Individual privacy in a marriage

Emma - posted on 06/03/2013 ( 20 moms have responded )

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Ok, so when I say Privacy, it is simply that, not secrecy.

I just want to know what you all feel about this issue, how important it is, why it's important, and if there were certain things you could choose to be 'private' in your marriage, what would they be? E mail accounts? The mail? Telephone conversations with friends/family? The ability to go into a room with a book and not worry about being asked why you want to be alone, or being made to feel guilty about enjoying your own company once in a while.

I'm having some issues , there is a battle of control going on, it's not serious, but, I feel if not addressed properly, it could be. Anyway, thoughts please!

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Jodi - posted on 06/10/2013

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Ok, immature may have been a better word to use, and is much clearer in your most recent post. Age and maturity are not always synonymous.

I see no reason for you to get so nasty and insulting towards others. And insulting our husbands because it isn't a situation that you and your husband can live with is totally uncalled for. In the words of someone I heard earlier this week "that's a bitch move" and is rude, obnoxious and absolutely unnecessary. Not everyone is the same, and your view of your husband is not the way everyone thinks. All relationships are different. Becoming verbally abusive and insulting people because you don't agree is really not the act of a mature person.

Evangelyna - posted on 06/09/2013

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Everyone needs alone time every once in a while but it's not something that should be hard to communicate. The only thing I keep "private" is my writing. I like to write stories and poems but I'm incredibly insecure about them and don't let anyone read them. He knows this and respects it. Other than that we tell each other everything, I don't like secrets and neither does he. I don't have anything to hide from him. If I want to be alone, I tell him that I need time alone right now but let's do something later. You should be friends with your husband, in my opinion, best friends even. Every elderly person I ever met who told me they had been together for decades said the secret was, "marry your best friend." That always made sense to me, your best friend is the person you trust most in this world, who you can confide in and be yourself around 24/7, the person you never fear judgment from who wouldn't want to marry their best friend! My husband is my best friend and has been since we were 12 years old, he knows more about me than anyone else and that strengthens our relationship and makes things easier. I'm very lucky that I don't have to worry about privacy/secrecy issues, we know each others deepest, darkest secrets already, I couldn't imagine being married and committed to someone who I wasn't 100% free to be myself with, insecurities and all.

Emma - posted on 06/10/2013

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I sound young? Do you have voice recognition on the Text? I am 38 years old and we have been together for 15 years, our children are 14, 13,13 ( twins) and 7 , but I will tell you this, after reading this '' ooo my husband is my bestust friend' posts, it has made me realise that maybe I can put up with him being a nosy old git!!

My Husband to me is a Father, Lover, Provider, but ultimately, he is a 'Man' and I cannot for the life of me imagine that any women would be his best friend. We share a bond, yes, we love each other, yes, we occasionally have the same interests, yes, but he has a best friend, his name is 'Dave' another raa raa hairy chested man , and they both enjoy getting muddy with their quad bikes, staying up all night fishing, playing rugby to the point where they are black and blue. You are deluded if you think your Husband is your best friend, and if he is, you have to wonder just how much estrogene he has in his body, because it seems to be lacking testosterone somewhere!!

Thanks Ladies, it seems my 'privacy' issues are petty by comparison to your needy co dependant ones!!!

Sally - posted on 06/07/2013

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I'm lucky that my husband is much more interested in making sure I have enough privacy and "me time" than I am.
That said, there are some things I do and say that while they are completely harmless to our marriage, he would be unhappy about them and it works both ways. He doesn't need to know what my girlfriends and I say about our husbands and/or kids after we've had a glass of wine and I certainly don't want to know what he and his buddies are saying about us over a beer.
While getting married should make you and your husband the most important adults in each others lives, it should not make the two of you into a single entity. If one of you can't trust the other, the marriage has deeper issues than who someone is talking to or what they are reading and trying to control another adult for any reason never ends well.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/11/2013

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Oh my good grief! Thanks for the laugh, Emma thanks for the laugh!

My hubby and I ARE besties. We drink together, belch together, and yes, make horrible comments about just about anything...LOLOL

And I don't hide a damn thing from him. He wants to see my text from Mel telling me all about what an ass Todd is...then he can see it! He wants to read a letter I got from my mom? OK!

We tried it the other way, sweetie, and it created trust issues. It created insecurities, and two miserable married people. To this day, I look at everyone else who has to "have their privacy" on their phones, emails, whatever, and wonder...what's do damned "private" that you have to keep it from your spouse? NOTHING, in my book, and my marriage is 25 years strong and ongoing, TYVM!!!

But, like I said, thanks for the awesome laugh!




ETA "needy, codependent issues" ROFLMAO!!!!! No, honey, we have excellent relationships. Healthy, open, excellent relationships. But, hey, you stay in your little world...it's ok, they are used to you there...

Jodi - posted on 06/09/2013

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You sound very young, Emma. My husband and I ARE best friends. In fact I was the one that just comforted him (he was in tears) in missing his children because I am the one he talks to. No need for the insults. He is not emasculated. He is empowered by the fact he has a wonderful understanding wife he can talk to any time. And vice versa. I feel sad for you that you think a husband being a best friend is so laughable. Maybe it is not for you, but it isn't fair to laugh at and insult others who do have that relationship with their husbands.

Emma - posted on 06/09/2013

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Aisha, showing an interest!!!! Umm, nope , what happens is, he has a 'nose' and then says ' omg you 'women' is this what you talk about pffft' Why? Because men dont want to hear that crap, which then leads to ' if you dont want to hear that crap, stop nosing at my conversations and if you do, dont have the audacity to mock or make comments' Which then leads back to ' can i have some privacy please'

Not tell you everything? I think its rather simple!!! there is a difference between privacy and secrecy, I want the former,what else is there to tell you?

As for your husband being your best friend, that just makes me laugh, the notion that you believe that you can be 'man' enough to satisfy him is just ridiculous,, stop trying to emasculate your men!!! Get a life!!!

Lily - posted on 06/08/2013

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Are you sure you're telling us everything?

I can't believe your husband would be interested in your girly things - are you sure there's not a man involved here somewhere?

I agree with you Jodi, my husband is my friend too.

Aisha - posted on 06/08/2013

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lol!!

alright alright I get u woman!!!

i suppose he doesn't have to know everything but even if he does and he shows an interest
surely it will bring u closer..u have more to chat about...
vice versa. I think men can be best friends.

Emma - posted on 06/08/2013

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Aisha, a word to the wise, your husband doesnt really want to know about your menstrual cycle, your girlfriends 'thrush' problems , the crush one used to have on 'Billy Idol' Which epilating cream works best around the bikini line area, whos 'doing' who in the latest soap. which one of your friends is having 'sex problems within her marriage' , how to deal with cystits homeopathically, how you sometimes 'fake a headache' because you are too knackered after dealing with the kids and the house and school runs etc, and if you seriously think he is interested, then you need to re evaluate and evaluate quickly, because there is an old saying , and its true to this day '' never shave your legs in front of your husband'' Metaphorically speaking, thats what you are doing when you are laying all this feminine crap at his doorstep. Men, need to be left alone to be men, they aren't your 'best friend' when was the last time you sat down with your husband, a can of beer in front of the TV scratching your balls whilst making the odd 'misogynistic comment about the weather anchor?

I rest my case!!!!!

Emma - posted on 06/08/2013

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Nope, not the same thing, as I have reiterated three times now, so, here we go for the last time, you must bare in mind that secrecy is an 'intent' to deceive, note the word 'intent' and then lets perhaps get on with the actual thread and its 'intentions' without you making empty and false allegations, yes?

Aisha - posted on 06/08/2013

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So what is privacy??

What is secrecy??

If not careful they could mean the same thing..

Emma - posted on 06/07/2013

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Its not a trust issue , its a privacy issue, and I get none. I disagree with Aisha, just because you share your life, doesn't mean to say you have to share thoughts that really will not add anything to the relationship, in fact, it would cause tension because the man would be forced to try and understand something that he never will. We are members of the opposite sex, he cannot EVER provide for me, the exchanges I have with female friends, the ability to have a very shallow whine about the irritating habits of your Husband/kids etc . You have to understand as I stated in the original post, I'm not after secrecy, im after privacy, and they are two very very different things.

I would like to talk to friends on messanger with the confidence, that my Husband isnt reading my exchanges, does that mean our marriage is on the rocks? Dont be silly, it isnt, it just means that being married, doesnt mean sacrificing who you are , as a man/woman, and it certainly doesnt mean that from the point of ' I do' you will not be able to share a single solitary thought with someone else, outwith the marriage.

Jodi - posted on 06/07/2013

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Actually, if you are getting paranoid and have trust issues, it is often YOUR problem, not his. Unless, of course, you have evidence that he is doing the wrong thing. But if you can't trust him, even if you don't know where he is, then something isn't right in the first place.

Aisha - posted on 06/07/2013

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That's what I'm struggIing with at the moment!
I think husbands should tell you what they are doing, where they are going and who with..they shouldn't be secretive about it. They should tell u who they are talking to on the phone and not move to the next room like my husband is doing at the moment.
Husbands are your life partners, you should be sharing most things together, including dreams, fears and problems etc..

If they don't tell you then u get paranoid! And trust issues begin. My husband can have the password of my email and fb page..i don't care, as I don't have anything to hide, but hes not bothered! I wish he was because it shows he does care. He doesn't ask? Whereas it bothers me who he talks to, and where he goes. Especially when hes at work. I don't know if I'm controlling or paranoid too, but its not my fault.
He never talks about anything, or shares anything!
Which is why I think its IMPORTANT to share most things. You are sharing your LIFE together.

Jodi - posted on 06/04/2013

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I think there is a difference between privacy and just wanting to have some time to yourself without having to explain it. My husband and I respect that sometimes we need our own space, and there are no questions about why. Everyone needs their own space sometimes.

I wouldn't freak, however, if my husband decided to look at my emails, my posts online, or other stuff like that because there is nothing there that he doesn't know about me already. I would, however, be very concerned that there might be a trust issue if he did. But he never asks me what I'm typing - I guess he figures it is important to me and that's all that matters. He doesn't need to know every detail of what I do every minute of the day.

Emma - posted on 06/03/2013

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Husband is an open book, a simple man really, traditional maybe. Me, I am a little more protective of my involvements outwith the family, nothing untoward, just things like this for example, I expect that I should be left in peace, to freely type what I want, without having to explain why I said something that someone else maybe doesn't understand. Fact of the matter is, I don't want him to understand, If I did, then I would be typing it to him, not to anonymous people around the world, and for me, this concept is simple, we, as in my Husband and i are the opposite sex, we have much in common, but not everything in common, that might translate to him that 'he isn't enough for me' which frankly, he isn't! He is enough for me as in the context of our relationship, but there is more to life than ,my relationship with him!!! Oh for gods sake, I need therapy, who am I trying to kid!!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/03/2013

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Nothing for me. I am an open book to my husband and so is he. The most privacy I get is closing the bathroom door. If I need some time to myself, or he does, we let each other know, and we let the other one take some time alone.

I had a relationship once where I was pretty much being stalked in my own home. It was terrible, so if that is what you are going through, I feel for you. There is a difference between someone snooping in your life, vs being an open book.

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