help....

Sal - posted on 02/24/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )

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i am in a position that i don;t like i'd like some ideas on how to handle it, i'll start with a little background first so sorry if i sound like i'm going on a bit.....

my son is from my first serious relationship, he turned 15 this week, his dad and i split when her was around 6 months old (yep 14 1/2 years ago) he and i had next to no contact since that time, he has had no contact wit my son either in that time he left the country and never paid maitinence not a birthday or xmas card, about 18months ago due to the joy of facebook he found my son and made contact. i had asked him to wait a while as there were enough big changed going on for my son at the time, (in got married, had 2 babies, we moved and he started high school) but he didn't he made a few lame messages then let it all slide (not i'm not impressed), i e-mailed him and let him know that as the adult it was his job to make the big effort, even if he got poor response keep it going,

fast forward until late last year he started emailing me, telling me how sorry he was about what i had gone through, blah blah blah. how he is moving back to aus with his family (yep wife and kids) and how it would be great to friends, i told him that open lines of communication was ok but i doubted we'd be friends, he then went on to tell me how his wife was jealous of me (yep 14 years of no contact and marrying someone else wasn't sending a clear enough message) and that she had reason to be as he still loved me (fuckwit) let him know it was a wasted point and not to even entertain the notion.....it was my sons birthday this week, the message he facebooked my son was "have a tinny on him" ( a beer....what the he is 15!!!) and that he loved him (yep ok with that) and "tell your mum i still love her" what can i do with that,

i feel bad for my son as feel his dad is only using him to get to me, and how can i make him understand i'm not anything to him, i told him in no uncertain terms, "it isn;t that i am angry or hurt, it is just that i don;t care anymore, the thing about being my ex is i don;t have to, i have my life and i am very happy, get on with your and live a happy life"

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Tara - posted on 02/24/2011

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I would be clear that if he wants a relationship with your son, he needs to foster that relationship without any strings attached, he must foster a bond with him, regardless of how you feel about him.
This is in no way your fault and is in no way your problem.
Tell him to keep his facebook messages to your son about your son!
Tell him not to email you unless it is regarding your son.
Keep it civil but point blank. If he persists, I would let him know that you are not above telling his current wife about his feelings for you.
This sucks for you, but if your son wants a relationship with his dad, you might just have to suck it up and see what happens.

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Sal - posted on 02/25/2011

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thanks guys,i'll just keep on keepin on as they say, i'm just so pissed that he makes it about me, it should be my son and his dad, i am out of that equation....how dare he put it in his birthday message.....

Rosie - posted on 02/24/2011

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i've always been afraid of this same situation!

i think the best route since he is old enough to understand, is to talk to your son about what is going on. see if he wants to see him, (i don't know if i would mention about your ex wanting you back), and how that makes you feel. i just know that no matter what i would not want to be the reason my son resented me for keeping him away from his bio-dad.

good luck!!

[deleted account]

I don't think there is anything you can say to him that would really help. I try to say and do what is best for my kids and my ex just thinks I am out to get him cuz I'm still hurt and angry. Granted, it's a totally different situation, but the point is that some people just don't see reason.

Sharon - posted on 02/24/2011

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I think you've handled it. The government bill that would be arriving in his mailbox seems to have set him back on his heels or hers.

Just look after your son. Smile and laugh "nothing has changed eh? A real dad is always there for his children aren't you glad I found a real dad for you and your siblings?" Something to that effect. I hope he bounces back from this.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/24/2011

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WOW! That is fucked up...Sorry I have no advice...just to be a great support to your son and ignore the son of a bitch. I would not contact his wife...if I was in her shoes I would not want to hear from the ex all the stuff her husband has been saying behind her back and "not ro worry".

Sal - posted on 02/24/2011

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funnily enough after i mentioned the fact he owes the govt 14 years maintinance to his wife there has been no ,more talk of moving here again....i have been pretty blunt with them to the point of rude, and he just thinks i'm still hurt and heart broken, he is just an idiot...

Louise - posted on 02/24/2011

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I agree with Tara I would find his wife on facebook and e-mail her with your side of things, that you want nothing to do with her husband and that the only reason you have not cut off contact is because you want your son to have the opportunity to get to know his father.

Let her know that you are stuck in the middle here and you do not want to cause upset. I am sure your husband will stop the e-mails about you especially if you forward them to the wife.

This man seems to be having an attack of the grass looks greener to me. I am sure his real life is pretty dull with bills to pay and chidren to support and he is day dreaming of the past. Give him a short sharp reality slap and the next time he contacts you tell him how much maintenance he owes!

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