Here We Go Again.....

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[deleted account]

See, I don't think it's rude to ask what the baby's ethnic background is. If I'm admiring a baby and the mother is caucasian, but the baby clearly is not, I don't see how it's rude to inquire about the father's background. I think it's a great way to learn and acknowledge our differences and I certainly wouldn't mean any disrespect by it. Maybe I need to rethink my approach?!!

Jaime - posted on 05/29/2011

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I agree with Dmak...I don't think it's rude at all. Although I suppose it depends on the manner in which the question is posed. But generally speaking, who cares if a stranger inquires about your child's ethnicity? We can talk a good streak about equality and acceptance of all ethnic backgrounds, but the second someone approaches and inquires about it, we're automatically reduced to 'it's none of their business and race shouldn't matter'. That feels a bit like jumping the gun to me. My son is whiter than a ghost's ass and I'm betting it would surprise the lot of you that he's part Lebanese. Both of his sisters are tan-skinned and he's my super Caucasian Arabian. Obviously no one is approaching me and asking about my son's ethnic background because it's assumed that he's Caucasian through and through. My point being that with many nations accross the world becoming more and more multi-cultural, it's not such a bad thing to pay a verbal homage to the individual ethnicities that make up these gorgeous children we are having!

[deleted account]

Is it wrong to ask someone what nationality/race their child is if it's clearly not the same as one of the parents?

Jaime - posted on 05/30/2011

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I agree that there is a difference between a simple inquiry and someone being rude on purpose. My general consensus is that most people, are the former.

Amie - posted on 05/29/2011

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Ok there is a difference between a simple inquiry and someone being flat out rude! Ebony - I hope you kicked them in the bits.

I have no issue with people asking. My son is the only one who has even a little bit of my colouring. He also looks like a darker mini me of his father. My girls, every one of them are whiter than sour cream. Our 1st looks a little like me but you'd have to know us well to pick up on it. Our 2nd is a carbon copy of her father. Our 3rd girl looks the most like me. I've been asked if I'm their mother (oldest 3) a couple of times - no one has ever been rude asking it though so it hasn't bothered me.

I have had some people (people we knew because they lived in our neighborhood) be flat out rude when referring to my children. Those are the times I will take offense and lose my nut.

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Emma - posted on 05/31/2011

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I agree that it depends how it is asked as to whether I would find it rude or not. I am caucasian and my husband is Burmese so both my children have beautiful tanned skin. I have been asked a few times where their dad comes from, but usually they have first said something like, 'oh don't they have a beautiful skin tone'. I sometimes find it annoying when ppl ask me all the time about the children's race, but I don't really find it offensive.

[deleted account]

Hmmm....I'm not sure I've ever been in the situation where a parents and baby were different races...other than people I know that have adopted...and I knew them so I didn't have to wonder or ask.



But I suppose it could be compared to having a child with a disability (in the way that people will stare and wonder...not saying race is a disability). I have a friend with a 2 year old who is tiny, not walking or talking, and blind. I ran into her at the grocery store and she was in tears, because some old lady had obviously been staring at her daughter. She told me that she'd rather people just politely say, "Hi, what's going on with your daughter?"... instead of staring.

Rosie - posted on 05/30/2011

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i guess i dont' get why it's so rude either. i've never done it cause of this site actually. i've seen way to many women on here complaining that they get asked so much. now i wouldn't just ask what race the child is, but i would ask "is that your child? he's beautiful" now i wouldn't go into the race thing because i'd be afraid of someones reaction, but honestly, what's the big deal? i like putting a culture or heritage to what someone looks like. it's neat to me to see the many different people within our society. IDK, i think people blow stuff out of proportion.
i've heard MANY women on here griping about that, and i simply dont' understand how complimenting their kid is rude.

now obviously if someone were to be rude and ask what are you doing with that white kid and you are a black woman or something to that effect, yeah be pissed all you want. but other than that, people are probably just trying to make conversation.

[deleted account]

I don't really think it's rude.
I'm not sure if "Is this your child?" or "Are you his mom?" count as asking, but it seems like what Ebony is talking about.

I get that A LOT around here--It could be because my son has red hair and blue eyes, and I'm Native American, but that is likely the last thing on their mind. Mostly, they ask (as do I) because in this area, you have just as many Nannies with kids as you have mommies with kids. It is helpful to know the relationship if you want to have a conversation or set up a date to meet again.

Second, I HATE the idea that we should all pretend that we are all the same, just a like--We are NOT. All of the different skin tones, accents, etc., come with their own histories, traditions, and cultures that need to be preserved. If we pretend that we are all the same, those sacred things will be lost forever. Maybe not all cultures value their histories and traditions, but mine does, and while I did go through a phase where I wanted to be "white", I am very proud of my ethnicity and the ways it sets me apart from others. I also love to learn about other ethnicities, their foods, holidays, etc. Why hide them or pretend they don't exist? They are so wonderful!

[deleted account]

I'm with Miss Manners on this one. It is rude to bluntly ask something like this. The only thing you should be saying is "Oh what a beautiful baby!"

Is that really so wrong?

Barb - posted on 05/30/2011

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This reminds me of a bit that Wanda Sykes does. I love her!! She talks about her wife, a french white woman. They have twins and the twins are white, a boy and a girl. I am not sure if they adopted the twins or if her wife went IVF.. either way, doesn't matter.

She points out the twins don't look anything like her. So she likes to play a game when they are out shopping together. Act like she is sneaking up on her wife, steal one of the babies and see how close to the door she can get before she gets stopped.

[deleted account]

I personally have never approached another mother about the racial make-up of their child. It simply is not my business and I'm really not all that curious. But if yo urecal a thread a month or so ago, you'll remember I said that I have a pretty good rapport with my students. Some of them tell me stuff that they don't share with their families. One example is from a gorgeous biracial (black/white) young lady. She was telling me that people ask her all the time "Who's white and who's black?" So she tells them, and end of story. She does say that sometimes it gets tricky becasu eher parents are divorced, and her Black father remarried to a Black woman and she has 2 half-sisters. So of course the skin tones are very different. But this young lady smiled and said, "But *I* have Black hair so that's all that counts!" I think ATTITUDE is everything, and this young lady's attitude about her self-image will get her far in this world. Another example I posted was form months ago, about a Mexican/White student who had such a white complexion, but a traditional Hispanic name. He felt like his name didn;t match his skin/identity. But these are teenage perceptions; certainly not something I ever would discuss with another mother.

[deleted account]

Ya, you're right....I don't know what that must feel like and I'm sorry that your feelings have been hurt. People can be douche bags. I used to be somewhat sensitive about my scar, and I suppose I've just become immune to the stares, and comments when people have made them. Some uber stupid comments.

In the first year my scar was REALLY visible and red and I was at Hallmark one day shopping for cards and then cashier asked me, "Oh, do you have a cat?" and I answered, "No, why?" and she proceeds to explain to me that she assumed I had a cat because if not, she asked, "well, what scratched you?" Ugh, people are so silly.

Another dude, at Subway, looked up from behind the glass with this worried look on his face and says, "OMG! Here's a napkin.....you have blood dripping down your face!" Chad (my boyfriend/Roxanne's dad) pipes up jokingly and says, "Ya, that's what she gets when she talks back!" Hahaha, you should have seen the kid's face. PRICELESS!

I hope things get easier for you, Ebony.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/29/2011

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Don’t get me wrong now, I have yet the need to cuss or yell or glare at someone…well sometimes I glare..LOL

but none the less I can see the questioning in their eyes as to who I am, and as a mother you don’t want that (in the beginning 14motnhs ago it really hurt my feelings) especially when you have people just flat out ask you “Who’s baby is that” I have had 3 women and 1 man ask me that..Worded a little different but the bottom line was “You cant be his mother”. You wont ever know what that feels like (Unless you have a biracial child who looks almost nothing like you) and yeah it’s somewhat the same as people looking at you with curiosity BUT these stares involve my son, not just me, curiosity is fine, I would be to.

I would like for them to have the attitudes of many of the women here

The “Who gives a crap” attitude

[deleted account]

I want to bring up something else, now that you mentioned the staring, Ebony.



I was in a car accident in 2002 and my skull was ripped open on the left side of my head. I have a pretty noticeable scar that starts on my left temple and runs up across my forehead, up again right back to the middle of my head where it crowns. Anyhow, it's noticeable. If I have my hair pulled back it's exposed and people stare all the time. I could get pissy about it or I can realize that they're staring because they're wondering what happened. People are curious....unless they're making rude comments I just don't see what the big deal is? Anyhow, it's sorta the same thing, in my opinion, as staring or wondering or even asking what someone's ethnicity is.

Jaime - posted on 05/29/2011

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I can understand how being stared at constantly would be annoying. But the stare down could be for any reason really. Maybe they think you're a MILF and they're undressing you with their eyes? Maybe they just sneezed and farted at the same time and don't want to look obvious? If however, it is obvious that they are somehow 'questioning' your connection to your child, then kill them with kindness. Or simply say "Ya...I know, got him on sale at social services...gonna get me another one next week!"

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/29/2011

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we are talking about that, but I was also adding that i am fine with the questions just not the looks. Someone down the line here said "I could see how getting asked about your Childs race could be annoying."
I was making it known that for ME the question are not annoying it’s the looks

[deleted account]

I didn't realize that we were talking about people staring anyone down with a confused and bewildered look. I thought we were talking about someone asking about a child's ethnicity when it's clearly different from the parents. There's nothing wrong with being curious, as long as it's approached in a polite way.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/29/2011

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i would ask, but i would make sure my tone was polite and i would add in how CUTE the child was (even if i dont think they are...LOL) it just makes the mother feel even better when you give their child a compliment =))

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/29/2011

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Its not rude to me if someone comes up and says “He so cute, what is his nationality?”
Or just asking his nationality with a polite tone, that happens enough that im good with it, and I did expect my son to come out looking like his father, but Damn!! LOL it looks like his father gave birth to him :-p
What irks my nerve is when they just stare and look back and forth between my son and me or looking at us out the corner of their eye, or literately staring me down as I walk by it gets VERY annoying.
So, for me nothing is wrong with inquiring about his race but don’t stare us down with a confused bewildered look.

[deleted account]

I don't think it's rude if someone were to ask me. But i think that woman for even posting is a little odd.
One thing i did find rude was my uncle when he met my daughter asked if her father was black purely because of her name. He is an odd cookie though.

Jodi - posted on 05/29/2011

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Personally, I don't think it's anyone's business. I kinda do think it is rude to ask, because it shouldn't matter. But that's just me. To be honest, it would never even occur to me to ask.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/29/2011

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Kind of Dana. Are they strangers, or people you know? And if you do know them....are they just acquaintances???

If it is a stranger....I think totally rude, unless you are on the topic of race by the parents bringing it up....but that is a lengthy conversation to get into with a stranger. If it is someone you know, they would probably already have told you if their child was adopted and from where.

If someone asked me, I really would be surprised. My kids are Mexican/Italian...(we just say Mexican American though). I think it may all depend on your location also. Right now we live in a heavily Portuguese community, so people assume that is what we all are. When we are in El Paso in 2 weeks, (where my husband is from) people will think we are all from there....until they hear my accent. Then they ask where I am from.

Rosie - posted on 05/29/2011

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not having a mixed race child myself, i personally don't get why people get upset when people ask if the child is theirs or not. i could see how it would become annoying, but what do you expect? if the child doesn't look like you and people want to compliment the child, they want to make sure they are complimenting the right person. IDK, i think people make a big deal over such small things sometimes. i don't get why she was asking the question?

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/29/2011

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and yes most every mother on here could care less about race and mixing and who dates who...ect
but we are a tiny % who feel that way, there need to be more people like us

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/29/2011

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Well on here i notice that often young mothers ask question like that...im not saying everywhere, but here on com.

and sometimes spanish baby's do look asian, as a matter of fact on the Geneology they are very close as far as genetic makup goes.

and often people dont think my son is MY son, or they stare, so I truly understand how your sis in law feels

[deleted account]

Well I guess I am color-blind because I love all colors, races, nationalities, gender, orientation, etc.

Amanda - posted on 05/29/2011

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No MILF, its not about age, my 37 year old sister inlaw gets extremely mad when people ask her if her "spanish" baby is asian. Just sad that people are still definded by race, or perfered sexuality.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 05/29/2011

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i wonder if she is young like 16-19 years of age, normally they are the ones that ask such questions

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