How to tell your not preg but trying for years friend you are accidently expecting?

Sal - posted on 05/19/2012 ( 15 moms have responded )

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I am one of those blessed ladies that gets pregnant against the odds and easily and I am expecting no 4, my first 2 are pill babies no 3 I was fully bf no 2 and this time forgot the condom.... I am happy if not a little surprised and scared as im now 38 and we didn't plan to have more (intact I haven't planned any babies) but this bub will be loved and a treasured part of our family my prob is that my friend has been trying fir her 2nd for years we were only talking a few weeks ago (when I didn't even suspect I might be- I only done a test last week because I was a few days late and had to go to the dentist so though I'd Better check) and she is realistic about it but did say how many more babies are going to be born while she is trying... So how do I tell her??? I'm early on so wOnt say anything for a few months and hope she has great news in the mean time but how wOuld you tell her??

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Happy - posted on 05/19/2012

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I have struggled with infertility and miscarriage for years. Many, many, many times a girlfriend would become pregnant just before or after a miscarriage and it was always painful! Mainly because they handled it wrong. Every woman would just let me find out through the grapevine and because of that, always had an audience when I found out. It would hurt so much because the person telling me would always just sit there and "wait for my reaction". It was like I was being set up. I SO much would have appreciated it if one of those women would have spoken to me face to face and said, "I know you have struggled and because of that, I wanted to give your the courtesy of telling you privately and letting you know first so you can take in the information privately as well. I am pregnant. I am due...whenever...and I want you to know that I am still hoping you will soon get pregnant too!" Then a hug would hev been nice.

The WORST thing you can do is let her find out "through the grapevine"!

Mary - posted on 05/20/2012

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I went through years of infertility and unsuccessful treatments while pretty much every friend and family member I had got pregnant (with ease) around me. It was, without question, the most painful, difficult, and isolating experience of my life. Every joyful announcement shattered me just a bit more, and there were some friendships that simply did not survive it. However, there were several friendships that deepened and grew stronger because of it.

I agree what others have said; make sure she is one of the very first people you tell, and tell her individually. For me, what made the biggest difference was when that friend acknowledged just how difficult they knew learning of their pregnancy was for me. It's not that they were apologetic about their happiness, but rather, they somehow gave me permission to not be similarly ecstatic, nor did they expect me to suppress my own negative feeling in response to their news. For some reason, that simple kindness and understanding actually allowed me to be genuinely happy for them, without that edge of bitterness. I never felt the need to avoid them while pregnant, and was more than happy to care them for during their birth (I was an L&D nurse at that time). These were the ones whose babies I loved most deeply, and whom I never needed to shy away from because of my own envy and heartache.

[deleted account]

Please tell her personally, privately, and if at all possible, face-to-face.

Like some of the other ladies, I also experienced 3+ years of TTC, 3 miscarriages, and it seemed as if everyone around me was expecting. Seriously- coworkers, friends, AND students.

It is painful to see everyone else experiencing what you can't have. I admit I was bitchy and jealous towards some women, when in reality I was simply overwhelmed with my own emotions. Some of the women I avoided, thinking how unfair to get knocked up from such casual relationships.

Even a good friend, who might genuinely be happy for you, might need some time away from you. Please do not take offense at all. Just respect her need to be away from pregnant women for the time being.

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Sal - posted on 05/24/2012

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thanks ladies, for the advice, she will be amoungst the first to be told when i can manage to wrap my head around it enough to make it public..the only person who knows it my hubbies boss as we think it will be due around christmas and it was our year to work so he had to give them as much notice as possible....

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I had a hard time getting pregnant with my one and only child. During my infertility struggle, I made friends with a really sweet girl who was also having trouble trying to concieve. When I got pregnant, I waited to tell her last, because I wasn't sure how to go about it. I waited until it was just the two of us and all I had to say was, "I have something to tell you." and she blurted out, "You're pregnant!" When she found out she was the last one to know, that hurt her more than me being pregnant (and her not) did. I say just find time alone with your friend and tell her. It will sting, but you may also be surprised to find that she is stronger than you think. If y'all are close friends, remember, not telling her (or telling her last) could have the effect to magnify the fact that she's not pregnant. Either way, you being pregnant and her not being pregnant is gonna sting but at least if you tell her, you're giving her the chance to dictate how she feels, instead of tip toe-ing around how you think she MAY feel, if that makes sense. Best of luck to you and congratulations :)

Erin - posted on 05/22/2012

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I have been on both ends. When my husband and I were trying for our first, my SIL knew we were trying and started trying for her 2nd. She got pregnant right away and I found out through my MIL. I was upset at first but then 6 months later we got pregnant. Then when we were trying for #2 she got pregnant again 6 weeks before me. I liked the thought that they would be really close in age. But at 6 weeks I had a miscarriage. What really hurts is when some one (I don't know if she knew she was doing it or not) keeps going on and on about their pregnancy right after you have a miscarriage. We ended up conceiving again and now we have 2 beautiful little boys. One thing that really bothered me was people saying that I only got pregnant because she did, which wasn't the case.

On the other hand, I have had to tell my sister that I was pregnant 4 times. The first time she was so excited, but she wasn't trying yet. The second time I told her she cried because her and her husband had been trying for 9 months with no luck. But when I called her and told her I had a miscarriage she was right there crying with me. When I got pregnant the 3rd time she cried again (trying for a year now) but she said she was happy for me and I knew she was. It was just frustrating for her. I found out I am pregnant with #3 last month. I was so dreading telling my sister, but I knew I had to tell her before anyone else (she is always the first person I tell). She didn't cry this time, because she found a new doctor who thinks he has found the problem and is giving her a very positive outlook. Again she said that she was happy for me but envious.

Sorry this is so long. But I agree with the others. Tell her, preferably face to face, and soon. Even if she is the only one you tell right now. If you tell her it will let her know that you care enough about her and her feelings. And even though she may be upset I wouldn't think she would hate you. She will probably be happy for you but upset that it is not her that is pregnant.

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I agree with the other ladies it took us three years to conceive our first (and we were told we wouldn't conceived naturally), whilst seeing other women around me, family, friends and colleagues getting pregnant hurt like hell, the way I found out made the way I coped with it easier or harder...the hardest ones were the ones where I was told in front of people and everyone expected me to be ecstatic (I should say though only a very small handful of my colleagues knew about my infertility because it was private).

There was one colleague who had been trying for five years with no success so we were both in similar situations and often vented (and cried to) each other, so whei found I was pregnant i wanted to tell her, but because I was scared I would lose my baby I decided to wait until after 12 weeks to tell anyone, unfortunately events didn't work like that, i started bleeding at a conference so I had to tell another colleague because I was freaking out and I had to be took to hospital (the hospital insisted I get an ambulance, we rang them to get directions) so it was obvious something was wrong, my colleagues line manager (she was on a different team to me) told her I was pregnant I was furious for one she had no right to tell anyone below her ( I understood the managers discussed it because my manager needed to know what to do etc). I wish I'd have just told her and dealt with it if I'd miscarried but I didn't, she took it well but I know how much it hurt her!

Tell her on her own and let her know you understand how hard it is and that you don't expect somersaults or anything then move on.

Janice - posted on 05/20/2012

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It took 3 years for my hubby and I to conceive our first and almost every woman I knew got pregnant by accident. It was tough but truly the only person I was ever mad at was a girl that I didnt really like anyways. Anyone that was a good friend or family I was happy for.

I agree with the other ladies that you must tell your friend in private and possibly sooner than other friends. A co-worker of mine who was quickly becoming (and did) a good friend got pregnant the first month off the pill. I was just starting fertility treatments after close to 3 years trying independently. One morning before the kids arrived (we worked at a daycare) she began crying and just blurted it out. I was a little upset because I had already suspected she was and other people knew, but the fact that she was so concerned was really touching. Sure I was upset but not at her, just the situation. Things worked out though and we ended up having babies only 2.5 months apart. We still are friends and our kids love playing together.

Anyways, I think if she is a good friend dont stress too much and just make sure she doesn't find out "by accident" because that would really be the worst.

Bonnie - posted on 05/20/2012

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It's not an easy situation to be in, but if she is a true friend, she will be happy for you. My husband and I are expecting our third and last baby and we have friends who tried for 4 years with one time being a miscarriage and nothing since. Now their marriage has gone down hill and they are divorcing, but they were really happy for us when we told them. I would think if you kept it from her that may make her angry in the end. I would tell her. Not necessarily today, but within the next while. Good luck and congratulations!

Stifler's - posted on 05/20/2012

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I've been there :( It really sucks, they practically avoided us my whole pregnancies. I understand why though we didn't really have unprotected sex for long and I was pregnant when they'd been trying IVF for ages it must have been a bit of a blow. You have to just come out and say it. Especially if they are pretty much your closest friends. We must have told Damian's sister first then she told them without us knowing which sucked. Both times. That happened to me too Dove I was pregnant and about 18 weeks when my maid of honour got pregnant and miscarried at about 8 weeks. I was so excited for her because they'd been trying for a while and kept having miscarriages then I was so disappointed that she lost the baby and it's so hard to know what to say when they've lost a baby and you're still pregnant.

Johnny - posted on 05/19/2012

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I agree Happy Mama. I wanted desperately to get a chance to tell one of my close friends that I was pregnant. We have both been struggling to get pregnant and going through it together. But it finally stuck for me and I really wanted to tell her on my own. Until my SIL, whom we'd asked not to say anything, posted a big congratulatory note on my FB page. I deleted it ASAP and hoped no one had seen it, but the cat was out of the bag and some nosy nelly went and told her. She hasn't spoken to me since and I am so upset about it. I sent her an e-mail apologizing, but I fear that the damage may have been done. All she's ever wanted was to be a mom, the world is so unfair.

Elfrieda - posted on 05/19/2012

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I have two friends who are trying without success, and I just got pregnant. I told them when it was just the two of us (not in a big group) and I didn't make a huge deal about it, I just said, "So J and I are expecting." and then "Yes, I'm due in October." and then thanked them for their congratulations and changed the subject pretty quickly after that. I also told them I hoped we could be pregnant at the same time. It was a little different in that we'd been trying for several months, too, but similar in that I feel a little guilty for being blessed with something that someone else wanted so badly.



Both of them seem totally okay, happy for me and all that. I think the initial shock is the worst, and then you can get back to normal. My sister-in-law is genuinely excited and will ask all kinds of questions every time I see her, whereas my other friend is a little more "I wish it was me but I'm still pleased for you."

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