Husband needing a woman's perspective

Robert - posted on 02/26/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I came across this forum while soul searching on google. My wife of 17 years betrayed me in my eyes, and it seems like its a more and more common thing these days. My first son born 4 years ago was diagnosed at 19 months with Autism. Like many here have dealt with, Autism takes its toll on your life along with your marriage. While my wife is the great scheduler and coordinator of all his therapy I'm left to handle everything else for the family, on top of my full time job. Like the parent of any 4 year old I'm wiped out when I hit the sack at night.

For a while my wife had been saying that she wanted more children. I never wanted children from day 1 and she was ok with that. While she disagrees, I'm fairly certain that in retrospect she stopped taking her pills. Yes, I know I should have had a vasectomy if I didn't want kids, however she blew a fuse when I brought up the subject before the first child. I let the matter die down and of course my son soon followed.

So in December my wife comes to me and tells that she's pregnant. She had had an IUD ever since my son was born, but she decided mid July that she wanted another child. She never told me, and when pressed she said that if she told me I would have gotten a vasectomy or stopped having sex with her. Damn Straight I would have.

So fast forward a couple of months. I haven't been the nicest person to her of late, something that I've never been. As a man who is essentially now forced to deal with the 40% liklihood that the second child is autistic (I can't even imaging telling this poor child if they are autistic that "Well Son / Daughter, we knew that there was a 40% chance of you having autism like or worse than you brother, and well sorry...." I told her a year + back that I might consider a donor egg + sperm just to remove our genetics. She didn't like the idea and never discussed it again. A light bulb should have clicked on in my head, but nope.

Sadly her sister chimed in with a text message that I saw saying screw him if he's upset. Its his child, and at least you got what you needed from him!. He'll lose his house, 1/2 of his business, and you'll get everything.

I feel screwed, I feel depressed, and I honestly don't know how to move forward. Anyone have an ideas?

2 Comments

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Jackie - posted on 09/06/2014

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Wow, hate to day it but she's a piece of work. The fact that she would go behind your back like that in regards to something so serious and permanent…. she doesn't respect you at all. Get out. Sounds harsh, but thats my opinion. She has a very low opinion of you obviously, and you (and every one else) deserve to be respected.

Ekaterina - posted on 02/26/2014

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Hello Robert,
Thanks for sharing. I think it's quite brave of you to seek support among women while feeling betrayed by one of them. I feel very sad to hear there is so much unresolved anger and frustration between mommy & daddy of this little 4y.o. being & the sense of betrayal in the air, which certainly contributes to his autistic approach to the world. As a mother I feel strongly about the importance of being on the same page in the matter of conceiving children as it is crucial to the way the baby is accepted and loved by both parents and whether that love is authentic or not. As a therapist however, I realize that it takes two people to create a situation, most certainly making babies. You are saying that the misunderstanding with your wife on this topic, perhaps not only, has been going on for a while, and yet another baby is soon to be joining your family without your consent. I think that it will be best if you and your wife went to family/couples therapy to address the issues of betrayal and hurt that you are feeling. I'm sure she is hurt too, in her own way...
Whether you end up staying together or decide to continue separately, it is good to have a clear picture and develop better ways to being a father for your not so wanted children.
You can also try (and I encourage you) individual therapy if your wife doesn't join you. If that's something you might think of doing I can help you with referrals.
Wish you all the best and hoping that you will find peace in your heart.

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