Is it the parent?...

Tah - posted on 04/09/2011 ( 49 moms have responded )

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So I'm watching a movie where the parents have 3 kids....one is a raging drunk, the other wont have kids with her husband because she's scared what her parents might say and the other would rather kill himself then tell them them he's gay. It made me wonder about parents who have children and they all grow up with issues, go to jail, develop drug and alcohol problems etc. Is it the parenting or lack of, to much pressure to be perfect or lack of encouragement to do their best? How much responsibility should parents take in how their children turn out?

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Isobel - posted on 04/12/2011

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On average, I would agree with you. Unfortunately sometimes children are raped and abused physically by people outside the family.

I would say that anybody who abuses a child has THE greatest influence over how they turn out.

While ON AVERAGE, that is the parents, often it is the pastor, the little league coach, the teacher, or Uncle.

It's not always the parents fault...but it's always SOMEBODY'S fault.

Isobel - posted on 04/09/2011

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I agree...whether they "could have" done better becomes irrelevant when you realize how many of them just don't. Reality would suggest that most people are not made of the crazy steel that allows them to pull themselves up by their gigantic boot straps and take over the world even though their father raped them every night since they were three.

I don't actually even believe in evil...I believe in broken. When I see a crazy serial killer, I always wonder what on earth could have happened to make a human turn out that way.

Sal - posted on 04/10/2011

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i think that the parents are responsible to a degree, all kids should have a great grounding in becomming a great adult and that things that happen as a child make you who you are BUT when you are an adult you get to chose to follow the way your parents have bought you up and if it isn;t working for you stop sulking, stop blaming mum and dad and make yourself who you want to be, there is so much help available for anyone who wants to make changes, and nothing pisses me more than a 30 year old blaming mums poor parenting or dads drinking for why their marriages are failing (or anything else) suck it up princess and live the life you want.....like if i wanted to blame my mum making me finish everything on my plate and thats why at 37 i'm still porky...yeah right i just choose not to follow the advice i know would help me lose weight, not mums fault any longer

Johnny - posted on 04/09/2011

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Different personalities have different tolerances and abilities. What one person may be able to battle through or bounce back from may sink another soul. I find it so judgmental to assume that we are all starting on the same foot as far as dealing with our lives. Some people are intellectually brilliant, some have a high emotional IQ and others have deep coping resources that allow them to rely on themselves and no one else. Horrible family situations effect every person differently. While one sibling may come out successful, the others are not necessarily whiney good-for-nothings because they struggle in life. Some people are simply incapable of taking responsibility for themselves because they weren't born with that ability and no one ever bothered to teach it to them. It's not all nature and it's not all nurture. It's a combination.

People are always keen to share in the success, but not to take responsibility for shit going wrong. There are all these kids running around out there born to already messed up parents, and society hardly lifts a finger to improve the situation. So we just end up with the next generation of screwed-up parents. It's true that it is the parent's responsibility. But when they can't manage it or abdicate their role, as a society, we've got the choice whether or not we want to help. And most of the time, we choose not to.

Stifler's - posted on 04/09/2011

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Meh. People always have a choice, no matter how they were raised. They can choose to let abuse and expectations rule them or they let it go and do better. It depends on their personality.

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Suzanne - posted on 09/29/2014

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I blame myself for my beautiful son Sean's overdose death,he was my youngest.I don't know what I did wrong,all of my remaining 3 are doing wonderful.He died last year on Jan.17th.He would have been thirty this October.Did I miss something? I never saw it coming.I am devastated.The pain never stops with the "why's",The guilt is something that does not fade.Did I tell him I loved him enough? Did I ignore something I should have seen?My mind still races with the questions and pain.I miss him so.

Maria - posted on 09/29/2014

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I feel some are predisposed to addiction, some of it is bad parenting and some of it is a choice. I say this as 1 of 12 children of 2 addicts 9 of us had problems with either drugs or liquor and or both. Me for example i choose to start drinking at 11 so that was a choice and also no parent to watch what i was doing so that would be bad parenting. I have a 12 and 13yr old i know what they are doing and who they are with at all times. My older one misbehaves and that is a choice . He doesn't drink or anything like that but has a problem with his temper which is also a family trait.

Trish - posted on 04/14/2011

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I agree with some of what you ladies are saying. Some people out there should NOT have kids e.g. A women who is addicted to drugs and is pregnant AND still taking drugs during pregnancy. Some people out there are TOO selfish and ignorant and do not comprehend the responsibility it is to bring another life into this world. Some people take it lightly...and we end up with damaged children growing up to be damaged adults (who in turn repeat the cycle).



I do believe Education plays a big part of why some parents are falling short. I'm not only talking about School Education but sex, Drug and alcohol, Health, Mental Health, Financial education etc...All the things they don't really teach at school. It's not only a parental issue it's a societal issue.



It's like that Swahili saying "It takes a village to raise a child"...In a way it should be like that.

Bonnie - posted on 04/12/2011

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Oh heck no! I think, in some circumstances, rich kids are worse off than some neglected/abused kids, especially those who have grown up poor.

Isobel - posted on 04/12/2011

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no worries :)

I just really do know a lot of abused and neglected rich kids...it's difficult because everybody assumes that their life is perfect and they have no right to complain.

Bonnie - posted on 04/12/2011

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ARGH! Sorry, I just realised that sounded really rude! I didn't mean it to!
Yeah, I didn't quite word it properly...

Isobel - posted on 04/12/2011

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ok...so it was a bad example. Sorry, I thought you were misinformed instead of having left half the story out.

Bonnie - posted on 04/12/2011

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Laura, it was an example. I'm not about to list the varying degrees of abuse & the reasons why it affects some but not others, there are more than enough studies & books about that already.

Isobel - posted on 04/12/2011

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You don't need to grow up in a bad neighbourhood to be traumatized (physicically OR emotionally)



I know plenty of neglected rich kids

Bonnie - posted on 04/12/2011

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The parent's definitely have a huge impact on how their child/ren turn/s out, but so does family & community.

If a child grows up with loving, caring parents but lives in a bad neighbourhood then the child could go either way. As could a child who's parent's are negligent & uncaring, but who grows up in a good neighbourhood.
The same could be said of parental pressure- if the child has a good family/community network around them who DON'T put pressure on them then they'd be more likely to not have issues but there's always the chance they will have problems.

Of course, as Loureen said, there are always those children who overcome any childhood issues, whatever they may be.

Charlie - posted on 04/12/2011

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"Sufficient scientific evidence has been marshaled to refute the notion that some people are just "born bad." This absurd myth, encountered in almost all cultures, has been effectively exploded. It is dead, but it refuses to lie down. We know today that the brain we are born with is not the finished product it was once thought to be. The structuring of the brain depends very much on experiences gone through in the first hours, days and weeks of a person's life. The stimulus indispensable for developing the capacity for empathy, say, is the experience of loving care. In the absence of such care, when a child is forced to grow up neglected, emotionally starved, and subjected to physical cruelty, he or she will forfeit this innate capacity."



"In the last few years, neuro-biologists have further established that traumatized and neglected children display severe lesions affecting anything up to 30% of those areas of the brain that control our emotions. Severe traumas inflicted on infants lead to an increase in the release of stress hormones that destroy the existing, newly formed neurons and their interconnections."

"Statistics tell us that 90% of the prisoners in American jails were abused in childhood. This figure is astonishingly high if we bear in mind the denial and repression factor. Probably the real figure is closer to a full 100%. A sheltered and respected child does not turn criminal. But most delinquents deny the sufferings they went through as a child. Despite that, we still have this high - and highly eloquent - figure. "



For those that do overcome childhood trauma they are the lucky minority , they are the ones who broke the cycle , they are the ones who recognise , accepted and perhaps forgave , for many that is beyond their abilities they go on to act out , self harm , condone or continue the cycle of mistreatment or abuse or for the most part surpress any mistreatment , neglect or abuse at all .

Charlie - posted on 04/11/2011

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Parents I believe have the greatest influence over a child and what they will become then comes society and enviroment , personality is a small and and highly influenced part of that .

Casey - posted on 04/11/2011

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I always think about this I know a family who has had one son in and out of jail, the daughter has been done for fraud amongst other things and the other one is just plain old violent and aggressive and I honestly have to blame the parents cause they just didn't give a shit they were so absorbed in their own self importance that the kids just raised themselves and as a result they ended up as pretty poor excuses for adults. I know that being a parent is hard work but you have to try your best with your kids, you need to be involved in their lives, know their friends, encourage them to be their best and always support them no matter what, I've always believed that our children are a product of us as we are the ones who shape and mould them into what they become as adults. I know that I don't know everything after all my son isn't even 3 yet so we have a long way to go but I know that from the way my parents raised me you need to play an active role in your kids life if you want them grow up to be a happy, healthy and a well balanced adult.

Jessica - posted on 04/11/2011

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Mostly I would say it is the parent's fault. Some things like being gay aren't anyone's fault (except perhaps mother nature) but the fact that he would rather kill himself than to tell his parents tells me there are problems there. Some kids could have the perfect parents and still turn out screwed up but mostly I think the parents are to blame. No our children don't come with manuals, it is not easy to raise them and no one is perfect but if your kid is a druggie maybe it's time to look in the mirror and say where did I go wrong, maybe I was too overprotective and drove her away or maybe she saw me doing drugs once or she saw someone I know doing drugs and she felt I approved. If both of my kids had issues I would know for sure I screwed up somewhere.

Jessica - posted on 04/11/2011

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Mostly I would say it is the parent's fault. Some things like being gay aren't anyone's fault (except perhaps mother nature) but the fact that he would rather kill himself than to tell his parents tells me there are problems there. Some kids could have the perfect parents and still turn out screwed up but mostly I think the parents are to blame. No our children don't come with manuals, it is not easy to raise them and no one is perfect but if your kid is a druggie maybe it's time to look in the mirror and say where did I go wrong, maybe I was too overprotective and drove her away or maybe she saw me doing drugs once or she saw someone I know doing drugs and she felt I approved. If both of my kids had issues I would know for sure I screwed up somewhere.

Veronique - posted on 04/11/2011

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Kids don't come with an owner's manuel, so we do the best we can. I think that if you give your child all it needs to grow and developpe all the love they need, all the understanding they need and also it's important not to suffocate them, meaning give then some freedom to do there thing all the while them knowing you're there then in the end you did your best :0

Jane - posted on 04/10/2011

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I believe that there is a small percentage of kids/people that would have issues no matter who raises them but for the most part, the parents are responsible for how these kids turn out as adults. I'd say that small percentage is no more than 5%.

Trish - posted on 04/10/2011

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Everyone has a choice. We can't entirely blame the parents. There are people out there who have been through hell and back...abused as children and still rise above to be good people. As people we are not perfect. There is no handbook out there to tell us or guide us on how to parent. All I can do is try my best and give my child a balanced and disciplined life and love is the key.



The problem with some people they blame others for their misfortunes...but it's no one elses fault but their own. Yes things may of happened in their life that might of been traumatic...but you have a choice to either go with it or be strong and be different. We are our own creators of our situation, be it happiness or misery. You can't entirely blame the parents. They can do so much.



As parents we have the major responsibility of readying our children for adulthood. All I can do is educate my baby that he will be informed enough and smart enough to make the right choices when he goes out into the world. As parents we can influence but as our children get older they will have other influences (friends, music, etc) that are sometimes beyond our control. Life is a bitch sometimes.So all we can do is try our best and pray our kids will turn out okay.

Tah - posted on 04/10/2011

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I think we are dismissing how deep bad parenting, abuse, overbearing parents, neglect, environment etc can affect a person. Some people are ignorant to the fact anything is even wrong let alone know where to start to get help. A lot of times we parent the way our parents did, so if you and your siblings were smacked upside the head or had soda in your bottles, guess what you are more likely to do the same, I mean hey it didn't kill you right. Some things are embedded deep in human psyche and you don't just wake up one morning and do better. Some do, some literally can't without help. I used to be hard on people like get over it..but everyone in my neighborhood didn't grow up with 2 loving parents who told us we were smart, beautiful and could do whatever we wanted. I had a friend that I'm very proud of, we grew up together and I was his sister from another mother. He was always nice etc, funny but his life was rough, I'm not gonna say exactly how because he'll probably be on tv in a minute..lol. Anyway he is now part owner of www.armstrongandwilson.com who dress stars with their pocket squares in suits for men. Then there are others who had similar upbringings who are in jail, dead or still at home at 30. It's not that easy if you don't know where to start.

[deleted account]

you gotta wonder. my cousin was kept under the thumb when she was younger either playing sport going to choir practice going to work or studying...she turned 18 immediately left home is a druggie and an alcho and occasionally rocks up to my place for a feed and a hot shower (although she knows shes not allowed in if my son is home but occasionally i do let her in if hes down for the night but shes to have dinner a shower and go i cant have her staying the night) really sad but id say her parents did it to her

[deleted account]

I don't actually even believe in evil...I believe in broken. When I see a crazy serial killer, I always wonder what on earth could have happened to make a human turn out that way

I 100% agree with this statement. :)

Mel - posted on 04/10/2011

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I agree that some people actually dont know things that people think are just common sense. I learned things that Im not going to share on here, but things that should be common sense things that I should have known as a parent, but I didnt , if I hadnt been involved with all the social workers and openly said these things i thought were right, and been told the other way I would never have thought otherwise. I never knew. I thought this was normal and now I couldnt imagine parenting any other way. The truth is I wasnt parenting. Its amazing what some people think to be normal but dont actually knwo what they are doing.

April - posted on 04/09/2011

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Parents should raise their kids the best way they know how. Love, care, nurture, discipline etc. BUT no matter what a parent does for their child the most important thing they must do is guide them in the right direction. Don't force them to do things that they don't want to do. I think having parents ourselves we can all safely say that our parents have made mistakes, no ones perfect. We could only do so much for our children.



Now take in external factors, people outside of the family who influence our children. Their friends, their teachers etc. A lot comes into account of how a person will behave. With our guidance they will know whats right but it's their choices in life that make them the person they are.



My father had abusive parents. They made him a black sheep. My dads childhood was so bad he can't remember parts of it. It's blank, black in his memory. He didn't graduate from high school, he ran away. At a young age my dad became successful. He worked in a major film company, he met celebrities, he has travelled the world. He is the smartest man i know. My dad didn't let what his parents did to him stop him from being great. He did that without their help. He CHOSE to be a better person. My dad is strong, he was determined, granted many people in his situation would of probably gave up on life but he didn't.



So as i said, we can only do so much for our children because in the end they will choose what type of person they will be.

Johnny - posted on 04/09/2011

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Perhaps Deanna. But in many cases, the parents don't even KNOW how to be parents. They have never had it modeled for them in a successful, normal, nurturing manner. They may not even know what good parenting could or should look like. When I worked in child protection, I was shocked by how many parents learned things at the parenting courses they were sent to. To me, the stuff they were being taught seemed like basic common sense. But many of them had never heard of any of the techniques they were taught. They did not know about basic things like time outs, taking away privileges, and positive reinforcement. How can you expect people to magically be successful parents if they don't know what that looks like?

And just for the record. I have used the "I will leave you here" threat on my daughter before. She was in a place I could not get myself into and she was having a problem with an older aggressive child. I needed her to leave right away before it escalated. I tried counting to 3 but the other kid was distracting her too much (it usually works, even when she's throwing a tantrum-she's 2 1/2). I knew she'd freak and come, and it worked.

To be honest, you sound like you spend a lot of time judging other parents before you've got any idea what is really going on with them. This is not the first thread where I have observed this. Not everything happens for everyone in a perfect little bubble.

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I think it is up to the parents to BE parents. With that said I have seen A LOT of misbehaving kids out there and it ALWAYS boils down to the parents. "You better come here or I will leave you here." You know you won't leave your 2-8yr old at the park alone so stop using it as a threat. How about this one; "Come here. Come here. I said come here. Did you hear me? If I have to come get you we are leaving. Come here. Come here. Alright, that's it." The parent walks over, scolds the child, then sits them down for a few minutes or not and the child then gets to go back to playing.
Or how about the clueless parent. 3 boys were fighting, being really physical, and verbally mean to other kids. The two moms of said 3 boys settles the boys down 1 time. Then they get offended when I and other moms start telling our kids to not play with the mean boys because they don't know how to act right. lol I loved seeing them leave the park today. :)

Jennifer - posted on 04/09/2011

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I think parents contribute a great deal, but the rest of the environment shouldn't be overlooked. Kids get bullied at school, put down by teachers, or molested by neighbours. We don't raise our kids in a vacuum. We do our best as parents, and no matter what we cause some psychological harm to our children. We can only hope we do more good than harm. Some predispositions are also genetic, such as mental illness, so we can only do our best and hope it's enough.

Mel - posted on 04/09/2011

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agreed Emma. I get sick of those people who whinge and feel sorry for themselves. Not that they havent had it hard but there comes a time in life where your old enough to know better and have to grow up and take some responsibilty for your own actions. Poor me wont work forever. Maybe when your a teenager. But I know people like that in their 20s and 30s

Isobel - posted on 04/09/2011

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I'd say on AVERAGE...the parents are usually responsible for kids who turn out to be a wreck.

Think about when you watch intervention...it's pretty rare to see an addict that wasn't somehow traumatized during childhood.

That trauma doesn't necessarily HAVE to come from the parents though, they may be molested or raped, bullied or beaten by people outside the family as well.

MOST of the people I know who are a mess have shitty parents too though.

Ez - posted on 04/09/2011

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Individual personality plays a role, but I believe parenting plays an equal role. Some people turn into successful (and by successful I mean smart, kind, thoughtful, hard-working) adults in spite of a poor upbringing, but it is sadly the exception.



If kids turn out well, we are all too eager to take credit for how we raised them. It's only fair that we take some level of responsibility if the opposite is true.

[deleted account]

It's a combination of a lot of things, but I do believe that in the earliest years parents play a MONUMENTAL role in setting and building a child's personality and foundation.

Johnny - posted on 04/09/2011

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I think it really depends. I know of families with 3 great kids and one who turned out a mess. And others with a couple of terrible kids and one who ended up a high achiever. Since every kid is different, they won't all respond to good or bad parenting in the same way.

I do tend to think that the family environment in general has a lot to do with this. I look at my neighbors. She had 2 husbands, both drunks. 3 sons, the oldest who is a meth addict, lives at home and his son lives there (although the grandmother is the one with custody). The 2nd son was a meth addict but seems to have cleaned himself up and got a job. He almost got his mother kicked out of here when he was arrested for dealing on the property. He is not allowed to come here anymore. The third son doesn't use anything but doesn't do anything either. He doesn't work or go to school and he's 22. None of the kids graduated from highschool. The grandson is starting to become a problem. He basically lives at everyone else's house including ours and is starting to act out. In this case, I think it is the parenting. She never sets rules, never has any expectations, and always flies in to rescue them. She is very loving and kind, but has provided no structure.

Tah - posted on 04/09/2011

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I agree Amanda. My 14 year old says I'm easier and do things differently for and considering my 9 year old, and he's correct, because they are 2 totally different people and have different requirements of me as a parent

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my mom and step-dad (the ones who raised us) are nuts. Lots of things in my life would be different if i had good parents, it was still me who got me where i am. I was just saying bad parents doesn't make bad kids. Some of my siblings are in a horrible position in life, others are thriving. It is up to the individual to make the right decisions. Regardless the way they are raised.

Amanda - posted on 04/09/2011

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I agree Kati theres exceptions to the rules. Not to put down your parents parenting Julianne but I noticed you said same rules same parenting for all your siblings. I am the second oldest of 9 children, and my parents did not raise us all the same, because we are not all the same. I dont raise my 3 children the same also, as they have different personalitys, so different parenting styles work for each of them. Im sorry some of your brothers are into drugs and one in jail, but maybe if your parents choose to use a different type of parenting with them, they might of made different lifestyle choices, (but then they might of just been hardwired to make those choices in life, unfor my education isnt high enough to know which it is, so I can only guess).

Rosie - posted on 04/09/2011

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i'd say it sets a good foundation for how your kids turn out. and if the parents did a shitty job then i'd say more than half the time, the kids are gonna turn out to be shitty adults.
but i do think there are exceptions to every rule.

[deleted account]

I have 10 siblings, all raised relatively the same. Same rules, same parents, same lifestyle. Two of my brothers are junkies(use IV drugs) My eldest brother is in the military..hes a really stand up guy. One sister is in university studying to be an RN . Two youngest are still school aged. Myself and my sister are both moms, have good SO's and are making a good life so far One works at macdonalds. My last brother i havent talked to in several years, i think he may still be in jail...who knows.
Same parents....yet some are criminals some are really awesome members of society....so no its the kids fault if they want to be criminals..

Amanda - posted on 04/09/2011

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Show me a bad adult child, and I bet I can find at least one co dependant parent! Sure its the parents fault to a point, many parents fail to teach their children how to function in the proper world. Fail to teach them how to take personal responsiblity, to respect themselves (which in turn, makes them respect others). If an adult child is abusing, disrespecting their parent, this is of course bad parenting! You can only abuse and disrespect, those who ALLOW you too. Somewhere in their life their mother/father said by their words or actions that its okay to treat them this way (otherwise they wouldnt be doing it).

So yes parents are partly to blame when it comes to their adult childrens behaviours. But you never actually know whats going on in a familys home, the most perfect families can be the most disfunctional ones.

Amy - posted on 04/09/2011

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Though parenting may play a role, my mother had a HORRID childhood. Awful awful and there's no reason she shouldn't have turned out awful as well. her brother ended up in jail - still is i think - for all kinds of stuff. She was raised with an abusive alcoholic and an abusive mother with all kinds of emotional issues. But...she was the most kind loving mother and person. I had a wonderful childhood.

I went to school with a girl who had awesome parents. Unless something BAD was happening I didn't see...she was very loved and given more opportunities than most. But she made wrong choices, got into drugs, knocked up...you know the story.

So all in all, to a point, I do believe parents make a difference. But it's up to the individual which path they take in life. How much encouragement is enough, how much is too much and turns to pushing and leads to resentment.

My bottom line is as long as I unconditionally love my children, make sure they have food, clothing and shelter, I didn't really screw it up. Could be a skewed view, but how I see it.

Tah - posted on 04/09/2011

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You are right Desiree, that's what I'm saying. I have patients and we always think it's sad when their children won't come and get them or visit but I always say we don't have the whole story. I'm also sure if they are mean cusses to us then it didn't just happen after the surgery, stroke or heart attack we are helping them heal from. I knew a family where all 5 of the sons were troublemakers, started with fighting, cussing, drugs, then stealing, my friend had to fight one in self defense, he went and got his brothers and they shot him, so it escalated as well. My mom always wondered, if these kids are 10 and out at 3am, whose raising whom...

Desiree - posted on 04/09/2011

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Tah I believe that as parents we have a lot to answer for. I have an Uncle who is living with my mom because the 4 kids he bought into the world want nothing to do with him. And actually its his fault He ran from all responsibility in his Life and now wants his responisbilities to look after him. His eldest daughter from his first wife he spent very little time with she was bought up by her mother parents (her mom was a prostitute) she has one daughter. His second child (he never married the mother)he never acknowledge her her entire life. Her life is a complete mess (mom is a drug and alchololic) has 2 children from 2 different men. Drinks and takes drugs. His two youngest from his second wife are the worst of the lot, his son is a criminal who has spent time in prison for Fraud, has an addiction to heroin, broke into my home and cleaned it out to support his habit. His sister is 18 uneducated and now has 2 children. Doesn't want to work. The three younger ones have no education they never finished school. And Now he needs them to take care of him they won't He set a great example running around with all kinds of not very nice women and not taking responsibility for the 4 children he added to this world. Now he is a burden to his eldest sister who is 61 and having health problems of her own. He has received more than his share he neer looked to the future ever. All that left is a bitter mean stroke victim who is partically paralised expecting someone else to look after him.

Mel - posted on 04/09/2011

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I wish I knew the answer to that. Many people I know say you should me a bad kid Ill show you a bad parent. I believe sometimes its not the case. I see good people get walked all over by their children, abused, no respect, drugs etc. One of my closest mates I see her mothers facebook posts all the time, saddens me, her life picking up after her 5 grown kids youngest being 20, not kicking them out when what they need is a good kick in the ass to learn responsibilty, she has even stabbed her mother as a teenager because she was so drug f*cked, they had to send her to ahostel because they couldnt handle her, and her brothers are the same. Also know someone whos mother is an awesome lady a pshycologist and does drug and alcohol counselling great house had her kids in private schools had it all. One kids bought his own house got married has kids and a great life, the other involved in drugs fights lots of illegal activty, his mothers house has holes in the doors and things trash when hes in one of his moods, just all sorts he threatened to put a pole threw her face when she didnt want to pick him up (we were at a firneds this guy and me together) at 3am because our taxi was taking too long. SHe is the most loving person and never speaks a bad word of him. Shes been through so much because of him. This woman is my auntie and the guy is my cousin. I see all this and I wonder what turned him this way. So I dont really think in all cases that its all the parents I dont know what turns people intoe what they are sometimes.

Tah - posted on 04/09/2011

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I should explain, the children were raised in a family that pushed pushed pushed money and success, it was about appearances and the children were almost indoctrinated with it. One of the teachings was you absolutely don't have children until finances were in order, they were taught that..and other things. You know country club life, ivy league schools are a must, take over dads insurance business etc. Well she married a artsy photographer who made almost no money at it so she had to work full-time, her parents let her know they were disappointed in her and having a baby with her husband would have just added to that.

With the son being gay, that's not the issue to me, the issue is that his family was so into appearances he was planning to we'd a woman, when she found out and left he was so afraid of ruining the facade and facing his parents, he tried to kill himself and his mother reacted the way he knew she would.

I think in a lot of cases it does fall on the parents. If they are raised in an environment like this one they will grow up to have the feelings and emotional instability these children had. If they grow up in an environment where you don't instill any values, they see you lying, cheating, stealing then you can't be surprised if they grow up to do the same.

Tara - posted on 04/09/2011

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Parents should raise their kids to the best of their ability.
And what those kids choose to do with their life is their responsibility.
In the example you gave one child is a drunk, and one won't have kids with her husband because she's scared of what her parents might say and one kid who is gay.
The only one with an issue there is the one one who is a drunk.
And that is his or her fault and no one elses.
I teach my kids to be accountable for their actions and how they effect other people.
If they choose to commit crimes, do drugs, be a drunk etc. those are all choices they will make on their own.
I don't think we as parents have as much to do with their life choices as we would like to (or not like to) think we do.
People are not only made up of how they were raised but also how they decide to deal with issues in their life and how thy choose to carry themselves through life.
We can build a foundation for them, but ultimately they will build the walls.

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