Is it ok to let my husband stepson (son of his ex wife) live with us?

Mia - posted on 06/25/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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Hi I am 25 year old and I am expecting my first baby with my husband right now, but he has a 7 years old son with his ex wife which I love like my son, but now my husband wants to bring his ex wife first son in my house to live with because according to him he raised that boy when he was married with is mom and that boy call him dad so it will be unfair to take only his own son and not his brother as well, because he has the custody of his son. And now my problem is that boy is 13 years old and don't have respect for me, he doesn't listen to what I said and do as he want, and also tell his mom whatever happened in my house and she call my husband after that to complaint about "why did i punish her kids for some they did wrong because I am not they mom and I don't have to discipline them" or "why did her kids don't go outside to play" etc, she always complaint about something, and we both don't get along because she is treating me, insulting me, she just don't like me I understand because she really don't have to, that is why I also don't want her son to live with me as well because he is big enough and I don't wana give him some whoop for some that he did wrong. So I would like from some of you who have some experience to please give me some advice about this situation.
Thank you

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I agree with a lot of what Mary said. I would respect your current husband for wanting to maintain his relationship with both children. Just because he is not the biological father of the older one does not mean that he is not the most important father figure that child has in his life. He is an important man to his stepson, and a valuable part of his stepson's life. This kid doesn't have anyone else, and that is not the kid's fault.

I have a cousin who had her first son with a looser of a man. He stole her car and left in the night, disappeared for 7 years and only turned up when he called to ask for bail to get out of jail. During that time, my cousin met a WONDERFUL man who took her son as his own. They also had children of their own. This relationship lasted about 10 years, but they eventually parted ways. When they split, one of the conditions her ex husband asked for in the divorce was that he still be allowed time and contact with his stepson. It was granted to him. The boy is grown now--a sophomore in college, and they still maintain a close relationship. The boy hit some major rough spots during his teen years, and I do believe that if his ex step father had not been there for him, these rough spots could have easily thrown him WAY off course, and drastically changed his future for the worse.

That said, the 13 year old does need to respect you. I agree with Jodi that he is going through a very tough time, and he's had a tough life--he is going to have issues--so he should get a little slack, but not too much. Respect him and he will respect you, but you have to earn that respect. At his age, he is not just going to respect you because his stepfather tells him to, or because you are an authority. Early teenhood is all about testing authority and earning respect. Read up on teen psychology and sociology if you can--it will help you to understand and react to him in much more productive ways. You are still young, and you don't have the benefit of having known the child from birth, educating yourself will help you tremendously.

Mary - posted on 06/30/2013

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I'm a little unclear...does your husband also have custody of his stepson? Considering the fractious nature of your relationship with his ex, I can't imagine that she would willingly allow her older son to live with you. Unless she is a truly unfit mother, I can't imagine any court granting custody to a stepparent over his biological mother.

I do respect you husband for wanting to maintain a relationship with his stepson, and nurture the bond that must already exist between the two half-brothers. In this time of change and upheaval for these young boys, it is important for their emotional security and well-being. It will also help reassure that seven y/o that even though his daddy has left his mommy, and is starting a new family with you, his daddy still loves and values his already existing family of both him and his half-brother. This IS important to you, because it will help this boy to accept and both you and your baby.

Chances are, you are never going to have a great relationship with your husband's ex, but you need to do your best to develop a friendly relationship with both of her children. They ARE going to tell this woman about whatever goes on in your house - and they should feel free to do so. She is their mother. Perhaps your husband needs to discuss with her what behaviors and disciplinary measures are expected and acceptable in your house. In order to avoid any unnecessary controversy, there needs to be a clear understanding by all parties about what the rules are, and what the acceptable consequences are for breaking them.

You also need to cut that 13 y/o some slack. He is at a difficult age, full of insecurity and rebellion. It is only natural that he is going to resent you...in his eyes, you have taken away the man he calls dad. Since he has no biological connection to your husband, he is going to feel extremely insecure about the future of his relationship with this man, and act out in a variety of ways. As an adult, you need to be a bit empathetic about his precarious situation, and try to be as kind and understanding as possible. I'm not saying you need to be a doormat or allow him to get away with treating you poorly, but you need to temper your anger with a bit of kindness and understanding, and not allow your dislike for his mother to seep into your feelings for him. The better your relationship is with both of these boys, the better off they will be in accepting and loving your unborn baby.

Yellow - posted on 06/28/2013

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I feel it is something that the two of you need to seriously discuss. Your husband needs to be understanding to how you might feel and be respectful to the fact that you are his new wife.

If my step-children began to disrespect me in my own home and if I repremended them and it continued, then I would bring my husband into it so he could take the matter further, no way would I allow myself to be disrespected in my own home...

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