Mom-to-be having issues with new relationship and step child... needs help!

Julie - posted on 09/07/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I am in my late 30's and recently found out I am pregnant with my first child. My partner and I have been together for 6 months and I am questioning whether we should stay together or co parent. I own my house and have been living alone for 8 years, but since finding out about our pregnancy my partner and I have planned for him to move in.

He has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship. I am concerned about a few issues that relate to living all together, (he has custody every other weekend) like his desire to have us co-sleep with her, (even tho I am uncomfortable with it). He reacts very defensively when we discuss my cohabitation concerns that include his daughter. He has infromed me his past relationship was abusive and controlling, and that he will not have that happen again, however I feel he is spinning it the other direction and becoming controlling in our relationship as a result.

Our communication has seemed to break down lately. Last night I was sharing my concerns about his daughter co-sleeping with her mother and her mother's new boyfriend every night and how that might affect us when trying to get her to sleep on her own. His cell phone rang in the middle of our conversation and he anwered it. I waited several minutes before becoming angry and leaving the house, advising I would be back in a half hour. Upon my return, he had packed his things and made arrangements to leave. I asked him several times to stay and talk it out but he refused and left. His reasoning for answering the phone, (in the middle of what I felt was an important conversation) was because the issues I had brought up to discuss were out of his control and not what I had previously mentioned to him as a reason to not co-sleep.

I am having second thoughts about accepting him and his daughter into my home and continuing the relationship in general. I can't imagine his attitude toward my feelings about our new family will get better once our baby is born. Am I overreacting to this, or it is a sign of what I can expect to see down the road?

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User - posted on 09/09/2012

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@amy De : My husband and i got married after 1 month of meeting each other and then moved in together, we now have a 3year old son and we are all very happy. My parents got married after 11 hours of meeting each other and have been together for 40years happily married.



however i agree with you on the fact that being pregnant shouldn't be the cause of you moving together and im going to say yes its a taster of what to expect

Mary - posted on 09/09/2012

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I think Amy is right. I'd hold off on moving in together, and I most certainly would not do it just because you are pregnant. Think about it this way...if you hadn't gotten pregnant, would you have been considering this move? If this answer is no, than it would probably be wisest to hold off that for now.



Even without a baby, living with someone, particularly when you are an adult who has been living on your own for years, is a huge challenge and adjustment. Throw in an new baby and a four y/o child from a prior relationship, and it becomes a gazillion times harder and more complicated.



However, if you do decide to live together, you are going to have to bend a bit when it comes to the established patterns and routines of his child. If co-sleeping isn't your thing, that's fine, but if it is what this girl is already accustomed to, I think Amy's suggestion of having him sleep with her on those weekends when he has her is really the only solution. She's four, and a child....it would be unreasonable of you to think that this "norm" for her should change just because it's something that you are uncomfortable with. I'm not saying that your feelings on this are invalid. Quite frankly, it would probably be uncomfortable for ALL of you, since your relationship with her father is still so new; I would go so far as to venture that you and this child are practically strangers. My daughter is just shy of 4, and if my husband and I split up, and she was spending every other weekend with him and new partner, I highly doubt that she would be okay with sleeping in a bed with both of them, although I suspect that she would need her daddy to sleep with her in this foreign new place until she got more comfortable and acclimated.



If you are seriously committed to the idea of forging a lasting relationship with this man, you are going to have to tread very carefully around issues concerning his child, and you are going to have to gradually develop a step-parent relationship with her. You will also have to let go of the idea that it is "my" home, and learn to accept that it becomes "ours" once he moves in. You are also going to have to accepting and welcoming to his daughter, and willing to bend a bit to meet her needs.

Amy - posted on 09/07/2012

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Well I have no problem cosleeping, so I'm going to offer you an alternative suggestion of either doing it or not doing it. Could he possibly cosleep with his daughter in her own room in your house? That would mean on the weekends she comes to visit you would have the bed to yourself.



However I would not be moving in with someone who I've only been with 6 months just because I was pregnant, especially since it sounds like you are having communication issues so early in the relationshipm

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Jurnee - posted on 09/09/2012

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I would definitely hold off on the living together. Its not so much the issue of cosleeping, but communication in general. Its hard to adjust to living with someone when youve been single for so long. I live alone, well with my kids also, for 15 yrs. My bf moved in last november,and its been difficult adjustment at times for me and my 10 yr old ds. My other kids are grown now But we do communicate well, and are mostly on the same page when it comes to parenting and discipline, and its stillnot eay all the time. And new babies definitley can add stress. I would hold off on the moving in, and work on better communication, and a clear picture of how you both want to parent, to his daugher and your new one. Maybe even couples counseling, it couldnt hurt. good luck and congrats on your little one on the way.

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