Lesson 10: You shouldn't need a business card to go to the damn park

Katherine - posted on 01/27/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )




Lesson Ten: You Shouldn't Even Need a Business Card to Go to the Damn Park

As a parent, you are expected to associate with other parents who have children the same age as yours. I’m not sure exactly why but I suspect it’s because bears are less likely to attack large groups of people. I’ve been told that it’s because motherhood can be isolating and that mommy-and-me playdates are a great way for moms to relax and enjoy each other’s company.

I don’t know who started that rumor but it’s extremely misleading, as most mothers leave those groups feeling exhausted, judged, and even more lonely than before. This is why you should choose friends based on whether you like them or not, rather than solely because they had unprotected sex in the same month that your IUD failed.

I mean, that would be like choosing a husband based on the coincidence that you both know how to groom cats, or have the exact same genitals. It might give you something to talk about for a few days but pretty soon you realize that one of you is 85 and Icelandic and the other is a heroin addict who only speaks Spanish.

Still, many new mothers feel that joining playgroups is an essential part of being a parent and some even enjoy the experience. These women are usually drunk. Or they’re super competimoms who need someone to compare themselves to so they feel good about the fact that they’ve terrified their child into potty-training at 3 months. You can usually tell them apart because the drunk moms are having a much better time and are more likely to get arrested. The competimoms are the ones handing out mommy business cards and who are much less topless.

The first time someone handed me a mommy business card, I thought it was a joke. It said, “I’m Jayden’s mommy. Here is our number and address. Please come rob us.” That last line was just implied. I handed her a copy of my business card (“The Bloggess: Only offensive to assholes”) and then she told me that she didn’t actually have enough mommy cards and she took hers back. I told her it was fine because I have a photographic memory and asked if she had any dogs or security cameras. She left. Quickly. But that’s probably for the best because most “mommy business cards” are a sign that you should run like hell because that chick is probably insane. Still, the concept is a good one so I’ve decided to make some mommy cards for the rest of us.

(Note: I made that one primarily to give out to people you want to get rid of. It totally works.)

This last card is more of a test. If the mom laughs, then it’s probably a good match. If the mom is appalled and starts backing away slowly, then just clarify that it’s only because she seems like a conscientious parent who would totally feed her child all-organic and you’re trying to cut back on preservatives.

If anything, it’s a compliment.

* All proceeds from the sales of these cards go to the-fund-to-buy-me-stronger-meds. It's a very worthy cause.

Check out the link to read her hilarious business cards.



Sal - posted on 01/28/2011




god i've been in the bush too long-i have never heard of mummy cards but i wish i had i;d be able to sell them to the to the mum who has everything.....where i come from we use to phone book to find people we want to talk to, backwards i know but works for me.


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Nicole - posted on 01/28/2011




I want to have mommy business cards! I will have Brat Patrol in bold letters at the top and a photo of my livingroom after my kids have finished playing in it, complete with handprints, then I'll put my name as so-and-so's-mom. It will be great.

Lady Heather - posted on 01/28/2011




Ahahahaha. Win.

Never actually received a real life mommy card but I kind of want to just for the novelty of the experience.

Jenny - posted on 01/28/2011




I used to carry around business cards that were a condensed version of my resume. I got a good job that way. I was a graphic designer and worked in print shops so I geeked out on that stuff. It's kinda weird to hand them out in parks though, can't they just add numbers into thier cell phones?

[deleted account]

You'd be amazed how many mommy business cards I've received at parks!! I always find them odd....that said, a few times, not sure exactly what to do, I gave my actual business card in return to the business card mommies, and each time they gave me this strange, confused, surprised look like I was some anomaly from space they'd never seen before and couldn't quite understand......I don't get it, but after 3 tries with 3 different moms, all getting the same response, I decided not to do that again.

Jocelyn - posted on 01/27/2011




ROFLMFAO @ Let's pretend to be lesbians and see how open minded this playgroup really is!!!!!

Jocelyn - posted on 01/27/2011




Don't think any less of me, but I ALMOST bought some mommy business cards last year...
*ducks and runs*

Stifler's - posted on 01/27/2011




Are you telling me there are seriously people out there who make business cards??

Becky - posted on 01/27/2011




Those are awesome!
I actually came across a mom who gave out mommy business cards once. At the time, I thought it was cute. That was before I was a mom myself.

Stifler's - posted on 01/27/2011




LOL at the business cards.

my sister could speak 3 languages by age 4, í'm sure it comes in handy for her in prison.


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