is it me...

Tah - posted on 03/08/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I have a great relationship. The problem is I may be one of the only ones that has this out of my friends. My husband and I had a understanding. If we both act like we have some sense then noone gets hurt...in other words, don't start none, won't be none.things like this

1. The sun should not beat you home and as matter of fact he should not be a few minutes behind you either.

2. You stay away from boo when your home and deployed and Jody (military's name for the wives boyfriend whil husband is deployed) won't be here fixing sinks that run fine or cleaning any pipes.

3. honesty is always the best policy even if it doesn't get the response you want..(if the jeans make me look fat..tell me, i might be mad, but i'll also be changing my jeans.

4. We are a team and this a partnership. nobody spends large amounts of money without discussing where it is going.

5. Make time for just us..movies and parks and trips with the kids are great, but we are sure to make date nights with each other often...

6. If anybody wants to hit something, there's a gym down the street have a ball. If you ever hit me i will have yours...

Things like that and it works for us. The thing that i wonder about is why my friends that aren't so happy in their marriages(i use that term looser than a hooker) seem to think that because we have this type of relationship i can't do anything. So we have the kids play together, and babysit for each other, and borrow sugar if getting to the store isn't an option at that moment, and we vent together. The thing is when it is time to go out and have girls night, i am left out.. When i ask them why, they say well we figured since you and your husband are so close he wouldn't ALLOW...(HUH) ALLOW)..so even after i said it wasn't like that they continue to do it.

Now true they do go to clubs and see strippers and even before i was married i was not that girl, but can i at least get a invite. Why is my marriage always the reason I can't be invited. They can also make me feel like my relationship is only going well because i have not been married for as long as them, Like i say i can't babysit because i am going on a date or away for the weekend, they start saying hey that's nice, and then it always ends up with..wait til you have been together for as long as us. Or when my husband is deployed, they try to make me feel like i'm crazy for believing my husband is faithful, just because their husbands can't be trusted to get a loaf of bread.

Now let me say I never throw things in their face, i don't say o he's so great your husband isn't..I don't say what he gets me for holidays or b-days unless we're conversating about it or they ask. I am not the" look at me, look at me" friend because i am mindful of the fact that they are in sucky sucky situations, so when we talk, it's usually about them and how unhappy they are. so I guess my questions are(because i know you ladies will tell the truth.

1) shouldn't friends be happy for other friends when they are happy?

2) Why are they trying to make me feel like i'm crazy for trusting my husband and it's only a matter of time before he joins their husbands ways(leaving them without money, cheating, beating)

3) should i find some new friends that are more encouraging?

4)should I have to keep my being happy with him to myself so that they don't feel bad?

5)Why do they not invite me out when they do go, but do everything else with me?...

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Tah - posted on 03/08/2010

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@jess..well i hope they kept the receipt for that welcome mat..my husband and i both have parents that have been married over 40 years a piece so we understand that its not easy, but its a marriage and we see what goes into it. They see and like i said it starts with o that is so sweet...but then it turns sarcastic...i read between the line..it was one of my moms favorite sayings..and have a good day and say a prayer. I couldn't imagine being treated like they allow themselves to be treated, sometimes i listen and i almost naw my tongue off....i always tell them that they deserve better and if you let him cheat 5 times and spend the money without consequences, then what is his incentive to stop....maybe i should say.."o girl..forreal...well just love him harder girl.." but what i say is u have to want it to change and when you get tired, you'll know..inside i'm wondering when they are gonna call me to come help them have a bonfire starring their husbands clothes, their rings and their marriages certs(symbolic of course)....



I was thinking they are prob doing some things in the club that they think i would say something about..but guess what..ya'll grown..shoot, im the youngest one..i am not even 30 and they are all 33-38 so who am I...lol...

Jess - posted on 03/08/2010

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1) Yes, they should be... But it sounds like they are too absorbed in their own issues to be happy for you. It probably even reminds them of how bad their men really are to them ! Denial is great place all year round... wonderful weather, why would they want to leave ?



2) They are synical ! They have allowed themselves to be beaten down to a level where they will accept that treatment..... so they just think its a matter of time before you join them ! They are probably just waiting with the welcome matt !



3) Absolutly ! You don't have to cut all ties with them, but certainly add to your circle of close friends.



4) Like hell !!! Perhaps if you show women how great your relationship is, it will set the benchmark just that little higher for the next guy that comes into their lives.... and that can only be a good thing !



5) Well Tah, I have seen a few your posts.... and they are probably too ashamed of their behaviour at these clubs and stripps clubs to invite you along ! Trust me, I would be scared of your rath, if I was misbehaving. Where there is smoke, there is fire ! And im sure they are adequalty making up for their husband's shortcomings !



From what I have read here on COM, it certainly sounds like your family lives by good morals and their is a high standard of behaviour that is expected and lots of respect for each other.... which is great ! But it sounds like your friends don't reflect those standards, so they don't reap those benefits.

Tah - posted on 03/08/2010

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@christy...about the future heartbreak..see i trust my husband. i truly believe that if you set your expectations and you know your spouse, you can have a loving, faithful relationship. When i met him he had 2 prior relationships where the chicks were cheating and just being slutty mcslutersons...i mean I tease him and tell him all the time "you have been trying to get married since 16"..the first time he proposed to his ex..so i know he has only wanted a commited loving relationship and so have I...and I wear my big girl panties everyday so why try to shield me from something like that..just be happy for me now and there for me if(i mean hell freezing over, if) it ever happened is my question to them...and thank you

Tah - posted on 03/08/2010

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ok..with the buzzkill thing..maybe...but when we're sitting on a balcony with the kids sleeping, laughing joking and having some drinks i'm not..we have fun..whats the difference the place and the clothes....i don't know..but thank you and i think i will move-on..and i am the one, like when your husband is deployed and he leaves you with 10 bicks in the bank and no way to feed the 3 kids and i give you money..(give you..not borrow) or when you had to get a job because he kept doing it, and you needed us to keep, your kids or at least keep an eye on them, or pick the little one up from daycare, or make sure the 12 year old didn't have any boys over.....



When your crying on my shoulder or we're having a drink and your venting about how much you want to leave but u can't or the other about all the crap she is going through...they want my advice, they want my shoulder, but i know i don't get the same from them, so i don't even try..This is why he is my best friend, because even if i'm frustrated with him and thats rare, i tell him, we talk, we laugh, i tell him i'm glad my boyfriend doesn't act like he does, and then we get over, it, It's like because i don't have the same issues(thank God) i don't have any issues at all to them..



i don't open up easily anyway so this has just let me know why I don't..and i do feel like misery loves company...

Christy - posted on 03/08/2010

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1. yes they should be happy for you but unfortunately unhappy people like to suck the happy right out of others. if they can't be happy, you shouldn't be either.

2. i think my answer for 1 goes along with this. also, they want you to think that their way of life is normal and that the only reason that you're not as miserable as they are is that you just haven't opened your eyes to the kind of person your husband "truly" is. or maybe they just think they're trying to save you from the heartbreak in the future? i hope for your sake the 2nd is true considering that they're your friends...

3. i do think that you should find more encouraging friends. answer a few questions for yourself: do you ever get to talk about things that matter to you? do you ever get to vent when you're having a rough day? it sounds to me like your friends take you for granted.

4. i don't think that you should have to keep being happy with your husband to yourself. true friends would be happy for you, not bitter about what they don't have. it's not fair that you can't share the joy from your marriage with your friends.

5. i think the reason they don't invite you out is simply that you're the friend that's only good enough when they need something. i hope that's not true but from the rest of your post it seems like they only want you to baby sit or to cry on your shoulder about their failures.

from all the posts of yours that i've read, you seem to be a good person and deserve good friends. i know it's easier said than done to just go out and make new friends but it doesn't sound like you're getting a lot out of the friendships with these women...

[deleted account]

1. Yes, they should! In a perfect world we have perfect friends! LOL!



2. Misery LOVES company!



3. Sounds like you've already tried to talk to them so maybe it is time to move on? I would make absolute sure that you've expressed urself properly to them? Maybe print out this thread you just posted and let them read it? Maybe then they'll understand?!!



4. Absolutely NOT! Shout it from the roof tops!



5. That's their shit hunny! Try not to stress; they're just jealous of you and they can't relate to you! Maybe they feel like ur a buzzkill when they're out clubbing or watching strippers? Either way, stay true to who you are!



Good luck! I loved the pop quiz! Very to the point........ask a specific question, get a specific answer! ;)

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