marriage *edited

Charlie - posted on 10/31/2009 ( 11 moms have responded )

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why is it i always read over and over posts similar to this " my husband and i had been together for 10 months when we decided to get married two months later we had a child , people shouldn't be having sex or children before marriage " .



This annoys me so much , i for one love the idea of marriage BUT my fiance and i are in no hurry ( and now there is another baby on the way i guess we have to wait longer no Biggie )



I also think it's fantastic for those who do wait to have sex with their husbands but not everyone believes in the institute of marriage some couples are happy to spend their whole lives together without that piece of paper and little ring .



What makes a married couple who have been together for less than a year and have a child supposedly better parents than unmarried couples who have been together for five years and decide to have a child .



Why should certain peoples set of rules *marriage* dictate EVERYONE'S lives and how they should live them .



What exactly are the reasons for waiting till marriage if SO many people these days just jump in and out marriage like a skipping rope AND enter into marriage so early into a relationship .



To me marriage wont be a religious ceremony it will be what i call a "union of souls"

( yeah , yeah i hear you "what a hippy LOL)



my partner and i have been together for 5 years , we have been through the best of times and the worst of times and we are stronger than ever and i cannot think of anything more beautiful than the day we celebrate our love together with our children by our side sharing one of most memorable days of our lives , to me , going through so much together and coming out stronger is huge indicator that celebrating with marriage is the right thing to do FOR US , not marry first ask questions later .



What are your opinions ?

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Sharon - posted on 11/02/2009

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I typed up a lot of personal information about our lives and decided to delete it. I'm ok with sharing it with the women here, but its the lookee lous I don't want twisting it up.



Suffice it to say - You cannot know in a month or two if you are "destined" to be together. Maybe you feel it, but you won't really know until time has gone by. You've discussed spending habits, discipline of children, housing of pets even.



My husband and I went through all of that before comitting to a relationship.



Even then a lot of things turned out WAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY fucking differently than either of us expected.



We both believed in the same forms of discipline, we did NOT agree on what deserved what kind of punishment! HE didn't count on hormones affecting either of us.



Its crazy.



We have battered our way through the crap of the years and 15 years later FINALLY have this stuff sorted out. We have indoor cats & dogs, we both clean up, kids know what to expect from both of us, its been a long ass 15 friggen years.



I HATE to see younger people declare permanent undying love sparked by a pregnancy. kids & babies make things sooooo much more difficult. Bad finances make it harder yet. A sick child born to soon... just makes me want to cry.



Everyone expects an instant fix to everything. Your child doesn't listen to you - declare add/adhd and get him a pill. Your kid has a fever get another pill.



Everyone hates taking the blame on themselves for things gone wrong. Sometimes there is no one or nothing to blame. But people want to blame someone. I kind of understand that. If you have something to blame then you have a reason, some understanding.



Sometimes there is no reason. Sometimes you're just a bad parent. If you can't admit those things, you can't learn.



We didn't stay together because of the kids. We didn't stay together because of finances. I'm better off than he is. Through every fight, every argument, every disaster we agreed - we loved each other, there was an end even if it wasn't in sight, and some how we would find our way through this. deadly pneumonia for our 6month old baby, a potential lethal birth defect for our third baby, loss of jobs, house in foreclosure, you name it - we've been there. Its been terrifying. When the good times come along we recognise it and revel in it.

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Lindsay - posted on 11/02/2009

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Honestly, Josh and I were discussing marriage before Madeline was ever in the picture. We were happily suprised with her and decided to hold off on marriage. It's not that it's not important to us, but we honestly didn't want people running around saying that it was a shotgun wedding because I was pregnant. Then came Cooper. We are happily living as a family without the paper and rings. Since having our children, it's become not as big of a deal to us. Our focus is our family and not slurging on a big wedding to tell us we are a family because we already are. People that we come into contact with us refer to me as Josh's wife or him as Lindsay's husband and we've just quit correcting them. To someone looking at us, they don't know if we are married or not. They see a family and that all that matters to me. We may get married someday but honestly, I don't need a piece of paper to tell me who my family is.

[deleted account]

I tend to agree with you ladies. Marriage is not about a ceremony or a piece of paper-real marriage is about the commitment you make to one another and the way you live your lives. IMO, couples like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell are just as married as those of us who had a ceremony and wear rings, because they have committed their lives to one another. I believe that the marriage ceremony is more about legality and/or spirituality than anything else.

Jocelyn - posted on 11/01/2009

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People can be so ignorant... IMO un-married couples are just as prepared (or just as unprepared lol), just as financially ready, just as emotionally ready as a married couple. Marriage is just a piece of paper telling the gov't that they are committed to one another; it's nice, but unnecessary. That piece of paper does not give you permission to have kids. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against marriage. I'm married, but I don't think it would have made a lick of difference if we decided to stay common-law. And besides, I would much rather see a happy unmarried couple raising happy children than a miserable married couple raising miserable children.

Charlie - posted on 11/01/2009

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* title edited as i didnt want the debate to be about sex so much as i think we have covered it , i just get so annoyed at people who think ONLY married couples should be having children i find it incredibly narrow minded .

Although i agree with everyone who has posted on here !

Sara - posted on 11/01/2009

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I've said it before and I'll say it again...I totally believe you have to test drive a car before you buy it. Your wedding night would be a really bad time to find out that your new husband can only be turned on if you're wearing a grass skirt and squatting on a coffee table.



That being said, I don't think there's anything wrong with waiting. If I had known that my husband was going to come along, I would have liked to think I would wait...but then again, I had some pretty fabulous sexual partners that I'm glad I got to experience before I made a life-long committment to one person, but that's just me.



I agree with what some others have said, I think that some people that wait get married too early and for the wrong reasons, and that may not be the recipe for a successful relationship in the long run. That's what I think when I hear about people like that.



I do agree that you do not have to be married in order to be happy or to have a successful, life-long committment. Look at Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell! Or Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins...it can work and you can be happy. A marriage certificate is never going to guarantee that a person will never leave you or cheat on you or fall out of love with you...and let's face it, if you live together, own things together, have children together, that is what really bonds you to someone else, not a piece of paper.

Ez - posted on 10/31/2009

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I don't understand this concept either, because the importance a person places on marriage, and whether they view it as a religious ceremony or a 'union of souls' (like Loureen) is completely individual.

This obsession with pushing kids to wait til marriage, which then often leads to them marrying the first person they realise they want to have sex with, is out of control. I know a girl who did this... married straight out of highschool because they were both saving themselves. Guess what happened??? She got bored and curious and went and had an affair!! They didn't even make it a year.

Now I'm in no way suggesting that teenagers and young people should be shagging all over the place, but I don't think pressuring them about 'no sex before marriage' is necessarily a good thing either. Just because a person didn't save themselves for marriage doesn't mean they were promiscuous either. Why not teach kids to be confident, self-assured, and SAFE instead. Hopefully then they can make smart choices, but get to experience their life too.

Obviously I didn't wait (since I have a child and have not been married lol), and it quite honestly never occurred to me that I should (my family is full of very lapsed-Catholics!!) I have no regrets. I've had some great relationships, some bad ones too, and a lot of fun. I can't imagine not having had those experiences, and the fact that I have in no way diminishes any future relationships I may have.

Dana - posted on 10/31/2009

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My husband and I had been together for 10 yrs before getting married. You wouldn't believe how many in my family thought we were out of line, some wouldn't mention it, some acted as if we were already married even though they knew we weren't and some we're shocked when we got engaged because they figured we HAD to already be married. We got engaged when we had been together for 9 yrs and alot of people couldn't understand why I wanted to wait a year and a half to plan the wedding (more like save money, lol). Everyone thought I should be beatin the church doors down. After the wedding was over we decided to have kids and 3 months later I was pregnant. I couldn't imagine it any other way. It was the perfect way for us. It's not for everyone but I KNOW we are good together, I know we can weather alot of issues and I know we will be better parents then we would or could have been years ago. To each his own but, I'm secure in my own.

Isobel - posted on 10/31/2009

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Whenever I see young couples "saving it for marriage" and getting married so young...I think...well, they're getting married cause they can't keep it in their pants for one second longer. Then I start wondering, is that really a reason to get married? I always just think...once the honeymoon is over and all the sex has calmed down, do they then look around with clearer eyes and think "what the hell have we gotten ourselves into now?"

I think a test drive is absolutely essential before marriage...my partner is glad that I know what I'm doin HAHAHAHA ;P

Kylie - posted on 10/31/2009

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I have a school friend who married her first serious boyfriend after 2 months together. they are both very religious and believed in waiting until they were married before having sex...so they didn't have to wait long. They had their first child before the first wedding anniversary too. I hope it works out for them but i have my doubts. I don't think a lifelong commitment is something that should be rushed into..people don't really show their real self (the leave the jocks on the floor, farting in bed, elbows on the table side) until a few years into a relationship. Plus i think couples should get that one on one time together before they bring children into the relationship.

My husband and i were togther over 4 years and i feel like we were rushed into marragie. I fell pregnant and everyone just assumed we would be married straight away. My family pretty much organised it all and i just bought the dress and showed up. I feel a bit sad i didn't take more control and i wasn't really happy on my wedding day because i felt we were doing ffor eveyone else plus i was 6 months pregnant and could even have the champane for the toasts.

anyway maybe we will re-do our vowels and have a wedding day the way i always dreamed for our 10 year anniversary....

I think you should try before you buy...imagine marrying a guy and you find out he has a tiny one and doesn't know what to do with it or that he has a fetish for girls in diapers and your stuck with him for the rest of your life!. That's sad.

Charlie - posted on 10/31/2009

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I just wanted to add one of my friends parents have been together for 30 years unmarried her dad always wanted to marry her mum but her mum didn't believe in marriage she has always said when we turn 50 and we are still together i will marry you .



Well last year they turned 50 still the happiest , cutest couple and best parents i know and guess what , he asked her again and they are getting married , you see to her its a celebration of their long lasting love and i just think that is so beautiful .

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