No one gets it...

[deleted account] ( 58 moms have responded )

Question: Say you had a friend who asked you point blank, "Is it ok if I get ______ for your son / daughter for Christmas?" It's a toy that you really don't want your child to have yet so you politely say, "No, I'd rather him / her not have that just yet." You then give a whole list of other things that your child likes and would enjoy, just as suggestions to give your friend a direction to shop in. So Christmas day rolls around and your friend shows up with the exact toy you had said no to. Would you be angry?

So here's what happened. Steve's best friend Ray wanted to get Jacob (3 years old) a power wheels 4 wheeler. He asked me about it and after some thought, I decided I didn't think he needed one right now. For one thing, I want Jacob to play like I did when I was little. I want him to ride a bike before he learns to just push a pedal. I don't care about him being the "cool kid" or having certain toys just because all of the other kids have them. He's my (and my husband's) kid, and we get to decide how to raise him, right? The other reason I didn't want him to have one, isn't that I NEVER wanted him to have one. I would have been ok with it next year or the year after, but I wanted that to be a purchase made by Steve & I. So anyhow, I tell Ray no, and he says, "Well then what should I get him? What does he like?" I told him that it would be easier for me to tell him what NOT to get. No power wheels and no guns. Those are pretty much my only two rules. I even told him I'd be ok if he bought Jacob a drum set (which he's been wanting). Those of you on my FB already know that on Christmas day, Ray showed up with a power wheels 4 wheeler. I had found out a few days before Christmas that he got it, so I'd had time to "get over it". But I'm kinda bummed because with the exception of one person (my 82 year old aunt), everyone else (including my best friend) thinks I was silly for not wanting him to have one in the first place, and that I should have just let "Uncle Ray" get whatever he wanted and that's that. I tried explaining to my best friend (who doesn't have children) that she would understand once she had kids of her own but she still thinks that I'm being, in her words, a little bitchy about it. No one seems to understand that what bugs me is that Ray got it AFTER I had already said no. I told my best friend that if Ray had just done it, showed up on Christmas day with it, then what am I gonna do? But he asked, I said no, and he did it anyway. To me, this makes him an asshole in my eyes. Not that I don't love our friend Ray or anything and I'm not bitter about it but still, if he hadn't asked, I'd have had no choice. I guess either way, I have no choice. I'm glad Jacob likes it. I'm glad he has been having fun on it and I'm going to continue to let him play with it because it's his and as long as he behaves, it's like any other toy, he's good, he gets to play with it. I even took a video of Jacob riding it and having a blast on it Christmas day. I was right there behind the camera laughing and enjoying seeing my son have fun. But at the same time, I just wish someone understood that it doesn't matter that Ray got to be the cool uncle. What matters is that he did something regarding my child that I had made very clear I didn't want him to do. Please tell me someone gets where I'm coming from? And would you have been pissed if someone had done something similar?

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Kate CP - posted on 12/27/2010

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Yea...not cool. I don't like Barbie either and if my daughter ever gets one I'll be pretty pissed off. Yes, I have told one and all NOT to get her those dolls. Or Bratz dolls. I hate them, too. *shudders*

[deleted account]

Sure Sherri :D I think that a doll with HUGE breasts is not appropriate for a little girl to play with. Especially since she has a tiny waste and thin hips. It teaches young girls to have unrealistic expectations of their own bodies. when they are older they may have a low self esteem because of it. Seriously, if barbie were real, she would be an anorexic with breast implants. There are many other educational toys and realistic looking dolls she can play with. I don't want my daughter playing with a tiny stripper.

Krista - posted on 12/29/2010

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Ray sounds like a selfish dick -- more concerned with being the "cool uncle" than with what is actually appropriate for your kid, and with the feelings of his parents. My left ass cheek, he lost the receipt.

If I were you, I'd just store it away until Jacob is older. There doesn't seem to be anything you can really do about it at this point. Next year, try reverse psychology: "Get him anything EXCEPT books...he loves books so much and already has sooooooo many!" ; )

Jenn - posted on 12/28/2010

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If I had specifically said no and they did it anyway, then yes, I'd be pissed. I mean, why bother asking if you're going to do what you want anyway? And personally I think that's WAY WAY too much of a gift for a friend to be buying! I didn't spend that much on my own kids!

Amie - posted on 12/27/2010

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Oh, my post got me thinking too.



When Jacob is a bit older, you two could always be the ones to get him the real deal. That would make his day. Caitlin started out on a 50 cc quad that was governed. Well she was supposed to but that kid is hell on wheels and jumped on her sister's bigger one and took off a few times. LOL At least you don't have to worry about that with him. That is something to think about though.

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[deleted account]

Trish, different scenario. If you decided you didn't want your kids playing with toy guns and someone did the same thing as Ray, and got them one anyway, knowing how you feel about it, you're saying it wouldn't bug you at all? If you didn't want your child to have soda or chocolate and someone went against your wishes, that wouldn't bother you either?
I have every right to be a little ticked off that someone totally disregarded my wishes in regards to how I want to raise MY SON. Like I've said before, if he had just bought the thing and not said anything before hand, then it would have been different. But because he ASKED FIRST, GOT AN ANSWER, AND THEN WENT DIRECTLY AGAINST MY WISHES, yeah, I'm allowed to be a little ticked off about it. It's not gonna haunt me forever and I'm not losing sleep over it or anything. Mostly, I posted here because no one that I've explained it to in my real life gets why it bugged me so much. I posted here because I was trying to make sure it WASN'T just me being over-sensitive. I'm over it now, and believe me, I do "get it". I was looking for support and got it from the other girls...but thanks for the input.

Shannon - posted on 12/30/2010

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I see exactly where you are coming from! I too would have been pissed and I probably would have called him when I found out about it and demand that he took it back. It is one thing if he would not have asked. Since he did ask and was told no that is just flat out disrespectful!

Trish - posted on 12/30/2010

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Hey it's Christmas...be grateful that your kid got something. It's just a toy...a play thing. Some kids out there get zilch for xmas. Brush it off it's not the end of the world. You can pack it up and save it for when he gets bigger or something. It's a gift from his uncle...men are gonna get what they what to get...they don't have any maternal bones in their bodies...even if you tell them what NOT to get...they still gonna do their own thing. You can't control that...and it's the thought that counts, that he went and got something with love which he thought was cool...what's wrong with that? Is it because it was out of your control... Just be grateful and don't be pissed off...it's a waste of energy.



Personally if it was me...which it has happened. It's water off a duck's back. There are more important things I could use my energy on then be pissed off. Toys are just material things.



And if your son likes his uncle's gift...what's the harm? In a way I don't want to sound mean...I think you don't you get it.

[deleted account]

ROFL Krista! That might actually work. I can see it now: "Ray, whatever you do, DO NOT get Jacob the new Geo Trax rail system they sell at Wal Mart for $59 and here's a coupon. DON'T DO IT!" ROFL That's awesome sauce!

Lacye - posted on 12/29/2010

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Joy: I can't believe he did that! That is just so horrible. He knew that you didn't want your son to have it yet. I kinda agree with your husband's thinking. It was the father's place to buy it. Not the Uncle or friend or whatever. Something like that is special between a father and a son. If yall didn't have the money this year, then dude should have respected the fact that you guys wanted to buy it for your son and he should have gone and found something else!

[deleted account]

You bet I would've been pissed! I would've either taken it back and returned his money, or kept it boxed up in the garage until I was ready for him to have it, my family's feeling be damned! You are the parent, and whatever they think, it's up to you to decide what's appropriate. I would've called this Ray when I found out and told him not to bring it to Christmas. What crap!

[deleted account]

I rolled my eyes at him too Bonnie lol I even said, "Yeah right....". I know before we left Florida, the Wal Mart there would take things back without a reciept and give a Wal Mart gift card instead of cash. This was paid for on a debit and it came to over $200 after tax, so the manager I spoke to said no. Also, even if they WOULD take it back (if we had the reciept and Ray's debit card), it has to be in the original packaging, which we don't have since Ray bought it a week before Christmas, assembled it at his house and threw all of the packaging away :(

Bonnie - posted on 12/28/2010

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Walmart always use to take things back without a receipt and now they don't do it anymore. I wonder if too many were doing it and perhaps the item wasn't even from Walmart in the end.

[deleted account]

@ Desiree ~ Here's what he got, except his is blue:

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Fisher-Price-K...

@ Bonnie ~ I asked him for the reciept so I could take it back and Ray said he "lost it". I called Wal Mart and they won't take it back without the reciept, not even for store credit.

@ Tara ~ Yeah, Steve and I talked about it several times because when we first moved to NY his mom wanted to get one for Jacob for Easter and so that's when we told her no. Ray brought it up about getting one for his birthday in October and we said no. Then just before Thanksgiving he asked again about getting one for Christmas and we've told him no several times since then. He knew what he was doing and Steve was on the same page as I was / am. As far as I know, there was no "Steve telling me one thing and Ray another" because we both agree on it.

Now, although Steve and I are on the same page as far as we neither of us wanted Jacob to have the power wheels, he is nowhere near as pissed as I am. In fact, he's so "whatever" about it that THAT'S pissing me off too lol He just lets shit roll right off his back about everything and half the time it ticks me off. The other half of the time I wish I could be more like that, then things wouldn't stick with me.

And about the Barbie thing? I guess I don't care about Barbie one way or another. I had them when I was little but they all ended up dumping Ken for my Donnie Osmond doll lol Either way though, it's no different than any other toy....parents say no (for whatever reason) and that should be it.

I guess the whole power wheels thing just ticks me off so much also because this is the first time in the 3 years since he's been born that someone totally disregarded my wishes. Steve's mom didn't understand why I didn't want him to have one....but she still respected my wishes. Ray has lost several notches of respect in my book.

Jenn - posted on 12/28/2010

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OK - I read all the comments after I posted and had to come back to comment about the Barbie thing. How is she going to give a false sense of a proper body image? It's no different than any other doll that isn't made to proper proportions - and she most certainly is NOT a bimbo - she's only ever had one boyfriend her whole life - KEN! And she has all sorts of careers: Dr., Vet, Teacher, etc. I think Barbie can actually be a GOOD role model for kids. Now, I can understand if you don't like them because of the annoying little clothes and shoes etc., but to say that she's a bimbo? I don't get it.

Amanda - posted on 12/28/2010

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Ya that would make me pretty mad as well! My fiance and I agreed that we weren't getting our 7yr old a DSI gaming system for Christmas because he's very disrespectful to the toys he did have and he hasn't been behaving very well to deserve one in my eyes. So after we informed everyone that we weren't getting it for him and to get him things other than anything gaming, my fiances friend bout him a Wii...now yes it's more of a family thing and my fiance was playing with him after he opened it but I mean that totally defeated us saying NO gaming system and him getting him that. It's in our living room however and my son has to earn privelages to play it and can't play whenever he wants, but ugh I get how you're feeling it sucks and people just don't understand sometimes!!

April - posted on 12/28/2010

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my son got a few toys that he was too young for so I just put them away for next year. people can do whatever the heck they want...i'm going to do what I want too. If it's REALLY inappropriate, then I will just re-gift. My son has enough toys anyway...his birthday is 3 days before Christmas!! PS.....it is my pet peeve when people give the small legos to 1 and 2 year olds. I'm gonna go post this on the pet peeve thread!!

Krista - posted on 12/28/2010

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I would have been pissed off too, but I get pissed off anytime someone disrespects my authority as a parent. My mom is bad for that -- she was stuffing Sam full of sweets over Christmas, and Keith said to her at one point, "Okay, that's enough sweets", and she just completely ignored him and gave Sam more. So of course Keith was pissed, and then Mom was all butthurt because Keith was angry with her.

It's one of the more unpleasant aspects of being a parent. And it always seems to come from relatives.

Desiree - posted on 12/28/2010

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Firstly I haven't got a Clue this thing is that he got your son can you enlighten me please. Secondly I have also put my foot down with certains toys and games. I have the odd occassion where these thing appear ie guns but I let Connor play for the day and then it vanishes. Normally its toy guns. I also don't allow certain video games he is 10 by age appropriate games and no Halo is not one of them. As to whether you should be upset my answer is hell yes, he asked your opinion you said no and then he still went ahead that is just plain bad manners.

Tara - posted on 12/28/2010

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I would have been pissed if someone had done the same thing. For sure.
If he had just bought it and not mentioned it to anyone,, that would be different, but he asked you, you said no.
That should have been the end of that.
I admire your graceful acceptance of the gift (filming it and enjoying watching your son play with it etc) but I wonder if he had asked Steve as well... and maybe got a different answer? Have you talked to Steve about this at all?

Corinne - posted on 12/28/2010

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I would be seriously pissed, no doubt about that. My in laws have exactly the same attitude, if I say no they will go out of their way to do it. I've had to sit my M.I.L down and tell her that this attitude shows a complete lack of respect for me and her son and that, if she wants to buy the kids something or take them out somewhere, she has to run it by the both of us or it just won't happen. I think you and your husband need to sit Uncle Ray down and explain that you are dissapointed that he clearly doesn't respect you or the decisions you have made. I can't stand it when people are so bull-headed!

[deleted account]

I would have been livid, as you say if he just turned up on christmas eve or christmas day with it there isn't really anything you could do and there wouldn't be an issue but the fact he asked you and you said no and he STILL bought him it is rude to say the least. If any of our close friends did that I would have turned round and asked them what they think their playing at, when they asked I told them no (luckily my friends know me well enough that I can).

I totally 'get' why you are pissed off, I would be too...

C. - posted on 12/27/2010

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That sounds EXACTLY like something my BIL would do. Ugh, he's such a pain in the patootie sometimes.. Anyway, I would allow it, but whenever they have kids of their own, I would do the same thing :P

Becky - posted on 12/27/2010

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I totally understand why that bothered you. You're the parents, if you don't want him to have one, whether he agrees with you or not, he should respect that. And on another note, it would really bother me if a friend spent that much money on my kid. It just doesn't seem appropriate to me. I understand the wanting to get him his first one too. I really want to be the one to get Cole his first 2 wheeler bike.
Cole has a power wheels jeep and the kid is a crazy driver in it! One of these days, I think he's going to knock over our fence, lol!

Amie - posted on 12/27/2010

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Yes I would have been upset as well. What's the point in asking if you're not going to listen to the parents? That stuff just drives me nuts!!

On another note our big 3 all own their own quads, we even have one for our youngest when she gets big enough. They love them but they still run around like chickens with their heads cut off. The initial infatuation will wear off and it will become just another "thing" for him to play with. =)

Sharon - posted on 12/27/2010

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He didn't respect you. He's an ass. I'd shave something rude into his head the next time he falls asleep on your couch.

The barbie thing. LMAO. I guess Raggedy Anne dolls will really fuck your kids heads then. No breasts at all. hell doesn't even have joints. OMG!!!

Legos suck for stepping on. toy cars suck too. and the pocketful of sizing nubs (nubs are the little plastic numbered rings on the hangers at the stores) I spill out on the floor every night hurt like a mother fucker.

[deleted account]

Liz, in all gender fairness, I step on my son's Bakugans all the time, and those little pieces also end up in the vacuum!

[deleted account]

People buy my girls Polly Pockets and I hate those stupid little toys because I find the pieces everywhere, half of them end up in the vacuum.

[deleted account]

Oh c'mon! Barbies?! I loved Barbies as a kid and between my sister & I, we had every friggin' accessory! OMG- I still remember putting my pet hamster in the 'elevator' of the Barbie Townhouse and in the seat of the Barbie 'Vette...Memories! My sister & I turned out fine, as well as entire generations before & after us. And my family runs the size gamut of "all shapes & sizes" without any stigma of a toy.

But, for sake of the post, it is well within a parent's wishes to monitor what toys are acceptable in the home, whether it is a power wheels or a Barbie.

[deleted account]

I would be upset and that will happen again at some point. Honestly though, my kids had those powered toys and they had trikes and bikes and guess which ones they play with. Most kids I know get more entertainment out of something that takes more then pushing a button. My kids quit asking me to charge the battery a long time ago.

As far as barbies go, my girls love them and realize its a toy and they see with their own 2 eyes that people come in all sizes and shapes.

Nikkole - posted on 12/27/2010

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I would have taken it back and let him pick out a drum set and another toy :) if you could have but i hste wj=hen people go against your wishes for your kids soooo rude!! And on thr barbie thing i kinda agree agree with Julianne i dont know why they cant make average sized Barbie's!

[deleted account]

I get it, Joy. It happens to me too, on a lesser scale. Why ask for suggestions if you aren't going to take them?

On a side note, I'm not fond of Barbie, but I'm not going to ban her. I'm not so concerned about the body image...it's just that there are so many other dolls out there...dolls that aren't bimbos. Eliza got a Barbie LAST Christmas, when she was 18 months old. I was pretty speechless, as I didn't think it would be something I'd have to worry about at that age. In the holiday chaos, one of her uncles opened the box for her, so I just let her keep it. She treats that Barbie like her other babies. No worries. Like I said, I'm not planning to ban Barbie, but I'm not going to encourage it either. Same with all the fru fru princess crap.

[deleted account]

My girls used to play w/ Barbies. So did I as a kid. No screwed up body images here..... It's just a doll. ;)

Bonnie - posted on 12/27/2010

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I know your son like it and all, but what you could have done, is return it and get something else. That really would have showed Ray who is boss.

Bonnie - posted on 12/27/2010

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I get where you are coming from Joy and I would have been pissed as well. You specifically asked him not to get that for your son and it is as if you two never even had the conversation about it because he went and got it anyways. The way I look at it with this type of gift is, you said you didn't want your son to have something like that right now. Technically, you could put it away for when you think he is ready for it. For me, I think it would be a lot worse if I said no to maybe a dangerous toy, or something that is waaaayy too loud, or costs way too much to upkeep.

[deleted account]

Oh I totally get it Joy. Ray completely undermined your parenting and blatently disrespected your wishes. Obviously it is done & over with, and you cannot take the power wheels away at this point. As a parent, you & only you (OK, your hubby too) should be the only ones to call the shots. And as far as an extravagant gift, well I guess you can limit the play time on it. I hope for your son's next birthday, you & hubby sit down and give a list to your friend on what he can & cannot buy!

Nikki - posted on 12/27/2010

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That's rude Joy, I would be pissed with him. You told him how you feel and he didn't respect your wishes. Did he talk to you about it after he bought it?

[deleted account]

OMG Ebony! I bet your son was heartbroken about it. That's not fair that his uncle did that to him. I think that's part of the reason I'm gonna go ahead and let Jacob have it. He's seen it, he knows it's his and that it's here. It only goes 2.5 miles an hour and obviously he will have adult supervision on it. I just don't want to break his heart and take it away now that he's got it....against my wishes or not.

[deleted account]

I get it. I would be one thing if he had just bought it, but the fact that he asked about it, you said no, and he STILL got it would royally piss me off.

♏*PHOENIX*♏ - posted on 12/27/2010

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Yes that happened to me! And I was upset
My sons uncle wanted to get him a motorcycle ..its gas powered and about 2-3feet long…
I had seen adults on those…It goes up to 50+mph!
This was last summer I was like no! Not yet, not until he’s 10-11 at lest…
A week later he shows up with the little thing and I was upset and my son was sooooooooooooo excited…
It sits in the shed where it will be for a long time to come.

This is a pic of it, his is black and white
http://www.minipocketrockets.com/rsr-min...

[deleted account]

Well i know how you feel. I'll be throwing out a lot of barbies in the course of Gabby's life at home....

[deleted account]

Marina, no, he didn't play Steve & I against each other. He kept mentioning it on the ride to work though (he works with Steve and they carpool). And over the last few months he kept jokingly saying he was gonna do it anyhow and every time he'd say it I'd say, "Ray please, don't." Steve didn't want him to have one yet either, but his reason was that it was a gift HE wanted to buy for our son and he knew we couldn't afford it this year so he was on board with Ray not getting it either. Ray is a big kid himself. He's 34 years old, no kids, can't keep a relationship, has never had his own place (has a room mate now, but his room mate is about to kick him out). And yeah, it's a lot of money to spend on a gift for a 3 year old, especially one that he knows he wasn't supposed to get. It cost him over $200 after tax. The money wasn't even the point though. In my mind, the point was that he asked, Steve & I said no, and he did it anyway. To me, it's no different than if I said I didn't want Jacob to have soda and someone directly, right in front of me, gave it to him anyhow. I mean, I remember when I was the one who didn't have kids, when I was watching my friends all become parents and watching their kids grow up. My niece, nephews, etc. Every time a birthday or holiday would come around, I would ask what to get them and whatever the parents said was what I would do because even before I had one of my own, I understood that those boundaries are something to be respected. I guess I just sorta feel like everyone should feel that way, even though I know they don't and won't.

Thanks for "getting it" girls :) Now I don't feel so bad because until I asked here, like I said, the only person who "got it" was my 82 year old aunt. I mean, Steve's Mom wanted to get him a power wheels for his birthday this year and even she respected my wishes when I said no. Now SHE'S PISSED that he got one. I mean, for anyone who may think I'M making a big deal out of it? You should see how pissed off my MIL is lol That was the only awkward part of Christmas Day.....watching my MIL and FIL sit at the table and eat dinner with Ray, knowing he had gotten their grandson the same gift they had wanted to get him.......it was like watching heat lightning....you know, the kind that just flashes, but doesn't make a sound? LOL

Jodi - posted on 12/27/2010

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What was the point in even asking you if he was going to go out and get it anyways? I'd be pissed anyways! I had a similar situation this year as well. My nephew has a magnadoodle and everytime we go over there taht's alllllll my daughter wants to play with, so we got her one for Christmas. A few weeks before Christmas my sister (not the mom of my nephew) asks if Jaelyn would like a magnadoodle, I told her that we had already purchased one for her, but i was sure she would like a glow-doodle, color wonder stuff, dress-up stuff etc etc etc, a whole list of things that my daughter would LOVE. Family Christmas night rolls around (the 23rd btw) and my sister had gotten her a magnadoodle anyways, I was peeved. Why ask if they don't even care what the answer is anyways? GAH!

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/27/2010

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Hmmmmm...did he play mommy against daddy and go behind your back? I understand completely, and can see your point. He should have respected your wishes. Thats alot of money to spend on a gift that mom said no to.

[deleted account]

The thing about Ray is that he really doesn't care about stuff like that so when he has kids he won't care what kind of toys people get them as long as they are safe. My best friend though, she said she would have gotten it for him anyhow too, against my wishes, which totally shocks me. So when SHE has kids.....well, let's be honest, when she has kids I'll respect her wishes. I'm not the revenge type lol But with Ray, you can bet your ass his kids are gonna get the loudest, battery operated toys I can find. AND I'll even supply extra batteries lol

Dana - posted on 12/27/2010

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Of course, you can always wait until he has kids and then disregard something he's said. ;)

Rosie - posted on 12/27/2010

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i agree joy!! you clearly told him NOT to get it, so it's kindof assholish of him. BUT, and it's a big one, lol, i think he's a man and doesn't understand the reasoning of why, and didn't think it would be an issue for you guys. i think you need to chalk it up to differences between men and women and move on (sounds like you have, just sayin').

Dana - posted on 12/27/2010

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I get where you're coming from, Joy, you have every right to feel the way you do.

Jocelyn - posted on 12/27/2010

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You made it clear that you DIDN"T want that as a present. He didn't listen to you, therefore you have every right to be pissed. I told everyone who was coming to Brooklynn's birthday party this year, No Toys!, but only two people listened to me *snarlface* I was pissed and that was only over wooden blocks! lol

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