?? - posted on 04/12/2010 ( 16 moms have responded )




What are your views on marriage? Are you for it, against it or apathetic to it?

My parents are married - seperated after 32 years of marriage and have 4 children.
My in-laws are not married - together for 26 years this year and have 1 child.
My partner and I are not married but have been together for 2 years and we have 1 child.

Each family dynamic is insanely different, comparing them really is comparing apples, oranges and banana's. But now my partner and I are facing many different questions about getting married. With my parents having married before my brother was born and are now separated and his parents still very happy together after 25 years we have different views on marriage. We also have my grandparents and his grandparents who are going on 50 years of still being happily married. As well as my brother and his girlfriend going on 12 years unmarried.

He had the view of marriage being pointless, a waste of money and the wedding being an extravagant way of getting free shit when we first met and the first time we just casually talked about marriage while watching TV. Now he doesn't see it that way but he absolutely sees no real reason or rush or want or need to get married. He still sees it as a way for people to try and con gifts from people and generally refuses to buy gifts for people when they get married. He'll get them a card but the most he'll spend on a gift is about $20.

I've always viewed getting married as a way of expressing your commitment and a way to 'let the world know' that you love this person and want to spend your life with them, in every way shape or form. And I understand that you can do that without a wedding, but it was just some special. Maybe I'm just a romantic but I think that getting married to the person you want to spend your life with is something you should cherish if you want to do it. I always said I would only be getting married once in my life and I plan on sticking to that, so I will never rush into that decision.

Having seen how different 'scenario's' can work out I don't think that being married or not being married means much either way. I think it's absolutely 100% on the shoulders of both people in the relationship. What would be a happy marriage for one couple, would be an unhappy marriage for another couple and vice versa.

I would like to get married at some point. But I don't think it will make or break our family. What do you think? Does/would being married make your family more complete? Or do you think that you would be / are just as happy and feel just as complete if you weren't married?

This conversation has been closed to further comments


View replies by

Hannah - posted on 04/23/2010




At 27 years old, I am on my second marriage. I was married way too young and thought that I could handle the pressures of being married. My husband was in the military and we lived over seas. At 18 and 19, that was hard to be so far away from my family. It ended in a very dramatic divorce but without kids. Thank God! I am very happily married now for almost 2 years but we have been together for 6. We both agreed that we wouldn't marry at all. That is until I had my first son. My husband wanted us to have the same name, and I agreed.

Lindsay - posted on 04/13/2010




My views on marriage have changed a lot over time. At one point in my life, a big fancy wedding was important. Now, the concept of spending a ridiculous amount of money on a wedding seems like a waste and really nothing to do with a marriage. We had always planned on getting married someday and then I found out I was pregnant. And I am definately not one to run off and get married soley because I was having a baby. To me, that is totally bizzare and likely a disaster waiting to happen. So we waited, not wanting to rush into a marriage we weren't sure of. Our relationship grew stronger and stronger. I started to think that the whole point of being married came down to being able to add them on the insurance.

We may get married, someday. But I don't think you have to be married to have a healthy, nurturing and strong relationship.

Karissa - posted on 04/13/2010




It seems like a simple thing, "To be married or not to be, that is the question." And it seems like it should be a simple answer too. I am at the moment not married, although my boyfriend and I both would love to get married, financially we can't do it yet. I would love the whole pretty dress and flowers thing but it's not necessary.

I've talked to my boyfriend tons of times while watching 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, and our friend's lives. Him being a guy gives him a perspective that I don't have. He has said that even though a man and a woman may be together for a long time, have children, live in the same house, the reason why he would opt out of being married is completely selfish and self preservation. When you are in a relationship and you aren't married you have the freedom, which is a phrase I hate, to leave. Even though the guy has no intention of leaving, the option is still there, and that's what guys like, options.

The second a guy gets married that option has gone away. And even though he could still leave once married the consequences are worse. While dating in the future who wants to say to a potential girlfriend, "Yeah, I was married once, didn't like it so I left." Not really a heart warmer is it.

I see this with my grandparents all the time. OK well that phrase "grandparents" doesn't really do it justice. He's my grandpa while my "grandma" is really the woman my grandpa cheated on my real grandma with and has been with her for the last forever. With them, they aren't married but need each other. I really mean need each other. They can't get out of bed without help, "Grandma" need's grandpa's retirement money and Grandpa needs "Grandma's" cooking. Seems kinda dumb. But they have both spent the last 10 years saying I'm leaving, I've had enough of you, but we all know that neither one of them is going anywhere without the other. But if they were 40 years younger they would have been done with each other.

Think of it this way. You want your children to know that Daddy loved Mommy so much he paid money and told the government that he was going to be with her FOREVER. It's a public commitment. Yes you have made the commitment to each other but now you are telling everyone you meet that you have made that commitment. If he feels uncomfortable with people giving you things then set up a charitable donation. Whatever people were going to give you they can now give to your favorite charity.

As a little girl you always dream about wearing a pretty dress and walking down the isle and having all your friends around and getting married to Prince Charming. That's why we have Homecoming and Prom. Every girl likes getting dressed up. And you should have that opportunity to be able to do that. It's not everyday that a Mommy gets to do her makeup and look absolutely perfect and have the whole day be about her. Everyday is kids, dad, work, food, cleaning, baths, homework. Not very glamorous. You deserve a day for you to be with the man you love and have everyone celebrate your love. Seems tacky when put that way. If your boyfriend thinks that it doesn't matter if you are married or not then get married. If YOU WANT to do it then it should be important to him too. He should want to make you happy and if being married will make you happy then he should want to do it.
It all comes back to my first point. He's afraid of loosing his option of being free. While being "single" might look good in his mind do you want to have to mark "single" while lugging around 3 kids. It's sort of embarrassing.

LaCi - posted on 04/13/2010




I really don't care about marriage. I feel like I express my commitment to my boyfriend every day, and he does the same for me. There is a possibility I will end up married, only so he can be on my insurance plans, be notified as one another's next of kin if something should happen to one of us, those little legalities. If there were a way around getting married for all that I'd just go that direction, and there may be I haven't looked into it. We would just be signing the papers at the courthouse though, no wedding or anything. I'm just really not interested in the emotional aspect of marriage, to me it's just unnecessary. My family is complete, we are committed and happy, and bringing paper into it really doesnt change anything.

Louise - posted on 04/13/2010




I got married at 19 and have been married for 20 years in June. I always felt complete being married and showing the world we are together, until my husband drifted away about six months ago and now I feel that marriage means nothing. We are still together but things are not what they were. Being married is not going to make my husband love me and stay with me the financial side of things are more to do with that. If you want to get married then tell your partner what it means to you and explain that being married would make you feel complete if he still says no then he is selfish and should consider your feelings more. It does not have to be a lavish wedding just the two of you. Men are just so frightened of commitment but at some stage they have to bit the bullet.

Sarah - posted on 04/13/2010




My parents got married, (not sure how much time elapsed) got divorced when i was 3, got married again when i was 5 and then divorced again when i was 10. So bit of a crazy one! lol.

My husbands parents have been married for about 40 odd years i think.

I was always quite into the idea of getting married. My now husband was never into the idea of kids and marriage, but then our eldest came along! We got married nearly 3 years ago now and i found i was pregnant with our youngest when we got back from honeymoon.

We didn't spend much on our wedding at all, it was super laid back and in my opinion, totally perfect! I would never have spent out thousands of pounds on our wedding. We had better things to spend our money on. A wedding should be about a proclamation of love, not about having the most expensive things and the most lavish reception (in my opinion anyway)

I never thought being married would make much of difference to be honest. For me though,it has. I feel more secure (we had a few cheating issues over our 10yrs together!) it's just made our relationship loads stronger. Maybe that's because we've had a rough time over the years. I would definitely fight hard to keep us together if things were to turn sour again. I believe in the vows i took (though it was a non religious ceremony) i aim to stand by them. I'm not anti divorce though, i think my mum made the right choice. (though perhaps she should have stuck to it the first time! lol)

Marriage can strengthen a relationship, but i've also heard of cases where it's ended up being the end of the relationship. No-one really knows what effect it will have until you do it. You just have to make the best decisions you can i guess, like any other decision in life. :)

Lisamarie - posted on 04/13/2010




My mum and dad were married, divorced 2 years later!! She then married my step dad and they've been married 16 years. I've been married to my hubby for 4 years in August. The meeting of my husband, my wedding and the arrival of my 1st child all coincided with the time line in which my mum met and married my biological dad. Our marriage has lasted longer than theirs.

I'm old fashioned and believe in marriage, I think everyone has the right to the life they want and mine was to be a housewife. I love being Mrs Kemp and love that myself, hubby and children all share the same name! =)

I actually told the hubby last night if we ever seperated I would never divorce him as I'd want to keep his surname! lol

[deleted account]

LOL Jo! It would be pretty incredibly sad to pay for a wedding just for sex for one minute. I'll have to proof read my posts a little better! Glad it gave you a good laugh though!

?? - posted on 04/12/2010




OMG Sara, I read that SO wrong !!!

"we are Christians and if you want to have sex then...well you know. I don't regret the decision to get married so young or so fast for one minute"

I thought you were meaning... the sex lasted one minute LMAO I had to re-read it a couple times thinkin "she had to mean that a different way !!!"

Rosie - posted on 04/12/2010




at first i thought that getting married was something just for legal reasons, and to show my commitment to chad in front of our families, and friends, and an excuse to have children without people looking at me like i was the scum of the earth (i was single with my first).in society we are expected to get married, and i will admit that that had played a part in it as well.

at first i didn't "feel" any different, it was just a piece of paper, i thought. we had some issues a couple years back and i came to realize that my marriage wasn't just a piece of paper. i had vowed to love him, honor him and be faithful to him until death do us part. i was vehement about not giving up on us, it just wasn't an option. do i think i would feel this way if i wasn't married? not for sure, but i think i wouldn't. me vowing to spend my life with him did something to me i can't explain. it has made our resolution to be together that much stronger and i know i am more complete because of it. i don't think i am happier than before i got married, but i know that it has taken our relationship into another level. if you can have that without being married thenthat's great! but for me, being married has put a whole other dimension onto my relationship, that i am grateful for.

[deleted account]

I'm married. And we did rush so to speak. We had known each other one year on the day we got married. But it's one of those, "when you know, you know" things. We've been happily married for 5 years with one daughter and we want more kids. This doesn't make a difference to most people, but we are Christians and if you want to have sex then...well you know. I don't regret the decision to get married so young or so fast for one minute. And not just because of the sex. =)

That being said, I know happily unmarried people with children. Works for them.

Charlie - posted on 04/12/2010




Ive been in a happily unmarried relationship for nearly 5 years now lived together for 4 years , we are engaged but are in no certain rush , however my dad has started chemo and i feel its very important he be there to walk me down the isle .

I never used to put much emphasis on marriage coming from a divorced family and knowing A LOT of other divorced families until i nearly killed my fiance in a car crash * long story * and we lost a baby first pregnancy * sad story* and we came out of it together stronger than ever it made me think that i would love to make the ultimate commitment to him ( he had previously asked me , i dodged the question ) , and now that we have a child it would be nice for me to become a Ramsay like the rest of my little clan , so i proposed to him , he said yes :)

I dont think marriage would make us any better , as ive gotten older i do think it shows a deeper level of commitment in a way but i dont think it MAKES a relationship , its more of the icing on the cake for me (mmmm cake)

I agree WAY to many people rush into marriage and i do not believe marriage is for everyone , i know plenty of long term relationships( over ten years) that have outlasted a lot of marriages and are still completely happy , its up to each individual couple .

Kayle - posted on 04/12/2010




I think way to many people rush into marriage. The whole can't wait to grow up thing. I have been with my fiance for two years. Neither of our parents our together. My dad has actually been divorced twice and going through his 3rd right now. We plan on getting married but we are going to make sure our relationship can make it first. I definetly don't think marriage is something you should rush into. If we never get married I'd be happy to. I don't need a piece of paper that says I love my man. But I believe something very few people believe anymore marriage is forever. Both me and my fiance believe this and if we end up getting married we both agree that no matter what happens we will make it work.

Jocelyn - posted on 04/12/2010




I am impartial to it, get married, don't get married, it doesn't matter to me.
I am married though lol. That would be my hubby's idea, he is much more traditional in that sense than I am. But I'm pretty sure that I would be just as happy not married. I figured since I was already committed to him, why not have a party and make it "official"? It meant more to him to be married than it did to me to me either way. Nothing changed for us (well for me anyways, I'm not sure about him lol) Our
tax bracket stayed the same, our health insurance stayed the same, and I haven't even changed my name legally (It's changed on facebook tho lol) and we'll be married 2 years in Sept. In Canada if you've common law, you basically have to get a "divorce" if you split up anyways. It's not called a divorce obviously lol, but the exact same things apply.
I don't think marriage helps or hinders a family either way. It doesn't affect your ability to parent, or your family dynamics. In my case it didn't make me feel more "complete". All that changed is that I have to check the married box instead of the common law box lol.
To each their own is what it boils down to. I'm certain that living common law just wouldn't have cut it for a few of my friends, but an equal percentage either don't want to get married or just don't care either way.
Oh and my parents have been married for 23 years and they are currently getting a divorce. Jordan's parents were married for 15 years or so, until his father died. His mother hasn't remarried; I don't think she will.

Tah - posted on 04/12/2010




i did the unmarried thing for almost 7 years and much happier now that i am married, i am sure the company has much to do with it, but i do love being married, i do think it is just what you said, showing in everyway that you are committed to the person. we got married at the justice of the peace and didnt tell our parents for at least a month so there goes that gift of us looks at divorce as an option, I have a sister married for 20 years and they have worked every problem they have had out and there were some whoppers..with fries.

My husband and I both come from parents that have been married for 40+ years on each side and grandparents married until death did them part also. I knew i wasnt giving any more than i had to without marriage. i believe in it and i decided i wasnt living with anyone every again giving them the milk for free until I had total committment and he had decided the same thing. To some people it is just a piece of paper, but to me, they are vows of you promising to love and cherish me and only me. You are telling me that we are one and what is yours is mine and vice versa and I love that feeling. Tell your husband can still send us that gift card, it will be are only bath and husband loves that store..

i think being married has its benefits and one of them is the feelong of security and stability. We were both raised with our parents and we know there will be issues but we also know they can be worked out and we will be ok. I always had an uneasy feeling with the unmarried relationship and with good reason. I am happy we made this decision and it works for us.

Johnny - posted on 04/12/2010




My parents are married - 40 years this August

His parents were married - 43 years until his father passed

His sister is married - 28 years

His brother is married - 17 years

We are married - 5 years, 1 daughter

I suppose we come from marrying families. Even in my extended family, divorce is very rare. All three of my mother's brothers are divorced, but they are all messed in the head. Otherwise, no divorce in the rest of my mom's family (her sister married for 40 years as well) and no one in my dad's (and he has a huge family). As far as I am aware, not a single person in my husband's extended family is divorced. When we got married, I was told by his parent's "Saprikens don't divorce."

I am not one of those married people who thinks that marriage is a necessity for a long-term (even lifetime) committed relationship to work. In fact, I think there are plenty of people out there who are happier not being married or who simply just do not find marriage a necessary institution. I feel we should all be entitled to make this choice for ourselves, and that our social institutions should be set up to treat marriage and common-law equally and respectfully.

Marriage has always been important both to Steve and myself. Once we were at the point where we decided to move in together, we both knew that we were going down the road to one day getting married. We actually were not in any hurry at all, but when his father became seriously ill, he felt that he really wanted to have the wedding so that his father could be there to enjoy it. As it was, his father did not make it, but having the wedding was a great thing for his family to help them deal with the loss. And somehow, I honestly can not explain why, being married did deepen our relationship. I think perhaps it is the knowledge that we have made a pact before our friends, family and society that we are a couple and a family. Standing up in front of everyone you know to seal yourself publicly to another person was very profound for me. I am glad that I did it, and it continues to hold meaning in my life.

When we have difficult periods, there is never that thought that "this might be over". For me, there are 2 deal breakers in a marriage, physical violence and infidelity. Everything else can be worked through. It means that there is no way out, you can not be lazy, you need to dedicate yourself to the relationship completely. I do not think that marriage is necessary to feel this way. I am sure that many unmarried people feel this way about their relationships. But for me, being married brought this sense of stability that I would not have otherwise. And I know that Steve feels the same.

If we had not gotten married? Well, it's hard to know. I am not sure if we would have held on to things with the same level of commitment. It is entirely possible, but I truly am not certain.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms