Losing a twin

[deleted account] ( 4 moms have responded )

My boss announced a couple months ago that he and his wife were expecting twins, which would expand their family of four to six. My boss is a very soft-spoken guy, and it's hard to read him, but he seemed very stressed about the whole situation. They already had a 6yo boy and 4yo girl, and were certainly not ready for a set of twins. But they were going to make due.

Then yesterday I found out that they lost one of them. They hadn't found out the genders yet, but there is definitely only one now. My boss seems somewhat relieved, and I really can't blame him, but I don't know how his wife feels, and I'm torn on whether I feel bad for them, having lost a child, or if I feel like this is a blessing in disguise for them.

It's really none of my business but it just bothers me for some reason, especially since I was excited about it and was going to crochet them some baby items like booties and hats and maybe a couple blankets. But now it seems like it might be a slap in the face to them, if I were to only make them one layette, or one blanket, or one whatever I would decide to do. It'd probably still be okay to make them a few different items, like three or four onesies so that it's not such a big deal, or something like that...But I don't know, it just bothers me.

Surely some of you have had friends who have experienced miscarriages, and I'm certain some of you have had one or two yourselves. I have been lucky to have never experienced it, but I really don't know how I'd feel if I did anyway. But what's the etiquette for it? What's pushing the boundary, and what's harmless? I honestly have no clue, death as a whole has never been something that I've been tactful about. So I'm really sorry if I offended anybody, I honestly am not meaning to, I'm just naiive and want to know how others feel about this.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Janice - posted on 05/04/2012

1,890

18

63

I would still make something if that's what you planned to do originally. Like Meme said they are still bringing a baby into the world.



I think this type of loss is different than a singleton miscarriage. I miscarried a baby at 10 weeks and while it was upsetting I was able to move on quickly because I wasn't still carry another baby as a constant reminder. Also, I was young it was unplanned and my hubby and I were not yet married, so it was in someways a relief. But, I think if it were me with twins, the surviving twin would be a constant reminder of the loss and would be much more difficult to move on from.



I think it is very possible that your boss and his wife feel differently about the loss. He may be more relieved while she is more distraught. Since you are not close, I would just avoid the subject unless it is brought up. I would also wait until the third trimester before you give any gifts.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 05/04/2012

3,377

8

66

I think you making them something still, is a wonderful idea. I think it would be appreciated and well accepted. They may have lost one (which is terrible IMO) but they do still have another, that they will bring into this world and love to death. Everything does happen for a reason, even if you don't know why or it is a terrible experience (as it may be for his wife). However, they still need to think of the baby that will be arriving into their arms.



I think you should make them whatever you want. They will love it. ;)



ETA:

I had a miscarriage before my boy. I was 10 weeks. It was a very sad time. However, I realized that it was for the best. Since, the baby obviously had something wrong. I would prefer that, then s/he had been born and had a lifetime of illness and sadness.

4 Comments

View replies by

Sal - posted on 05/05/2012

1,816

16

34

give a gift after the birth then they will be celebrating the little life they have...my friend lost a twin and while she does think of it from time to time she feels that she was just lucky to not have lost both babies as that was the other very real option for her, kind of one twin was scrificed to save the other and that made her baby daughter that she lost even more special, as it ment she had her beautiful son

[deleted account]

Definitely waiting, she's not due until two months after I have mine, so in the meantime I'll make them a few things while I'm making some for mine and maybe by then it won't be so fresh on the mom's mind :(

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms