Moral question

Sal - posted on 10/11/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Ok I'm faced with a big moral question at the moment.... (A bit of backstory needed so here goes)



My brother as a younger teen (12-13 I think) sexually interfered with my sister the extend is questionable as it had not been known until some 20 years later and stories don't match but it is a true event in any case as he did confess to it being true ,his version any way....



My issue is that this all came to a head a few years ago and now that it is out my sis wants nothing to do with him, ( understandably) but is ok with others having a relationship with him,

I am not a big fan of his ( even before this came out) but as he has custody of his daughter ( sadly her mum is NOT the better option she is living with an extremely violent drug addict) so my husband ( who is a cop ) have decided to keep him close so we can make sure my niece is safe..... Now the prob is he is getting married, I was under the understanding his fiancé knew about why he and my sis don't talk ( the story I was conveyed was that she knows he is sorry that it was wrong he has been I. Treatment and she can see the man he is not the boy he was !!! I thought it was very understanding of her but if she was ok with it why interfere ( and she is there yo be a good parent to my niece and she is that) After talking to her last night I'm not sure she does know, her actual words were " I don't know why your sister and brother don't get on?' I just quickly said its between them and I'm keeping out.... What should I do? Tell her why (I'd like to know before I married) or leave it alone why ruin a good thing for my niece??

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Jenny - posted on 10/17/2012

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If she brings it up in conversation again, you should tell her "speak to my brother about it, there's good reason why there is a rift between them, and its his place to tell you why, not mine."

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Sal - posted on 10/19/2012

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I have decided to check the facts with my dad (who relayed the fact she was ok with it) and make sure the story was actually from her mouth and not my brother saying it, I had always assumed it came directly from her but I guess I never really asked. If it were a conversation between her and my dad then I guess I may of misconstrued the statement she made. It might of meant she doesn't know why now she isn't talking when they have been previously, and in her bridzilla mode it is all about her why should a little oops reck her wedding...( which is what im hoping for ) if it were my brother telling of her understanding then I will ask dad to talk to him as that would be who he is most likely to listen too without offence and the one who was really lied too... Thanks for your input it is not a fun position to be in

Tracey - posted on 10/15/2012

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If you tell her then you will get the blame whatever happens. The fiance knows there is an issue, so she should speak to your brother and get the facts. Can you speak to your brother in private and urge him to have the conversation.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 10/12/2012

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I don't know WHO should be the one to tell her, but I firmly believe she should be told. Especially because she is marrying him, may have more kids with them, and is taking care of his daughter and becoming her step mom. She needs to know what signs to be looking for concerning sexual abuse of his own daughter. Some people don't know them when they see them. I think your brother is a turd for not telling her the truth. Way to man up and own your mistakes. He is marrying her under false pretenses. If I married my husband not knowing his past (pretending his past was sexual abuse) I would be really scared and upset to find out while i was married to him.



One way or another, she needs the facts before marrying him.

Momma - posted on 10/12/2012

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I also think it should come from your brother. Also, this occurred over 20 years ago. He was YOUNG. It is very possible it was a terrible mistake. Sometimes people deserve a second chance and not to have it held over their head for life. Has there ever been any indication that he has problems with sexual abuse of others, other than 20+ years ago? I understand the hesitance but shit, I don't think it should ruin his life forever, if he has never had an issue of it since.



I am usually one that believes this type of mental problem cannot be resolved, even with therapy but without knowing the extent of it, it is hard to say. If he has not had issues since, then it sounds to me it was a terrible mistake and he wouldn't do it again...I don't think it is anyone's business to tell the fiance but him.



~Meme

Dove - posted on 10/12/2012

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Your brother needs to tell her. Give him a certain time frame to do so and if he doesn't... I'd tell her. If she doesn't stay with him it will be hard on your niece (and really suck for the child's sake), but if she finds out later and leaves him THEN.... it will be even harder on the child.



I definitely agree with your husband about you guys staying involved for the niece's sake. That would have me very nervous regardless of if he's changed or not.

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i thought you were going to say something along the lines of taking the niece into your own custody, in which case i'd say right on, go for it if you can. but with this, i'm not sure. if your brother is truly "not the boy he was" then he ought to tell his fiance himself. besides, if she finds out later then it's going to be even harder on your niece if she's gotten attached to the fiance and then they get a divorce because the then-stepmom isn't okay with learning the truth. so i think the truth should be completely out in the open before they get married. i don't know how you or anyone might go about doing that, but i agree with Jodi, if you can you should talk to your brother about it and try to get him to understand.

Jodi - posted on 10/12/2012

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Personally, I think this should be something that comes from your brother. If I were you, I would talk to your brother and suggest that he should talk to his fiance about it before she find out from other sources (i.e. maybe your sister would end up telling her). If he understands it is best for him to talk to her about it now, than for her to find out later, then it isn't your problem.

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