Not a Debate - Fertility, Age and Another Baby

Mrs. - posted on 03/05/2012 ( 19 moms have responded )




As some of you may remember me commenting, my daughter was a total surprise. I've had bad endometriosis my whole adult life and when I was 25 my docs said I would never get pregnant naturally. I had a lot of unprotected sex with my long term ex-bf and it always confirmed this conclusion. However, when my husband came along, we got pregnant the first time we had sex.

Well, I guess I started to think maybe, I could have babies easily and it was just my docs ignorance and the fact that my ex was a pot head that made it hard...sometimes I would think that my daughter was just a fluke or a "miracle" if you are religious (which I'm not), but it would quickly be followed by thoughts of my ex's sperm being stoned and lonely down there.

However, after last October, I had a late period that was extremely heavy, like insanely heavy. My TCM doc is certain it was a miscarriage and it was predated by one incident of unprotected sex. It also messed with my hormones and my body has been recovering ever since.

I was finally feeling okay and one night last month, while I was ovulating, we had unprotected sex again. My period was very late again this month and it seems again to be quite heavy. Along with that, I'm very sad. I wanted very much, more than I cared to admit, to be pregnant.

When I was young and told it would never happened...I adjusted and dealt with it. Now though, after I've had a baby and know what it really means...and are with someone I want to be with, it is harder to adjust to the loss.

I'm not getting any younger, I'm turning 36 in a few months and my husband is a year older. I think it might be time to just get rid of the condoms, expectations or hopes about it happening and just let it be what it is going to be.

Have any of you had experiences with miscarriage and fertility after having a healthy first pregnancy? Have you found just letting go of the outcome and living your life regardless helpful? I'm just not sure I can deal with the stress each month of wanting it to happen and knowing it may never happen. Or worse, putting my life on hold with my daughter and husband waiting for a baby that'll never be.

Sorry, I would normally discuss this on another board or with family/friends. I just find the whole subject hard to talk about around those who know me and easier with strangers. Hey, that's what the net is for!


Jennifer - posted on 03/06/2012




I always want lots of kids, told my first husband 5. My first pregancy was great and I figured I was set for a large family. The second pregnancy hit me like a ton bricks. I literally puked from day one. I'll save the horrid details, but I had a still born little girl at 7 and half months. It was very hard, to say the least, but the doctor told me I should try again soon, or not at all. I still wanted a little girl, so we tried and I got pregnant within the month. It was also a hard pregnancy, I had bed rest the last month, and an emergency c-section at 7 and half months. I can't describe the fear I felt. But that baby is 17, and oh, such a pain in the........I wouldn't trade her for the world!! We, actually HE decided no more, and got 'fixed'. I was in no shape to argue, but wasn't totally ok with it. Fast forward 9 years. I was divorced, dating a great guy. I had two kids, he had three. I knew my chances of carrying another baby were slim to none. I still wanted one more and decided it was worth it. We talked it over, and just threw caution to the wind. Figured it'd happen or it wouldn't. 16 months later I got pregnant. I was scared, but it was not near as bad a pregnancy as the other two. We did decide to do a v-bac, and she was healthy and HUGE! No regrets.

I think what you can handle is really up to you. You know what your up against, but you also know the pay off. (well, not quite, yours isn't a teen yet!) I got a happy ending, and know several others who have, but only you can really say if it is worth the risk to you.

I also think the more relaxed you are, the better your chances are. We just decided that we would stop BC and see what happened. After I stopped freaking out every month is when it did happen. I know two couples who adopted then immediatly got pregnant after years of trying!

[deleted account]

I struggled with infertility and miscarriages and didn't have my son until I was 36. I've miscarried at least once since then. I'm now approaching 42 and I find myself wanting another more than I care to admit. Honestly, in your situation, I say if you and your husband are on the same page, toss the condoms and have sex like you did before you had your baby. In other words, do it to enjoy it, not specifically for the purpose of making a baby. I've had several miscarriages and each time after most of them, I had that, "I MUST GET PREGNANT" thought process going in my head and heart. I never did. When I got pregnant with my son, we weren't trying. When I got pregnant (and miscarried) after he was a year old, again, we weren't trying. There's a lot to be said for having sex and enjoying it immensly, without the burden of trying to get pregnant attached. Of course, have sex when you're ovulating.....just don't ONLY have sex when you're ovulating. Best of luck and happy humping :D


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[deleted account]

After three years of trying we were told we couldn't have kids and adoption was our option, due to a combination of issues between us. We now have two children, our first was a complete shock, my gyno decided that he would perform ovarian drilling on me to clear some of my cysts in November, I went for the surgery but had given up, that is when I accepted I'd never carry my baby inside me...I was pregnant by the February.

We decided after our first that we wouldn't use bc and would see what happened. A year later (a fortnight after my sons first birthday) I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant with my daughter (I knew I was either really sick or pregnant... I thought I was sick).

I'd love another but I have ridiculously bad pregnancies, and have had to have both my children at 37 weeks due to those complications, so we've decided it's not fair on our family for me to pursue another child, especially as increased maternal age raises my chances of my complications being worse.

It's easy to say relax and don't think about it, I couldn't until I literally gave up, but I truly think that must have had something to don with me getting pregnant. Good luck

April - posted on 03/10/2012




I just watched my good friend go through her 3rd miscarriage since TTC last May. She talks about it a lot because that is how she deals with the pain. She has a 3 year old that plays with my son, so like you, she already has 1 child.

Hearing her story, every time I hear parts of it, always makes me feel so sad inside. I tell myself that if I am feeling THIS sad, imagine what she must be going through.

The baby was 9 weeks. She lost her baby 3 weeks ago, but still experiences bleeding and dizziness. She was as white as a ghost when I saw her today. I am having the urge to tell her that her doctor is being really insensitve. She says, "Oh I called my doctor, but he says it's just part of the process." I hope she is okay and I hope you are okay too.

Sally - posted on 03/09/2012




I have 3 children aged 15/24/30 big gaps not by choice. I mis-carried 5 times after my 1st , 2 with 2nd and 2 with 3rd and got told I wouldn't have anymore from the 1st. , turned out they where wrong. I think my body just needed a longer recovery time. Each time i fell was when id excepted that i wasn't having anymore and just relaxed. So maybe you are one of those women,like me that just take a bit longer . You don't have to put your life on hold, enjoy your child, enjoy your husband. I do know that its hard when you want something so bad but yeah if your ready as a family stop bc and just go with the flow don't count days etc . wishing you well

Brianna - posted on 03/09/2012




my daughter was a total surprise i was even on birth control pills at the time. when she turn a year old we started trying for baby #2 well we concieve right aways but lost it at 10 weeks along.. after a few months i finally felt ready to try again and we concieve right away but then once again miscarriage at 6 weeks along.. i was so heart broken and started seeing a better doctor and i told her i needed to try something i couldnt just let another miscarriage happen so she said that she thought i had low progesterone so next time i get pregnant to see her asap and she will start me on hormones. well dec 1, 2011 was my second miscarriage and on dec 30 i found out i was PREGNANT AGAIN! i was shocked i must of got pregnant the first time i had sex after the miscarriage. anyways i started on progesterone hormones and i had to take them for the first trimester i am now just over 14 weeks pregnant and baby looks great :) good luck

Krista - posted on 03/09/2012




Has your doctor sent you for bloodwork? Mine is checking to see if my prolactin levels are too high. If so, it can cause longer cycles than usual (check!), and temporary infertility. It can be treated easily with medicine, though.

[deleted account]

You don't need to take hormones to do IUI! That's a myth. You can do a medicated cycle or a non-medicated cycle.

Mrs. - posted on 03/08/2012




Rebecca, I can't even take bcp because I am so sensitive to the hormones, artificial insemination and the hormonal treatments that go along with it - not ideal for me.

[deleted account]

I got pregnant w/ identical twins the very first month we started trying to get pregnant.

Because of how easily I got pregnant and how much trouble I was having w/ remembering to take the mini pill at the same time (what w/ having twin newborns and all)... I went on Depo for a couple of years. Went off that and switched to bcp again for 6 months. Was off that for 2 weeks before I started getting periods again.

I went off the bcp on May 1, 2005 and my son wasn't born til March 27, 2008. I also had 2 early miscarriages in January 2006 and 2007. It was rough and the 'journey' to have another baby consumed me... especially after the miscarriages. There are also circumstances surrounding the first miscarriage though that combined w/ the loss totally broke me. I didn't start to heal until my son was born, but then I had to start healing from the fact that my husband left.

Yeah, sorry... my story probably doesn't HELP anything.

[deleted account]

Why not just try IUI (artifical insemination)? I have endo as well and had three rounds of IUI with a pregnancy each time. It's inexpensive and your insurance may even cover it. Personally, I would rather try the IUI and see if it works rather than doing the endless monthly cycle of trying, failing, trying, failing. I rode that rollercoaster for four years before trying IUI.

Mrs. - posted on 03/06/2012




Thank you ladies, I am thankful for your stories and they make me feel a little less alone.

My husband and I are giving it a limit. We are going to get rid of the condoms, but if nothing happens by the time I am at the end of my 38 year, he's going to get "fixed". My mother had a baby at 40 and it was really, really hard on her...and she hasn't had the health issues I've had. It is not a lot of time I realize, since I am about to be 36, but I think that's all I can handle. After that, I'm just going to have to be happy that my daughter is never sick, very clever and a loving little creature who is worth ten kids.

I feel better knowing that some of you went without BC for a year and still didn't get pregnant or had a miscarriage and then had a viable pregnancy after. Not that your tragedies are good things, but for me, they are hopeful stories of what might come.

I have been a bit worried about the twin thing because it does run in my family (my grandmother was a twin and her twin's daughter had twins...and some others have had twins), but I think I'd just be so happy to have gotten pregnant - I'd deal with it.

Pregnancy for me, is also a resting period for my endo pain and tends to make my allergies wain a there are other reasons why it is positive for me. However, if it doesn't happen I can look forward to menopause (because I period forever!) for those benefits.

So, thanks for giving me some hope and encouragement.

Tam - posted on 03/06/2012




I hope I'm not out of line here, considering I haven't faced the difficulties you have and I know that's the demographic you are looking for. I'm 27, and due to give birth soon. These will be my last babies, because it will bring my family up to four children, and that's enough to make my head spin. However, I can relate the the urge to have more kids. It's an insanely strong biological pull that seems to strike at random - especially for me, since I absolutely hate being pregnant. For me, being pregnant is like having a stomach bug and recovering from a marathon for nine months. It's not a pleasant experience, though there are good things about it, don't get me wrong. That's just where I'm coming from.

About a year and a half ago, I turned to my husband and asked him, tentatively, what he thought about having another baby. We decided to think about it for a while, give it some time to be considered, and discuss it again later. A month or so after that, we decided to go ahead and give it a try - I heard someone say once that you'll never regret the children you have, but you may regret the children you decide not to try for. We set up some 'rules', so to speak. The main one being that we would try for another baby until I hit my 30th birthday. Beyond that, we decided not to worry, and to let nature take its course.

It took us nearly a year to get pregnant, which is strange considering the fertility that we normally experience. And when we did get pregnant, we found out firsthand that I was a member of a group that has a high rate of having twins, due to maternal age and genetics. (I'm not saying I'm in advanced maternal age, but once you near your thirties it becomes more and more likely.)

So I guess what I'm saying is what worked for my family was deciding unanimously that yes, we wanted to try. And then setting a limit. A couple years or so. And then just leaving everything else up to fate, chance, god, or what have you. Things tend to happen and work out on their own. And if you can keep yourself from stressing out over it, then you'll be in a healthier spot to gain what you want.

MeMe - Raises Her Hand (-_-) (Mommy Of A Toddler And Teen) - posted on 03/06/2012




I feel for you Rebecca. I can honestly say I know how hard it is to really want something like this.

I was 22 when I had my first baby, I got pregnant within the first month (unintentionally but I was young and silly). What a beautiful girl. She is now in her teens but still as beautiful as the first day I saw her.

After having my daughter I became a single Momma. I knew it would not be possible to have another baby. 8 years later I met my now husband. After 2 years, I got this overwhelming urge to have another baby. I tried to get rid of the thoughts and feelings. I tried for an entire year. No way where they going anywhere. If anything they got worse and harder to keep out of my mind. After discussing it with my husband on several occasions, we decided we would try. It seemed to take forever. Months went by. Then, finally one day I just knew. I knew we were pregnant. I verified it with multiple @home pregnancy tests and a doctors one in the end. I was on cloud 9, so was my husband and my daughter. Only to have it torn from all of us 10 weeks later. I was devastated. I ended up miscarrying for 6 months. Yes, the doctors were STUPID. I could have died if they hadn't gotten me in for a D&C when they finally did. It was sheer hell. I was reminded everyday for those 6 months what I had lost. My husband and I still talk about it every once in awhile. Wondering if the baby had been a boy or girl.

Anyhow, 5 weeks after my D&C we were pregnant AGAIN. We weren't trying or emphasizing as heavily this time. We just didn't use protection. I was pushing 35 years of age. It didn't matter to me. I am healthy, that is all that matters. I was so stressed during the pregnancy, so worried something would happen. I even bought a fetal heart monitor, so I could listen to his little heart every minute of the day from 14 weeks forward. It's funny now though, my belly broke out in a nasty rash from using baby oil too much. Since that is what I used for the monitor. The doctor told me that maybe using it only 3 or 4 times a day would be better. LOL

Everything went perfectly (well other than the 36hours of labor and c-section). Now we have a perfect, most adorable 16month old boy. He is sooooo awesome!

Honestly, I believe the D&C cleaned me out and allowed for my body to be fresh and ready to keep a pregnancy.

We are considering another, once our boy starts school. So, that will put my husband and I to the age of 39. As long as I am still healthy then, we just might do it.... ;)

I do, however, agree that if you put too much stress on it, it may not happen. Sometimes you just need to let go and allow for life to do it's thing on it's own....

Good Luck. Take care. Remember their are other's that are in your position too. It is not a pleasant position by any means but, I also believe what is meant to be will happen. ;)

Stifler's - posted on 03/06/2012




I do know a few people on IVF who have done a lot of rounds with no success. It's all consuming and they stress constantly about it, blame not conceiving on any little thing they did while doing the treatment etc. I have to admit that that scared me a lot and was probably a contributing factor to having 2 under 2.

Stifler's - posted on 03/06/2012




I am only 23 and was only 20 when we conceived but it took a rather long time for being so young to conceive Logan. I had a scan to date how far I was along and the sonographer said that I had polycystic ovaries. She asked if it took a while to conceive and did I have a really irregular cycle etc. So after he was born I didn't go on any birth control or use condoms in hope of having them close because I didn't want to get down the track and discover I had real fertility problems.

Krista - posted on 03/06/2012




I'm rather in the same boat, I think. I'm not certain if I've had a miscarriage, but my last period was heavier than normal, and prior to it, I was able to express some liquid out of my breasts, which I was NEVER able to do before (when not pregnant, that is.)

We've been trying since last May.

The problem is that once you admit to yourself that you want another baby, it's very easy for it to become all-consuming. For awhile there, I was temping, and charting, and using those damn ovulation predictors, and reading my underwear like a frigging carnival gypsy reads tea leaves, and basically driving myself and my husband insane.

I've been trying to ease off a bit. I've gotten rid of my predictors and thermometer, and am just sort of keeping an eye on my body to gauge when my fertile days are, and am trying to leap on my husband as much as we have energy for during that time. And it HAS helped, to let it go a bit. But I'm not going to lie and say that it isn't still always at the back of my mind...because it is.

[deleted account]

i feel that if you stress about it, the stress will make it harder to get pregnant. i was told i couldn't have a baby, and i have my second on the way. but neither child was planned and i'm trying not to stress about all the weird stuff that keeps happening with this one. whatever will be, will be. that helped with Julie, and though i AM feeling more pressure with this second child being a boy and my parents being upset with me for having a second child so soon and all that other great stuff that apparently comes with me being a mom and married and having it pretty good compared to my ENTIRE family, in-laws included, i'm trying to stick with that hakuna matata motto with this one as well.

i do also think stress is linked to miscarriages. is that scientific? don't ask me, lol, i know nothing. all i know is i feel better when i don't think about that sort of stuff and that's when my baby boy starts kicking and reminding me he's there :) so my advice is try not to stress about it and just keep yourself in good health. it will happen if it's meant to.

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