How to control a non-disciplined kid?

Amanda - posted on 04/25/2011 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Hey everyone! I have 4 of my own children, 7,4,3, and 2...I do inhome daycare and right nwo have 4 daycare kids. My first two are great kids. Ages 5 and 2. I just started about a mnth ago taking 2 more. Ages 3 and 2. There both boys, and live with their grandparents, their father just got out of jail and is fighting for custody that he lost when the youngest was born, and their mother is a drug addict who had her rights stripped. The grandparents do no sort of discipline, they encourage me to use time out which is really the only form of discipline I use with other peoples chidlren, but the problem is the 3 yr old will hit, kick, slap, pinch, stomp, I mean anything physical he'll do to my children who my youngest 3 are all girls, and to his younger brother and the other 2 kids. He's really mean, and tends to scream...a lot. I started off slow, considering his past. But that's gotten me nowhere...my own kids are starting to resent him for being able to get off so easily. The grandparents seemed in shock when I told them the things he's done here. 1)Trying to Choke out my 2 yr old. 2)Slapping and punching his brother 3)Pulling the hair of my 5 yr old daycare girl. I don't know if I can keep doing this anymore! Any ideas would be so helpful!! Please and thank you in advance!

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I'm a firm believer that kids LIKE structure and discipline. They may not know that they like it...but it shows that YOU are in control and that gives them security. I'd stick with strict rules and consequences. Show him love and affection, but don't back down on consequences because you feel sorry for him. Tough situation, and good for you for caring enough to try to work it out with this little boy.

Dawn - posted on 04/25/2011

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Honey I would simply tell the grandparents that you are sorry but you're not going to be able to watch those children because of the safety of your own kids. Make sure that they know EXACTLY what the kids are doing.
You don't HAVE to watch kids like that.

Jenn - posted on 04/25/2011

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If it were me, I'd be VERY firm in my rules and if he breaks them, he gets time out - no leniency because of his situation - if anything, because of his situation he needs things to be MORE structured and firm rules. If there are no changes in bahaviour after a month, and he is putting the other kids at risk, I'd stop watching him.

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Constance - posted on 04/26/2011

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All kids react differently but they are able to follow different rules for different places. If you have truelly tried everything to help him adjust to the situation then you really have no other choice but tell his grandparents he can't come back. He is hurting other children. But sometimes kids with behavioral issues need a major structure in their life. Rules posted clearly and a set scheduale when he is with you. If you are already doing this then your place may not be the the best place for him.
But just as a suggestion look up Opposisional Defince Disorder my daughter has this and she will lash out when she isn't provoked. But If I have learned anything things cannot change in her daily scheduale or it throws her completely out of whack for about three monthes. But it does sound like this exactly what is going on with him. I can be managed but it takes some research to do it. The decision is up to you.

Erica - posted on 04/26/2011

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Do you have a pamphlet? Do you have the parents sign any paper that you made up with rules and termination if violated? The children are probably acting out because of the situation. Figure out what they like to do for fun and incorporate it into your daily activities including all the children and see how that goes. Good luck!

Donna - posted on 04/26/2011

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i totally agree. the kids a menace, and you've tried everything you believe in yur power, it might be time to not allow him back there.

Mel - posted on 04/26/2011

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ahh seems to be a common thing with grand parents. My hubby left a christmas party of my mothers last year with extreme hate for a 3 yr old who sounds much like the child your describing. Grand parents tend to let kids run a muck. I dont really have much advice for you though but I hope you sort it out. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you

Bonnie - posted on 04/26/2011

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Hmm if anything, usually kids are better listening to someone who is not a family member. If you telling him no does not work, I would definitely have a talk with the grandparents. Your children don't need to be put in jeopardy because of him and the other daycare kids don't need it either. It's got to stop or perhaps the other daycare kids parents will find out eventually and possibly say they can't come there anymore.

Noreen - posted on 04/25/2011

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I agree with Teresa but would also like to add: The instant you seem him attack, get to his level and look him in the eyes and say, "Hitting is NOT ok. When you hit, you hurt So and So. You need to apologize immediatly." after his timeout if finished, you can then have a heart to heart with him by asking him why he hit, how it made him feel when he hit (or whatever he did) and explain that he really hurt that person and that person's feeling when he attacked.

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Stop him the instant you see him attack. If you can see an attack about to happen... caution him of his behavior. Grab him up (gently, of course) and stick him in time out every time he attacks. 3 minutes for each attack and if he tries getting out early.... time starts over.

You are doing him no favors by being lenient due to his circumstances. He needs firm, but loving discipline and consistency.

Also I agree w/ the distraction technique. Keep him too busy to even attempt an attack.

I'm certainly NOT an expert and I'm in the middle of dealing w/ my own aggressive boy (not my kid, but the boy I watch), but I wouldn't give up on him just yet. Though I certainly wouldn't fault you if you did. Good luck!!!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/25/2011

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I am sure that you mean well, and the poor kid has a terrible history, but there is only so much you can do.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 04/25/2011

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WOW! I am not sure that I would want to watch him. Don't take this the wrong way, but maybe someone with child development background would be more suited for his behavior? You have to think about the safety of your children and the other kids you are getting paid to watch.

Debbie - posted on 04/25/2011

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thats a tricky one. distraction might be the trick here, if you can find what his interest is and set up an activity that will keep him engaged for awhile.and join in and praise him if he does find something. also from his background hes had no boundries so be firm so he can begin to see your boundries, children need them to feel secure in themselves and with you. will be a hard job but if you can stay strong for the little fellow things will hopefully get better. I wish you lots of luck.

Krista - posted on 04/25/2011

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Man, what a tough situation!!! The only thing I can think of is to set up a video camera so that the grandparents can see the child's behaviour for themselves.

And of course, it's always best to have solutions at the ready when pointing out a problem. So if there are any parenting books/courses that you know about that were really helpful, then offer them up to these people. As well, if you know of any early intervention type programs for troubled children, it'd be worthwhile giving them some information on that. It sounds like they're well-meaning, but overwhelmed -- and can you really blame them?

I feel sorry for that little boy. He obviously did not have a very stable home life. It's not too late to guide him towards being a happy, cooperative kid, but it's going to take a lot of work by multiple people in order to undo all of the damage that's been done already, poor little mite.

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