Need advice again.

Tara - posted on 02/17/2011 ( 15 moms have responded )

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Okay long story short.
My almost 11 year old daughter has a friend who is also homeschooled, this mom lives in our town and has 4 other kids and is expecting her 6th. She's nice enough, but we don't have a lot in common and only socialize at functions like swimming, playgroup etc.
Her daughter has been here in the past for sleepover parties without a problem. Recently she made a comment to me about my 14 year old having a lot of friends here on weekends. He has maybe 2 friends over once in a while on weekends. They play guitar and watch youtube concerts etc. Now her daughter was invited to a party here next weekend, and also for Alyssa birthday in a few weeks for a sleepover. Her mom has told her NO. and not to ask again. She then told her daughter she does not have to give her a reason for saying no now after allowing it before.
I'm not sure what to think or what to do. I told my Alyssa it's unfortunate but I can't change her friends' mom's mind about something. It's their family and their rules.
But I have to see this woman every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. How do I handle this?
Oh the party next weekend is for the girls from their skate club, about 4 of them are invited, they're all going to the library the next day for a Henna tattoo workshop and lunch after.
Any ideas??

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I would just ask her if her daughter is still coming to my daughters party/ sleepover, and if/ when she says no I would just politely ask if there was any particular reason because your daughter was really looking forward to her friend being there. It may be that the girl is being diciplined for breaking her moms rules (over something not connected to you) and she was told in the spur of the moment she can't go to the sleepover (and now her mom feels she has to stick to it) or it could be something completely different - but if you don't ask you'll never know. Just don't confront, ask in a conversational way. Good luck.

Jenn - posted on 02/17/2011

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I would act like I hadn't heard anything from the kid - who knows if the kid got the story straight anyway - and ask her next time you see her if she's bringing her daughter over to the party.

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Brandi - posted on 02/18/2011

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She is probably afraid that her daughter will "like" your son, or his friends. She may feel like you aren't keeping a close eye on them and maybe she feels like she can't trust her daughter around boys. Just a thought.

Jenni - posted on 02/18/2011

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I wouldn't take it too personal. As you said yourself you don't have much in common with her so I'm assuming you have very different views on things. I'm thinking she worried about boys being at the sleepover. Or maybe she just doesn't allow her daughter to have sleepovers? At any rate it sounds like she's just the overprotective type so I wouldn't take it personal or a slight on your parenting.
You're not close to her anyways, so if it were me I'd just go about my business as usual. It'd be a different story if she was slagging me off behind my back to other parents at those functions.

Stifler's - posted on 02/18/2011

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If I had 4 kids and I was pregnant I'd be like.. "you can go... here's some money... bye now...". I'd just pretend I didn't know too and ask if she was coming and why not.

Bondlets - posted on 02/17/2011

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I would not mind if another mom asked me if it was OK for her to ask if something happened that would cause me to suddenly not allow sleepovers. lol, did that make sense? Basically if someone just bluntly asks/demands a reason I might not be so willing to share but if someone asked if it is OK to ask, I would share. But that's just me. I would hope, then, that when I gave my reason that the other mom would respect my decision even if she didn't agree with me - no trying to persuade or convince me, in other words. I'm a homeschooling mom of teens who doesn't allow sleepovers and I don't have an issue with telling why as long as I am approached respectfully (in which case I will respond in turn).

I wouldn't be surprised if the 14-year old boys being there is the issue. Getting into the preteen/teen years is tricky and sleepovers may not be what the mom wants to have going on.

[deleted account]

My first thought...

Perhaps the mom is a "family time and loyalty comes first" type person. I have two friends (siblings) whose parents...dad really...was super strict about spending time with friends vs. family. It even caused problems when the older brother started seriously dating his future wife. The dad couldn't wrap his mind around his son spending a holiday with someone else...even though his son was an adult at this point. This dad is much calmer now with his younger children (5 children in all, very much spaced out ages).

~♥Little Miss - posted on 02/17/2011

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I am a pretty confrontational person (I know BIG shock) I would have no problem asking her directly if her daughter is coming to the party...and why not. Either that, or just ignore her. I have a big mouth, so I know I would need to say something.

Bonnie - posted on 02/17/2011

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If I were in your shoes it would bother me not knowing why she won't let her daughter sleep over, but at the same time, I would probably just leave it alone.

Is your son having his friends over while the sleepover is going on? Maybe she is uncomfortable with that and doesn't trust it.

Becky - posted on 02/17/2011

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Is there any possibility something happened with one of your son's friends, or this mom knows something about one of them that you don't?
Is she not allowed to attend the birthday party too, or just the skating party? Maybe mom just wants to limit the number of sleepovers and since it's 2 in a short period of time, decided to decline 1?
I'm not sure what I'd do. It's hard not to take it personally! I'd be tempted to ask her why, non-confrontantionally of course, but if you're not really friends, I don't know if I'd actually have the guts.

Rosie - posted on 02/17/2011

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maybe it's because she just doesn't feel like dealing with the whole sleepover thing. i know there's been many occasions where i have told my oldest no, just because i didnt' feel like dealing with picking him up, dropping him off, and such because he really didn't do anything extra to really make me put in the effort. it was all about me being lazy. maybe that's the reason?

Tara - posted on 02/17/2011

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Oh and, she also has teens but they are not allowed to go to hang out with any of the friends my son has here in town. She thinks they're all bad. Honestly they are all good kids.
I know she has every right to decide why to allow or not allow a sleepover for her child... but is it right to base that decision on my son having some friends here once in a while. (if that is indeed why she is saying no).
I have asked her mom about the party for the skating girls awhile ago she said yes to me but then her daughter called later and said "my mom says I can't come now."
So I really don't know what to think.

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