How far should you go to find out the truth about possiblily of husbnad cheating?

Meanie - posted on 05/24/2012 ( 18 moms have responded )




My husband and I have been togeather 8 years and married 6. We have 5 year old twin girls and and year little girl and expecting another baby fall 2012.

My husband says that he would never cheat on me and that he has more to lose than me if he did. He is an overall good guy and has good intentions but makes me question his honnesty in our relationship that he is really telling me the truth or not over all the time we have been togeather. I have a bad feeling and I dont want to ignore it anymore.

When I was pregnant the first time I found a condom rapper in my car. We dont use them and he explained that he let another couple use the car to help them out. I was kinda grossed out by it that he would borrow my car out for that purpose but it could be some weird thing he might actually do so I let it go. When it happened a second time after my twins were born I really questioned it and he gave the same excuse but I felt like I was trapped and kept assuring me he never would cheat on me.

He acts like he is single bachelor. I figured he would outrow when we got married and have kids. He does what he wants and figures he doesnt asnwer to me. He can stay out partying all night with his friends or play video games etc. and coem home at 6 am and I wont me mad and question what he was doing. He says it is none of my business. I got used to it catering to all his needs trying to be the best wife possible and figure that is the way it should be until I met another couple this last year and they kept telling me to leave him he is treating me badly.

Easier said than done because I have no family close by. I know what he does it no right and have tried to stand out for myself and talk to him about it. I told him he cant have both of best worlds. He has responsabilites now for his family. Things migt be ok for a little while and then he falls into his old ways. I dont want to keep having to talk to him about that I feel he doesnt want to spend time with me, not very affectionate, kisses me very little, stayig out all night and how that makes me feel, looking at pron all the time etc. He makes me feel insecure about our relationship.

Last fall 2011 when I talked to my husband about wheather he was cheating on me or not because I descided to clean his car and found womens high heels in the car and a hotel receipt that one night when he mever came home till 6 am I asked him about it he got really defensive and asked if I had proof that he had. What am I suppose to think.

He has been working out of town for the last 3 years I never everr snooped around ever. Want to stop finding things by accident. I was cleaning out his bag trying to be nice when he came home for the xmas holidays. I found a box of unopened condoms in his bag. He claims he was keeping it for a friend that was cheating on hs wife.

I was getting tired of his lies and excuses and made up a pretend profile to see what he would do becuase he goes on dating sites all the time and says it is just for fun to get kicks out what women respons to (I think that is mean and immature) so anyways we started emailing back and forth saying me should meet and he gave me his phone number. I was kinda at a dead end how serious is about it. He did end of finding out it was me and we never talked about it. He says he doesnt go on dating sites anymore and that we need to try and make this work.

Things fine again for a little while and now he jsut distant again. I think he will never change but he has so much to lose why do this. It is kllling me because I feel like I have to be investigating and watching what he does. I shouldnt have to do that and look at cell phone bills and wander who he keeps secretly texting and phoning.

When I have saw that he has phoned a adult massage parlour maybe there is a reason for it maybe he did it for a friend on his phone.

I have this bad feeling that does not go away. I am not sure if I should talk to him about it again> He kees saying that if I bring it up he will acutally do it but all the sings are there. I have thought of hiring a private investigator jsut to maybe put my mind at ease. Myabe I know deep down and dont want to admit it. I can only get so much advice from people.

Maybe talking to someone that knows what I am going thru can help me out. How do I talk to him this time wihtout him known exactly what I have been doing behind his back. It is killing me that I even have to do that but what else do I have to but watch what he has been doing because I think he is being more careful but he is bound to slip up somewhere again. Am I just being paranoid and should forget all this craziness? I just dont know that I can believe him anymore.

If kids were not involved no question I would be gone. I am a stay at home mom it is not that easy to leave expecially being pregnant again. Advice please. I want to understand him and want out relationship to work but is there anything worth saving? I keep thinking maybe sacrifice my happiness till the kids get older and than get out of it because I do love him just things dont add up. He love me right? He doens't seem like that cheating type but what kind of person is that. He has been married before and he said it ended with her cheating on him. Now I am wondering if it was the other way around, I've contemplated phoning her and tracking her down to see if he did the same thing to her. Am I just wasting my time probably yes but I have knowwhere to go because there are alot of things to consider. I dont want to think about divorce or any of that at all even though that is what it is leading to. How can I love someone that is putting me through all this and still want to be there for him. He keeps saying it is my emotions because I am pregnant and even my family think I am being paranoid. What do you think.


Lady Heather - posted on 05/29/2012




I wouldn't go to counseling for cheating either. Fuck no. Not after watching my parents after my dad cheated. But some people do see cheating as a surmountable problem so they can counsel away if they choose. Also some people like to know they've exhausted every effort before they split. But if you were asking me personally, it's cheat once and you're gone and my husband knows it.

Janice - posted on 05/24/2012




You are not paranoid. Your husband is obviously cheating. All the signs are there. You deserve respect. A respectful, loving husband and father is spending time with his family whenever possible not out partying non-stop. They do not frequent dating sites and talk to other women, they do not stay out till 6am. If you did any of that would it be okay with him?

I do understand why you don't want to believe it. No one wants to think that the person they love, the father of your children is cheating. I completely get why you would rather stay in denial and stay with your hubby.
It is completely up to you whether or not you stay with him, but you certainly have found enough "proof" of him cheating. The only reason to hire a PI would be so you could have the upper-hand during divorce proceedings.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Good luck with your pregnancy.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/29/2012




For me, there is a hell of a lot I could put up with but trust is my number one "must". If that is ever broken in my marriage, it is over. I would not even seek counselling. I would not be able to heal within that relationship. If my trust has been abused once, that is all it would take for me. I hold this trait very dear to my heart and if it is gone, then for me, there is nothing.

If my husband was coming up with as many as yours, I would know he was cheating. I just simply could not move on with him. I know it is hard, especially when you have babies and one on the way. I just could not fathom being in such a hated, distrustful, manipulative relationship. Seriously, it would kill me and it would not make me a very good Mom. I would be so damn cranky and mad all the time, just from thinking and worrying about it. It is a huge burden and you truly need to find a way to release it. It has got to be a lot on your shoulder's. I would think, way too much weight to keep dragging around.

I wouldn't bother calling his ex, either. She is just going to give you her side, which may not be accurate either. I seriously would tell him how it is going to be. If you want to work through it with him, then do it but don't stay just because you feel bad for him or because it is too hard to leave. This is his fault and I promise, if you did leave, you would actually see how much better you feel. ;)

Again, good luck!!

Lady Heather - posted on 05/29/2012




He is cheating on you and lying when you ask about it. This suggests he is unlikely to change. If he acknowledged the problem and agreed to address it you'd have something to go on, but I really don't see a solution with him denying it. You can suggest counseling. If he says no to that well...decide if you want to be married to a cheater or not. Man, that blows. I'm sorry.

Tina - posted on 05/29/2012




Unfortunately you're not going to get any straight answers from him. And him saying that if you keep asking he's going to do it is just an excuse to do what's been going on all along. You know that's he cheating. It's a hard thing to come to terms with but the fact is you're never going to have trust in this relationship and will never be happy with him. I know it's hard when they're kids involved but you have to stick up for yourself damand thing change or you leave. You kids don't need to learn that this is how you treat your partner. They will show you the same lack of respect. And end up doing the same when they enter a relationship later in life. Imagine someone elses was in your shoes telling you what you've written here and asking for advice what would you say to them then you have your answers


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Toni - posted on 08/17/2012




If you are unsure of his intentions in any way then hire a private investigator.
If it turns out you are just being paranoid then at the very least you will feel better knowing for sure. If your suspisions are correct, then you know what to do. Either talk to him about it, showing him the evidence the PI gets, or get a divorce.
I know its difficult with children involved, but you have to be happy too.

Kathy - posted on 08/17/2012




I would bet a fair bit of money he is cheating - and I am not one to jump to the "he's cheating" conclusion. Sorry, mama.

Do what you need to do to feel good and provide for your little ones.

Personally, I would get my ducks in order and leave. I think I *might* be able to forgive a one night stand sort of thing, but he seems to have a pattern.

In my part of the world, I probably could go on welfare and survive (just!) until the baby was old enough to start working.

If that is not an option for you, and you have nowhere to go, you could stick it out until the baby is old enough to go in daycare. Make a plan, get a job and get out.

Sally - posted on 08/16/2012




I think you already know the answer and you must now decide if you can continue like this, I couldn't, once my trust is broken there is no way back. It wouldn't matter how much he tried, I know I would ruin it by being on his back 24/7 . If you want to work at it do but I don't feel he will change.Do you truly believe that even with counselling you would ever trust him again. If your ready to move on keep your cards close and sort out things for you and your children. I wish you the best in what ever you decide but please believe you have the right to be happy.

Missy - posted on 08/16/2012




Find a CSAT - Certified Sex Addict Therapist. He sounds like he is a classic addict. Lying, cheating, blaming you for being suspicious, and it is never going to stop without some kind of an intervention. You need a therapist and/or some kind of meetings for yourself. COSA or CODA will help you deal with the fact that you are enabling someone to lie and cheat, with no consequences. That is a miserable way to life. Especially, while pregnant. Don't believe anything he says, lying is as easy as breathing. Have been through drug addiction and sex addiction with my DH, I know this is a shock. Thankfully, the sex addiction was caught very early and I stood my ground about treatment. Learned after the drug addiction that you cannot believe anything they say, you find the facts out for yourself and only believe what info you find out. Until he is in recovery for about a year, assume everything he says is a lie.

Erin - posted on 06/06/2012




Go as far as you feel you need to find out but bottom line is if you can't trust the man then divorce him. I'd say if you find condoms and womens shoes it's clear he's cheating.

Gabrielle - posted on 06/06/2012




Yes he is obviously cheating. I know love is blinding but after that many instances its very obvious. I know the feeling staying for the kids but you have to get out. NO WAY IN HELL would I stay will a man who is on dating sites. OBVIOUSLY he IS talking to other wommen and he was willing to meet with "you" on there.. He keeps cheating because he knows you'll keep staying. He wants his cake and to eat it to and as long as you allow it he'll keep on doing it. he's not doing this for "a friend" that is just his excuse. Hire a private investigator if it makes you feel better but for the most part I'd bet on you'd be wasting money to find out something you already know. You need to also think about your health and your babys!!!!!!! That man can bring home an STD or even worse something you nor your baby could even get rid of..

Heather - posted on 05/30/2012




You have 2 daughters you need to think about them. Would you want them to be with a man that was putting them through what your going through? When they get older they will catch onto whats going on and follow in your foot steps. Leave Him

Stifler's - posted on 05/27/2012




I think you should break up with him unless he admits he's done wrong and you get counseling. High heels in the car, hotel receipts, condoms wrappers, being out til all hours and then "oh no I"m not cheating". He doesn't even want to stop cheating or feel guilty about it! She may have cheated on him and now he's getting in first before he gets hurt again but that is NO excuse to cheat on your partner. I wouldn't bother phoning his ex concentrate on your relationship. I understand needing time out with friends because we all do but not all the time and not even knowing where they are or it being "none of your business" when you ask what he did.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/27/2012




I agree with everyone here.

No real, loving husband, goes out and parties all hours of the night. No real, loving husband keeps condoms or any other odd items, in their vehicle for others. No real, loving husband frequents dating sites. If my husband did any of these things, especially altogether, the shit would hit the fan. He has babies at home and a loving wife, he is not taking responsiblity for what he got himself into. If he hadn't wanted to be married and have children, he simply should not have done it. Now he has 4 people that will ultimately be affected by his wrong doings.

It doesn't sound to me that he is willing to change. I could be wrong and perhaps, telling him (not asking), that he either agrees to marriage counselling or you will have to leave. Letting him know that you can no longer live this way. You have to think of the children and yourself. You cannot be responsible for him and his actions. He is a grown man, that is on him. You deserve happiness and your fears and saddness, most definitely wear off onto your little ones. Even if you don't realize it, this is affecting all of you.

Please seek either guidance or a way out. If you continue living like this, it is going to have devastating consequence on your soul and heart and on your childrens'.

If you decide you want out, make sure you do get proof. It will mean a whole lot when going to court to file for divorce. He will have to pay, not only child support but alimony as well (in most cases). You could win a whole lot, just from his stupidity. It is against the law to act with adultery within a marriage.

I wish you luck. I hope everything works out for you, very soon.

Maria - posted on 05/27/2012




I don't think you're being paranoid. You have every reason to doubt your husband, the signs are all there, and blatant at that. I've been married for over 20 years, and I've never heard of any husband keeping condoms for someone else in the car. Not only is it nuts, it's also reason for spousal rifts! And for him to be bold as to keep a woman's high heels in his car and blatantly lie about it, it's obvious what he's doing behind your back.

Calling the other woman will not make you feel better. What you should be thinking about is your welfare and that of your children. Keep level-headed. If you want to do something objective to help yourself, go ahead and catch them in the act, take pictures, and use those pictures to file for divorce, if and only if he will not go for marriage counseling. This way, you have proof on your side. For your sanity's sake and your own peace of mind, enough is enough. You deserve someone better. If he doesn't show you respect, at least show yourself some respect.

[deleted account]

He treats you badly,etc but the biggest worry is that he cheats on you? Don't get pregnant again after this one for goodness sakes!

Why would he love you? No really? He doesn't respect you. You are his maid, babysitter adn bedwarmer. So why should he love you? He doesn't need to.. You'll stay no matter what.

I know because I was that way until I left my abusive husband in 2009.

It probably would be helpful to get the ex-s side but I guarantee you that will piss him off royally.

Tracey - posted on 05/24/2012




I don't think you will get any satisfaction from talking to his ex, they divorced because of infidelity either his or hers, if you phone her it will lead to more unanswered questions and distrust.
I think you know exactly what your husband is doing (which is not a crticism) but you and he are both making excuses for it. You need to decide how you feel about the long term future of this relationship and whether your future includes him.
Why does your family think you are being paranoid if you have found condom wrappers and ladies shoes in your car, and have evidence of him using dating sites and massage parlours?

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