows up at your house...not advisable. What if she decides that if you think that she absolutely must come to your house only, she's going to flop the other way and say "If you want me to spend time with my grandchild I will only do it at MY house"? You'd not appreciate that.

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