how would you deal with this

Joann - posted on 09/13/2010 ( 25 moms have responded )

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say youre a stepmother and the child starts calling you mommy do you tell him not to or let him. in this case his real mother never wanted much to do literally she gave him to the daddy at 6months old and that was it.then when i came in the pick she all the sudden want to make things right....

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Gabrielle - posted on 09/19/2010

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Im not sure. I have a stepson who calls me mum sometimes. I tell him no im gaby as his mam takes us to court and tries to stop me seeing him as she doesnt like me. Im your situation i still probably wouldnt allow the child to call me mum, as like you said the mum now wants something to do with the child and you dont want her to be funny or nasty with the child for calling you mum. If she was still out the picture i would allow it x

Charlie - posted on 09/17/2010

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If you are raising the child and its their choice to call you mum and you have no issue than let him call you mum .

[deleted account]

In my case my step daughter calls me mom and does it by choice. Her mom passed away when she was about 18 months old and she has no real memory of her. I'm her mom in all the ways that matter, I don't see a difference in my bond with her then the other 4 children that came from my body.

C. - posted on 09/16/2010

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I think if the child bonds closely with the stepmother, there shouldn't be a problem. After all, there's obviously something that the stepmom is doing that makes them feel comfortable calling her just mom.

I know a family from my church, who is a blended family, and they call their stepmom 'mom' and they still call their real mom 'mom'. I don't know, I just don't see a problem with it.

And if the mother wasn't even there for a long time, then she doesn't even deserve the 'mom' title, IMO.

Joann - posted on 09/15/2010

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To Petra,
I understand how you feel and thank you for the input and im sure from your statment that your situation wasnt a good one. im sorry but im not trying to take over her place and push her aside id much rather her be MORE in his life. i want her to be number one and me number two in his eyes if that makes any sense

Joann - posted on 09/15/2010

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Thank you for all you post very helpful. The BM left my son at six months from what i understand and hadnt had much to do with him since.then about a year ago me and daddy started living together we have our son full time.and BM got really upset wasnt so much because of her son living with me it was more me being with her BD then we got married and it got worse she would tell me all this bs about BD coming and seeing her when we were first together again nothing about her son.Then of course i became mommy which i am ok with and so is my husband
but she GOT very upset with and it really upset me cuz she made me out to be this horrble person.and i was the one who was telling her to call her son (rarely does) and that she could come see him anytime(she stood him up twice) and i would even take my son to BM parents by myself cuz my hubby was working in the oilfield and gone all the time.
as for making him understand he has two mommys he does i made him a photo ablum of pics of BM and her family and pics with me daddy and the rest of his family.as for her rights she has them i wont let them be taken from her thats not right. i just want her to see i love our son and id do anything for him and that the only thing i want is for her to be in his life.ya he may cry when she has to go home but thats just showing he loves her. and if he calls me mommy his from his heart not cuz i made him.she will forever be his mom and that bond can never be broken. i just wanted other moms opinions cuz i thought maybe i was in the wrong.

Jenni - posted on 09/15/2010

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I would say, if you're comfortable with it and the BM is not in the picture it would be acceptable. I've known many people who didn't have one of their BP in their lives were adopted by a SP or at least referred to them as mom or dad.
I would take it seriously however, if she does start calling you mom and thinking of you as her mother. It's for life (or should be) regardless if things end with her father. If you become her mother it is your responsibility to fulfill that role in the same way you would your own BC.

[deleted account]

My cousin has custody of her nephew, who's 3. He calls her mommy and he calls bio-mom mommy as well. Neither have a problem with it. I think it depends on the situation and if all parties involved are comfortable with it.

Diane - posted on 09/14/2010

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If you feel comfortable with the child calling you mom then I feel you should let him.

Children learn very quickly who they can trust and go to in their time of need, it sounds like he finds that in you. But, if you are not married to the father and you don't foresee a permanent situation happening then all bets are off, it is very difficult for a child to see moms and dads come and go in their lives.

I feel it is very important for the bio mom to have a relationship with her child, if the child excepts it then it should happen. The past is the past and people do need second chances. You should try and become friends with this lady for the child's sake. Children are always receiving the raw end of the deal in a broken home and it is up to us the adults and parents to make sure that doesn't happen.

Katherine - posted on 09/14/2010

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I say let him call you mom. You do mom things, you care for him like a mom, you do everything a mom does, you just didn't birth him.
I don't know how long you've been with the child or the father, but obviously he sees you as a mother figure.
There is a reason for that.

Laressa - posted on 09/14/2010

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My friends little girl has a perfectly loving mommy but when her auntie came to visit she was "mommy" too, which is unusual for her and an endearing term to call her auntie. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it if the child wants to call you mom.

Lyndsay - posted on 09/14/2010

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I don't think I would ever feel comfortable with a child not my own calling me "mommy". But then, this is dependent on you as an individual... you may be okay with this. If the kid doesn't have a mom, or the mom is a fall-down, whatever, I guess it doesn't really matter... but for me, I would ask that he didn't.

Amie - posted on 09/14/2010

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Petra,

I'm glad you understand. I'm sure yours is an interesting story. I will say I made the distinction of children doing it on their own for a reason. I do know people who have tried to convince their kids to call another person mom/dad. That's not right. If a child does it on their own, that's a whole other story.

[deleted account]

I forgot to add that our daughter just turned 8, hasn't seen her bio mom since January 1st and the bio mom did not call on our daughter's birthday. Our daughter's exposure to her bio mom has been sporatic and unpredictable since our daughter was about 4 1/2, which was when we had our first custody agreement drawn up.

[deleted account]

I am in a similar situation hun. Our daughter's bio mom left right after our daughter turned 3. I came into the picture a little less than a year later (and we were engaged within 2 months - we just knew). The bio mom didn't start fighting for any custody until after she found out we were engaged.

A little before her 6th birthday, our daughter (who lives with us full time) made the decision to call me "Mom" all the time (before that I was Holly Mommy). I let her. I am here for her full time and her bio mom is not. In your situation it sounds like the same thing and you should be thrilled the little boy loves and trusts you enough to call you Mom. I always tell my oldest (my sd) that she came to me through my heart and she calls herself my "heart-daughter" sometimes - it's our own special bond and I love it! :)

Petra - posted on 09/14/2010

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Oh, I completely understand where you're coming from Amie, and in most situations I see why kids aren't "corrected" when they begin referring to a step-parent as Mom or Dad. Like I said, my personal experience has led me in the other direction, but I don't expect anyone else to take a hard line in their situation as I have.

Amie - posted on 09/14/2010

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Don't make a big deal about it. Most times it's the bio mom that takes offense to it and it stems from her own insecurities.

In cases like this, where the child starts calling you mom of their own volition, there's really nothing to do. As Laura said, think about it hard though, if you tell them to not call you mom that may be gone forever.

Mom is not just for the one who gave birth or adopted them either Petra. It's for anyone (dad's for that matter too) who loves, cares for and will do anything for the child in question. Children don't just start calling someone mom/dad on their own for no reason, they feel a bond there and have given that title to the person.

Petra - posted on 09/14/2010

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I fully take issue with a step-parent taking on the title of Mommy or Daddy - my opinion is heavily influenced by personal experience though. I'm of the opinion that unless you gave birth to the child or legally adopted them, being called Mommy is off-limits.

Louise - posted on 09/14/2010

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I think you need to discuss this with your partner and see how he feels about it. But. you have assumed the role of his mum and he wants desperately to have a mum and a dad and feels your the right person for the job. I would allow him to call me mummy but I would make it plainly obvious that he has two mummies. One that gave birth to him and one that loves him very much and is going to be in his life for a long time. This way you have covered all angels and when he is older he is not going to be shocked to find out that you are not his biological mother. It is a perfectly normal progression to call you mum so embrace it. The other woman will have to lump it she gave up her say when she walked out and left him.

[deleted account]

I totally agree with Nikki. If you're the one doing the job, looking after him, giving him cuddles, making sure he's happy and fed and loved, and he wants to acknowledge this (even unconsciously) by calling you 'mommy' then I would let him and take pride and satisfaction out of it. If you or the other adults in his life want him to know that you are not his biological mother then that's fine, but I do think you have to acknowledge your relationship with him. And if his bio mother doesn't like it, well tough.

Tracey - posted on 09/14/2010

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you don't say how you feel about being called Mummy. If a child is young it is natural from him to call the dominant female figure in his life Mummy. If this is a problem for his biological parents then could you find a special nickname that only he can call you?

Nikki - posted on 09/13/2010

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I think it is a wonderful privilege, this child obviously feels safe and happy with you, enough to call you mum, if you and your partner are comfortable with it then I would let him/her by all means.

Sharon - posted on 09/13/2010

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A lot of things come to play in that. I think its great the kid feels this comfortable.

1. how old is the kid now?

2. Are you married to the dad?

3. how is the bio mom going to take this?

4. Dose the bio mom have any legal rights left or did the dad terminate them when she abandoned the kid?

Isobel - posted on 09/13/2010

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Do you feel comfortable with her calling you Mommy? I know that my husband found it difficult at first. It should be known though, that sometimes when you tell them no, you are missing out for good...I know my husband would be more than happy if they called him Daddy now, but that boat has sailed :(

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