Ideological Differences

Esther - posted on 04/16/2010 ( 25 moms have responded )

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Would you be able to be in a relationship (married or otherwise) with someone who doesn't share your political views, like James Carville and Mary Matalin for example? I don't think I could ever fall for someone who didn't share my core values and to me, political views are a reflection of core values. However, other people seem to be able to pull it off, like my good friend (the liberal) and her husband (the conservative). I personally even struggle maintaining friendships with people I disagree with politically. With said friend's husband, who I really do like, we have just fallen into a pattern of avoiding any talk of politics like the plague and we stick to topics like the kids, the weather, sports etc. Where do you all come down on this?

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Dana - posted on 04/18/2010

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There is no way I could be in a relationship with someone who didn't share my political views. I'd most likely end up calling them stupid and I don't believe in calling your spouse any names. lol I have a hard enough time letting political views of friends not affect relationships let alone trying one with someone I love and live with. I have one sister who is a conservative and she just repeats the BS that she hears and it takes all I have not to freak out on her. Mostly because she's quite rude about stuff and she's so damn wrong. Arg!

Lindsay - posted on 04/16/2010

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I grew up in house with a repuclican mother and a democrat father. We had some very interesting conversations at the dinner table, especially during election time. But despite their political differences, they have always had a very good, strong and respectful marriage, one that is going on 34 years. It has resulted in a very liberal brother, a conservative one, and me who is fairly neutral. I definately have my particulars that I'm passionate about, but I'm not fully one way or the other.

Josh and I don't agree on everything by any means, but we mostly have the same views. I think that having a close friendship/relationship/marriage with people that have drastically different views on things such as politics, religion, or even how you raise your children can put certain strains on them. It can be done, but it will come with it's own challenges.

La - posted on 04/16/2010

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Chris Rock made a very good point about relationship compatibility:

“That’s right. If you born-again, your woman gotta be born-again too. If you a crackhead, your woman gotta be a crackhead too. Or the sh*t won’t work! You can’t be like ‘I’m going to church, where you going?’ ’Hit the pipe!” That relationship aint going nowhere! Two crackheads can stay together forever.”

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Celia - posted on 04/27/2010

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We are both Liberal in our beliefs but that dosent say much! Liberals have a wide array of beliefs and there are some main points where we differ.
I remember being 5 months pregnant and being out to dinner with friends when the Abortion issue came up. I already know where we both stand so I said lets not go there tonight... but my guy is a guy and started saying his thoughts cant be squashed and women have the right to their own body and a fetus is just a fetus til its born... needless to say I had a hairy right then and there!! I am first off of the opinion that abortion is appropriate in some but not all cases because I feel a baby is a baby from conseption. But to hear the fater of your baby refer to it as a fetus and disposabe till birth was not a happy moment.
I yelled at him and threw money down for the bill and stormed down the street, it was only then that he remembered I was pregnant I think, poor guy went white and chased after me as I yelled at him down the street to stay the heck away! lol
We are both VERY opinionated and have strong values but yes we differ, sometimes strongly. But we always see the other persons point of view and respect them for it... unless 5 months pregnant ;D

Lady - posted on 04/27/2010

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My husband and I met when we were both quite young and so a lot of our ideology ideas have kind of grown together as we both grew up, we have very similar veiws on pretty much everything, I don't know if that's coincidence or just cause of what we've been through together we seem to be like two halves of the same person most of the time, sing the same songs at the same time for no reason, finish each others sentances or just know what the other one is going to say. I think if we were to have conflicting veiws about religion or poliltics then we wouldn't be like we are and I wouldn't feel the same way about him. It's nice to feel like were both on the same page.

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I'm married to a man who's ideological and political views are mostly different from my own. Yes, it's annoying at times, but not divorceable. Anyone can love someone who they like, but I think true love is about loving a person even if you can't stand their views and you don't always like them.

Dana - posted on 04/26/2010

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That is sad and especially since you live in CANADA!! WTF is wrong with her. lol

Isobel - posted on 04/26/2010

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my brother married a republican though (I only found out recently) but I always knew she hated me and my family...I just couldn't figure out why till I found out she was a Bush fan ewwwwwww ;P (I didn't even know we had those in Canada)



I think it's sad though that my brother has pretty much cut off his family cause his wife hates their politics

Isobel - posted on 04/26/2010

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While I do have plenty of friends who are almost opposite to me...I couldn't have a partner that was. I agree with Dana, I'd end up calling him names.

Roop and I agree about almost everything but still when a political argument comes up it can get pretty ugly...in fact...I don't think that we argue about anything else (we're both pretty laid back about life in general and pretty passionate about politics)

Emma - posted on 04/26/2010

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My hubby and i are chalk and cheese,
I think the only thing we do agree on is we love each other and our kids...lol
Everything is a debate with us and we have to find middle ground on things.
It comes down to respecting the other person,
I could not of married a hypocrite or be friends with one that's a deal breaker with me.

Sara - posted on 04/19/2010

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My husband and I don't agree on everything, but the basis of our ideologies is very similar. I enjoy a good debate, but I dont' think I could be in a relationship with someone who had completely opposite view of the world. For example, I don't agree with war. I don't think I could be so close to someone who thought we should just carpet bomb the middle east with nukes, it hard for me to respect that.

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My husband and I have been married for 25 years. We do not share views on politics, religion and sports! Oh, man, even TV shows! We probably have more conflicting ideas than common ones! But we share import views like family, discipline, education - that stuff that our everyday is filled with.

I came to Christ after we were married and had our son. It was that faith that held us together when things went bad in our marriage. Opposites attract, but there needs to be somethings in common to hold the bond!

ME - posted on 04/18/2010

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Trav and I disagree on a couple of issues, but for the most part we are both pretty liberal/progressive on social issues...I could not be married to someone who differed ideologically from me! I know this because I dated a couple of them, and it didn't work out. One of them was a very religious social conservative (and one of my closest friends); all we did was fight for the 6 months or so that we dated. The other was a financial conservative (a capitalist with a capital C), he was insanely hot...easily the best looking man I've ever dated...but it didn't matter at all...I couldn't stand his political views...we had nothing in common!

Jess - posted on 04/18/2010

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I guess politics is just different here in Australia. You either like the current government or you don't, Not much is said on the topic and that topic rarely comes about. My partner doesn't even vote. Which I think is wrong, he has lived here his entire life, he was born here for crying out loud. His dual citizenship is a joke and just an insult to a country that has paid millions to educate him, keep him healthy and fix his extremely wonky teeth. Perhaps we should send Italy half the bill ! So despite me telling him he is an ungrateful prat, we don't really discuss politics. But I do vote for the lady he hates most just to annoy him. I remind him that he could always vote for someone else !

Mary - posted on 04/17/2010

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My husband and I are a bit different in our political outlooks, but it's never been a problem for us. This is most likely because neither of us are overly passionate about politics, and on the few issues either of us feels strongly about, we just agree to disagree, and NEVER try to berate each other with why we feel whatever view is wrong. I used to describe myself as more of a middle-of-the-road kind of girl, but the older I get, the more liberal I find myself becoming. My husband, also fairly middle-of-the-road, is tending to become more conservative. Not a hate-filled, homophobic,racist,sexist pig...but we typically vote opposite each other. Funnil enough, my own parents seemed to evolve the same way. They would listen to each other's outbursts on say, healthcare reform, and just calmly remind each other of their own opinions, but never allowed it to become a heated debate amongst themselves. It works, because none of us are politically active other than always voting.



The one place it could become an issue is with my husband's family, but luckily, they live over 5 hours away, and we do not see them too often. They are from a tiny, sheltered town in the mountains of NW Pennsylvania. Very conservative, right-wing, religious and patriarchial. Pro-guns, pro-life kind of people. A tad racist, but mostly because ethnic diversity is pretty much non-existent in their town.



I just avoid ANY remotely political discussion when we see them, and if the FIL starts off about say, abortion, I just try to bite my tongue for the sake of family harmony. They were in town last WE for my mom's funeral (and I truly appreciated them coming to help with Molly, it was beyond kind). Anyway, we were putting Molls in the car seat to drive to the cemetery, and he made some comment about the "ridiculous" car seat laws, and kids being in them until their teens, but it's okay to "kill unborn innocent babies". Now, it was a widely inappropriate time, and I'm pretty sure he knows my views on this. I just quietly said "Today is not the day...this is not a topic that we should ever discuss, it will only lead to anger". He dropped it, and moved on to something else more innocent, and that was the end of it.



I only worry about how to handle some of this later, when Molly is older. I jsut don't want her buying into some of that crap that they subscribe to, but I also want her to love and respect her grandparents, aunts and cousins. They truly are good people, and they love us immensely. As long as they respect that I will NOT be okay with her sleeping in the spare room which also houses the gun cabinet (huge hunters, and I'm really anti-gun, as well as the animal rescue freak!), I'm hoping I can navigate the rest of it without any animosity. Time will tell.

Krista - posted on 04/17/2010

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I echo the sentiment that I can be friends with people with different views, as long as those views aren't hateful. I have friends who are very deeply religious. But their religion brings them a lot of personal joy, and they don't try to convert me, and I don't try to convert them to atheism. But we sometimes have some very interesting discussions about faith. I have some friends who are conservative. My husband is a bit more conservative than I am. He's more centrist, whereas I'm more of a bleeding-heart liberal. But it's all good -- he's socially liberal as far as human rights go, so that works for me. :) I don't think I could be friends with someone who's very far-right, or whose politics are based solely on whatever drivel Glenn Beck is spouting. I am friends with women who are very much pro-life. My own mother is pro-life. And we tend to just bypass that topic, but have at least managed to find common ground about the real need to reduce the numbers of unintended pregnancies.

Sarah - posted on 04/17/2010

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Being non-political, i don't really care what peoples political views are.
As Carol said, if someone has hateful values, then i wouldn't associate myself with them.
I really don't follow politics at all, so i have no strong views either way. I think all the political parties (here in the UK) are pretty much as bad as each other!

My husband is very much of the same view as me though.
To be honest, i don't care which political party someone supports, so long as they are nice and fun to be around, i'll be friends with them! It's quite nice being neutral and naive on politics, because sometimes my little simplistic view throws people off their stride! lol!
I think having a spouse that had completely different core values would be hard, but i don't believe that politics have much to do with core values really. (i know some people will point out that politics have a lot to do with EVERYTHING, but you get my drift!)

Johnny - posted on 04/16/2010

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I have no issues with having friends and family members who have differing political ideals. We often have good discussions on these issues and I've learned lots from them. But they are people who I am able to respect. However, if one of them was homophobic, racist, sexist, or any sort of hatemonger, I would not be interested in continuing that relationship. I have no interest in associating with bigoted people, I have no respect for that. So there is no point in a friendship or a family relationship. Luckily for me, all of my friends and family, no matter how different their views, are still intelligent, respectable people with whom I am able to enjoy good debates.

My uncle, for instance, is probably the most conservative person whom I know personally (very fiscally conservative, but not so much socially). We had a very close relationship as I grew up, and we always went camping together. We spent hours sitting around the campfire discussing politics and I learned a lot from him. I am very liberal, but there are things on which we do see eye to eye.

I have lost a friendship over ideological differences though. But it was her choice, not mine. My best friend became a born-again Christian in high school, and since I would not "take Jesus into my heart" she ended the friendship. She said that she could not be friends with a godless heathen.

But a spouse, no, I think for me, we'd need to share a similar outlook. My husband and I see things quite similarly. We have these great arguments and then when it gets down to the brass tacks, it turns out that we actually completely agree but failed to communicate properly. I can't imagine living in a relationship where those sort of disputes were not resolved. Also, my beliefs are pretty important to me, I'm not a "namby pamby", so I would not be comfortable nor interested in sublimating my core values just to "get along".

Esther - posted on 04/16/2010

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Yes, I'm not rigid on all issues. Abortion is actually an issue that I can really understand the other side on, and although I remain firmly pro-choice, I could respect my spouse being against abortion (as long as he's not rabid about it :)) The war in Iraq is not an issue I'm rigid on (just don't tell me there were any weapons of mass destruction there). However, racism, gay rights, understanding that government has a role to play in protecting the vulnerable (financially or otherwise), torture, things of that nature are non-negotiable for me.

Rosie - posted on 04/16/2010

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i do agree with the gay rights thing esther. i would never be with someone if they couldn't support gay rights. my father is a huge homophobe, and makes sure everyone knows it. he's also a racist prick. believe it or not, he is also a good man, and i make an exception for his ignorance because he is my dad and wonderful in many different ways. if it were my potential life partner, i wouldn't allow it.
i just thought of something though. my husband is racist. he's not the lets kill em all type of racist, but it comes off to me that a black person has to prove themselves to him before he'll be comfortable to be friends with them. i think i put up with that in hopes that i can change the way he feels, and also his ability to not let it affect how he portrays himself to others and our kids. he doesn't go around spewing hate about blacks, he doesn't say anything to our kids, it's something internal he deals with.

jenny, the friend i talked about before, is pretty close to me. i know she is against abortion, i'm pro choice. again, we respect each other's opinions without agreeing.

i do agree that we each have that issue that we won't budge on, gay rights is one of mine. i don't care if others agree with me on taxes or abortion though. that to me isn't as important as how they treat someone.

Esther - posted on 04/16/2010

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I get your point Kati and I can respect women on COMs for example who don't share my views (well maybe not all, but some ;) but when it comes to marriage (or even close friendships), I need our views to be more alligned. There is no way on the planet for example that I could marry someone opposed to gay rights, or who thinks it's right that Warren Buffet pays less in taxes than his admin (percentage wise). To me that does tie back to core values of basic fairness and equality.

Rosie - posted on 04/16/2010

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for some reason i always tend to be friends with conservatives. my hubby was conservative until he married me (i fixed him up good, lol!!). he was also an atheist and i was christian (weird since he was conservative), now i'm an atheist. we bounce ideas, and thoughts off of each other and learn from each other. we're pretty much opposites, but since we are both respectful of each others thought and opinions that it works. if we didn't have that respect, it wouldn't work. i will even fight other people, even if i agree with them, for my husband to have his opinion respected.

with my friends, we stay off of most topics that cause combativeness. i am completely against the war in iraq. one of my good friends isn't. her husband fought over in iraq. while i am eternally grateful for what he did,but i don't agree with why he was there. and obviously, i'm not going to tell my friend that i think her husband was put in harms way everyday for 18 months for no good reason. i'm not going to tell her that what he felt he was fighting for was a bunch of hooey. i love her, and him, to much to even bring up the war, let alone in a negative way.

i've found that politics don't necessarily represent core values like you say it does. the core value that is really important to me is respect. without my respect for jenny, my relationship with her wouldn't of made it past the first 2 weeks. without my husband and i respect for each other we wouldn't of made it either. i don't think conservatives are all vindictive, lying, greedy, unsympathetic trolls like they are portrayed in the liberal media. sure there are some people out there like that, but the vast majority of people have similar values, and the ability to respect and understand other peoples opinions, while still disagreeing. kindof like on here!! lol!

Carolee - posted on 04/16/2010

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I almost never talk about my political views. My husband knew when we first started talking (as friends) that it was an off-limits subject for me. There are times when we do have mini conversations about it when my husband really feels the need, though.



I honestly had never associated politics with core values. But, I tend to over-compartmentalize my life.

Joanna - posted on 04/16/2010

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Sometimes I wish my husband had any political views at all, even if they were different than mine! He does care about some things, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't really give a crap about politics, and while I'm not the most politically charged person, it's kind of hard to deal with, especially when it's something near and dear to me... I just want to shake him and say "HAVE AN OPINION!!"



Now my family, on the other hand, are hardcore republicans, so when we get together, we have to stick to neutral subjects.

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