I was unaware that the father of my baby was married, what do I do?

Adriana - posted on 12/27/2015 ( 3 moms have responded )

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I need advice on this issue. The father of my child is married. I was unaware of this until just yesterday when I posted a photo to social media and his wife saw it, and of course became upset. She was unaware of me also and though I knew he had a past relationship in which he has a son from, I didn't know that they were still married. He has his own apartment and has, in the past few months, moved me in and has started a life with me. Now, he has broken up with me because he blames me for his wife finding out yet he doesn't want me to leave. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to believe him and work things out, because of course I love him, but I fear he is truly a scumbag who played two females. Please, any advice will help.

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Raye - posted on 01/06/2016

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Keep in mind, he is still the father of your child, and you will have to try to co-parent with him at least until the child is 18. He will also have to try to co-parent with his (ex) wife. I know it's hard while you're in the situation not to lash out and be hurtful to one another, but all parents should try to think about what is best for the children, and keep their personal feelings from interfering with the children's needs.

If you are unmarried and not living with the father when you have the baby, you should file for child support, and get custody/visitation settled through court. That way, each parent knows what their rights are, and there can be legal consequences for failing to abide by those orders. Without court orders, he could get mad at you, cut you off financially, keep the child from you, and you'd have no recourse except to start from scratch with legal proceedings that would be a "he said/she said" messy battle. Easier to get it out of the way in the beginning and have a legal basis to hold him accountable.

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Adriana - posted on 01/06/2016

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Thank you for your advice. He and I are working on the relationship. They are headed for divorce, but she does not want to accept the fact that he moved on and has another baby on the way. She used their son against him and of course wish awful things on me and my baby. It is a big mess and though he trying, I feel it's better to let it all go. I know I don't need the stress.

Raye - posted on 01/06/2016

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Why are they still married, if living apart? Was he and his wife supposedly needing space to gain clarity and work things out, or were they on their way to divorce? In my mind, any relationship while you're still legally married is cheating. So, if he cheated on her, maybe he'd do it to you too. If he "broke up with you" but "doesn't want you to leave" is sounds like he wants to have it both ways... getting what he wants and not having to deal with consequences of his bad behavior.

I know you had a child with this guy, but you'd probably be better off moving out. If you do want to work on the relationship with him, it basically needs to start over from square one... no lies... full disclosure about what's going on with his (hopefully soon-to-be-EX) wife. He needs to work on regaining your trust. If you choose to give him a chance, you can't throw it in his face all the time. You have to seriously try to get past it. But, I want to say also to make sure you're doing it for you, and not trying to hold on to the relationship for your kid. Your child will be much happier if you are happy, even if you're not in a relationship with their father.

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