Help! seeking advise on bullies, any comment appreciated

Loreana - posted on 08/23/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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My son is turning 6 this month and i have just recently allowed him to play outside the yard, but within our complex, since there are allot of shildren his age that also play within the complex, everything was fine until about two monthes ago when a new family moved into the complex. until than the # of children was about 6 and most were girls so fighting and swearing werent an issue all the kids played well together except some minor problems over toys. When the new family moved in they had four adults, two parents and two friends of family as well as 6 children 2 boys and 4 girls, the girls I don't see at all they are often in the house but the boys age 11 and 5 i see allot, they often play in the parking lot till around 10 or 11 at night. The first issues that started was the 11 year old threating to beat the younger kids and police were called, than I allowed my son to play DS with the 5 year old on my doorstep and he stole my sons game, needless to say i went and spoke to the mother and she said it was most likely the fault of the older chiild because he was many issues from being sent to foster homes because and she said she can't control him, since than my son comes inside crying four to five times a week cause the 5 year old punched, hit with skateboard, kicked, called him names or swore at him, the older one has no friends in the neighborhood so instead hangs aroung the 5 and 6 yearsolds in the complex, and has had the police called on him twice for threatening viloence on the other children, than yesterday my son went out to play and less than a minute later came back cause the 5 year old kicked him in the privates, after that i watched from my step and witnessed the 11 year old holding another 5 yearold neighborhood boy from behind and telling his 5 year old little brother to punch him and when the child started crying they immediatly started tickling him to make him stop, this went on for a few minutes til I told them to leave him alone or I would speak to there mother, about 30 minutes later my son asked if he could go see if one of his good friends was home, I told him to go and some back if he was, two seconds later i could hear him screaming for me so i ran outside and saw him running back home hysterical cause the 11 year old held my son and was telling his 5 year old brother to pee on my son. I consoled my son and immediatly went to their house and i said this, " The bahavior of your sons is getting out of control, they just did this and this to my son and I witnessed them doing this to another child all in the past hour, i said that the name calling and stuff i could deal with but that i draw the line at violence, that I do not under any circumstances allow my child to hit anyone for any reason. It was at this point she told me that the 5 year old only acts like that aroung the older son and the older sons behavior was because he was in foster care 3 times, and that she had heard my son say a swear word one day but she couldn't come running to tell me becasue she has four girls in the house to look after.i told her i appreciate it when anyone comes to my door to tell on my son for something cause that gives me the chance to rectify his behavior, and that swearing though it is a serious problem i was at her doorstop to stop the violence and that though i understand that she has allot of children to look after, its still her respnsibility to ensure her children are not bullying and hurting alll the other children, in our complex alone this monthe two good families moved away because of this family and two more will not let there children out of the yard. What do i do if these kids continue this behavior? ive lived here 3 years and am 15 days away from my 3rd childs birth and really don't want to move, am i wrong in thinking that these two boys are not just normal bullies and being scared that they could escalate? ive thought of letting the 5 year old come over for a movie or something to see if him and my son could be friends but my son is too scared of him, i also heard of a family that paid the biggest bully on the block to not bully there son, i dont know what to do but feel i have to protect him and dont want that to be by locking him in the house til he is 30, any advice would be appreciated.

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Jessica - posted on 08/24/2010

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If it was my son, I would call the owner of the complex and threaten legal action. They are his tenants and so it is his responsibility to ensure that they keep in line with the lease. I would then frog march the 11yr old to his parents front door and say, if this doesn't stop, not only will I be calling the police b ut I will be calling the social services and informing them of your questionable parenting method. I would then tell the parents that I will be teaching my son self defence and any damage done by my child to theirs is their own responsibility. I would tell them that if I EVER caught them hurting ym child again that I would personally be around to teach them a lesson in how to parent and manage children.

But I am an emotional person and that's just me.

Tah - posted on 08/23/2010

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ok..i was running..im back...you need to get the police involved...a 9 year old was breaking into cars around here and we are waiting on the line-up because the little cuss has my ipod...it's not violence but if these parents wont be responsible for their children when they are acting out like this...press charges...and put let your son know he needs to defend himself...it is no reason in the world this family should be running people put of the neighborhood...now i would tell you what i and my neighbors would have done....you guys should have gotten together and went to them and let them know that if this crap didnt stop you were all going to the cops together to file charges on both...and what in the world is her son doing in foster care 3 times.....what is going on over there...it cant be good

Sharon - posted on 08/23/2010

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1. call the police
2. get a restraining order
3. break out the video camera
4. talk to the remaining families and see if they'll back you up with reports and camera evidence for the police
5. talk to your apartment managers about the danger these kids pose to other kids and the lack of cooperation from the "mother" if your in house management does nothing, call the management company.

Lindsay - posted on 08/23/2010

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I can't imagine how frustrating that must be. This neighbor obviously doesn't seem to care what her children are out doing. For now, I would say to not let your child out their alone or unsupervised. I would just continue to notify police if these things keep going on. That is absolutely not normal behavior. You may even want to place a call into CPS because if these kids are outside night and day causing a fuss with everyone, their parents need a wake up call.

?? - posted on 08/23/2010

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Personally, I'd call the cops again, repeatedly. I would go so far as demand a restraining order against the boy. Which could very well force them to move out of the complex. There's no way in hell I'd let it go or be forced out of my home.

Call the cops the next time you see something, explain everything that the boys have done. If they only 'talk to' the boy and mother then tell them you will call them again the next time it happens. I'd continue to call the cops until the kid gets help. Therapy, something. Cause that is seriously fucked up. Call the cops is all I can say.

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Jessica - posted on 08/24/2010

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Again, I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, Call your landlord. They have a LEGAL obligation to ensure their residents live in a SAFE environment. If this family is not sticking to their lease (and it certainly sounds like they are not), then the landlord has an obligation to kick them out and will have the law behind him. Just keep complaining about them until he has enough reason to legally kick them to the curb.

Jenni - posted on 08/24/2010

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I agree with everyone saying to call the cops/restraining order... etc. this is beyond normal bullying. talking to the mother won't help she obviously doesn't know how to handle her kids and beings she's making up excuses for their behaviour. Isn't willing to learn or change either.

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Sounds like that 11 year old has alot of personal issues going on. It could be a number of things stemming from him being in foster care, the possibily of being abused (physically or emotionally), its too difficult to say but he really could cause harm to your child. I think maybe you should contact your local children & families services and report the family because its the parents responsibility to control their child and is obvious that mom is not, irregardless whether or not she has other children, its not the point, this child is hers and she needs to be responsible for him and his actions.

All jokes aside, I personally would not allow my child to play with either the 5year old or the 11 year old. Its evident that the 5year old is influenced by the older brother. It also appears that the parents of this 11 year old really doesn't care about his well being because if she did, then this behavior would not occurring.

I don't think you should move, I think you need to talk to your child and let him know that he shouldn't be afraid of these kids. I know the economy is bad but have you thought about maybe putting him in some self defense classes. When my son was younger (5yrs to 8yrs old), I put him into kick - boxing classes.

My son used to get picked on when we first moved into an apartment complex but my son didn't stand for it and kicked the 2 kids a**es, and my son was 8 years old at the time and the two kids were 12 & 13. I don't promote violence but sometimes you need to protect yourself and self defense classes will payoff in the long run. I think your son will benefit from taking a self-defense class and also make some new friends.

Congrats on your addition to your family. Best of luck.

Val - posted on 08/24/2010

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my daughter got bullied by our neighbours two foster children it was a terrible time for her we involved the police but the kids just lied all the time it was the best thing ever when they moved away and i know people say you should forgive and forget but i will never do either

Tah - posted on 08/23/2010

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i would also like to add that i am glad my parents have 14 grandchildren..i have somebody for any age group that wants to feel froggy with any of my kids....just saying...just say the word...

Stifler's - posted on 08/23/2010

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Call child services and get them removed. Not disciplining your child is just as much abuse as anything else if you ask me. Personally, being my irresponsible parent self would get a friend of the family's kid around the same age over to beat the shite out of the other kid. But that's just me.

Rosie - posted on 08/23/2010

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i like jo's advice. she's obviously an unfit mother if her child has been in foster care 3 times. and she blames it on the foster care? what a fucked up way to think!! keep on calling the cops, and limit your sons playing area. try taking him to parks or something for more recreational freetime, i know that's hard to do with multiple children, but if it helps your son it's worth it.
also it sounds like you live in an apartment complex? talk to your landlords, try to find ANY behavior that would make it so these people would be evicted. ususally kids like that like to destroy property as well, keep an eye out for that.
until then, good luck, and i'm sorry your child has to go through it!!

Lucy - posted on 08/23/2010

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Wow, this sounds beyond bullying to me. The 11 year old is displaying some pretty worrying behaviour, if you ask me, and his little brother will be following the same way if their Mum doesn't intervene.

Although your natural response might be to get mad with the mum and/or the kids, I would advise exercising restraint. Feuds with neighbours can escalate so easily, and if the eldest is unpredictable you could have some real problems on your hands.

My approach would be to begin by restricting your son to your yard, with other kids invited over to keep him from feeling like he is being punished, whilst you try to befriend the mum. It doesn't sound like she has responded to you in an aggressive way, and she seems to acknowledge that the older boy has some behavioural problems, so maybe she is just struggling and could use a friend? Invite her and the boys over so they can play with supervision (and your son has the back up of you being there) Try to find out if the eldest is getting any therapy/counselling/support from a social worker, and (kindly) suggest it if he isn't. Are there any clubs or activities in your area you could suggest for the 11 year old, like boxing or football, so he could make friends his own age and separate himself from being the "boss" of his brother and the other little ones? You can be friendly and supportive to her whilst making it clear that you cannot continue to accept your child feeling unsafe in his own stomping ground.

If things don't improve with your best efforts, I would be contacting child services. This is definitely a last resort, but in the end it may be the best thing for both your children and the bullies themselves. i hate to think what kind of adult the 11 year old may turn out to be if someone doesn't intervene.

Good luck! Let us know what you decide to do and what happens :)

?? - posted on 08/23/2010

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Keep in mind that getting hit in the privates can cause serious, permanent damage. Let him out to play, keep an eye on him when they're playing and if you ever see something remotely close to them harming a child - it is assault. Especially if they have been told before and it has been explained to them many times that they're hurting children, they KNOW that it's harmful. You keeping an eye on them and calling the cops could very well prevent some child getting seriously hurt and could get that child the help they need before they grow into an adult that things hurting people is acceptable...

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