Is homosexuality a choice?

Kimberly - posted on 10/03/2010 ( 110 moms have responded )

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A woman on FB posted that she lost a friend on there because she posted a status regarding being gay not being a choice. What's your take? I believe people are born gay. I have known my brother-in-law since he was a little kid and I knew back then before he probably did. He was an innocent little boy with two jock brothers, I am sure he didn't make the choice.

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JuLeah - posted on 10/05/2010

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If you are not gay, how can you answer the question?



When I was about nine, my older sister started yelling at me. I thought it was because I had taken up the whole living room with my 'ranch' leaving just the hallway for her stupid Barbie Honeymoon.



But, what she was upset about was that my two dolls were also married. My Jaime Sommers doll was married to my Dusty (she played golf and softball)



My older sister said I could not have two women be married. I didn't understand why. I told her when I grew up I was going to marry a woman. My sister called me a name I didn't understand and ran to get Mom.



Mom reassured her I would out grow this crazy phase if no attention was given it.



No attention was given. I did not even hear the word lesbian until I was in my late teens.



I had a softball coach my father referred to as a Damn Bull Dike or sometimes a crazy butch, but I didn't understand why he called her that.



When I was in my teens, all my friends had crushes on boys. I tried SO hard to be like them. The only boy I kind of did like, almost, turned out to also be gay. We laugh about that now.



I knew my feelings made me bad, wrong, gross.

I lied to myself, lied to others, and had sex with a LOT of young men in an effort to 'prove' I was not ... whatever I was. I still lacked the language to talk about my feelings.



I was in my early 20 before anyone told me I was not crazy, not bad, and didn't deserve to die.



No one chooses that experience, no one.



To say people choose to be gay is followed by, then they deserve whatever happens to them. Women are raped by guys that want to show them what a 'real man' is like. Men are beaten, raped, and killed by guys that just want to act that way.

We lose housing, lose jobs, get kicked out of our homes, lose our family .... No one chooses that.

JuLeah - posted on 10/05/2010

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Christina, I know more gay folks then I can count. They make up my community, we watch each others children, work together, our kids attend school together, we attend religious services together, we go on hikes, play sports, volunteer .... you get the idea. I know dozens upon dozens of men and women who identify as gay. I have marched in parades with men and women from all over the globe.
I have never, never, met a person who claims or believes it is a choice.
Most say if they were given the choice to 'change' and be straight (like a straight pill) we would not take it, as we like who we are. Yah, it would be easier in many ways to be straight, but I like myself and worked so hard to reach that point, growing up as I did in a world where different means wrong.
But choose to BE gay, no I didn’t choose to be gay. I can't choose to be straight. I can't even choose to be Bi (I did try both)
Minds, as they say, are like parachutes, they work better when opened.

Krista - posted on 10/03/2010

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I doubt Christina is reading this, but I just wanted to mention that believing that people can consciously choose to be gay...well, that belief CAN hurt people.

It can hurt people, because there are other people who feel that way, and who then try to coerce gay people to "choose" to be straight. That's when you wind up with those AWFUL camps where gay people are basically bullied and brainwashed into temporarily suppressing who they really are.

If people think that being gay is a choice, then there are many who will use every means possible, no matter how hurtful, to try to get gays to "choose" heterosexuality. And, if people believe that being gay is a choice, then you wind up with young gay people who feel really damn guilty for "failing" at choosing to be straight. And some of those gay kids can't live with that guilt. So yes...the belief that being gay is a choice CAN hurt people, because it perpetuates a harmful myth.

Cassie - posted on 10/03/2010

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Well.. (and this is probably an entirely different debate in itself) I believe that the majority of Christians who claim that it is a choice are not in fact living a truly Christian life. They are allowing their own insecurities and hang-ups to guide their faith and life rather than allowing what Christ taught (love, kindness and compassion) guide their life. They use their Christianity as a platform for bigotry and hate which is not how a Christian is to be.... I believe, and I know this will offend a lot of people, that many people claim to be Christians who are not actually Christians because they believe that they can use their faith as a reason behind their decisions....

(not sure if that makes sense but my entire family who are all Christians, all believe people are born gay and don't make the conscious choice).

?? - posted on 10/03/2010

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Being homosexual is not a choice.

Having blue eyes is not a choice.

Having size 18 feet is not a choice.

Having 2 ears, 2 eyes, a nose and a mouth is not a choice.



Being ignorant and intolerant, those are choices.

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Desiree - posted on 10/06/2010

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It is my belief that there are some people who do not have a choice at all, but there are also those who make that choice. Like many things in life we can make a choice and there are a good many people out there who do things because its the in thing or its great to make a scandle. I grew up with two boys at school who were homosexual they never knew it until after school. The rest of us did but never made their lives difficult for it, they tried to date girls like all the other guys, but as kids we realised that they needed to go through the process and find out for themselves. my path crossed with one of them years later and he asked me why we didn't tell him that he was gay if we all knew, I told him that he had to go through it himsef and find that path himself.

Stifler's - posted on 10/05/2010

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I don't see how it can possibly BE a choice anyway. How do you just CHOOSE to be gay *today I am going to like girls even though I really like boys* ???

Dana - posted on 10/05/2010

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Exactly! And I wouldn't expect it any other way! :D

I think that's where people need to realize, there's nothing wrong with anyone feeling the way they do.

[deleted account]

I think almost all of us are in agreement here that love is love and that nobody has the right to dictate whether or not we can marry our partner - same sex or not.

Rosie - posted on 10/05/2010

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If you are not gay, how can you answer the question?

christina pretty much implied that we were lying about it not being a choice. that's how people rationalize this in their heads-we lie for the cause. so it doesn't matter to them if a gay person is answering the question or not.

Dana - posted on 10/05/2010

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Thank you for your perspective, JuLeah, it's very helpful. I wish those who think otherwise would pay attention.

Dana - posted on 10/05/2010

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I"m repulsed at the thought of going down on a woman, nothing wrong with that.

Krista - posted on 10/05/2010

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Sorry Paige -- I was just trying to get across that if some woman is 100% straight, and the very thought of her being with someone of the same sex causes her to have a mental and physical reaction akin to "Gad, no! Ew!", then she's not capable of making a choice to be gay -- that choice is just out of the question for her. So that's why, when people say "Oh, well so and so chose to be gay", well, so-and-so must have already had a latent attraction to their own gender to begin with, for that choice to even be an option.

[deleted account]

I don't like the word "repulsed." I know many 100% heterosexual people who aren't repulsed at the thought, they just don't have any desire to act on it. Maybe I'm thinking too literally on what the word repulsion means...

Sara - posted on 10/05/2010

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Alfred Kinsey said:

“It is a characteristic of the human mind that tries to dichotomize in its classification of phenomena….Sexual behavior is either normal or abnormal, socially acceptable or unacceptable, heterosexual or homosexual; and many persons do not want to believe that there are gradations in these matters from one to the other extreme.”



Sexuality is not a black or white issue, there's lots of gray area. Very few people are completely 100% hetero or homosexual, there's a whole spectrum. So, just because some people may float in between the two poles, that's not evidence that people aren't born gay. People are born with preferences, plain and simple.



There's been lots of research in this area. Check this out:



http://www.iub.edu/~kinsey/research/ak-h...

Isobel - posted on 10/05/2010

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I do believe that most gay people are born gay...but...there are women who Ihave known who have turned to women after a life of abuse at the hands of men...who are indeed really avoiding men more than seeking women. There are some who dabble (like Anne Heche) but she said herself...she never claimed to be a lesbian or bi-sexual or heterosexual for that matter...she just loved Ellen. And I get that too.

Krista - posted on 10/05/2010

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They don't "jump the fence" without already being somewhat attracted to that sex.

PRECISELY. If you're 100% straight, and are repulsed by the thought of being w/ someone of your own gender, then no matter how "cool" it is, no matter how burned you've been by the opposite gender, you're not going to hop the fence. And if you DO "hop the fence", that's not choosing to be gay -- that is being bisexual, and falling for someone who is of your own gender.

[deleted account]

So far I've only been in relationships with men but that doesn't mean that I won't be in a relationship with a woman. That attraction has always been there.

Rosie - posted on 10/05/2010

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i feel that i am bi-sexual, and i've just always been this way as far back as i can remember. so it seems weird to me that people just all of a sudden jump the fence. i just can't see all of a sudden liking vag if you didn't before, seems odd to me. but then again, i could maybe see someone not realizing that they liked the same sex until they tried it. ok, i'm less confused now. :)

[deleted account]

Kati, I think for awhile (maybe still?) it was "cool" to be gay and a lot of people, mostly girls, were doing it just because. Or maybe like Paige said, someone gets sick of being screwed over by the opposite sex and "jumps the fence". Ultimately though, those types aren't really gay. Maybe experimenting. Bi-curious. Bi-sexual even. But not truly gay. Being truly gay is definitely NOT a choice.

[deleted account]

I have a friend who got tired of dealing with men, so she "jumped the fence" to be with women. Now, she's engaged to a man. Meh. maybe she always had some urge to be with women? Either way, she is happily bisexual.

Rosie - posted on 10/05/2010

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a couple of you have mentioned that there have been instances where people chose to be gay. can someone give me an example? i've never heard of this.

[deleted account]

Christina, I can't believe you're actually comparing someone knowing from an early age that they are gay to picking boogars and potty training. Flip it. My son likes strawberry jam, but he doesn't like grape. He's 2. HOW does he know? He just does. When he's 25 and still doesn't like grape, only strawberry.....um, doesn't the fact that he knew from an early age factor in? Can't I, when he's 25 say to him, "Yeah, you've always preferred strawberry to grape." It matters. Oh, and my brother isn't gay because of anything he saw on tv or because there were a lot of gays around, as you said. It wasn't environmental. We didn't have a tv growing up and no one in our family or friends was gay. And no, my brother wasn't molested. He was BORN GAY.

[deleted account]

My brother is gay. He was born that way. I knew from a very early age (before I even knew what gay was) that he was different. You can't tell me that when he was a child, he CHOSE to be singled out for being different...CHOSE to get picked on for being a "fag"......really? You think people, children especially, would CHOOSE that?

Now, I also believe that some people choose to be gay. I remember reading an article several years ago about how a large chunk of the teenage (high school) population (mostly girls) had experimented with other girls sexually. Most of them were doing it because it was "cool" and "the thing to do". But to me, that is not gay, that is experimenting.

I also think that when it comes to sexual abuse on children, that can hold a lot of sway when a child grows up, as to which gender they are drawn to. But that's not choice. That's a kind of conditioning, almost like brain washing. IMO.

[deleted account]

I think it depends on the person. Some people choose homosexuality while others are just born gay.



Homosexuality is even found in the animal world. Prides of male lions will have sex with each other until they all find a pride of female lions each to join.

Also, there was a video of 2 female bats performing oral sex on each other. Scientists were blown away by both findings. Also, studies have found that humans sexuality can be quite fluid. It's more common for women's sexuality to be more fluid because they are looking more for an emotional connection versus mainly a physical stimulus.



Edited to add: Before anybody gets mad, I fully support gay rights. Who are we to decide who our neighbors, friends, family, strangers can and cannot love? My best friend is gay, and luckily in Canada he can marry his longtime partner when they get to that point.

Johnny - posted on 10/03/2010

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@ Heather. Gay marriages ARE performed by some Christian churches. I know of 3 fairly sizable denominations here in Canada that perform gay marriages, the Anglicans (similar to American Episcopalian or Church of England), the United Church (same as Methodists), and the Unitarian Universalists. Many other smaller denominations also perform same-sex marriages. So in fact, your statement that "the church" does not support gay marriage is incorrect. Some churches do not, and others do. We could have a big religious war to decide who gets to decide if it will be accepted, or we could just allow it to happen legally and allow individual churches to decide for themselves. We all have the right to define marriage for ourselves.

Sorry to post of topic again. Homosexuality is not a choice, and we should not deny rights and equality based on traits people are born with. That is pretty much the definition of prejudice.

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2010

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@Laura, I think that testosterone documentary is the one mum saw, and she believes that is what happens too. She actually had a difficult pregnancy with my brother, quite a lot of stress, and she also had difficult post-partum (I still remember how difficult it was for her because I was the oldest). She was quite stressed, and she has since talked about the stress. She believes her stress affected her hormones during the pregnancy and that may have affected the testosterone levels released. It is an interesting theory.



Unfortunately, however, my mum initially blamed herself for my brother being gay......(she finds it difficult BECAUSE of what a difficult path it still is to be gay, and how difficult that road has been for my brother in some ways, not because she has a problem with him being gay.).

Amie - posted on 10/03/2010

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I don't believe it's a choice. I find that stance ludicrous. One of my cousins in law is gay. I'm sure if he could have chosen to be straight, he would have. If, for no other reason, than to make his mother happy. The rest of the family is fine with him being gay, it's really no big deal. His mom crapped a bird and then stomped on it when he came out. She disowned him and went so far as to try to tell everyone else to not associate with him because of "how it would look", you know having a gay relative. She's a pretty stellar woman that one. *head/desk*

Jodi - posted on 10/03/2010

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Definitely not a choice. I have a brother who is gay. I also have 3 brothers who are not, and I am not. My brother who is gay was always different. Mum actually always said he was a lot more like me (ie feminine) than like the other boys. When he "came out" none of us were surprised, because it made total sense. He was born gay, he didn't choose to be that way, he didn't become that way through environment (we all grew up in the same house in the same circumstances), he was just born that way.

Stifler's - posted on 10/03/2010

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I don't believe we choose who we love. Being gay is the same as being straight, only the person they love is the same sex.

Rosie - posted on 10/03/2010

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@heather-if my best friend who got married at the courthouse can still call her marriage a marriage and not a civil union, then i want the same for a gay couple. which luckily, in my state, they can have! :)

Iris - posted on 10/03/2010

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No, I don't think it is a choice and I will never believe it is.

"We cannot choose happiness for them, that's for them to decide what makes them happy and I really don't see what the big deal is in believing all that."
Their happiness does rest in our hands as long as we have the power to decide if they deserve the same rights as we do.

Cassie - posted on 10/03/2010

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oh ok. I was just checking.. I hadn't noticed a reference to gay marriage and thought maybe I had missed something.

Rosie - posted on 10/03/2010

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christina. :) she kept on saying she's tolerant, and then i've seen her post other times that she doesn't believe in gay marriage. it doesn't make sense to me.

Heather - posted on 10/03/2010

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@Kati: You bring up an interesting point. Not to get off topic, but there's a big difference in a civil union and a marriage. I'm all for gays having civil unions and ceremonies, but if we're talking about a Christian wedding with a priest, it doesn't make much sense since "the church" doesn't support a gay union. Here, I think it depends on how you define "marriage".

Cassie - posted on 10/03/2010

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Well Christina, I think you're implying me when you talk about someone implying that a Christian is not a real Christian if they believe it is a choice. I don't believe that is why I said and if it is, I apologize. What I was saying is that I truly believe that many (not all) use their religion against others. If you took my general term and applied it to yourself then that's on you....

While you (and this is directed at you and not the general) may not use your belief that being gay is a choice to hurt others, there are many out there that do who are not using compassion and love towards their fellow man. Do not take a debate and make it so personal.

C. - posted on 10/03/2010

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I got on here b/c someone marked one of my posts and I made the mistake of reading comments.



I would like to know who in the world is spreading this BS about Christians not really being Christians just b/c they think people CHOOSE to be gay? Excuse me, but last I checked, my belief that being gay is a CHOICE wasn't b/c I don't have love and compassion for those people. I DO have love and compassion for those people- and for the record, most of my childhood friends ARE GAY. I love them just the same as I did before they were gay, so that notion is false that just for thinking they choose to be that way makes you less compassionate. We can still love gays but disagree on how they got that way. Those two do NOT go hand in hand, you know.



Secondly, I caught a glimpse of a post directed at me- I don't know who it's from, but I remember seeing the word 'tolerant'. Telling me that I need to be tolerant of gays is like saying I have a problem with gay people to begin with. Just b/c I don't think they are born that way, does NOT mean I have a problem with them being gay. I have no earthly clue where that idea came from, but that ALSO does not go hand in hand.



Just b/c people believe differently as to how gays came to be gay, does not mean we love them any less or have even the tiniest problem with it. We still love our gay friends, no matter what. We cannot choose happiness for them, that's for them to decide what makes them happy and I really don't see what the big deal is in believing all that.



NOW, I am done with this group..

Cassie - posted on 10/03/2010

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I guess for me, Christianity is my own personal relationship with God, so while I may not agree with everything that Christians do, I still maintain my faith and relationship. I allow that relationship to guide what I believe is right and wrong, such as believing that gays have no choice in who they love.

[deleted account]

Well said Cassie, I'm also a Christian who believes that homosexuals are born that way (for the majority, there is always an exception to the rule). I agree that those who use their religion to beat others with are not true to their religion :-)

Dana - posted on 10/03/2010

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I could kiss you Cassie!
The very first debate I got into in DM was about a year and a half ago, it had to do with gays and religion and I said to someone, who was a Christian, that it disgusted me that they would use the bible as a backbone for their intolerance. I truly feel the same way as you do. Unfortunately, Christians have made me question my faith and go off on my own spiritual path away from them and any kind of organized religion. I kind of like it over here though. ;)

Dana - posted on 10/03/2010

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Oh, I know they're out there and I'm glad you're one of them. ♥
I actually wonder why the majority who think it is a choice, happen to be Christians.

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