IVF babies aborted.

Sarah - posted on 06/06/2010 ( 29 moms have responded )

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http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_...

This shocked me to be honest!
Apparently there is a rise in the number of women that receive IVF treatment and then have an abortion for various "social" reasons, such as the break up of the marriage, or simply "changing their mind".
I can't quite get my head around why you go for IVF (which i believe can be very difficult and emotional) just to turn around and abort the baby.

Your thoughts??

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Mary - posted on 06/08/2010

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Ah, Sharon, I'm still around, just have a little less CoM time since Molly's new favorite word is "Outside!", second only to "Slide!".



First off, to Lea - wow! Your ignorance and lack of compassion related to infertility is simply astounding. Sharon's response was brilliant, so I don't feel the need to elaborate.



I did go through years of unsuccessful infertility (3 IUI's and 5 IVF's) in my first marriage. I cannot, in my wildest dreams, imagine aborting, for any reason, if we had been successful. However, I truly and desperately wanted a baby...and even if I had become pregnant, and he chose to bug out, I would NEVER have even considered aborting (I am pro-choice, btw).



Infertility, and it's subsequent treatment, often does take it's toll on a relationship, especially if their have been numerous attempts without success. I was someone who had no prior issues with depression, but during that time....ughhhhh....I still shudder when I recall that period in my life. I think both society and the medical community drastically underestimate the impact that those hormones have on a woman's psyche. Add that to the cycles of hope, followed by the devastating disappointment when a cycle fails...it's a nightmare combination. While I in no way condone the actions or choices of the women in this article, I can understand, and emphathize, with how they simply felt they did not have the reserves necessary to continue on with a pregnancy when they realized their spouse had abandoned them. (The first woman was simply a selfish, deceitful bitch whose spouse SHOULD dump her!). Again, not a choice I would have made, but I can see how they felt unable to cope.



It's hard to explain unless you have lived through it, but infertility, and it's treatments, can be a demoralizing and isolating thing to live through. You find yourself consumed with lab work, sonograms, injections, procedures and tests. Sex is no longer an act of love and pleasure with your spouse...it is a highly regulated activity with the sole purpose of conceiving. You find that you distance yourself from your friends who have children...it is simply too painful to interact with people who easily achieved what you so desperately long for, and most of these friends are consumed with their children, and cannot really "get" where you are at. Likewise, you cannot be understanding of the struggles and challenges that your friends are facing as new mothers. Not only is your marriage taking a hit, but some of your most steadfast friendhips are faltering as well.



Above all, there is an overwhelming feeling that you are not in control of ANYthing, and that you are just plain inadequate as a woman. Your sense of self-worth, and self-esteem, are sorely challenged. Imagine being in this place, psychologically, and emotionally, when you find out you are pregnant ( a whole different hormonal challenge)! Hooray!...oh, but, wait...your partner has now abandoned you for another woman...



Yeah, I can see where SOME woman, who may not have the best support system in place, may feel unable to continue on with what once was a much-wanted pregnancy on their own. I can see where all of the irrational anger, hurt, and desperation that they have been acumulating and carrying around during their infertility treatments becomes simply overwhelming when faced with yet another failure in their life, and they decide that they simply cannot face the prospect of being a single mother.

Charlie - posted on 06/12/2010

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Just ban IVF... I always wondered if maybe there wasn't a good reason some people couldn't have kids... well I'm sure this has to still be rare.


WOW Lea , that is one of the most cruel and insensitive posts i have ever read on COM , i really hope in some way you didnt intend on what was written , i really cannot fathom how someone could say something so ignorant and hurtful to the thousands of amazing mothers who have struggled to conceive and gave birth through the miracle of IVF.

Jacquii - posted on 06/11/2010

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I found this article really disturbing. I have had 3 IVF cycles and each was indeed very difficult and emotional. I paid for each of my cycles in full.
The thought that some women have succesful cycles, paid for by the NHS and then terminate these pregnancies, again using NHS funds.
There are so many families out there who would give all they have for a child of their own and these women, who have been given that chance are then destroying it.
What a waste of NHS money and what a waste of the skills of the IVF clinic staff.
A shocking story :(

Carolee - posted on 06/07/2010

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This pisses me off! My sister and husband are still trying to get the $15,000 needed to try IVF (with no guarantee that it will work, and it's another $3-5,000 for each subsequent try). If these women wanted to waste that kind of money, they should have snuck donations to families who have been trying unsuccessfully to have children of their own for years. The women are already lying to their husbands... at least put it to some good use.



And just because you don't like the prospect of being a single mom does not mean that you should kill your kids! If you wouldn't do it after they're born, don't do it after you specifically did this type of treatment to concieve. There is ALWAYS a chance of being a single parent. It sucks, and it happens sometimes, but it is not always a permanant situation. Nobody ever knows when a man might either leave or die... same goes for women.

Iris - posted on 06/06/2010

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"However I don't think there should be a ban on abortions for these women as someone mentioned... there shouldn't be a ban on abortions for anyone, because there are always going to be circumstances, such as medically necessary ones, where an abortion could be needed. Plus just because someone chose to have IVF doesn't mean their choice to terminate, for any reason, should be taken away."



I agree Joanna. I might be shocked by this article but I don't think that choice should be taken away.

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29 Comments

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Zoe - posted on 06/15/2010

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it is so shocking i dont know how anyone can through all the emotions of ivf just to turn round an get rid it's not right maybe they should have given up for adoption ? maybe there should be a law so this cannot happen. i know people are counselled before having ivf but maybe it should last longer . these people been selfish by using the time of the doctor and good medical resources someone else who cannot have kids could have had that time.

Lyndsay - posted on 06/13/2010

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Really?? Wow. I think people need to make up their minds, firmly and for good, before going for IVF treatment. Its just such a waste of money and resources that could be used for people who actually want the babies.

C. - posted on 06/11/2010

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I haven't been to this thread since Carolee's post, I believe.. I can't believe Lea said that.. That just baffles me, honestly. I have never been in a situation where IVF was needed and I hope I never have to be, but I pray that you never have to experience something like that b/c God knows some ignorant boob would say what you just said and you would be tremendously offended and hurt. Did it ever occur to you that maybe it wasn't their personality or even anything that was their fault that prevented them from getting pregnant on their own? Sometimes things just happen. That was just.. Beyond rude.

I have nothing more to say on this.. The fact that somebody has the audacity to say something like that just floors me.

Louise - posted on 06/08/2010

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You would of thought that women who are prepared to go through this rather intrusive and painful treatment would be 100% sure they wanted a child. How very sad :(

[deleted account]

"Just ban IVF... I always wondered if maybe there wasn't a good reason some people couldn't have kids... well I'm sure this has to still be rare"

Really?! Not only was your statement hurtful, it's downright cruel. Is this the kind of person you are? Hurtful and cruel to think that parents can't be good parents via IVF? You think couples really chose this route for kicks & giggles? You have obviously never known the pain and frustration and emotional toll it takes on you when you cannot conceive. How lovely for you that you must be so super fertile and can get knocked up without shelling out 20 thousand dollars, subject yourself to humiliating diagnostics, and then watch everyone else around you annoucne their pregnancies and grow their families. What a selfish point of view! I'll tell you what-the next time your husband/partner ejaculates inside of you while trying to conceive, QUICKLY run down to your gyno's office to subject yourself to an internal exam and culture to see if the sperm is compatible inside of your hostile environment! Then come back and report how much fun that is.

[deleted account]

I'm sure you didn't mean it that way, but your statement was a bit hurtful. I know several adoptive and IVF parents and they are great parents. It's a long and difficult road for someone who wants a child, but cannot for whatever reason. But in a way, you're right. I have a few friends and cousins that wouldn't be in my life if not for their adoptive parents. Who knows where they would be now without their adoptive parents.

Lea - posted on 06/07/2010

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Just ban IVF... I always wondered if maybe there wasn't a good reason some people couldn't have kids... well I'm sure this has to still be rare

Jenny - posted on 06/07/2010

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It's definately messed up and a huge waste of resources. However, I do not like the idea of women like that having kids if that is where their priorities lie so I suppose they made the right choice for society.

Sara - posted on 06/07/2010

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That does seem crazy. Maybe those women just like attention or something? I mean, if you want a baby that bad, you're not going to get rid of it just because you're marriage breaks up or you change your mind...c'mon. It's incredibly irresponsible.

[deleted account]

It's just selfish and sick. A woman has a right to do what she likes with her own body, but not at the expense of British taxpayers. Women who terminate IVF babies for non-medical reasons at the expense of the NHS should get a bill for the cost of the IVF and the termination. It's not fair that everyone else should pay just because their schedule has be inconvenienced.

Marabeth - posted on 06/06/2010

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i think it's seriously messed up. how much more 'playing god' can you get? this goes beyond women's rights in my mind. i mean obviously the government needs to protect their rights over their own bodies.. but beyond that from a social responsibility stand point i think this is really messed up. i'm not even a very religious person but i can't help but think they're going to somehow pay for that, you know what i mean? people don't even do that with pets for christ's sake!! if you get a pet and it doesn't work out you give it up.. for *adoption!* you don't go to a vet and have the young animal killed. (yes i know a fetus is different than an animal that has been born which is why i feel that her right to an abortion should be protected.. but it still just doesn't feel right.)

[deleted account]

I do know that part of our consultation with the fertility doctor had a lot of questions that made sure we were psychological sound and stable as a couple, and we both had the same goals. But like I said, I went through this short-term. I know women who have gone through the infertility/IVF route for years and years, and over time I am sure they are not the same psychologically as when they started the process considered cycle after cycle of failure and literally planning your entire monthly calendar around this shot, that diagnositic exam, those meds, ovulation time, egg retrieval time, fertilization time, 2 week wait time, etc.

[deleted account]

I agree with the majority of you ladies. I'm shocked and don't understand.

If this is becoming a common thing, then perhaps women should undergo a psychological examination before they are approved for IVF.

Joanna - posted on 06/06/2010

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I don't understand why you would go through IVF if you weren't at a stable part of your life. I feel for these women, I hope they get their life together and stop abusing such a wonderful thing.

However I don't think there should be a ban on abortions for these women as someone mentioned... there shouldn't be a ban on abortions for anyone, because there are always going to be circumstances, such as medically necessary ones, where an abortion could be needed. Plus just because someone chose to have IVF doesn't mean their choice to terminate, for any reason, should be taken away.

Jocelyn - posted on 06/06/2010

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My thoughts on this are simple:
What a waste of time, energy, money and medicine.

Isobel - posted on 06/06/2010

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Carol, while I don't agree with what she did, I can kind of understand where she's coming from.

I have two kids from a previous marriage, their dad cheated on me a million times, was verbally and mentally abusive, and then after the divorce he kept me in court for over a year trying to win full custody away from me and almost succeeded despite the fact that he was a drug addict loser.

Now, I am with the most amazing man ever, and have been for over 5 years (I've known him since I was 18), and he may or may not want children of his own.

While, in theory, I would love to have a baby with him so he can have some of his own...I'm not so sure it would be that simple...I think I would be constantly thinking about divorce and custody, and all the terrible things I had to go through with the first two.

I can kinda see how somebody could decide to have a baby while they are in a good frame of mind then FREAK when the hormones kick in and everything gets a little more real.

I don't agree with what these women are doing, don't get me wrong...but I CAN kind of understand it.

Amie - posted on 06/06/2010

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This is shocking. I'm Pro-choice and I don't understand it. IVF is not easy or cheap. I don't know why anyone would go through that only to abort it.

The first story told bothered me the most. She LIED to her husband. =S My god. If you don't want kids, fine, tell him. Don't do the treatments, abort it and act like they never worked. Wow.

Women abort for varying reasons, it is entirely up to them. I don't have to like or agree with the reasons but I will support them. I will never change my stance on being pro-choice. I will never agree with letting some arbitrary person say what a person can or can not do with their own body. (whole other debate but this is where I'll leave it)

I don't understand either the whole “Sometimes it is only when women get pregnant that they can allow themselves to ask the question about whether it is really what they want.” /:) Seriously? You go to that much trouble and have not entirely thought it through?

Johnny - posted on 06/06/2010

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My father's best friend was married to a woman who did this... 3 times. It was her second marriage and she had 3 kids by her previous husband who she did not have custody of and only visited on occasion. My father's friend wanted children, and she claimed that she did as well, and so they went through IVF and it took quite some time to take. When the first succeeded, she was fine for about a month, and then she moved out and got an abortion. No explanation or anything, just said that she'd changed her mind. The second time also took a while for the IVF to work, and she claimed almost immediately to have had a miscarriage (it came out later that she had aborted). The third time the IVF worked right away and again, everything was fine for a month and she took off and had an abortion. Needless to say, it was devastating for my father's friend. He finally divorced her and moved out into the bush where he practically became a hermit. I think in her case, the pregnancy hormones made her almost insane and lead her to repeatedly abort. But personally, I think what she did was terrible and she should never have entered into IVF if she wasn't certain she wanted to have a baby. I suppose that although I consider myself pro-choice, there are some choices that I just can't get down with.

[deleted account]

Where's Nurse Mary?! I'd love her personal, and professional intake on this one! I only did the "short-term" infertility roller coaster and I kow Mary ran the whole gamut of ups & downs.

I am pro-choice, but I'm upset by the aborted pregnancy due to the "social and career reasons". That goes back to the trickery & deceit, plus IMO, a lot of mental instability. The article summed it up perfectly "There are no accidental pregnancies through IVF." The women would most likely have been a shitty mom, putting her own social & career in front of the role of motherhood.

However, a pending divorce and infidelity might sway my opinion in favor of the woman. This could have easily have been a textbook standard planned pregnancy, or even an unplanned pregnancy. But if the marriage is unstable, then bringing a child into the mix of it can be cruel. Having a baby during troubled marriage times does not always fix the marriage, but may have the opposite effect. Just because the pregnancy was a result of IVF does not persuade me to think differently.

C. - posted on 06/06/2010

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My thoughts..? I think it's disgusting and should be banned since they CHOSE to become pregnant. Abortion itself is another topic and I'm not going to get started about my thoughts on it.. But I definitely think in instances where the mother chose to get pregnant, abortions should be banned. IVF is a long process, so mothers would have enough time to figure out whether they actually want a baby or not. People are just disgusting anymore..

Erin - posted on 06/06/2010

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this does not make sense to me at all. if you were going to go through all the trouble an expense of conceiving through IVF, why the heck would you turn around and abort the baby?!? personally if i was going to go to such lengths to become pregnant i would be darn sure ahead of time i wanted to have a baby, and that i was in a stable relationship that would support a child. wow, i really cant wrap my mind around that one!

Sharon - posted on 06/06/2010

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In the event of a divorce, I kind of understand it. kind of.

But for social situations? Not really. Still, who wants such a shallow person caring for a child, so all in all, they did what was best for all concerned.

Iris - posted on 06/06/2010

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My thoughts, I'm shocked too!

I remember when a friend of mine was going through IVF treatment. I think she had to wait up to 6-8 months just to get in. Then it took them two treatments before she got pregnant. Oh, and the cost was sky high!



To turn around after all that planning and waiting and decide to terminate the pregnancy is way beyond my understanding. I also think it feels like a punch in the face for the women who have had numerous treatments without results.

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