Is this man abusive?

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

736

6

98

The big question:



Is this guy abusive?



If so, is it my place to do something about it and help his girlfriend or should I just run?



One of my friends thinks my friendship with his girlfriend is equivalent to dating. I disagree. He asks if we can have that kind of relationship that he calls "dating" and I call "friendship". I consider us friends, so I say sure. No sex, and we can act just like I act with my other friends. Cool beans.





So I tell him:

-The social behaviors I define as friendship you define as dating.

-You defined my relationship with your girlfriend as a dating relationship; I defined it as a friendship

-You wanted to have the same kind of relationship with me as I have with your girlfriend

-In order to feel comfortable having that type of relationship with me, which centers on emotional intimacy, you needed to call me a “girlfriend”



But the title isn't supposed to change the nature of our relationship, which is a platonic friendship, only make you feel less guilty about the being emotionally intimate with me, which is what you base romantic relationships around...

Then he asks if I will come and spend the night, he wants cuddles. His girlfriend is going out with friends and he can’t sleep without someone to cuddle. I say no, I only sleep in my bed and I have a term paper due the next day. I don't call friends up to cuddle. I have never done this with his girlfriend, so why should he expect it from me? He should get his act together and deal with his anxiety issues.



The next day he tries to kiss me. I say, “hugs are fine” and he goes home and tells his girlfriend, he thinks he gets it. He thinks I just want to be friends.



He came by the other day (he is my childcare provider and I have no alternative but I am calling around) and he said:



1) he didn't ever say he thought myself and his girlfriend acted like we were dating, even though he we were acting like we were dating (holding hands while walking, chatting on the phone, being involved in each other lives, etc) and he might have mentioned something along those lines



2) he wants to date and kiss and do all of the relationship stuff. If I change my mind I should let him know



So he knew I was refusing to date anyone, saw me rant about how annoying it was that people kept asking me out when I didn't want to date anyone, knew about my choice to remain celibate and despite all this he asked me out.



I talked to his girlfriend, she is done with him but she doesn't know who will look after her kids while she is in work. She can't afford childcare and our schedules conflict, so we can't just trade off. He calls her everytime she goes out, and he can't sleep at night unless she's there. She can't even go get her hair done after work without getting multiple calls asking when she'll be home



He's also unemployed, so she says he will become homeless if she leaves.



So I am stuck in a bad place. If I fire him, I have no one to watch my kids while I am in classes.



She won't dump him, because she won't have anyone to watch her kids while she's at work.



He's clearly f**king with our heads and being a useless leech.



I don't know what to do

It’s not as simple as kick him to the curb, though that is something I would love to do right now.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sal - posted on 02/01/2011

1,816

16

34

i wouldn't say he was abusive but he is abusing your friendship, and abusing the fact that you and your friend seem to need him

Cassie - posted on 02/01/2011

0

0

182

No offense is meant but I think this all sounds weird from every person involved. I would never agree to be someone's "girlfriend" when I meant a strictly platonic friendship with my friend's boyfriend. I think that was weird on everyone's part...

This just all sounds like a cheesy soap opera or something..

Becky - posted on 02/01/2011

2,892

44

93

I would be concerned. If he's not abusive now, it definitely sounds like he has the potential to become abusive. He's overly dependent on her, he has mental health issues, and, since he's asking you out while he's still with her, he obviously has no respect for her! (or for you!) I can see him being the type to lose it on her and then turn it around to be all her fault because she wasn't supporting him the way he needs to be supported.
If his friend is a good friend of yours, then my personal opinion would be that you should try to help her. As for how though, I don't know. Is there low income housing in your area that she might be able to get into? Any free mental health services? Women's shelters? - sometimes they will provide outreach services to women to help them get out of bad situations without them having to actually live in the shelter.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/01/2011

21,273

9

3058

He sounds like a class A creep. Get a life, get a job, and stop being co-dependant.....that is for him. Now for you,....this is a really unhealthy relationship for all involved. You can certainly find another child care provider while in school. Your friend needs to make up her own mind. If she wants him around...then obviously she will keep him watching the kids. He sounds pathetic and like a big manipulater. I think both of your should show him the door.

Jackie - posted on 02/01/2011

1,415

44

72

I don't mean to sound rude so please don't take it that way but here's how i see it...

(By the way, I told you he was in it for more. lol)

If he's a loser and neither of you want him your lives other than to watch the kids, then both need to find other arrangements. Don't use him.

Or you could both tell that his affections are no longer welcomed or needed so he can continue to watch the kids until he finds other arangements.

He sounds like he's a little off his rocker and a master manipulator, like I said in a different post. He's playing on his own weaknesses.

18 Comments

View replies by

Brandi - posted on 02/04/2011

406

40

5

do either of you guys have family or friends that live anywhere close? Maybe you could pay them like $20 a day to help until you get on your feet. Could she move in with you?

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

6

98

My friend is coming over in five minutes and I am going to repeat how serious the situation is, and brainstorm with her for solutions. I just was hoping that the smart ladies here would be able to see options I might not be able to see because I am too close to this.

If I stop attending classes and have an unsuccessful term I not only lose my income, I lose the option of getting any future student loans.

It is not easy to find childcare. I have been trying for a long time.

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

6

98

The problem is that I am in the middle of a term at university, I need someone to watch my son while I am in classes.

I have been calling around trying to find alternative care for my son, and I have gone through entire lists from Childcare Resource and Referal and had no luck.

My daughter is in a good daycare and so we had priority to get him in there. We took him to meet the teachers they said they would not accept him without a one on one. He is being assessed for autism right now, no diagnosis, not assistance. Her daycare won't take him


I don't want him watching our son! I depend on attending my classes for my income. My income is my student loan.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/01/2011

21,273

9

3058

Excuses are not going to change the situation...you need to make an effort...just act like he doesn't exist and stop using him as a crutch.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/01/2011

21,273

9

3058

"the hand that rocks the cradle, is the hand that rules the world" so true.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/01/2011

21,273

9

3058

I am not sure that I would want someone like this (manipulative, controlling) looking after my kids. What if he loses it? Takes the kids? Or just takes off and leaves them all alone? Why would you want this guy watching after your most precious people in your lifes? Put an add up at school for daycare, talk to your proffessors about the situation ( don't get into detail, just let them know you don't have child care and ask waht can be worked out) maybe the school even will provide help...I just cannot understand why you would want him using you guys, and them you using him to take care of the kids....it blows my mind.

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

6

98

The problem is that I am in the middle of a term at university, I need someone to watch my son while I am in classes.



I have been calling around trying to find alternative care for my son, and I have gone through entire lists from Childcare Resource and Referal and had no luck.



My daughter is in a good daycare and so we had priority to get him in there. We took him to meet the teachers they said they would not accept him without a one on one. He is being assessed for autism right now, no diagnosis, not assistance. Her daycare won't take him

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

6

98

she can't get into low income housing, or even apply until she has been living here for 1 year. She just moved here

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/01/2011

21,273

9

3058

Kick him to the curb. I am sure you will survive without him. What did you do before he was around?

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

6

98

I can find alternative child care but it is hard to find. Really hard and will take time. In the meantime, I have classes to attend. I can't afford to miss classes and she can't afford to miss work.

Nicole - posted on 02/01/2011

736

6

98

Their family relies on the income from childcare subsidy to cover rent, and he has social anxiety which means he can't work any other job. He is not bad with the kids, though not the best with discipline, and we need someone to watch them.

She's just moved here and so she has no medical, so he can't see a doctor to deal with his anxiety, even though he needs to see a doctor if he can't sleep when his girlfriend is out. If she goes for a walk, he doesn't sleep until she gets home.

He calls her constantly, insisting she return home. This is bad.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms