help i feel abandoned

Aisha - posted on 06/07/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi.
Just want some advice please on how to deal with husband who has gone abroad.
I have 5 children including a teenager, a toddler and a new baby, so my husband deciding to go was a bad time, but in the end we agreed 4-5 wks would be ok..since he hasn't seen his mother for a few years.
After our discussion he went behind my back and booked his visit for 8 weeks?!
I couldn't believe it, I was soooo upset I mean its a looooong time to cope on my own, plus I would miss him soo much. I don't want to be without him that long. I insisted he change the date and he said he would when he got over there. I trusted he would do the right thing.
He didn't pay the bills before he went, do a big food shop or leave me any money. Told me to do what u want..borrow from someone..he simply dumped me right init with everything. Our children to take care, housework, shopping, bills, school runs, appointments etc...
Surprise surprise when he got there and a few weeks passed, he rang to tell me he would stay there, he might as well now hes there!!
Hes not asked how im coping. Even though I told him no ones been around. I have to leave the youngest two home alone in the cot when I do the school run, or go shops. Which kills me, but I have noonne who would help me out EVERYDAY! That person would have to move in!! if I get desperate I have to "DUMP" the kids with family but they have their own stuff...
It breaks my heart that the kids are suffering and hes not bothered. Hes travelling and enjoying himself while im running around keeping on top of everything! I also feel hurt like hes betrayed me. I trusted him. I don't think I want him back now. I told him not to bother coming back...
What do I do? Please help?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/07/2013

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well, first, you rethink some of your decisions right now. You're leaving the two youngest home ALONE while you take others to school or do your shopping run? Where I live, that is child neglect and endangerment, and I'd turn your butt in. I have turned my best friend in for the same infraction, because that is just plain not thinking on your part. And yes, that's damned harsh to hear, but it's the truth. Those babies COULD NOT SAVE THEMSELVES in case of emergency, and you'd be wrecked if something happened to them. So PLEASE at the very least, change that part of what you're doing right now.

As for the rest, your husband is a narcissistic asshole, and is thinking only of himself. Since he's revealed this side to you, you can prepare by starting to sock funds away for yourself and your children, in preparation for separation and divorce. He's disregarding you, your children and their (and your) needs, and that is not OK. He has effectively abandoned you, although you should be able to qualify for public assistance at the very least, in a temporary fashion, until you can figure out what's going on.

I recommend that you start making a plan to take care of yourself and your children, because your husband is not going to change without a lot of work and effort on both of your parts.

Before you do the ultimate thing and leave him, please do consider getting him to try relationship counseling to repair the deficiencies in the relationship as it stands.

Angela - posted on 06/10/2013

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This is shocking! Please don't leave the 2 youngest alone - ask neighbours for help, ask anyone - even take the little ones with you on the school run etc ... whilst still in their nightwear!

Please apply for welfare benefits as well, you shouldn't have to struggle financially simply because he upped & left. Was he a good provider before he went away? Did he have a job? Are they holding that job open for him until he returns? Did he help you around the home and with the children?

Sort out a routine at home where the older children can give a hand, draw up rotas. They might object but you're on your own now with these kids and it's all hands to the pump.

Good luck.

Dove - posted on 06/08/2013

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Being alone with 5 kids has sure got to be rough, but PLEASE don't ever leave your two little ones home alone... EVER. I'm assuming you have to have a vehicle big enough to have all 5 kids in at once... so you take the toddler and baby with you unless the teenager is home and responsible enough to care for the little ones. Is it hard? Sure, but could you live with yourself if there was a break in or a fire and you lost your babies to your negligence?

Perhaps you would qualify for financial assistance, food stamps, child care, etc... to help you get on your feet. People care for 5 kids on their own all the time and if you can't find a way to get it done and cope.... perhaps the kids would be better off living with someone else for the time being.

Your husband is a jerk for doing what he did, but you can not let your children suffer because of it. THEY come first. Period. Perhaps the relationship is salvageable with time and counseling, but either way.... you need to make sure those kids are properly cared for... with or without him.

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Mommy - posted on 06/14/2013

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I agree with the other posts...I actually feel somewhat obligated to report this, I think it is very unsafe.

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