my husband wants me to quit work

Clairepeaceful - posted on 08/25/2013 ( 16 moms have responded )

26

0

1

I am 43 and I have seven year old twins. They are a handful. My son has ADHD and autism, the care he needs is very intense! My daughter doesn't behave very well either. We have just paid off our mortgage so I could quit work and financially we would be fine. I enjoy my job and I can't be around my children with no break because they are so hard to look after! When I tell my husband this he tells me I don't love my children. I don't know if quitting work would be beneficial to my kids. Would you quit work to take care of your kids? Also, is it better for children to go to after school clubs and childminders or be home with their mum/dad?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I personally would not and I don't think your husband should be trying to guilt you into doing what he wants. My son doesn't have a special need and if I had to stay home with him all day every day I would go crazy. Staying home with kids is not for everyone. As to if childminders and afterschool clubs are better/worse than parents, I think they both have pros and cons but I think if the program or caregiver is a quality one then it can be very beneficial to the child. Maybe you could compromise by working part-time.

[deleted account]

I don't think we are arguing about weather sahm's are lazy or not, we are debating (and this is a debate forum) about weather you have what it takes to be a quality sahm, and I don't think you do.

I am sure you've never told your children that sahm's are lazy, however, when they formed that opinion, I highly doubt you corrected them. When they said, "Well, you do all of that and work" did you reply by telling them about all of the things sahm's do that you do NOT do? Or did you just run with it and drop the topic. If, as you said in a previous post, they will think you are lazy if you stay home, and they say their friends' moms are lazy, you have not done a very good job of correcting their assumptions that sahms are lazy, and by not correcting them, you have validated those ideas.

You also mentioned that looking after your children full time is too difficult for you to manage....and you won't even have them during school hours. You probably do not have the skills necessary to be a good sahm. Not all women have the stamina, organizational skills, and self discipline to be a qulaity sahm; some women need a boss to keep them on track and a career to have an identity, and that is fine. For those women, working while their children are cared for in after school programs is better for the family dynamic, not to mention the benefit of being with people who can handle being around them for extended amounts of time. Just tell your husband that. You do love your kids, you just know that you are not the person who should be looking after them for more than a few hours at a time.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 09/03/2013

13,264

21

2015

You don't think sahm have a bad work ethic, but your children would think you were lazy?????

That means that you've voiced your true opinions about sahm, that you do think they're too lazy to "work" and your kids heard that opinion, and ran with it.

Were I you, I'd keep my kids at the childminders. You don't seem to understand the work that goes into being a sahm. Having been on both sides of the coin, (worked, stayed home, and now working with dad home), I have to say that if you think your children would be "too hard to look after", you don't have the stones to be a sahm.

Kids aren't easy to look after. That's part of being a parent. And you don't "do that and work" because if you did spend the quality time with your kids, and taught them that not only is it important to be independent and self sufficient, but also important to get in time for family, some volunteering or community service activities, and contribute to your neighborhood in a positive manner, then they wouldn't be thinking that sahms are "lazy".

Clairepeaceful - posted on 09/03/2013

26

0

1

Okay, I do take my children to school, clean the house, do the laundry, help them with their homework and cook dinner for my family. I could go on.

where we live there are hardly any working women and especially not working in the city like I do. I want my daughter to understand that women do go out to work and can have important jobs. It's just important to me that she grows up to be a strong independent woman. That doesn't make me a bad mother!

I don't think sahm have a bad work ethic but my children would think I am lazy for staying at home. They say it about their friends' mums . When I tell them what sahm do they say "you do that and work". So yes I do have a positive impact on my children by working and being their mum.

[deleted account]

Being a sahm does NOT portray a poor work ethic! Well, unless of course you use your time at home to sit on your bum and watch TV, in which case, yes, your children would be better off with you working in an office while others tend to them for most of the day.

I'm sorry, but I'm sick of this idea that being a sahm does not instill a good work ethic to our children. As a sahm, I work my ass off. I volunteer at school at LEAST 10 hours a week, sometimes more, and in my community no less than 15 hours a week. I keep my home clean and uncluttered so that my family can live comfortably. I manage our finances--everything from grocery money to stock investments, IRAs and college funds. I keep my pantry stocked and make sure my husband and son have NUTRITIOUS meals 3 times a day--and I do NOT mean that pre packaged crap or a carb laden sandwich for lunch. I drive my son to school, taekwondo, baseball, gymnastics, guitar lessons, and playdates daily. I help him with his homework daily, and make sure he studies on his own and is prepared for the next day at school. I handle other crises that pop up unexpectedly. And I could go on and on and on, but I won't bore you with the details.

I don't think this portrays a poor work ethic. I think it shows my child that I will work hard whether I have a boss or client looking over me, or not. That I work hard for my own satisfaction; to improve my community and help others, not just to please others, or just to get paid. I think that portrays a much stronger work ethic than "Do what the boss says to do so you get a paycheck."

16 Comments

View replies by

Fabiola - posted on 07/09/2014

1

0

0

In life were entrusted to our legacy what legacy you want to leave for your children . Only when I your heart and soul you desire to make a difference In the life of those children than stay. Who wants to be near whose going to have apache face and sour words and dissolution of being in a position they don't desire deeply. Children grow quickly and preteens need strong parents and for sure a close strong loving caregiver positive and supportive as we'll if you could give all that those children will double benefit

Kelly - posted on 06/21/2014

3

0

0

Being a stay at home mom is hard and yes I do go crazy sometimes but if your able financially to go part time do it ! If your kids are strong will now at 7 then at 14-17 you will need to be a super attentive parents who know everything about them

Nelida - posted on 09/30/2013

175

0

23

What dose this have to do with your husband wanting you to quit work ? No honey this is your decision not his . As for him that's verry rude and immature for the comment saying you don't love your children . And also I think it's a good idea if your children join after school programs it will do them will (: plus it gives you time to work (: don't let your husband till you wats best only you know wat is and wats not (: his your husband not your boss

Debbie - posted on 09/20/2013

8

0

2

I stayed home and raised my kids and at the time my husband like that and want me to be there for the kids when they come home from school.Which I think is a good idea.
But now he is bitter that I don't have a paying job. I do take care of my grandson who is 13 and now has TBI and my granddaughter who is 6. I want to be here for them to help them have a better life. They live next door. So if you have a good job, I would keep it and if you can come home early when they get out of school that would be the best of both worlds. When children have a problem life is difficult, try different activities they enjoy or do something with them like games, riding bikes going to a play ground.I think your son my respond better once he knows he will be doing something with you.

Deborah Ridgely - posted on 09/19/2013

59

0

7

I thin you do npt realize how absolutely fortunate you are to have a hisband who is willing and able to let you quit trying to juggle it all and come home and be a real mom to your dear children. Consider how much those children need a mom to give them time and show them love in action.
I know from experience how when you work full time or even part time outside the home, you are stretched to your limits to meet all the demands at home. Honestly, whenever I worked outsixe the home I definitely felt that I was taking the easy way. If the harder job is staying at home, wouldn't that make it the more challenging and worthwhile job? I say this as a homeschooler, and I am not saying you have to jomeschool, but just being there for your children before and after school and taking care of their laundry, shopping, real healthy meals, and taking the exrra time for them -- all of it has ETERNAL rewards!
If you don't take this opportunity to stay home while the door is wide open for you, I think that later on down the road you will regret that you didn't take the time and expend the energy to raise your children. Nobody says on their deathbed, " I wish I would have spent more time on my career", but you sure find a lot of people who say,"I wish I would have spent more time with my family."

Clairepeaceful - posted on 09/03/2013

26

0

1

I have NEVER said sahm are lazy! Especially not in front of my kids. If you read what I wrote, "I tell them what sahm do." So I explain to them that sahm do work in the home etc. My kids are very observant and they will form their own opinions from what I tell them.

I wanted some advice on giving up work, because my husband wants me to.
I don't want to argue about sahm being lazy. Because we are saying the same thing that they aren't lazy.

[deleted account]

"my children would think I am lazy for staying at home. They say it about their friends' mums"

That is because YOU are teaching them that sahm's are lazy. Even though I am a sahm, my son knows that women do have careers, some choose to work outside the home, some choose to work inside the home, and NEITHER choice is "lazy". If anything, he MIGHT see the working moms in my area as "lazy" because most of them do have live in nannies and housekeepers (we did too when I worked), but I am always diligent in telling him that they are NOT lazy, they work full time and enlist the outside help in order to maintain the same amount of quality time with their children that we enjoy. I also make sure to point out to him the important roles ALL of us play in our community--from the female surgeon & mom of 3 who lives across the street, to the other sahm's organizing the mentor programs at his school. I point out that if all women stayed home, we wouldn't have enough people to fill all of the important professional roles, but if all women worked, we wouldn't have enough people to fill all of the important volunteer roles that make our community so great to live in. In fact, that is why a lot of communities in the US are failing. If you cannot teach your children these concepts, you are probably better off working full time and allowing the people who can to play a bigger part in their lives.

Yes, you can work a full time job and still have time to do your basic chores, but the point is that if you are a sahm, you can get all of that stuff done and still have a few hours each day for quality time with your family. You didn't mention your volunteer work, or your children's extra curricular activities. You didn't mention planning or spending quality time with your children. Spending time playing with your kids, or just sitting down and chatting with them over a fruit tray might seem lazy to you, but it builds bonds and connections with them that will be very important as they grow older.

Clairepeaceful - posted on 09/02/2013

26

0

1

Since we had children my husband has always wanted me to stay home but it wasn't financially possible then. Now it is.

Also, you may have seen my post about my son and daughter. Their behaviour is causing friction between me and my husband and between my children and my husband. Me giving up work may help to reduce the friction. I think my husband staying home would increase it. As he has little patience with my daughter.

Basically, my husband thinks it will be best for our children and our marriage. He earns much more money than me and he has a really good job. He also looks down on my job and thinks I may as well stop working. Event though, I am an office manager.

Also, I think he just likes the idea of providing for our family on his own. He is very caring and sometimes it does come across as controlling. I am not worried about him becoming stressed or abusive because he enjoys his job and he is very good natured. I would have no money to put away but my husband and I would keep our joint bank account.

I was unsure about leaving work because I enjoy working. I grew up seeing my mum and dad work hard. This gave me a strong work ethic. I wouldn't want my daughter to see me staying home and adopt a poor work ethic. Plus, I wasn't convinced that it would be beneficial for my children to be home with me.

[deleted account]

Ummm - does your husband explain why he thinks YOU should be the one to give up your job and stay at home with the kids?

Why doesn't he do it?

Or could you both work part time?

Candice - posted on 08/26/2013

18

9

0

In addition to all of that, I would also advise you not to depend entirely on your husband for your financial security. Many women find themselves in relationships where hubby makes enough to support them so they just stop work without any back up plan, then hubby gets a girlfriend, or gets too stressed being the sole breadwinner and becomes abusive or overly controlling, but they can't leave because they have no money and no way to earn money. Perhaps you know already, but I tell all women who are planning to stop working and allow their husband to support them to put aside a few thousand dollars in an account that ONLY she has access too. Not much--$8-$10k is enough--just enough to put down deposits on an apartment, buy some basic furniture, and pay the utilities until she can get a job. Also, have a vehicle in your name.


^ This soooo much! Whatever you decide be sure you have the back up! I didn't and now I am twenty nine living with two kids at my mothers house struggling to get back into the work force so I can support myself and my kids without welfare! Please think long and hard and make sure you take the advice of Kelly and always have the back up. Your's husbands atittude alone towards you refusing to just give up your job is rather alarming, his immediate response is you don't love your kids? Emotional Blackmail much? After School Clubs are a great activity and will give you an additional hour or two a week without one or both kids under your feet. Find a nice cheaply ran one.

[deleted account]

I did quit work to be at home with my child. He's intense and we decided it was best for our family if I were at home full time.

That said, I am NOT with my son with no break. Any woman would would go crazy in that situation. Your kids are 7, so they'll be at school 6 hours each day. Use that time to make sure your house is clean, your errands are run, and that you've taken at least an hour or so per day for yourself. Once your kids are home from school, you are free to tend to them without the stress of getting everything done while trying to care for them.

As to whether it is better for children to go to after school clubs, childminders, or be home with a parent, it depends on the after school club, the children, and the parents. Most experts agree that an after school club or parent IS a better option that a childminder for almost all children. Most experts also agree that since school aged children are getting the academic and social stimuli they need from school, they do not require an after school program anymore, thus going home is more helpful. That said, there is a balance. Many experts are saying that children no longer have the time for "free play" they need to relieve stress, build creative and problem solving skills, or be physically active. After school clubs may be helpful for students who's parents are not involved at home, but they cut into the free time that children need, which is leading to a lot of behavioral problems. There are tons of trials where over scheduled children who were having behavioral problems improved significantly once one or two after school activities were eliminated.


In addition to all of that, I would also advise you not to depend entirely on your husband for your financial security. Many women find themselves in relationships where hubby makes enough to support them so they just stop work without any back up plan, then hubby gets a girlfriend, or gets too stressed being the sole breadwinner and becomes abusive or overly controlling, but they can't leave because they have no money and no way to earn money. Perhaps you know already, but I tell all women who are planning to stop working and allow their husband to support them to put aside a few thousand dollars in an account that ONLY she has access too. Not much--$8-$10k is enough--just enough to put down deposits on an apartment, buy some basic furniture, and pay the utilities until she can get a job. Also, have a vehicle in your name.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms