I became a step mom the minute she was born

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

So basically Being a step mom is SUPER hard. I became a step mom at the age of 19. My husband and I dated for a while and he cheated on me and we broke up he ended up getting that girl pregnant, they were together a total of 3 months before they ended it and he and I worked things out, we got married and 2 months later his daughter was born. I've tried numerous times to be "friends" with BM but she always finds a way to ruin it. Since my SD became my step daughter as soon as she was born, my DH has included me in parenting roles. He allowed SD to call me mommy when she started talking. At one point BM was okay with this saying that she knows that I am the one ususally doing everything for SD and even telling SD that I am "mommy" at daddys house and She is "mommy" at her house. But when DH and her got in an arguement she decided that she didn't want SD to call me mommy anymore. My SD is now 3 and calls me by my name sometimes she calls me momma but has told me that she will get a spanken by her mom if she calls me mommy. Her calling me mom is not That much of an issue, but I feel that I also deserve to be called that title. Only because I have been a mother to her also, since the day she was born.

Lately BM has been more difficult than usual, not giving clothes back not answering my texts when I have concerns, she only texts me or calls me when she needs something. Sending SD in just underwear. SD has told me that she doesnt like the neighbor's "dad looking at her naked and looking at her body". As soon as she told me this I told her dad and then I texted her mom to tell her. Her mom was pretty upset about it saying she was gonna kill him and that she would talk to her sister, since it is her neighbor that SD was talking about. I thought it was handled, But next time we picked her up it was at SD Aunt's Neighbor's house. She was asleep. Later SD told me that she still goes to that house by herself and that her aunt was not there. I ask BM if she knew that SD was still going over to the neighbors by herself? She didn't respond. I texted her again and said that DH and I don't be thinking a 3 yr old should be going anywhere by herself and especially after what she had told me. She didn't respond. Her Sister texted me telling me pretty much to "back off that i was not her mom never will be thanks for being "concerned" better yet controlling, that she would never put her in harms way. I'm worrying over nothing. She doesnt know where she got the whole naked thing from but it's not true. That i am ruining her neice and courrupting her. " I basically told her that I will not back off, and that I believe my SD over her, and when a 3 year old tells you what she told me THAT is a problem.

Another thing is, our papers say that we are only to have SD Tuesda Thursday 4-8pm and saturday 10 am to sunday 10 am. And a few months ago mom decided we could have her wed4pm to saturday 4pm. But the thing with that is anytime she gets mad she can use the original papers against us.

DH told me to start recording everything from the days we get her where we pick her up who picks her up reciepts texts everything.

Just wondering of anyone in a similar situation and any advice? We don't have any children of our own yet.


Kristi - posted on 09/11/2013




You are stuck between a rock and a hard place and it is so frustrating and difficult and even heartbreaking at times. I don't blame you for issuing a screw you to DH and BM and not helping them out anymore. But, if I may suggest, when BM calls/texts to see if you can watch your stepdaughter, maybe consider still answering those calls. At that point, you'd be helping your stepdaughter first because you know she's safe and loved while in your care. You can still document it for court. BM may think she's got you wrapped around her finger and it may feel like you're her bitch but in the big picture, you're doing what's best for your stepdaughter and in the long run that is going to matter more than any title or any legal status you may or may not have, especially if she is in danger. The more often she is with you, the less opportunities there are for her to be around those neighbors.

It's just a thought. I know how difficult it can be as a stepparent. Common sense and doing the right thing seems like it should out weigh biology, sometimes but the court system can be slllloooowwww when determining that a sperm or an egg does not always equal a good parent. Hang in there and try to stay focused on your stepdaughter and forget about what others might think about you or even how you think you look to others or how unfair things are for you. It's all about her. It sounds like you love this little girl. It sounds like she loves you. Just roll that and keep kicking hubby's ass to move forward for a new custody hearing. ; )

[deleted account]

I understand that I have no "rights" and I do understand that my husband is the one that has to tell her, and sometimes he does she just does what she wants anyways. And the thing is, I have NEVER done anything to her for her to be acting this way against me. If anything she has done stuff to ME! and I STILL try to get along with her. It shouldn't matter if she likes me or dislikes me, we should be on the SAME side when it comes to her child because at the end of the day that is who we are caring for and trying to protect.

Jodi - posted on 09/10/2013




I agree totally with Shawnn.

If your husband doesn't want to deal with the BM, then maybe he needs to man up. Sorry, but he slept with her, he got her pregnant, now he needs to deal with it.

The courts also won't care that you have been with her the same amount of time as the biological mother. The FACT is, you are NOT the biological mother, and if she doesn't want to deal with you, she doesn't have to. You can't control what the BM appreciates or does not appreciate. Sure, you can feel as hurt as you like, but it has absolutely no bearing on your "rights".

I can understand you are concerned. Either have dad talk to BM, or alternatively, take it upon yourself to contact Child Protection if you feel the need. But do you really think the BM is going to listen to you?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/09/2013




To start small: Custody arrangements through the courts cannot be changed arbitrarily, and if she's done so, she and your husband need to revisit the situation.

Also, any allegations of abuse, suspicions of such, etc, need to be pursued (again) by the child's father. In that respect, the mother's sister was right, you need to back off. You are not the biological parent, nor have you been granted legal guardian status, which means that you shouldn't even really be communicating with the other parent, because that gives her grounds to go back to court with the whole "my ex doesn't contact me, his wife does, so he has no interest and I want his custody removed" fight.

I'm not saying that the situation should not be pursued, but that you can't get far in your pursuit, and it's better to have her father handle any and all conversations, as well as pursuing the subject of abuse. Yes, the child is most likely being molested, or groomed, but all you can do is request a welfare check on her, and even that will go over better if your husband does so.

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[deleted account]

I have discussed it with him and he thinks it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it because if she would have said he "touched" her that would be different than him "looking" at her naked and that she tells him not to look at her when she is changing. So I guess I see where he is coming from but at the same time I wish he would still inquire about it first. He just doesn't like talking to BM, and I sort of don't blame him. Anytime he does call her up, anything she doesn't like she just hangs up on him, and then to avoid him further has one of her family members pick up her child, or if he goes to pick her up she has one of her family members open the door and get her instead of doing it herself. You know, at first we were okay for a while, she would even ask me to go places with her and SD. but she started making decisions that I questioned and told DH about and he confronted her so that's when we became not on such good terms. I'm not trying to be a "better" parent. It's not a competition to me. And that's how I feel like she's taking it. I just FEEL like SD is just as much mine as hers or anyones, and so I just have the natural mother instinct to protect her. I wonder if she would rather me be a cruel evil step mom to SD than just accept that I love her daughter and she loves me?

[deleted account]

He is going to take her back to court in a couple months but he's not going to talk to her about it, he's just gonna do it. I want for him to ask about a home study. Also, me contacting her, I don't see a difference than when she is the one always contacting me and not my husband, She always calls me to ask question or texts me, she asks me to watch her daughter on her days. I just don't think that is very fair. She gets to pick and choose when to ignore my calls and texts but she expects me to be at her beck and call. Well I already told my husband that i'm not dealing with her anymore. That if she calls me or text me i will not respond or answer and if she can't get ahold of him that is her problem.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/10/2013




Theoretically, Jessica, you are correct. However, we're talking about human nature here. She sees you as a "threat" to her. Regardless of the fact that he pretty much used her as a quick screw, she feels that you are a threat. Perhaps she thought that he'd see the light and come back to her, we don't know.

We understand that you have the child's welfare at the heart of this issue, but the reality of the matter is that you don't matter in the legal view of things, and unless your husband wants to step up, get new court orders, etc, you have to sit with your hands tied.

The most that you could do is have Child Services check out the allegations of abuse, but beyond that you cannot demand contact with BM, you cannot demand changes to custody and visitation, you have to get your husband to step up for that.

[deleted account]

In all honesty my husband doesn't want to deal with his BM so that is why he hasn't said anything to her but I did tell him he needs to be the one telling we like you said because she can make it seem like he doesn't care I do.
Secondly I don't care if I'm not her "biological" parent I have been in her life the SAME amount of time as her mom I do everything the same as her mother if not more my DH also considers me his daughters "mom" and she needs to appreciate the fact that someone cares and does as much as I do for her daughter not act like "i" am the bad guy. I am only concerned for my SD. And it hurts that I have no control because my SD deserves more.

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