Not a Debate, Just looking for some help & wisdom

Jessica - posted on 01/23/2011 ( 9 moms have responded )

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So..My husband and I have decided to seperate, that we are better friends then we are husband and wife. I am now going to be a single mommy of 2 kids. ( I am pregnant with our 2nd) and don't really know where to start. We ( me and derek) are good with each other, and are going to stay living as roommates till we are both able to live financially apart. There is no fighting or anything like that, actually it's prolly the most peaceful now with us then it's been in awhile, but I am still scared and I am wondering...where do I start? what comes next?

* Joce- since your the only one who knows me in real life, lol, we aren't posting it on facebook because well..you know how dramatic people in town are!

So basically, any advice ladies?? I'm a pretty strong tough lady and know me and my kids will be ok, and Derek is going to stay my friend and a prominant figure in our kids lives...I'm just kind of overwhelmed at the moment.

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Jessica - posted on 01/23/2011

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Peyton is actually only 7months old right now, so she is pretty oblivious and happy go-lucky, and our kids are definatly our first and always will be main priority. They will grow up knowing that Mommy and Daddy are good friends.
And thank you Joy, hearing your story has made me feel even better, and Becky I might just take you up on that! :)

Becky - posted on 01/23/2011

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I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but it sounds like you're both handling it really well! I used to be a social worker in the High River/Okotoks area, so if you need any ideas of resources, feel free to message me!

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You both need to make a plan. Who will get the kids when and for how long etc. I would suggest maybe trying to work opposite hours so you each can avoid the cost of childcare. I would also suggest getting books from the library and reading to your child about divorce and having 2 homes etc. Make sure that both children are never put in the middle and that you take your childs feelings just as importantly as you do your own if not more so from now on. :) You both may decide to stay roommates for now and that is fine too but realize that divorce is still happening and your child DOES know something is wrong. so even though it may seem like not much is changing a lot still is to your child and it will need to be explained 5 billion times or more before he/she/they understand or even begin to.

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My ex and I made lists. On my list were the things I obviously would get, my personal belongings. Same as on his list. We split the electronics in half. I got the computer and accessories, he got the tv and accessories. Then, we had a third list of things (like movies, dishes, etc) that we both wanted. We literally, over the course of a week, sat down every night and either flipped a quarter (two out of 3 won) for each item. Either that or we played "high card - low card" for the items. In the end, we both got all of our personal belongings, some things that we wanted and some things we just got and traded back and forth for awhile. Funny thing is, even after I had moved out and was on my own for awhile, we'd still trade movies back and forth. He also became friends with my current husband (who started off as my room mate...long story). They used to sit for hours on a Saturday night and play football on the Playstation. We had shared custody of our cats. Two weeks at my house, two weeks at his. It worked for us.

Well, it worked for us until the ex started dating and getting serious with a woman who thought that it was so wierd for us to be friends that she gave him an ultimatum. Her or a friendship with me. He chose her. I didn't hold it against him, because I wanted him to be happy. But it always lingered in my mind that if she loved him, she would never put such an ultimatum on the table. He and I didn't talk for almost 3 years and then recently, he called me, told me he kicked her out and apologized to me for "throwing our friendship away". I told him that the friendship never went anywhere, it is still here and we are still friends today.

Jessica - posted on 01/23/2011

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Thanks Ladies!
Yea, we expect our friends to think it's weird, but it's ok.
As far as us deciding who gets what and such, we have already started talking about that, and the the kids with live with me fulltime but with him having full visitation. I'm fairly lucky actually, Derek has told me I can have/take whatever I think I will need, because it will be easier for him to re-get things, although I have no intentions of cleaning him out, lol.

Bexterwhite - posted on 01/23/2011

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Maybe try and get some mediation while you are getting along so well, set out some boundaries and expectations.
xx
p.s., i always thing single parenthood is underrated!

Isobel - posted on 01/23/2011

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I'm really sorry too...I've been through it all and it's brutal but if it's for the best, then it's for the best.

I guess you start by deciding who's gonna move...can you afford the place you are in? which stuff do you need to take?

Which one of you makes more money and would be more able to buy replacement stuff (like beds, pots and pans, etc).

If you guys are getting along, it should be less difficult to sit down with a pen and paper and decide who wants what, but don't be too shocked if that's where the civility stops.

A lot of people think they are OK with a divorce until the reality sets in and feelings get hurt by the little things that you never expected.

If you need to talk, you can message me any time.

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My ex and I made this same decision and there was an INSTANT peace that settled around our house. No more arguing, no more cold shoulders, no more stress. We didn't have kids though, so for you two to be able to come to the same place is admirable. I don't really know what advice I can give, but I just wanted to say that you should expect people to think it's "wierd" for you to be friends with your ex. Very few people could wrap their minds around it with me and my ex. They just didn't get it. So, you just have to both be strong in your conviction to remain friends and poo on what anyone else thinks. In my mind, being friends with your ex, especially if there are kids involved, is a very evolved way of thinking. Best of luck to you :)

Cassie - posted on 01/23/2011

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I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I'm very sorry and I hope that you two are truly happy.

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