how do I guide my child , but not control her?

Dee Dee - posted on 02/07/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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my child has very different life from mine. I know how to love her but I feel overwhelmed and powerless to hear her problems. she is 18 teenager adult. she wants privacy, independence but she also need me to........ like yesterdaay, we went shopping. I got everything I wanted. we had a good time. she let me pay some of her food. we talked and talked. there is no argument. the only thing we avoid is his mystery friend, P. she said a few things about her college friend, I was so nervous that she might talk about P. I change the subject right away. I really don't want to talk about P until he talks to my husband and me. then, she talks about her Mac school computer screen broken. Her PC is too heavy to carry to school to use. it cost $300 to repair, $1000 to replace. I am also speech less for that. P got her spending way beyond my means. she has all these things from P or somewhere that I don't know and she said she won them. if I ask more, then she will be annoyed. 1st thing on top of my mind is that she is not taking care of her stuff as good as she should. I know I can't say things like that to her without a emotional meltdown. so I bite my tounge.
We went back to her apt. She fed me some salad, and I heat up some chicken tender. She invited me to watch her video on TV. I have no clue on that video, but I want to spend some time with her. so I watched. after a while, I start to doze off. all the anxiety kick in, with my health problem, I usually get sleepy and need a nap. I ask D if she mind that I drove home before I fell asleep. she said ok and I left. I can't help to feel that she want to talk more. and I could help more, but I don't know how to go about it. I also afraid to mess up her life. If I mess up my life, I can fix it or live with it. If I mess her life, I don't know what I would do. I came home and took 3 hours nap. my husband , M, ask me if I am ok.
I told M my concern about D's Mac computer. I worry about that she may need money to fix or buy a new MAC. $300 or $1000 is lots money for us too. do we need to budget for it? D said her bank acount is ok. I know $300-$1000 is a lot for her too. I really don't want D ask P for the money , since we still don't know who he is. I have a feeling, they still talk to each other but not as passionate or care free. ( I really don't want to know.) M offer to pay half and talk to her about it. the result is good. she said that she doesn't want to fix Mac because it has blown up twice already. she will use the net book to school for a while until she get a new Mac. I have no idea what net book is, but M does. he said it is workable. I told M that it is really nice to have a husband the time like this. I consider problem solved. one down, many to go.

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Dee Dee - posted on 02/08/2013

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Good morning Cecilia
I vote for P paid for it. He paid for it in a gardian angel way. That's his way. live and let live. I don't want to know for my senity sake. I am sorry to say .... I know P is gardian angel for D but I don't know who he is. M & I are not comfortable for them to see each other in person unless P talks to us. D is my only child. I can't afford to lose her. M just walk in. I told M what you said. M said she could use her pay check. M just pay her $120 for this week work. Lol , the way I know D, I think. she will not spend $230 on $120 paycheck. anyway, it is her budget. she use whatever she please. I used to put $5000 on her account for emergy use. 1 year later, she used $1500 for caual reason. I ask her to return the rest to me, so I can put them in D & I joint account. In case something happen to us, she has something to live on to finsih school, or get a job or go on welfare. Two more years, she will get her bachlor degree to move on some sort of career.
now, i am moving on something about me. D, M and I went a King buffet for dinner last night. Food is great as usual. they gave each us a fortune cookie. M's cookie says" love in air". so, I got up and gave M a kiss on the cheek. D is shy and she blushed. my cookie says, " Don't find fault, find a remedy." I think that's what D & P are doing. They are very busy. D has a lot on her plate, full time school, work for M, vice president for college club plu P and a few friends (free load ) on her. Last sememster , she was tutor this kid math. I just ask her if she is still tutoring that kid. she told me to leave her alone, that I was interigating her. That's what P would say. Anyway, I am moving on. I am not going to feel sorry for what I can't do. I am seting my boundary where I can handle and feel safe inside my boundary. If D needs me and I can guide her within my boundary, I will. Or else, she is on her own. I think her higher power or gardian angels can help out just as well.

Cecilia - posted on 02/07/2013

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She doesn't have money to fix her laptop but she can go an buy a wii on a whim? Sorry but i'm telling you she is scamming you... #1 there are other devices that will work for netflix. All costing less than a Wii or Xbox. they do sell them at walmart also. They run about $40. The Wii is $130. Mind you that is the price of a netbook... BTW netflix only cost $8 a month. A year is less than $100 and she spent more than that....

Yes she said she entered a drawing but what drawing is open and then ends like that?? she went and bought one. I would even doubt the fact that she won free netflix too. I think either her "friend" is buying her things or she has more money than you know about.

Dee Dee - posted on 02/07/2013

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hi Stifler's mum
Thank you for your reply. D is new generation kid. they know lots about computers. D came home today. we are watch movies on TV now. She said her Univ has computer lab. O, we are at NM, USA. the lab does minimal repairs free. the screen is big deal. it is not covered.
Believe or not, i was a computer programmer 20 years ago, but I have no idea about new generation computer networks. for example. She won a year free movies access on internet today. she was watch the free movies on her PC lab top today. since she came home, we want to watch those free movie too. She said she need xbox360 and connect the pc to TV and watch the free movie on TV together. (rolling my eyes) then, suddenly she got the idea. she can enter the drawing for Wii. Wii will connect the internet to TV and we can watch the free movies. Things like this. I just aceept it. so, she enter the drawing and she got it. M and D drove to wal-mart and picked up Wii. now, we are watching an couple years old movie on TV for free. This is how new generation kid lives. I feel old and amazed but I sure enjoy the benift of new generation techknolege. LOL I don't know who is guding who here?!
Today, I did something very clumbsy today. D called 2 pm that she finished her school work and coming home for the night. With all the things going on, I feel dizzy off and on whole morning.
2 ish, D came home with the new baby cat from attic. she called him"simba". I always have curse about cat. I always think that our cat lived in our house survived because of D. D is magnet for animals, including human. I tried to hug Simba. He seems to be ok. so I watched Simba when D & M went to Wal-mart for Wii. Then, I decide to take a bath. I take Sinba with me to the bathroom and sat him on far corner of the bathroom from the tub. I took off my eye glasses and leave on the counter and walk into the tub. A few min later, I came out of the tub and step on something soft. He jump out with fear. OMG. you know what happened. I stepped on Simba. I quickly put on my clothes and glasses. Simba is alive but look funny. I know something is wrong. I hold him and pet him. I know he suffer internal injury..... a few min later, he died. I sat back to my chair to calm down. I called M on cell phone. I told M that my cat curse is back. he said it is ok. I worry about D's emotional well being. I am truely sorry. 15 min later, they came home with Wii. she told me that both of us need a hug. we will give Simba a funeral tomorrow morning. I truely feel bad, but I am glad D is ok. Once again, who is guiding who here!? I maybe D's mom, I don't think I know more than D. as time go by, I know less and less.

Stifler's - posted on 02/07/2013

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Hi Dee Dee mom what country are you in? Where I live we have computer labs at the uni. If she breaks her computer you should suggest she use those if they're available and offer to buy her a USB stick.

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