I would like to own a Canadian too...

[deleted account] ( 37 moms have responded )

Copied and pasted from a friend's wall on FB:

In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, which was posted on the Internet. It's HILARIOUS, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ...End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them. 1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness -Lev15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense. 4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it? 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there “degrees” of abomination? 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here? 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,
James M Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

37 Comments

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Ashley - posted on 12/18/2011

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I agree with Jenni Canadians should be able to buy slaves from America if the bible is to be believed! :P

Jayce - posted on 12/18/2011

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I, too, am Canadian and I'm for sale if the price is right. I warn you, I don't come cheap. I'm not much help in the cleaning the department but I'm a decent cook, an even better baker and competant with a needle and thread.

[deleted account]

I'm American and I own a Canadian -- my husband. It's a lot of work, though. Burden of property and all that.

Minnie - posted on 12/18/2011

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I might as well be Canadian. Only a hop-skip-and-a-jump away. Freezing enough here.

Jenni - posted on 12/18/2011

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So by default.... does this mean I can own an American? We really have no other choice in slaves, as America is our only neighbouring nation. Can I own a Texan? I love southern accents and the cowboy boots are sooo cute!

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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no moose. and pho is cheap. but he won't drink most American beer. He'd require import or Sam Adams

Iridescent - posted on 12/17/2011

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Eww. No, that wouldn't be. Is he a special breed of Canadian that requires regular doses of Moose or something? I don't get moose here, so that might add up quickly!

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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and it's not pretty watching someone eat noodle soup holding a controller

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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Hubby says no go on the puffs. He's too classy. Whatever that means.

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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He's fine with the flat rate box, but wants insurance on it in case he's damaged or lost.

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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Probably, he's quite thin. I can probably fold him well. What are you offering for him?

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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I asked hubby. He's not keen unless you will throw in conjugal visits home at least once a month.

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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Oh, and hubby would be in man-heaven. I hog the computer for COM and he's always been a pc gamer. Now he's getting an x-box, not realizing that I'll probably hog that too for dancing games...... I wonder if I can COM while dancing on XBox?

Iridescent - posted on 12/17/2011

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I have. We discussed getting a recliner with a fridge under the armrest, and a commode in the seat. We decided against it because it would only encourage the minion. :) Plus, my husband might end up liking that seat, and it would be quite difficult to hold a serious conversation.

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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Have you ever considered just having him sit on a potty in front of the tv?

Iridescent - posted on 12/17/2011

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Are you sure, Johnny? Boy #1 puts in long hours, and acts like it's a chore to have to get up and use the toilet during a long video game session! I'm not sure if it's because he's a boy, his age, or just him, but he scares me sometimes!

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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Well then, Iridescent, you can bid on my hubby. He'd be perfect for that job.

Iridescent - posted on 12/17/2011

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No, the hamster ran away after it bit my sister. He probably lived a long and happy life with lots of little half-breed hamster-mice babies all over the countryside!

Sorry for the realism! Maybe they can play video games with my kids instead, lol!

Karla - posted on 12/17/2011

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"Iridescent" (nice),
OMG you just described a Mexican domestic worker! yikes!
Suddenly a feeling of sickening realism in this thread.

Iridescent - posted on 12/17/2011

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I promise to feed and water my Canadian. Even better than I took care of my hamster!

Iridescent - posted on 12/17/2011

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I would like to buy a Canadian as well! They can be our nanny, housekeeper, and do our yard work! They won't have far to travel, and fortunately there is no yard work during our 9 months of winter, as the climate here is very much the same as Canada's (we only live 8 hours south of the Canadian border).

Karla - posted on 12/17/2011

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O_o I hadn't considered my selling points (arrogant American of the US variety.)
okay, I got this:
I'm a bleeding heart liberal! lol (A delicacy for some, Limbaugh eats us alive!)

Karla - posted on 12/17/2011

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How about I sell myself (a U.S. citizen) to a Canadian instead? I think it would benefit me more going that route. ;-)

Krista - posted on 12/17/2011

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All I ask from my new owner is a nice bed to sleep in, and plenty of wine and books. Start the bidding, bitches!!!

Johnny - posted on 12/17/2011

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Here! You can bid on me. At least until this thread gets deleted too, because it could actually be fun.

Krista - posted on 12/17/2011

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Haha! Well, Joy, just wanted to let you know that I am Canadian and I am currently for sale :)

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