Keep my job or stay at home

Angela - posted on 08/10/2013 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I'm trying to decide what is best for my family. I've worked several years in a business dominated by men. Now I'm running my own office. I make a good salary for a women in the field. 80,000 a year. I now have the opportunity to be a stay at home mom. My husband is making enough money that I don't have to work. I have a few medical issues and I'm on medical leave for 30 days. This would be a no brainer stay home but we've had some rough patches in the marriage recently. After being married 12 years I caught him texting other girls. Never actually meeting them but flirting not telling them he was married. We are working through this but I'm worried if I quit my job I'm dependent on him. Keeping my job I can live well with or with out him. He is the love of my life. I've never felt this way for anyone and I was married once before. Am I being stupid for thinking about staying home? I would do it with no second thought if it was not for recently finding those text. He said he needed to feel wanted that I was putting so much into work and I was getting sick again and pulling away from him. So every time I pull away when I get sick do I have to worry he's wondering? I'm lost any advise will help.

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Kandace - posted on 08/12/2013

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I would stay home your family comes first no matter what. Money grows on trees ( totally opposite from what people say) but it really does its paper you love life is your future you will remember that more. Plus think what you what to remember when you die ..? How much money you make or who you spent your life with!

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[deleted account]

I think that given your marital problems of late it would be better to keep your job. While he may say he's just flirting, it can lead to other things and it's better for you to have that financial safety net.

Angela - posted on 08/12/2013

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I do have a checking account in my name I also own a Harley in my name only. The kids are our biological children. But the issues we had I did keep copies of everything just so I have proof. Also with this circle of moms can I change it so my last name doesn't show? I'm trying to figure out how to use this. Bc of the positions we hold I can't talk to anyone in our circle. This sight has helped me so much. I got so depressed when everything came to a head that I had no one to talk to. I made a very stupid decision and I got a tattoo to cover the scars on my wrist. Just being able to get everything out I feel more confident and no longer am I feeling depressed thinking I'm doing damage to our relationship by taking precautions. More than anything I want to grow old with my husband I love him but I won't deal with even texting other women. It is cheating. Anyway our relationship seems stronger than ever but I'm still checking phone records I have full access to his phone and email account plus he is trying not to get upset when I ask a lot of questions and that is big for him. So he is trying very hard to make it right. Like today I found a card in my truck he's doing little things that after 13 years you forget the little things you did in the beginning. Also we are doing date night on a regular basis.

[deleted account]

I am glad to see that you are taking steps to keep yourself safe. One other note that you might want to consider: If your husband is the biological father of the daughter you opened the account for, you need to open another account in only your name. In most states in the US, he would have rights as an executor to that account until she is 18 should you decide to divorce him. This doesn't mean he gets access to the money, however, it can be frozen during divorce proceedings so that neither you, nor he, has access to it. This is good for your child, but if YOU need the money to get away, you may not have access to it. In other words, by putting your income into your daughter's account, you are simply transferring your dependence from your husband to your daughter. You must have an account of your own.

Angela - posted on 08/11/2013

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Thank you, I've opened an account in my daughters name and we made an agreement that since he is his own boss that he will be paying me an income to do his invoicing. This money will go into the account in our daughters name. As well I do have a vehicle in my name and I've established good credit. I appriciate the advice and I will be doing some more work to establish more security so that I am comfortable staying at home.

[deleted account]

My advice is that you should NEVER be completely dependent on someone else in any area of life, including financially.

I am currently a SAHM, but before I became one, I made sure I had provisions in place should I ever need to leave my husband, or should anything ever happen to him.
I opened a bank account with enough money to start a new life for myself and my son--my name is the ONLY name on the account, my husband has no access and no rights to the account or anything in it. You don't need much, a few thousand to pay deposits and carry you until you secure a job, more if you plan to only work part time or continue to stay at home.
I purchased a car in my name only. A car is ESSENTIAL. If you cannot put away $30k-$40k in an account of your own, at least buy yourself a good car to run away in. It is your easiest means of fleeing should he become abusive. If you can afford it, buy a car that you can spend a few nights in. I've lived in a car before, it's not so bad and it will do if you cannot afford to put away enough savings.
I also purchased an office building that I lease to commercial tenants (You don't need a lot of cash, just a good business plan and good credit). Currently, the income goes into our joint accounts, but should we separate, the building is mine only, he has no rights to it or any income it generates in the event of our separation (some states may require you to stipulate that in a pre or post nuptial agreement, otherwise he will have rights to it as jointly owned property just because you are legally married. Be sure to check your state law). This way, should I separate, I still have a modest income without having to work outside my home.

I would never trust another person with my future--or any part of my life for that matter--and financial security is a HUGE part of a person's life and future. I LOVE being a sahm, I find the position very fulfilling and a good fit for our family. I also LOVE my husband; he has never given me any indication that he might leave, or that he might hurt me in any way, but I cannot see inside his head, thus, I can never trust him completely. I think many women have this false sense of security when a man says "I promise...." that he'll actually keep the promise. No one actually keeps all their promises, so don't depend on anyone but yourself. If you want to be a sahm, go for it--I highly recommend it--just make sure you have securities in place to keep your life in tact should he hurt you.

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