I am cutting my father out of my life, completely. Am I crazy or wrong?

Angel - posted on 10/13/2010 ( 9 moms have responded )

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This is going to be very long and drama filled.

When I was 5yrs old my father went to prison for molesting my older sister. He got out 4yrs later when I was 9. At that time I lived with my mother is San Diego, CA. When he got out he moved to Maryland with his parents and my mother sent us(me and younger sister) there to visit him and my grandparents. We stayed for 3 months. The next time we saw him I was 12. We lived with him for like 6 months and ended up going back to live with my mother because he tried to molest me. I was really into Prince at that time and he offered to buy me Prince stuff if I let him show me "how to make love". I told on him. I didn't see him again till I was 17 and even though I didn't want to, I went because my sister wanted to go and she wouldn't go without me. He didn't try anything that time probably because I took my boyfriend with us. When my younger sister was 17, she moved to the east coast with him. She ended up leaving a few months later because he offered to buy her lingerie but told her she could only wear it around the house, also the day after his offer, she was talking dirty to her girlfriend(she is a lesbian) on the phone and when she got off the phone she went to my dad's room and found him a sleep with the phone to his ear(so he was listening in while she was talking dirty to her girlfriend!). We didn't speak to him for some time. He called me when I was 22 and apologized to me for what he had done. I thought that was a big deal( at the time). 4 years ago my grandfather was dying and it had been a long time since I had seen any of my dad's family and my honey is from North Carolina and his family was having some issues so we decided to move to NC so we both could be near family. My grandfather passed away the day before I got here and it was at his funeral that I had seen my father for the first time in almost 10 years. My father and grandmother live in WV and it is about a 6 hour drive away from me. Me and my honey visit 3 or 4 times a year for the past 4 yrs. We can't afford gas so my grandmother covers that so she can see us. We(me and younger sister) have NEVER asked for anything from them our whole lives. My mom's family has been there for us not them. My younger sister fell upon a hard time and needed money for her rent. She broke down and asked my grandmother. My grandma didn't have a problem helping her untill after she talked to my dad, then she went off on my sister and told her that she was trying to pull on over on her and that we don't ever call them and she can't keep supporting us. EXCUSE ME!!!! US????? How did I get thrown into the mix. I didn't ask for help. SUPPORTING US??? I have NEVER asked them for anything, how are they supporting us, because they offer gas money so they can see me. I called my father because I was seriously confused. He went off, bringing up again that we don't call him, we don't say happy birthday or send Chrismas cards, yada yada yada. Am I missing something here? He never called us when we were growing up. He wouldn't even be talking to me now if I hadn't contacted him 4yrs ago. Then he has the nerve to tell me that the only reason I had my son was to trap my boyfriend. Umm...I have been with my b/f for 5 yrs and my son is 9months old...do the math. Then he went on to say that I am worthless because I am a stay at home mom and being a stay at home mom is not a job. Like he would know! Then made some comment that I could just put my son in a play pin. What??? Put him in a play pin. That is no way to raise a child. Just put him in a paly pin. How would he learn anything? I told him to kiss my ass several times then told him that he was a piece of shit child molester and hung up on him. He called my sister and said that he is not going to do shit for me but if his grandson needs something that he would do what ever it took to get him it. What? When did I ask for anything? NEVER!!!!! I will not talk to him ever again, EVER. Even though he is sick(molester), I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and tried to have some kind of relationship with him. He is the one that messed up his relationship with kids. It should fall on his shoulders to make the effort not the other way around. My grandma thinks that I am going over board by saying that I will have nothing else to do with him.

Am I crazy? Am I missing something? Some advice please.

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9 Comments

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Sara La - posted on 10/14/2010

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Cut him out u dont need that family whats the point why dont he fone u on chrismas and ur birthdays hes ther parent of u 2 if i were u he wud be gone! :D hope i helped

Sal - posted on 10/13/2010

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not crazy at all, you can only try for so long, just tell your grandmother if she wants to see you she can visit you anytimes she likes- witout your dad, the gas cost the same either direction...

Jessica - posted on 10/13/2010

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I have a crazy ass mother in-law who is very much the same in needing everything to be about her, even the birth of my child should have been all about her in her eyes, and she is nasty to my husband when she sees thing as us being mean to her. I finally wrote a mass email to her, her daughters and my husbands dad and his gf stating how things are and that I was tired of all the highschool drama. I'm assuming it pissed her off cause now she really won't talk to us anymore, lol and it is a huge weight off our shoulders. If she wants to disown us, we would be happy as could be.

Kimberly - posted on 10/13/2010

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You are NOT crazy. Sometimes you have to cut toxic people out of your life or they will continue to try to drag you down. You shouldn't spend one more ounce of energy on him, them, the situation. You have a family of your own now and don't need the abuse. EFF EM.

[deleted account]

I agree with Jenny. I didn't talk to my father for 3 years and it helped both of us out. Now we are on good terms and we call each other and talk. Cutting contact was necessary for our relationship to become healthy.

If you feel like it's the best for your family then by all means take the steps necessary. Don't feel guilty for it. It's your sanity.

Denikka - posted on 10/13/2010

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I personally wouldn't have had anything to do with him after he got out of jail (or as soon as I could possibly get away after that)
You tried. You gave him opportunities that most people wouldn't even consider giving him.
I'm (sort of) in the same boat (minus the molestation, jail etc). My dad walked out of my life when I was about 4, then walked back in when I was about 15. I wanted to give him a chance, so I opened up doors for him. He couldn't care less, he did exactly what he had done when I was little. He wanted to be completely in this *dad* role......when he wanted to be. I had to defer to him and what HE wanted for me at all times, but if I ever needed anything (emotional or financial) somehow I always got cut from the list of important things.
It's tough, and it's hurtful. But people like that are toxic. The only contact I have with my father now is for my sons sake (it's okay for a grandparent to only visit once a year, never call, and only send things (gifts or even cards) on birthdays and Christmas XP) I love my step mom, and my brothers and sisters, but I'll never again let my dad in like I tried to. You are completely justified (and right in my opinion) to cut your father out of your life completely. Move on and be happier for it :)

Charlene - posted on 10/13/2010

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I agree with Jenny.
Cut the dead weight. He's nothing but bad energy and negativity in your life. It's not worth trying to salvage a relationship if he's going to continue to act like this.
Get rid of him and move on. It's his loss. And anyone who doesn't understand this and blames you or gets mad at you are not worth your time either.

Jenny - posted on 10/13/2010

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Sometimes, to find sanity in life, we need to cut out the bad energy. I had to do this with my mother and I feel so much better now not having to listen to her cut me down at every chance.

It sounds like you've tried to have a relationship and it's just not working out. I'd cut him out and be done with it. Onwards and upwards and all that.

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