Insight? Opinions?

Sharon - posted on 04/14/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )




Its definitely not a debate.

But its been bothering me. I have a really sweet friend. She bounces from guy to guy, dirtbag to dirtbag, bed to bed willy nilly.

Its as if she's desperate for love. I have, of course, counseled her to sit back and take a breather from dating. Get her education back on course, job, home situations secure. she even got involved with a married guy. they were engaged while he was married. UGH. Everyone around the guy swore that his marriage was over, his wife was scum, blah blah blah. I still counseled that waiting until he had at least served her with divorce papers before getting engaged would be the smartest thing to do.

Nope. he got all the way to booting the lazy wife out of the house. 3 days later he declared his undying love for his wife and booted teh girlfriend out. AFTER she cleaned his house and refinished his floors. I shit you not.

a month later she was engaged to new guy. 4 months later, he's scum, a month later she's engaged to a new guy. the good news is - none of these new guys are married, even if they are all shitheads.

Why can't she reason? I understand wanting love & companionship. hell I understand being desperate for it. I also understand that when you are feeling SOOOO desperate/lonely you HAVE to step back from yourself and just put the brakes on. Why can't she?


Tah - posted on 04/15/2010




its as simple as she doesnt know her worth. She doesn't know what she wants and she is willing to accept whatever because she is desperate to have someone love her. She needs to take time and get to know herself, live with herself, work on herself, love herself. Here is the big thing, you can't do it for her. she has to get tired of it, she is not tired yet, The truth is, the way she is and what she is used to at this point, if mr. perfect came around she would probably screw him over, she isn't ready yet. You can just support her and encourage her to do better..but usually they dont want to do her, tell her to make a list of things she likes about herself, and what she wants in a man, put it on her mirror so she can see it everyday, in the meanwhile, get something besides men to keep her busy because when she isn't looking, that is when he will come along.

I don't know what her homelife was, but i learned what a man is supposed to be from my daddy, my parents have been married over 40 years and i have never seen them argue(im sure it has happened, i haven't seen it) my daddy still opens doors for my mommy, blings her out for every holiday and occasion, supports everything she does and vice versa, he has worked up to 3-4 jobs at once when they were young with a growing family and he was in school, when he one great job and finished the seminary he still made sure she and all 10 of us(7 biological and 3 cousins raised with us) had everything we NEEDED. I haven't always dated the best guy, but trust me, i alway knew what type of guy i was gonna marry, and he had to be like my daddy. I was Blessed in that i prayed for this and when i broke up with my ex-fiance(who started out like my i took time for me, i had been with him from 18-24..i was a different person, i prayed that he would help me to find who he had for me. I stayed single, got new furniture, was in nursing school, painted my house olive green(new and dated, next thing i knew i was married to someone who knows a woman's worth..but i had to know my own first.

We all have friends like this. I have a sister who acts like she didnt grow up with us, she is beautiful, educated, and makes good money, house, vehicle..and the worse taste in men i have ever seen. You just have to support her, listen, try not to judge and be there until she realizes she is better than this.

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Tah - posted on 09/14/2010




It goes back to what i said when this was originally posted, look at how her parents are, is there any wonder she was exhibiting attention seeking behaviors...smh....and the bad thing is with children like that..they almost never stop seeking the parents approval and they rarely if ever get it...she still needs therapy...

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2010




Oh her parents are utterly unimpressed with her education, they aren't college educated so i'm sure they're jealous or scared of her. Their other child is an utter fuck up and they devote all their time to saving his worthless ass and the rest of their time to putting her down. They put down her choice of career, put down her choice of vehicle, you name it they hate it.

Sharon - posted on 09/14/2010




I'm sure you guys are curious = her self esteem is low because her parents SUCK BALLS. OMG if I could bitch slap them to hell, I would. They're horrible people

She's put herself through college, she's got her BA, she's amazing. She is hoping to get her PhD but its a recession. Finding jobs is hard as hell much less jobs in her specialised field.

She married the last guy I mentioned. Despite their excellent college backgrounds they are as poor as church mice, no kids for either of them, thankfully, and they've had to go travelling to find work. I THINK they've found a stable place finally. They've had some issues with friends & family butting in and they've bonded over that, so we'll see how this plays out.

Ah, after the married guy gave her the boot she aborted his baby, leaving both of them fkd in the head for a while. Since I'm friends with both, ugh, geeze its been um interesting at least.

I've had my very own day time soap opera to keep me entertained these past few months.

Seriously, I'm being the supportive, non judgemental friend (well not openly), at this point.

Tara - posted on 09/14/2010




Deep rooted low self-esteem is my guess.
There exists within in her somewhere some underlying shame and loss of self-confidence. It seems to me like she is searching for a piece of herself that she thinks only exists when she is in a relationship.
Whatever is lacking in her self she is attempting to find in the arms of a man. The fact that she attracts an army of dickheads also gives weight to her low self esteem. She doesn't feel she is good enough for a nice single guy so she seeks out men who will treat her like shit or worse who are unavailable to her because they are married or committed. This is a way for her to keep avoiding her own issues. It's easier to blame your sadness and loneliness on the dicks in your life rather than to examine your life and find out why you attract such negativity.
Talk to her again. Have an intervention, lol. Seriously though if you care about her, talk to her. See if you can find out why she feels so low about herself.
good luck

Stifler's - posted on 09/14/2010




I think when you are desperate and lonely you take a chance with ANYONE and see their good points and believe being in a relationship is better than being single at any cost that's why she is getting with these scum bags instead of going about her business and finding a decent person along the way.

Lea - posted on 04/16/2010




Some people cannot be alone. A doctor told me that a person's personality is formed before the age of 5 and its the most difficult thing to change. Shes trying to fill an endless void inside herself where parts of her personality did not form. Some people do this with food.

Sharon - posted on 04/15/2010




WOW. I knew these types of women were kinda prevalent - but this is a lot.

Well, thanks heaps guys. She lives pretty far away so our only contact is via text messages and occasional emails. thankfully she's to busy for facebook, lol

Rosie - posted on 04/15/2010




wheni was younger, i did this. not quite as bad, i didn't get engaged or anything. i was just a little whore, looking for someone to love me. i have had daddy issues, and i had just broken off a 5 year relationship-the only relationship i had ever had. it took me having a kid out of wedlock to get my head screwed on straight, and then it took my husbands love and understanding to get me completely straight. seriously sounds like daddy issues to me.

Krista - posted on 04/15/2010




My sister is like this too. I don't think she's been single since she was 14. She has this pathological terror of being alone, it seems. If a relationship ends, she has to find herself another man right away, even if it's some scumbag who only wants to use her for sex. I feel bad for her kids, because they've had so much upheaval in their short lives. She dragged them halfway across the country to be with a guy who she was in a long-distance relationship with. When things didn't work out, she dragged them back again (this, after her kids and his kids had gotten as close as siblings.) Then last year she had a boyfriend and his two kids move in. They moved back out a couple of weeks ago. His kids are just babies, and had been starting to call my sister "Mommy" (their mother isn't in the picture.) It's heartbreaking. I've begged her to go to therapy and to take a year-long hiatus from even THINKING about men. But I might as well talk to a tree, for all the good it does.

ME - posted on 04/15/2010




My sister is like this...she's been engaged 4 times and married twice. The first time something doesn't go her way, she cheats, leaves the guy and moves on to the next one...I worry about her, I counsel her, I plead with her, and eventually, I think I'll give up...there just is no changing some people!

[deleted account]

My brother is like this! He loves to fall in love. As soon as the honeymoon stage is over, so is the relationship. He has flown to Indonesia & Florida to hook up with girls he "fell in love with" online!!! Having grown up in a divorced family my brother has lost hope in marriage and in turn relationships I'm sure! He is IN LOVE with every girl he sleeps with, be it for a couple days, weeks, months, well it doesn't usually go past months...I've had soo many almost SILs its rediculous! I don't pay attention to who he dates anymore! I never really know their names, or meet them...He's the same way with jobs and where he lives...I've lived in the same place for 8 yrs, he's lived in ATLEAST 12 in the same amt of time, I bet if I thought about it I could come up with more!!!

I don't know what to tell you? You can't FIX her. She needs counseling! She needs confidence! The other mom was right, she has no self can't give that to someone. Some where down the road she lost sight of her value and SHE needs to do the work to get it back!!!

[deleted account]

Sharon, I also have a friend who you have semi-described. My friend tends to bed hop but only when she's sort of in a relationship, and only when there's some kind of financial backing. Her life is so unstable right now becasue she uses people and emotionally drains people. I have loaned her quite a bit of money over the years as well. At this time, I have decided that every conversation frustrates me to no end. She listens to NOTHING I say or offer as advice. I haven't spoken to her in almost 2 weeks, and quite frankly I don;t miss her at all. So many times I have tried erasing her away, but when you've been friends with someone for 22-23 years, it's easier said than done. You're friend will continue to make mistakes. Let her. Limit your phone conversations and let her fail miserably again and again. Sad reality. Always hope for the best for her though!

Lisamarie - posted on 04/15/2010




Sounds like my aunty! She always has a new man, she has two children from a 7 year relationship then after that she just went from pillow to post with any man that would take her. And she had children to take care of. She's now engaged to a new fella, she lives far away and because she's been with so many men I don't even remember his name and they've now got a baby together.
I agree with Joanna, therapy might help, it seems as if she doesn't like herself very much and can only be happy if she's with a man. Just continue being there for her. :)

Joanna - posted on 04/14/2010




Some women just really are desperate for love. Maybe she just never felt loved when she was younger, so at the first sign of love (even just lust) she just attaches herself.

I'd suggest some sort of therapy for her... I go to therapy just to vent, and my therapist has uncovered reasons why I am the way I am... I think your friend needs her reasons uncovered.

Carolee - posted on 04/14/2010




Maybe she just thinks, "well, this is the best I'm gunna get..." I know I had that opinion until I finally got fed up with abusive relationships. I also used to think of marriage as a temporary thing. Literally, I had only planned to ever be married for two years or so to any one person. It took a lot of personal "soul searching" and having my son to change my mind. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do but be honest (but lovingly honest) with her. No doubt she knows she's dating jerks... she probably just doesn't know how to stop, and is afraid to do what needs to be done (which is stop dating for a while and learn how to be okay with being ALONE).

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